Period Preparedness

Alright fellas.....if y'all have a wife or girlfriend...friend with benefits...you obviously will find from time to time (like one week a month...duh) her box of tampons sitting out on the bathroom counter. This means more than just a week of masturbation for you.....I'm going to break it down for you so that you can survive the 5-7 days of red river rapids. The 10 Things Men Should Know When The Tampon Box Is On The Bathroom Counter: 1. You are not funny....it is not ok to crack a joke of any sort....especially about her. Don't go there....this will end in one of two ways....you will send her into a tear filled depression only to be fixed by watching The Notebook over and over again OR you will get stabbed in the face. So save your "funny" shit for Twitter. 2. You should bring home chocolate. 3. Your new favorite phrase is: Damn Baby, you look so skinny! Any other compliment will backfire and will end in the same one of two ways as #1. 4. There is nothing wrong with finding her on the living room floor with 3 bottles of wine...she may not even have a glass....just smile and say the phrase from #3. Any other approach will end in the same one of two ways from #1. 5. You should bring home more chocolate. 6. Your new favorite movie is Twilight. You may even want to watch it for the the next 5-7 days because it's the most epic love story of our time....and then as you press play on the Blu Ray player you say the phrase from #3 and smile. 7. Sweat pants are sexy....she looks amazing in them....you are going to buy her more because they look so good. Then you say the phrase from #3. 8. You should buy some more chocolate. 9. You are stupid....let's face it....just about everything you say is going to be wrong....just remember these words: You're right Baby. I'm so sorry... Any other version will end in the same one of two ways as #1. 10. Get more chocolate and as you hand it to her say the phrase from #3. Good luck....hope you don't get stabbed. Unless you are an insensitive douche face...then you deserve it. Peace Out.

22 Positions In A One Night Stand

So...in a half drunk channel flipping evening I had over the weekend I saw something (I think) about someone getting 3 wishes but they only lasted 24 hours. I got to thinking about what I would do. I thought of several things....my first husband being covered in red ants, having my high school nemesis covered in hair, The Kardasians plagued with flesh eating bacteria....etc etc etc....but none of those really made me feel exceptionally happy....perhaps a bit delighted but not truly happy. After tons of thought I have my 3 wishes. 1. That all of my family and friends have one day of total bliss. No toe stubbing, all green lights, no financial worries etc etc etc. If only for one day I want all my loved ones to have just a phenomenal time. 2. I want anyone who hurts children to pass very large kidney stones. 3. I want to have a penis and balls. That's right....I NEED to know what it's like. I want to pee standing up wherever I want....outside, in a plant, off a bridge etc... I want to know what it feels like to "free ball", what it feels like to do jumping jacks with a dick swinging. I know how I feel when I get turned on but I can't even guess what it's like to have an erection...it's fascinating to me. Plus...think of all the inside info I could get....I would finally figure out how to give a decent hand job! I defiantly want to have sex with it....but I think it would be hard to find someone who will let me....after all...I only wished for a penis and balls...which means I still look like me. Kinda hard to find someone who will let me poke them. I would ask one of my friends but that would seriously change our relationship.....but come one.....I finally have a chance to feel what the big deal is...what millions of men have begged for, songs have been written about and wars have been fought over...ok maybe not but still the vagina has caused some epic issues. If I could experience the honey hole as a dude I most definitely would. But mostly I just want to walk around in a towel and then swing my cock around in circles...men always seem to do that....I don't understand why...it looks really stupid but since it's something they all do...I must try it. I'm sure there are several bad things that I would experience while having a penis....getting it caught in my zipper, squishing my balls and premature ejaculation but that would be helpful too....maybe be I could be more empathetic to male issues.....BWAHAHAHAHAHA....ok probably not....I'm sure I would just use that info for evil purposes..but hey I already used one of my wishes for something good....my sweet side has it's limits. So....to all my lady friends out there....if I somehow manage to find a genie to grant me my three wishes and I get my penis for a day and you find it in your heart to let me fuck you....I will totally not be wearing a condom.....they say bareback is the way to ride!!!! Peace out!

OMG STFU

Apparently I have terrible text etiquette....but that shouldn't shock most of you since in general I have poor life etiquette at best. I get a lot of...why didn't you text me back? Here's the deal....there are 5 reasons I may not have gotten back to your text... 1. I just assumed the conversation was over. Example: YOU: Hey ME: Wud Up? YOU: Going to the store. ME: Buy me some chips YOU: lol.....................at this point I think we are done....like you are really going to buy me a bag of Ruffles and unless you wanted advice on something...which you should have included in the 2nd text... then there isn't a lot more to say. 2. I'm annoyed at you. This usually only applies to men....males tend to say stupid things on accident and so I just ignore them for awhile..... 3. I got distracted.....this is the 2nd most common reason I didn't return your text....I saw it pop up but then the dog peed in the hall or the kids stepped on a Capri Sun, a commercial I like came on the TV, I saw something sparkly....the list goes on and on and on....then 9 hours later I remembered you sent a text and by then it's like....whatever. So if it's important....text again.....super simple. 4. My phone died....this is the most common reason...I have 2 batteries and I blow that shit up quick....my phone is always dead....always always always.....always.

Sadistic Game Of Twister...Or Just Grooming?

Women do stupid things to make themselves feel pretty.....I am a woman and I do stupid shit all the time....I pay money to get my hair a certain color, I get tattoos, I squeeze my feet into pointy, ill fitting high heels, I wear uncomfortable bras to make me look like my boobs don't hang at my hips and now my most stupid attempt to feel amazing was having my vagina waxed. Yep....I paid some chick to rip the hair out of my girl parts. What the fuck?????? Why not just trim it??? Several reasons....you have 2 small children, 3 cats and a dog run in and out of the bathroom while trying to clean up your lady parts and tell me if you can do a great job.....or much less be as clumsy as I am and not take a chunk out (ouch).....plus...it feels all prickly within days and then when I take my panties down it's like peeling a cactus off of a sheep. So...yea a Brazilian sounded like a great idea. Till I got to the salon......where I was greeted by a tiny, young gorgeous lady...yea....like I want her to see my wounded underworld....I've had 3 large babies...it's not exactly the Garden Of Eden down there. Oh well...I drop my bottoms and get on the table....she asks me what I want....meaning bald eagle, Bermuda triangle or a landing strip....I went for the landing strip...the thought of looking like a 7 year old down there made me feel creepy. On goes the wax....it was warm and almost comforting...till she ripped the cloth of death off my coo coo and I yelled some sort of obscenity and tried to punch her. Luckily she jumped out of the way....at least I knew what to expect the rest of the time....or so I thought. Ok...so.....we get the top part done....then she tells me to grab my knees and pull them up to my head. Um....could you buy me dinner first????? What the fuck is this....birthing class?!?! But I had already done this much...what the heck right? So I do...and thank sweet Jesus she was quick....I screamed like a little bitch :( but it was done and over with.....I got up and started putting my stuff on...when she asked if I wanted my....um....back door area done....I told her FUCK NO....and continued putting my clothes on. You know what really annoyed me??? The tranquil music playing in the background...stop trying to lull me into a calm state....you can not be relaxed for something like this....you need to amped up and prepared...it's like when you get shot in the woods and you need to slam a half a bottle of whiskey and bite down on a tree branch while your friend digs the fucking bullet out.....play me some Nine Inch Nails and hand me some tequila god damn it!!! Will I go back in six weeks to have it done again????? HELL YES I WILL....when I got home and saw my gorgeous vagina it was sooooo worth it....next time I will be drunk...so I will need a sober cab....cuz I'm gonna suck down a few rum and cokes but pretty pink parts is way worth it!

Working It....

So....I haven't blogged in awhile....to be honest I feel like I've lost my edge. I'm not saying I'm not creative....I have several irons in the fire right now....new projects I've never done before that I hope will be just fucking fantastic....but y'all will have to wait to see them....or hear about how I totally crashed and burned...either way...it should be epic. Anyhoo......currently I'm on an exercise kick....don't roll your eyes...I know several of my posts are diet related etc and I end up just going back to my old ways....however....have you ever known me to get my ass off the couch and workout??? Yea....for real...I do it... like all the time....it's my new addiction.....I can't go a day without. I can be tired, in pain, busy etc and I will still do it. I blame my friend....he posted on his FB how he was going to start training for something and I got pissed....I don't like to be outdone by him (we have an odd rivalry thing) so the next day I bought some running shoes and bam....I was out the gate and have never looked back. Not that it's all glitter and unicorns....I've had some setbacks. I pretty much fucked up my foot (which is all better now) I worked through 2 weeks of knee pain....every time I did anything I could totally hear them yelling at me You Fat Bitch Why Are You Doing This!?!? ....then I started to freak out.....cuz I was just doing the same stuff over and over again so I got some resistance bands. I highly recommend them....but I had to learn a little control....I got a bit zealous and I'm pretty sure I broke my boob...it hurt for like 4 days!!!!! Plus I would catch myself holding it and rubbing it....which got plenty of interesting looks in Target the other day.....no big deal...it's not the worst thing I have ever done in a Target ;) This morning I decided to start working on my butt....all women want a nice booty and all men appreciate one. I looked up some things to try on the internet....I decided to try some of the stuff from the Brazilian Butt Lift program......they didn't look to bad (famous last words). Well....by the time I was done I was straight up crying and yelping out in pain.....I had no idea my booty could hurt like that. Will I do it again???? Hellz yea I will.....shedding a few tears is totally worth getting a fine ass! I keep getting asked why and how...why do you keep it up and how do you find your motivation.....Why....to be honest....I want to buy sexy new jeans.....I'm tired of being the frumpy chick who swears a lot...I want to rock some silver jeans and a slutty top and be confident ( I will still swear a lot). How...do I find the motivation.....some days it's easy...and I don't need any...some days...I need to talk to my friend...you know the one who inspired the whole thing.....he's doing great too BTW.....I have a great support system....and Pandora Radio....I can't do anything without music!!!!! I will never be skinny...to be honest...I'm not looking to be skinny...I just want to be a fairly hot soccer mom. Now if you will excuse me...I need to toss on my sports bra....I tried jumping jacks without one....it didn't go well....it was like a car accident....horrific and nothing anyone should ever witness! Peace Out!

Betty Crocker Ain't Got Nothing On Me....

I'm glad you can't go to jail for crimes against baked goods....I'd be so fucked. Today I decided that the kiddos would enjoy frosting some cupcakes....so knowing it was a bad idea I got up to make some cupcakes. Why was it a bad idea???? Because I very rarely escape the kitchen without injury or seriously jacking up whatever it is I'm trying make....but my dumb ass tried it anyways.... I went and found my cupcake maker....I thought it would be better to use that instead of the oven and the last time I used it I only burned one finger. I gathered all my ingredients and utensils....I turned on some Pandora radio to keep me in a good mood and mixed up my batter. So far so good. I put the batter into to cupcake maker and proceeded to wait....I sang along with the All American Rejects and checked my cupcakes....son of a bitch....they haven't baked at all! The stupid thing must be broken. What shall I do??? I preheated the oven and found a cupcake pan....loaded the batter in and away we go. I sang along with Creed and decided to wash the dishes...thinking to myself well...this isn't too bad. I happen to notice that I never plugged in the cupcake maker!!!!!! Oops oh well at least I can finish up the batter..yay! But that's when it all went bad. Smoke starts coming out of the oven.....however it wasn't my cupcakes....it was the shit I burned last time I tried to cook that was stuck on the bottom of the oven. Then it was time to take the cupcakes out of the maker....but.....well......I forgot to spray the molds and they all ripped apart and turned into itty bitty pieces....fuck. So I have one last attempt....there was still a little batter left......I spray the molds and dump in the batter and continue cleaning the kitchen up....but then I heard noises out front....apparently it was tree trimming day for the city....the kids and I watched for awhile...then they were hungry so I nuked them some lunch.....and OH SHIT the cupcakes....yep....I cremated them :( So pretty much the only cupcakes that I now have are the six that went into the oven....so when all the smoke clears we will frost and eat those....I will probably wash mine down with a very large glass of wine....

Price Check! Oh...Hell No!

Whoever invented endcaps by the register is an asshole. It is impossible to sound like a good mom while waiting in the checkout....No don't open that, Put that down, We have candy at home....etc etc. By the time I get to the register I've lost all my patience and I'm yelling at the poor cashier....I don't give a rat's ass if it's paper or plastic just get me the fuck out of here! As the barely trained teenager is trying to hurry it up I notice my devil spawn have tossed in 5 cans of tuna into the cart and a random beach towel but I don't want to slow down the process of getting out of the shit hole that is WalMart so I just let her keep ringing the stuff up. Then you gotta do one more check to make sure the children didn't nab a lip gloss or something and then I make a mad dash for the door like the place is on fire.... Heaven forbid someone call me while I'm at the store.....I won't be in a good mood....and it won't go well. Oh, I'm sorry to hear you have gall stones....but I'm at WalMart so your problems are meaningless. I think WalMart should just start serving shots of Patron...I think I could handle the madness if I had a good buzz....plus then the kids might have a chance of getting some candy from the endcap. I would need to take a little nap in the back of my mini van before I went home....but the kids could watch a DVD so it's all good right???? Well...gotta run...we ran out of Pop Tarts (one of my specialties) and toothpaste so....It's off to the store I go. Wish me luck! Peace Out!

Lost My Appetite...

So....I have a friend who writes this pretty rockin' blog, Bubble Gum On My Shoe. Her writing always pisses me off because it's good...no grammar issues, the spelling is correct, and she is actually interesting. She had this hilarious post awhile back about Dogtopus Soup....yea you read that correctly.

It was a hit and we joked around for some time about how we couldn't find a more disgusting dish if we wanted to. Well guess what.....I stumbled onto one this morning. Yep....just when I thought the food nightmares were behind me I found TURTLE BURGERS!

Oh my hell....who in their right mind would make these??????? You are seriously several forms of nutjob if you do. Don't get me wrong. I have a crazy sense of humor. I do odd shit all the time....but creepy food (that would require my children get mental help) is not one of them! I would feel like some sprouting serial killer if I made these...let alone forced my family to chomp down on one. Bleh. I think I will stick to burning Pop Tarts and ordering pizza.

Chores Make Me Buggy

Well...I'm pretty sure I need to start buying lotto tickets....I need funds to pay for a maid....preferably a hot male maid that looks killer in a pair of Levis and a wife beater...why do I need this maid???? because it has been proven once AGAIN that I am not meant to do housework. The weather has been exceptional lately and so I decided to start hanging my laundry on the line again. I usually don't mind doing this....it wastes time....my neighbors think I'm sorta domestic and it gets me outside and off my usual place on the couch. So I wash a nice big load of towels....drag them up from the basement and out to the backyard....I grab my first clothespin and HOLY MOTHER FUCKER!!!! A friggen spider crawls out from the pin and across my hand! I yelled several somewhat understandable obscenities (son of a cock mun...geez a fuck....crap crap crap uh fuckball!) while running in a circle like an idiot and tossing the clothes pin into the neighbors yard.....WINNING!!!! After a few moments I regained my composure and tried it again.....yeah....um that one had a spider web in it...so did the next several...I decided to just dump the bag of pins on the ground and what looked like a million spiders (for real it was like 13 but anything over 2 is a million when talking about spiders) went scurrying away. I puked a little. Then I got myself a gin and tonic. This was not going to be my day of domestic divaness and I was all out of fucks to give for the day. Later I found the courage (pretty sure it was the cheap ass gin I'm so fond of) and picked up my pins but now....yet another chore will require booze or some form of anti psychotic. Wish me luck. Peace Out!

I will find any excuse to not do the dishes....

I like to purchase a certain brand of dish sponges....they are spongy on one side and sorta scruffy on the other...they are usually very colorful and have some hippy looking pattern on them. I was stoked when I found a 3 pack on sale......woot woot (I'm sorta cheap). I opened up my pack...put one by the dishes and the other two under the sink. I noticed that they were purple, pink and white....pretty right? Till I started to wash dishes and instead of the usual flower designs it was a pic of of three women....CREEPY! I felt awful...here I was sticking their heads under the water and smashing their faces up against my dirty dishes. I get it...it's just a sponge but it weirded me out and damn it I have 3 of them! Doing the dishes is now going to give me an ulcer... I guess I could imagine that these women on the sponges are evil and deserve the torture....terrorists or something. I can see it now I will be screaming at the sponge, Tell me what you know!! Nothing?? Fine...Into the water you go!. Why don't I just buy new ones??? I told you....I'm cheap. So till my creepy lady sponges are dead I will just be a little eccentric while doing the dishes. I'm little weird anyway... Peace Out.

Menage A Trois????

Well...since I'm totally behind on the A to Z Challenge....I'm going to have a threesome. I'm going to pop off X, Y & Z all at once. I need to admit...it's my first time doing a threesome...I hope my other posts don't get jealous ;) X is for how eXtra eXcited I am to be done with this challenge!! Ok so this is cheating but come on....X is hard! I once said that doing this blog challenge was like having a jealous, broke boyfriend. I still feel this way. It's always there....it's always needing my time and attention....it needs me to do it all and I'm left feeling tired and less then stellar about myself. I am not great at blogging because I have to....I am more of an inspired "writer". So now I can say that I did it and be proud....but I can go back to my usual way of doing things! Yippie! Y is for YOU! All the wonderful people that stopped over to read my posts....even the shitty ones! I made some new friends and most of my usual readers stuck by my side. I appreciate all the support and fun comments. Thank YOU! Z is Zoo animal.....I'm sorta giving you a crap ending here. As of late I have turned face painting into my new hobby. It started as a fun thing to do with my little ones and I liked it. I am in no way an artist yet....but I'm having fun. My kiddos are starting to get sick of me practicing on them so yesterday I used my own face.....I don't like trying to paint myself!....it's harder then I thought.....anyways here is my purple tiger. Why purple??? Because I didn't have orange and I thought it was more Lady Gaga this way. Thanks for stopping by. It's been real. Peace Out!

W

W is for Where's the W post??? Once again the well has run dry and I have nothing....boring....I know. I had thought about tossing out a shit post about why are there hardly any female werewolves...but it's because thinking of a chick as a dog is stupid and so the post would be stupid too. Then I thought about doing one on Weekend....woot woot...everyone party!... But since I'm a mom all my days are the same and I don't really give a shit if it's Tuesday or Saturday. I know there are like a bagillion words that start with W and something should have inspired me...sadly you can't force the magic....unless you're a witch....but I'm more of a bitch so....no go. Whatever....it is what it is. Peace Out.

V

V is for Vulgar.....who me? Noooooo! Just because I have typed up several posts about vaginas, balls, poop, boogers, blow jobs etc and they happen to be littered with multiple cuss words... does not mean that I am vulgar. Wait....I just googled it....I guess I am. My aunt told me if I took all the swear words out of my blog that I would be a hit....but then my posts would be like 2 sentences long and way less colorful. My target audience isn't exactly her crowd anyway....so whatever. You can't please everyone....so I please myself (see even when I'm not trying I still sound naughty....it's a gift). I don't exactly know how this sailor like behavior came about.....I was raised by an old lady and sent to private schools and yet here I am throwing out more F bombs then George Carlin and Bob Saget combined. I am in no way saying that I am talented like they are....but I like their style. So....like it or not...this is me. If you don't like it....don't fucking read it. Peace Out!

U

U is for Unskinny Bop. You know....the song by Poison. If you don't know....that just proves that I am old. However....I suggest you look it up....it's pretty rad. Yep....I said rad. I have no actual idea what an unskinny bop is....I Googled it and I got several ideas....boinking fat girls, doing sex without a rubber, one night stands, something about a guitarist sleeping with a porn star etc etc but nothing concrete. My take on it is is's just sex without commitment of a relationship.... because one of the lines in the song is, You're saying my love won't do ya but that ain't love written on your face. So obviously it's not the school girl crush look...it's the I'm going to screw your brains out look. If you are not familiar with that face go look up any episode of, Rock Of Love, the reality show with, Bret Michaels, the singer from Poison. It's basically several sluts in a house all trying sleep their way into Bret's wallet. They are all very good at the fuck me face. I have gotten way off track here....I just wanted to raise a glass to a wonderful song. So....cheers!

Twist Of Lime

T is for Tonic....as in Gin and Tonic. Now I know y'all have heard me talk about my undying love for boxed wine.....and I'd never kick a cold beer out of bed either but as far as cocktails go....gin and tonics are my thing. It all started several years ago when I had to take a work trip to Reno (woot woot).....my Aunt met me out there and we had THE BEST time. Lots of gambling, sight seeing, food.....and that's when she introduced me to gin and tonics. There we would sit...playing video poker, smoking cigarettes and sipping our cocktails in some dark bar of a casino. Seriously....one of my favorite memories of all time. So now every time I slurp down a G&T the nostalgia comes back and makes my drink just that much better. What's your fav drink????

S

S is for Son Of A Bitch. I got cut off today by one....he almost killed me. I didn't handle it very well. I did the usual routine and started cussing followed by lots of middle finger flailing. Normally I would finish my temper tantrum with the throwing of something or horn honking but this particular son of a bitch was in a work truck.....for a company that I despise so something in me just snapped. I quickly calmed down and just started to follow him. It took that stupid ass a few blocks to figure it out then he just started driving randomly all over the place...then he started to drive slow thinking it would piss me off. I just kept calm and continued to follow him. His next brilliant idea was to drive in circles around a KMart Parking lot....so I did too. Finally he came to a stop....I did too... behind him but off too the side so I could see him. Ironically the song Blaze Of Glory was playing on the radio...He stuck his head out of the window and yelled "What's your fucking problem Bitch?!".....I just sat there. He got out of his truck....I reved my engine (as much as my stupid mom mobile could do) and he started to run!!!! I lost it....I just laughed and laughed and laughed....I may have shouted something at him like....Run you big pussy run...not sure. I felt better so I went home. I don't really know what I would have done if he didn't take off.....I know I was stupid for doing it....but for a brief moment I felt vindicated and it was badass! I also know why I don't carry a gun....hahahahahaha....jk....that son of a bitch wasn't worth a bullet. Peace out!

R

R is for Rhubarb. My husband brought me home a rhubarb plant starter kit and I couldn't be more excited. Last year I was desperate for some and it was hard to locate....I got some from the farmer's market but they were very proud of their product and it was spendy....but delicious none the less. I really wanted a plant of my own...couldn't locate one...bummer...so when the hubs brought it home I was delighted. Rhubarb brings me back to my youth....it would grow wild around my neighborhood and my grandmother would send me out to collect some and then make the most amazing bars with it. Now...it's nowhere to be found...I can't wait for my kids to be able to pick it and help me bake....well....help my husband bake (I start fires in the kitchen....we just don't get along). So...wish me luck that my plants survive so that new memories can be made ( and yummy goodies too)! Peace Out!

Q

Q is Quiche. Quiche is NOT something I will eat....ever....even if it meant I would die if I didn't have a bite. Quiche....lord even the name sounds yucky. I have sampled it on a few occasions and every time I wanted to scrub my mouth out with tennis shoe. This is one of those foods invented by the devil himself....like lutefisk, haggis and black jelly beans. I'm not sure what it is about it that is so wretched.....I like all of the ingredients on their own but mixed up in that pie/tart thing just makes me cringe. I would say that my disdain for quiche is weird but....I also won't eat fruit that is cut into squares and I put peanut butter on my turkey sandwiches so.....it's actually just me that is weird. (Shocker)

Do you have any weird food phobias???

Pretty Plumage

P is for Peacock. I have a small love affair with peacock feathers, patterns, pictures etc. I am not really sure when it started but I find it...majestic. I personally have not started any kind of collection but that is because I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop....It will break me. We were at the renaissance festival last summer and I found a full length coat made entirely of peacock feathers....for at least 8 days I was trying to figure out how to not only pay for the $7,000.00 coat but I was totally justifying it in my head. Luckily I got distracted by the bill for my daughters private school.

So....yea....I know it is only a matter of time before I start crafting and sewing however I am trying to hold off as long as I possibly can. I hardly made it out of the ladybug collecting alive and that was something I thought was cute....imagine how bad it will be with something I think I am in love with...sigh.

OMG!

O is for Oh Shit! Mom's have millions of Oh Shit moments...it starts when the plus sign appears on the pregnancy test. Happy or not you know your life is about to change. The next is the first time you hear the heartbeat, you feel a kick and then that first major contraction....when you realize your uterus is about to ripped out and pulled out of your ass....but that quickly fades when your sweet baby's shoulders are trying to squeeze out of your now ruined vagina. After that there are bagillions of amazing moments....and they more then make up for the Oh Shits...but...don't ever be fooled into thinking they don't keep coming. The first god awful poop blowout in the middle of Target...the turd is just ALL over and the next thing you know you have taken up and entire aisle of the baby section....blankets everywhere....piles of the now to be burnt clothes, diapers and wipes....you have used every wipe you brought and every kleenex in you purse so you grab a pack of wipes off the shelf....you notice some asshole is staring at you and gasping in horror....you hear yourself shouting "What? You never shit?!". Total nightmare. You also want to flee but realize you don't want to leave the house for a few days so you continue to shop anyways.

Next major Oh Shit is when the creepy guy tries to watch you breastfeeding while you are at the restaurant and instead of just flipping him off you launch a fork at his head....oops.

Then there is the first time they say a bad word (asshole) and you KNOW it's because they hear you screaming it at other drivers in the mini van.

The Oh Shits keep going....they set fires, break things, start dating etc etc etc.....but there is an invention to help you cope with the Oh Shits....it's called....boxed wine. I DO NOT recommend you drink it while pregnant or breastfeeding.....in fact it' why my last baby was formula fed instead of boob ;)

Good Luck to all you parents out there....we need all the understanding and support we can get. I better go...I need to find the ice packs, wine glasses and my lawyers number....I like to be prepared for whatever upcoming Oh Shit is coming. Peace Out!

N

N is No Show....I just couldn't get conjure up a decent N theme. I guess my creative juices are depleting. No good. Sorry for the disappointing post.

M

M is for Mystery. I just finished a book...obviously a mystery. Before I Go To Sleep...by S.J. Watson. I normally do not do book reviews because...I normally do not make time to read. However this one was highly recommended so I said what the heck. On a scale of 1 to 5....1 being absolute shit and 5 being amazing I give this a 3.5. 98 percent of this book was soooooooo great....I couldn't put it down. I was however not so pleased with the last few pages. It didn't end with the same pizazz as the rest of the book. I had questions that were not answered etc etc....BUT I also am giving the author some leeway since it's his first novel. I totally recommend it as a read and I hope Watson will pen another book.

L

L is for Lust. One of the seven deadly sins....and probably one of the most fun. Who doesn't want to be doesn't wanted to be desired???? Granted....if it's from creepo in the 3rd cubicle it might be a little scary... but tell me your downstairs doesn't get all hot and bothered when you know that someone has been picturing you during morning masturbation? Hopefully it's your spouse or significant other but hey....some folks can't be picky.

I totally understand strippers and porn stars....it's gotta be a total high knowing that people think about you while they bang their frumpy, less then fun wives later...plus it must make you want to bring your A game when you do hit the sheets with someone....you want to live up to the hype. You can't just go through the motions...it's gotta be the whole deal...the scent, the sweat the ravaging that all leads to the mind blowing almost out of body explosion of pleasure that now all other sexual experiences will be compared to and can only be described as a scene from movie. All of that can be accomplished but you need to have confidence.....the sexiest thing a person can have is confidence. Easier said then done??? Yea....it is....take baby steps...get a new outfit, read something, take a class...anything to make you feel better about you...the next thing you know other people will want to feel you too ;) Peace Out!

Kinky & Delicious

K is for Kumquat. A kum what?? A kumquat....it's a small fruit that grows on a darling little tree. I didn't know that....but when I moved to FL I had one of these darling trees in my front yard and had no clue what it was. I finally asked the neighborhood know it alls what it was. Not only did they tell me it was a kumquat tree but also when it was planted and to watch out because the old man next store wakes up early to come and steal the fruit (he also stole my grapefruit too...till I put a fence up).

So later that day when my then husband came home I told home that we were the proud owners of a kumquat tree...he started laughing....I'm asked what was so funny....he said "I always thought a kumquat was a bad name you called a slutty girl". I told him he was thinking of twat...but now I tend to say kumquat....it's funny as hell.

I have heard girly bits referred to as fruit names before....peach, star fruit, ugly fruit and kiwi...so we can just add kumquat to the list. I gotta say...I don't get the kiwi thing...it's not sexy at all. If my lady parts were green and littered with seeds I would so be at the vagina doctor....just saying.

Well better go....I gotta make a fruit salad for a bbq tomorrow and now I have to find some fruits that don't make me think of a hoo haw....Peace Out!

Just Dance....

J is for Jazz Hands. Am I the only middle aged momma who dances in her mini van? I don't see other people rolling their windows down and jamming to Maroon 5 as hard as I do. Granted while driving I only sing but if I'm at a stoplight....I'm gonna bring it. I am pretty sure it's just cuz I'm a bad mother fucker and everyone else wants to be me....but I have been told by a few family members that I am just off my rocker. They can suck it...I have fun...and since I spend by day filling sippy cups and trying to keep crayon off the walls (which BTW is a futile task) the only time I get to bust a move is in my vehicle. I certainly am to old for clubbing...plus early 20ish people in bars annoy the hell out of me...too many OMGs and STDs roaming around. Yuck.

So....until my days in an old folks home where we can do the hokey pokey at noon right before bingo....I guess I will keep raising the roof in my mom mobile. And...until the other drivers learn how to merge correctly...I will not be keeping my spirit finger to myself ;) Well..gotta go...I need to run to Target for some PullUps...time to release my inner Lady Gaga. Peace Out!

There Is No I In Team...

I is for Inbred. I got the opportunity to go to my first MLB game yesterday....and as I was sipping my overpriced beers and eating some bomb diggity mini donuts I noticed that the hoards of people walking along all looked related. I couldn't tell one from the other....everyone had the same hair, build and glasses etc. Heck I could hardly tell the men form the chicks....well...there were a few stand out hooker looking women...but...I'm fairly certain the entire state is inbred. It was like being in private school all over again...everyone was related somehow and I just didn't fit in. At least at the game....I could legally drink booze.

I am not a big baseball fan...I'm more of a football girl so I had a hard time figuring out what was going on....after loads of stupid questions I was able to enjoy it more but I still don't understand why it takes so long....they wait more then they play...and why are there no cheerleaders???? and why don't they make the ball easier to see??? It should be hot pink or something. And what's with the dorky team names???? Who is intimidated by a Sock, Angel or Cardinal....sports are about beating the shit out of the other team and you wanna come at em with a Bluebird on your shirt??? Are you fucking kidding me?? Well...what do I know....I didn't even know there wasn't a half time. Baseball is not the suckiest sport to watch but it's one of the slowest....it's right up there with golf....another sport that needs some slutty cheerleaders..Can I get an AMEN?!

Will I attend another MLB game? IDK....my heart belongs to college football...(Go Gators) but thousands of married cousins can't all be wrong....maybe I will catch another afternoon at the park field thingy. Peace Out!

Oh...wait...speaking of inbred....my cat is inbred...look!

Habitually Late

H is for Hide & Go Seek....I'm pretty sure that is why my H post is late....it was hiding. OR it could be for Home Opener....I was at the baseball game and forgot to post it. You pick. Either way....sorry...I will try to rock the I post...but no promises. Peace Out.

G

G is for Gird Your Loins. One of my fav movie quotes from, The Devil Wears Prada. I say it often...along with several others. I love movie quotes....I use them all the time. I cannot drive near a K mart without my Rain Man impression spilling out of my mouth. I can't go to an ATM without yelling, Show Me The Money! And of course....I ask my husband, Why Do You Make Me Be Mean To You?....from Sweet Home Alabama. I seriously could go on and on with movie lines....but I am tired and need to go hide Easter eggs. Do you have any favorite movie quotes???? Please share. Peace Out!

F

F if for...fuck it. Sorry...I had something all set up about flop flips but my friends came over and I got a little loaded and I now I have nothing. I will wake up tomorrow and not be ashamed. I do love me some floppy flips but I love me some Franzia too and it was just one of those rare nights when the kids went to bed on time so...yep....I had a great evening. F it! TGIF bitches. Peace Out.

Not Your Granny's Panties....

E is for Edible Underwear. Yep...you read that right....panties you can eat. Am I the only one who thinks these are stupid????? Only two types of women buy these things....skanks and married women in need of something other then the same old routine. I'm not even going to touch the skanks ( and you shouldn't either....you might catch something)....I'm just going to ask the married women WTF are you thinking? I understand the way to man's heart is through his stomach but if you want Big Daddy to go downtown for dinner....don't fill him up with the Fruit RollUp you just slapped on your vagina! It will end up just turning into something silly and there goes the soap opera sex you were hoping for. I know they have the ones made out of hard candy....like the necklaces....but do you really want to chance him taking a bite of your banana split???? OUCH! Plus that's a candy I remember eating as a child so it just seems creepy.

If you really want some skin-e-max type action....then YOU need to take it....and if he doesn't want to play....get a divorce. Peace Out!

D.....is for....um....wait...I know I know it...hmmm

D is Dementia. I had this whole little silly story about how I was sure I had dementia. You know the whole...I can never find my keys, I can't ever remember why I walked into a room and then blame it on the kids....yadda yadda yadda.

BUT....last night I was talking to my Aunt on the phone and I was telling her all about the A to Z Blog Challenge that I was doing and when I went to tell her what I was planning for the letter D...I blanked! I started to snicker and had to explain that my D theme had to do with not being able to remember stuff....of coarse we started laughing hysterically....and I just kept rambling on about how I had written down etc....more laughter...after several minuets it finally hit me and I screamed out DEMENTIA that's it! We continued to giggle and she teased me about how it only gets worse as you get older.

So...I can't blame that little piece of irony on the kids....maybe the boxed wine....but I only had a snort so...I guess I'm just losing my shit. Oh well....soon I won't even know it. I hope I end up in good assisted living facility....the one my great aunt was in kept calling us to tell us she escaped! WTF???? I can see it now...I will be out and about in the middle of town with nothing but a bedazzled house coat on asking people if they know who I am and if they have any wine. Wish me luck on the wine! Peace Out!

C Is For Cat Lady

C is for Cat Lady. No...I am not one...yet. Only for two reasons.....I keep getting married and I still have kids in the house. Once the children are gone and yet another husband or two have tired of me I will be all alone in some one bedroom rental somewhere with 19 cats. I guess I have three reasons....reason number three is I am super selfish...true cat ladies put the cats first...they will go with out necessities and food for themselves so that their "babies" can eat. I personally am at a stage in my life where I still enjoy things ....like toothpaste, dish soap, chicken wings, smart phones, getting my hair done and Netflix...some day that will all seem unimportant and my world will consist of cats and vodka. I would say boxed wine but I may need something with a little more kick in it to deal with urine smell and the fact that my children will never visit me.

To be honest....I am sort of looking forward to it....just me and cats chillen and having happy hour whenever we want! Well, better go.....WalMart has a sale on cat litter.....better start stocking up! Peace out!

B Is For Boxed Wine

B is for Boxed Wine. Yep...I'm a fan. I know plenty of people who won't touch the stuff but if it was so friggen awful, it wouldn't exist. I always have a box (or two) in the fridge...right next to the juice boxes. Which reminds me..the Franzia company hasn't returned my e-mail where I suggested they have a spot on the top of the box for a large straw. How rude.

I started drinking boxed wine when my recycling bin got a little to heavy for me to drag out...actually that's a big fat lie....I started drinking it because I'm cheap. I very rarely pay more than $4.00 a bottle for wine...unless I'm really craving ChocoVine (yummy)....but it was a pain in the ass to load all the those bottles in the fridge....so my hubby took a look at the boxed wine and suggested that I try it....so I did and I have been happily sucking it down ever since.

I personally think the whole idea of having wine in box is a fantastic idea....you can't knock it over and spill it. I have yet to hear of it being used as a weapon....but I have seen someone take a bottle to someones head...ouch. Oh and when it's empty you can hide treats in it so the rest of the family doesn't eat them....hahahahaha!

I may not be able to get all my friends to jump on the boxed wine bandwagon....but I don't give a rat's ass....that's just more for Momma. Peace Out.

A Is For Abracadabra

A is for Abracadabra.....want to know why? Because it's going to take some major magic to get me to the end of this A To Z Challenge. I seriously have no idea why I am doing this....I have horrible writing skills, I'm unorganized, I'm a super duper procrastinator so signing up for this was straight stupid on my behalf. It was a total moment of weakness....between the peer pressure of some fellow bloggers (you know who you are) and some boxed wine I decided to try it.

I've already checked out some of the other challengers...and their shit is legit. I'm screwed! In honor of my inevitable crash and burn I'm gonna raise my plastic, polka dot goblet filled with cheap zinfandel and try to blow this hot mess I've gotten myself into out of the water....tired mom style!

So, buckle up and let's see where this crazy magic carpet ride takes us. Hmmmm...I guess they probably don't have seat belts on a magic carpets...perhaps wear protective gear like shin guards and helmets. Peace Out!

Wordless Wednesday 3/28/12

Wordless Wednesday 3/21/12

Wordless Wednesday 3/14/12

Juice Cleanse Update #13

Day 9....later afternoon. Well...not much to report. I'm about the same. Feeling pretty good. Wish I had pushed myself a little more to get some exercise in but all in all I am happy with what's going on with my results.

Since my post has nothing interesting I am going to give you a list of things I hate buying at the store....not that they are interesting or that you care but it will add some bulk to my post.


1. Paper towels...they are expensive and then you throw them out. It kills me.


2. Q-tips....not that they need to purchased frequently but for some reason I can never locate them in the store and it puts me in a bad mood.


3. Cat litter....its heavy and yet another thing I'm just going to toss out....plus it will include turds....awesome.



4. Tampons....it means I have my period so obviously I'm in pain and cranky...now to top it off I get to spend money on cotton plugs and pray I don't ruin my favorite yoga pants. (chances are I'm buying a cake and huge bottle of booze too)


5. Socks.....the friggen cat (who needs the litter) has a fascination with socks and drags them all over....so no matching pairs ever leave my house. I once had a cat that ate socks....only the dirty ones....weirdo. I also hate wearing sock... just the idea of my foot being enclosed freaks me out....so it's just not a comfortable purchase.


Ok, well now that I have bored you to tears have a great day and remember.....I'm probably only a few months away from another diet so prepare for the insanity! Peace Out.

Juice Cleanse Update #12

Day 7 late morning. Well...I am way less of a lunatic then I was..(about the diet that is....I'm still a nutjob). In fact I'm feeling amazing. I'm down 18 pounds, the headaches are gone and I just feel better all over. The time change made it a little difficult to get up and at em this morning but I already got a lot done and now I get to spend the day having fun with the kiddos. I'm so fricken motivated to drop all this unhealthy bs and just be me. I've always be fucking fabulous but it takes less effort now ;) I still have weak moments....last night I wanted onion rings sooooooooo bad...but the craving passed just as quickly as it came...no tears or meltdowns! I wish I could see the weight loss in my body...well I can but it's all from my boobs....they are always the first to go. No biggie nothing a pair of gym socks can't fix hahahahahha. I remember I went to flash my husband once and the two pairs of socks I had stuffed in there went tumbling down......sexy! Well gotta go....I need to go fill this day with my awesomeness! Peace Out!

Juice Cleanse Update #11

Day 6...early morning. Well...I totally cheated...I had dinner last night. I didn't go all crazy I had baked mahi on spinach....and it was amazing. I still intend to juice but yep I failed the total cleanse part. I'm down 14 pounds and it's keeping me motivated. So here I sit with my glass of lime water and soon my green juice. The weather is improving so I will have no excuses not to take the kids for walks and get my heart pumping.

The mornings are interesting...I still hate getting up....but not because I feel exhausted or sick....it's just because I hate mornings...I love being all warm and wrapped up in my blankets..I have always been more of night owl....but at least I don't feel as sluggish anymore.

I figure I'm about 10 pounds away from fitting into some new jeans and I really want to put on some sexy new jeans!!!!!!! So I can't just say...fuck it....I just gotta keep going...and I intend to. I had to have a pep talk from the hubbs tho...I got pretty down on myself....but even with the cheating I didn't have any booze, sugar, carbs or caffeine....I guess it could have been worse....I could have murdered a box of donuts and sucked down a box of wine like it was a Capri Sun (which yes I sadly have done before).

Well off to start my day....feeling motivated and ready to get back on the donkey. I know the saying is get back on the horse but horses scare me so I'm going to say donkey....plus the word, donkey is really funny to me... just say it over and over and over....tell me you don't laugh. No? fine...maybe it's just me. Oh well...I've always been easily amused. Peace Out!

My 5 Things Worse Then A Pap Smear

Ok....so one of my friends has an amazing blog, Solitary Mama and on Fridays she does Stupid List Fridays. Today's list was 5 Things Worse Then A Pap Smear. You should read it http://networkedblogs.com/uYHKD . Anywhoo....at the end she asked her readers to take a stab at 5 things that we consider worse then a pap smear....now I know how friggen awful those things are...but I think I can think of a few things....


1. Tooth Pain...it lasts longer and is likely more expensive.


2. The Kardashians....nuff said.


3. Getting Dutch Ovened.....that's when you are in bed and your mate pulls the covers over your head and farts. Luckily my husband isn't stupid enough to try this....he knows I would end up barfing and he would get to clean it up and in the end never get sex again.


4. Getting parenting advice from strangers in a store.....you know when your toddler is having a meltdown over pop tarts and all of a sudden some old lady who hasn't raised kids since the Great Depression tells you to just buy the pop tarts or worse when some hippie chick suggest that you buy organic patchouli cookies that way your kid wont have sugar withdrawals. My response to those people is never a nice one....but that is an entirely different blog post.


5. Lindsay Lohan's performance on SNL....I just felt so sorry for myself while I was watching it. Tragic.

This Is My Jam!

Everyone has a song or 5 that turn them into dancing freaks....it doesn't matter where you are...in your car, a bar, a store etc....for me it's anything by Flo Rida ....bet you didn't see that coming. My friends from back in the day would have bet money on The Pussycat Dolls or Black Eyed Peas but here I am it's not even 9am and I am literally dancing on my couch like a stripper to Right Round (you may know it from The Hangover soundtrack)....luckily the kids are up in their play room or that would be awkward :/ Not nearly as bad as the time I was dancing in a Target parking lot because I heard some Flo Rida from someone else's car....not only were people looking at me like I was nuts but then I fell down .....yes it's ok to laugh.......I would have cracked up too and we have already established that I am not exactly graceful... I am no stranger to falling down in the Target parking lots....heck I have multiple cities where that has happened....No biggie I live to shake my booty another day.

I however realize as I get older I am loosing my groove and getting more old lady...I have at least 10 years before my dancing gets lame WTF? I wonder if there is dance class to help middle aged women get less dorky????? I know I'm not pulling off that one hand in the air while bouncing thing....it's not pretty at all. Well, in the meantime I will keep doing the cabbage patch and running man....I got that shit down! (just don't ask my husband or friends or kids...they will disagree with that a little) Peace Out!

Juice Cleanse Update # 10

Day 4...dinnertime. Today wasn't so sucky...but I was distracted. My friend and the kids had pizza and there I sat with a pepperoni by my nose just sniffing away like a coke whore except there were no mirrors, drugs or sex. My friend felt bad but I told her that this was my choice and I'm ok. I came home and sucked down big glass of juice then water and now I feel all bloated and not very hungry so my normal nightly meltdown probably won't hit till closer to bed time and then I can just go to sleep! Wish me luck and if you see on the news that a crazy woman robbed the local BBQ restaurant but only took the brisket and sweet tea.....well that would be me.

WTF Is This?

Was at the thrift store & came upon this...it had a slit in it....I'm pretty sure I was holding a used merkin. Lots of hand sanitizer was used after I figured it out. YUCKY!

Juice Cleanse Update # 9

Day 4 breakfast time. Well....last night sucked the big rotten cucumber....I cried for hours. I know I use food as an emotional crutch and without it I was forced to think of other things....and I had a total meltdown. I think I'm ok now...It was probably good to get those tears out. Today I feel sort of ok....but I am down 12 pounds and still no headaches so that's progress.

I went to give my kids some Capri Suns this morning (lazy me) and I always take a sip out so that when they grab the pouch they won't squeeze juice all over the place. Well, I wasn't thinking and went ahead and took the sip....OH MY GOD...that shit is awful! It tastes like sugar water with hints of something....not sure what.. but it isn't fruit. So...my few days of juicing have definitely changed my perspective of what the hell REAL food should taste like. Well...I'm actually going to go spend time with a human who eats today...and I feel strong enough to try being around people....plus if I don't do some gossiping soon I will totally end up drinking the bottle of Cake Vodka in my freezer for lunch...

Juice Cleanse Update #8

Day 3....just before dinner time. Well...I'm still bored...but more blah then bored. I noticed that I haven't been craving soda or booze....which is weird....I thought those would be harder to let go of then food. Back in the day my diet consisted of Diet Pepsi, gin &tonics and the occasional hot dog from the Pilot gas station. As time has gone on I am definitely more of a foodie and I am more of a wine girl but yea soda and booze are still my staples....so I find it odd that I could give a shit about those....

The cravings for meat are kicking up....ribs, chicken, burgers etc....I'm having a hard time feeling full today....and I haven't really dropped anymore weight. I'm feeling a tad defeated. When I say tad I mean I want to launch a chair into a window and smash my fucking juicer into tiny little bits....but instead I will blog and drink more stupid water. Cheers Bitches....

Juice Cleanse Update #7

Day 3...mid morning. Eh....I feel ok...just bored. I'm not mad, I'm not sad...I'm not starving but I'm really really bored. I don't think the rain is helping any and I have zero motivation. At least I'm not trying hide in the bushes to hijack the meals on wheels guy.

Wordless Wednesday 3/7/12

Juice Cleanse Update #6

Day 2....just after dinner time. Well...my hubby took us all out for a walk today....and it was a great idea. I felt great....better then I had in weeks. I am usually all about walking with the kids and pointing out wonderful things....and I just haven't gotten off the couch in forever. If this were the movie, Seven, I don't know if I would be sloth of gluttony but Kevin Spacey would have killed me for sure.

My headache is now fairly non existent and my motivation has kicked back up a notch. Don't get me wrong I long for some Chinese food and some vodka right now but I also long to be healthy and happy. So for the moment I am less homicidal then I was this morning....hahahahahahahaha (menacing laugh)

Juice Cleanse Update #5

Day two....late afternoon. I took a long nap....I still feel wonkey but not as bad. I'm back to being hungry....I only know this because when I was giving my dogs their treats I thought they looked delicious. I wasn't even ashamed of myself. I would totally eat a barbecued dog right now....jk....I meant the treats. ;)

Juice Cleanse Update #4

Day 2 breakfast time..... My darling children got bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches and I got green cap in a cup....seriously I don't even care....I just want my head to feel better.

The caffeine withdrawals have set in....my brain feels like a fondue pot....all melty with metal pokers in it. If drug addicts suffer like this then I totally understand why most of them don't recover. I hurt so bad that I'm not even hungry. What a way to get healthy.....just be in so much pain that the thought of food doesn't cross your mind....I'm fairly sure that a serial killer thought of this....evil rat bastard.

Juice Cleanse Update #3

Still day one....now later in the evening....I would normally be sipping wine & having snacks right now....but no... I get water. I just want to punch myself in the face...for two reasons... #1 this was my fucked up idea.... #2 so I can pass the hell out & stop thinking about booze, Pepsi & pizza. I'm going to go cry now.

Juice Cleanse Update #2

Ok....day 1...around dinner time. I would give my right boob for a pizza and a six pack of beer. This shit better work.

Juice Cleanse Update #1

So I'm doing a juice cleanse....this is day one and I'm only a few hours in. I am already a raving lunatic. My preschooler woke me up several hours early....and since I am not really a morning person to begin with, this made for a torturous start. Then to top it off I go down to the kitchen only to see my juicer next to the coffee pot....oh dang...that's right no rocking the java to help make me feel human.....fuck. I make my juice....which doesn't totally blow but afterwards I had to make the children some breakfast....that sucked....no delish goodness for mommy....literally tears are starting to flow. I mostly just feel confused. I knew this was going to be hard but I didn't realize how just plain odd it was going to be. I love to drink....but I prefer my drinks have caffeine or booze in them...sometimes both. I think I'm going to go wrap some coffee grinds into a bandanna and tie it around my nose....maybe the smell will help......I am trying to keep my eye on the prize but so far without any caffeine I can't keep my eyes open..............sucky ducky.

I Only Bruised My Ego & Elbow & Leg & Hip Etc...

I'm sure I have mentioned from time to time that I am a major clutz....like big time. You know how that freak Teri Hatcher was always falling in bushes and stuff on Desperate Housewives??? Yea....I make her look like a ballerina.....just in the last 48 hours I have gotten my foot stuck in my own pants causing me to fall into the baby gate which resulted in my landing on a plastic princess dress up shoe with my neck. Later that evening I was crossing over the same gate and I stepped on my cat's head....so me not wanting to kill him I just dropped....but that meant my girly bits took a direct smack onto the baby gate....I really don't need the use of my vagina right????
But it gets better....the next evening we had lots of freezing rain and since I didn't want my hubby to fall and die the next morning on his way to work I decided to go toss some salt down....however I only got has far as the second step and BOOM down I went....landing somehow on my knee, toosh and big toe...not to mention my hands got all ripped trying to save myself from death....so there I was laying in the rain on the ice...screaming for my husband to come help me....but he didn't hear me so I had to drag my fat broken ass into the house....I was bruised and bloody within seconds.....awesome. Well the salting would have been a stupid effort anyways because we woke up to like 4 inches of heavy wet snow....my hubbs shoveled before he left for work but since more fell I decided I would go and do it again.....I did pretty good...only slipped twice but as I was trying to scoop some snow off the stairs I hit my foot with the shovel....OH MY GOD....it hurt and the of coarse I slipped and fell on my face. To add insult to injury some super sweet asstard honked at me.....thanks buddy.
My Grandmother always joked about just wrapping me in cotton and keeping me locked in my room....I'm starting to think she was brilliant.
Well better go....for some reason I am going to take the kiddos out to play in the snow....but first I need to order one of those life alert things....Help I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up! Peace Out.

Wordless Wednesday 02/29/12

Take Me Drunk, I'm Home

Ever been so drunk that you ask a complete stranger to hold your purse so that you can go try to have sex with your husband who is pissed off at you in the parking lot of bar...only to realize you are too drunk to get down the three whole stairs so you change your mind??? yea...me either but my friend and I totally witnessed that last week....hahahahahahah....this lady who ended up being the talk of the local watering hole was just a hot damn mess....first she asked us if this guy that was walking away from us was hot....we both responded....no not at all...not our type....she lost her mind....saying "he's so damn sexy" etc....come to find out it was her husband....and here we both just ragged on him lol...oops....dumb drunk bitch shouldn't have asked. He eventually came back into the bar to try and get her home but by then she had decided that she was just going to make an evening of hitting on people and crying....it was the best free entertainment ever....but the kicker...my absolute fav was when she dragged a blind man out onto the dance floor and made him dip her....but she fell to the ground and almost dragged him down with her.....we seriously almost pissed our pants. The blind guy had it coming...he was a bit of a creepo anyways....my friend had offered to help him earlier only to hear about cocaine and malpractice law suits etc and I was sort of afraid he was going to try and grab her boobs and pretend he was just trying to shake hands.....this is why I am not a good Samaritan....people try to fuck you....take that however you like. Moral of the story....drunk bitches are fucking hysterical....this is why I only get loaded at home....too many assholes with smart phones uploading shit to YouTube these days.....damn...why didn't we video her????? Well gotta go....I'm out of boxed wine and I need to hide my Flip camera in case the hubby tries to record me doing my Yoda impression again. Peace Out!

Not So Crafty Bitch

I feel like a giant idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I decided I NEEDED to have the kids help me make one of those melted crayon projects for one of my windows. You know a bunch of crayon shavings melted between wax paper....so I bought a box of cheap crayons...found my iron and pulled out the wax paper....then I just fucking stood there wondering how to shave the crayons....first I whittled at them with a butter knife but that went to slow...then I used a box cutter but only ended up chopping my crayons into bits...then I got a "great" ideal...I would use the cheese grater....it worked...and it was quick!!! woot woot....until I was done and realized I completely hosed my kitchen utensil....FAIL!




To make matters worse....just today (a week after the incident) I was checking out blogs and saw that someone else was doing a similar project so I had to see how they shaved their crayons (tee hee...that sounds dirty)....that's when it happened....the moment I had to come to terms with the fact that I am mentally challenged...I wanted to die....I started to cry...which quickly turned to laughter at my stupidity. Do you know what normal people use to get crayon shavings???? I'm sure you do....because chances are you are not retarded like I am. They used a motherfucking pencil sharpener! Yep....DUH....why did I not think of this???? I am so ashamed of myself...but apparently not enough to no share my blunder with y'all. Hope you are having a good laugh at my expense....otherwise this is all for nothing. Wish me luck on my next project.....Peace Out!





The finished project

Sh*t My Daughter Says

So currently my darling toddler is really talking up a storm....I love hearing her words....she has such a sweet little voice (usually) however it's not really an "inside" voice....but that is not her fault....the entire family is loud....most of the time her words are complete or close enough that you know what she is trying to say....However...she can't say the word, jacket. She just calls it a jack...kind of cute right??? Well yes except for when we go inside a store and she wants to remove her coat...so to notify me she starts yelling "JACK OFF MOMMA!" ....repeatedly until I have it has been taken off and then like 10 people are looking at us in horror and I'm laughing hysterically.....I know she's not trying to say a bad word (trust me she says, shit, just fine) but I like to let people wonder why this adorable small child is saying something so vulgar. Well...gotta go....I think I will take my sweetie pie to an old folks home for a visit....let's see if they have their hearing aids turned up! Bwahahahah! Peace Out!

Thank Goodness For Paying At The Pump!

I hate the smell of bubble gum...weird right??? But there is a reason....and it's a bit odd.....153 years ago when I was a small child I had my tonsils taken out....it was the worst summer ever....not only did I have my first surgery but I also got the chicken pox (from my nemesis no less....I still hate that bitch) anywhoo...back to the infamous bubble gum....when I was at the hospital they let me pick out a scent that they would put into the knock out gas mask....cool right??? and me loving bubble gum thought it would be awesome....well.....getting my tonsils removed was fucking horrible....it took me forever to heal...I was constantly barfing up blood and ended up addicted to codeine...and now every time I smell bubble gum I get all panic attackey. The worst place is a gas station....I hate going into those....they have oodles and oodles of gum and I always end up all tense and freaked out....not because of the drunk homeless guy that tries to help me into my car for change or because of the local drug dealer on the pay phone....not even because of the pissy crack whore buying Redbulls and rolling papers with her EBT card who keeps giving me the look like she wants to shank me for the contents of my Miley Cyrus wallet...if she only knew that she has way more money on her card then I have in the bank....it's because while I'm standing there wating to purchase my very large fountain drink the teller and customer in front of me are having a super lengthy conversation in fricken Spanish...and all I can smell is the aroma of the bubble gum and I just KNOW there is some creepy doctor dressed like he's from the 1920's with rusty hacksaw waiting to drag me off into the shadows and perform some horrible, torturous surgery leaving me to bleed to death while he drives off in my mini van looking for my family...
See, told you it was odd....and now that I read it I feel a bit disturbed....I really should e-mail this to Dr. Phil...but he would just tell me that I can't let the pigs out of the pen if I can't skip the ducks across the pond...or some stupid shit like that....so I guess I will just pack some pepper spray and take some krav maga classes. Wish me luck....Peace Out.

The Keeper Of The Cubes....

My ice maker is obviously a prostitute...well...at least is has the schedule of one. Most of the time it's awesome....does nothing but put out....and then BAM...it's off duty for a week. WTF....really and its always when I really really need it too...I could always make ice by myself but we all know it's just not the same and never enough...who has room for the trays anyways....between the booze bottles and popsicles there is no where to put them....stupid. We have looked and looked and just can not figure out why the damn thing decides to shut off but the only answer seems to be is that it's a moody bitch. For some reason...if you go and purchase a bag of ice it gets jealous and starts working again...hmmmm....I guess it could be worse...it could be a man....that would be awful....cubes stuck to the top of freezer that taste like salt...no thank you. Peace Out!

What They Didn't Teach In Driver's Ed...

I think back and remember all the not so nice things I have done to people over the years....and for most of them I feel a little bit bad...and there are a few moments I really wish I could take back....but anything that involves road rage...I feel perfectly ok about. I am so sick of asshole drivers....here is my public service announcement for all you young assfucks out there that think its perfectly ok to "drive" around like its ok to treat other drivers like they are inferior....especially those you who are shitty to mini van drivers....you see the majority of mini van drivers are moms or dads and chances are those parents are sleep deprived, haven't had a shower and woke up to the dog sifting through the garbage and you just cut them off....guess what??? That was a bad idea....you are now the straw that broke the camels back....you put their children in danger, you were rude and now you unleashed a world of shit....parents do not put up with outside bs....we already deal with Sharpie on the walls, gum in the hair, jumping on the bed and broken...well everything....so now there is no more tolerance left for the 22 year old Jersey Shore wanna be that is driving like a demon on the way to tanning salon. We are going get you...and you should know it's going to be bad....parents are not afraid of anything....you push and 8lb screaming child out of your vagina (or even see it happen), clean up boogers, poop, vomit etc. from places that God did not intend us to see and tell me that you and your used crappy 3 series BMW will be a match for me and my wrath. So the next time you think about taking my turn at the stop sign....remember....I will find you...plant drugs and porn in your trunk and call your tag in....If I haven't just decided yank you from your vehicle through the windshield by your hair and strangle you with the seat belt.....while all the other parent drivers help hide your car in the bottom of a river. Well...gotta go....I need to head to Walmart....this should be interesting...we know all the pleasant sophisticates stroll around there... Peace Out.

I'd Give You My Last Glass Of Wine....

If you looked at my friend list you would notice that I surround myself with a wide variety of people....which makes me feel better about myself...I always feel so ridiculously opinionated that I was beginning to think I was a huge turd. But considering the people I consider my friends and the fact that I can point out things I love and admire about all of them I think there is hope that I am not a giant asshole. I have single moms, single dads, clergy, child free, super educated, creative, rednecks, young folk, several races and religions, gay, straight, slutty, animal lovers, sports freaks and the list goes on and on and on.....but what I really dig is that they all bring something to the table and are willing to share it with me...I learn from them all and I hope they know that I love them for it. I know people who would never spend time with someone like me...my nails and boobs aren't fake (but I really want fake funbags) my cars are old (but paid for) I swear and tend to drink like a sailor.....I am what you call...white trash. But the people who snub me can suck it....I have an army of friends who are not close minded dipshits and deserve my prayers(yes I pray) and concern. I will never understand why they put up with me and all my craziness but I'm glad they do.
So... this is one of the very few warm and fuzzy posts...I prefer my borderline psychotic rants but just in case one of my homies needed to hear me say that they matter...because we all have days like that....I thought I would put it out there for them to see. Now I need to go out in the world and get pissed off about something....I hate this mushy shit. Peace Out.

Sing A Song For Me

So this morning my very talented toddler was strumming on her pink princess guitar and singing, the tar (meaning guitar) the tar goes ting ting ting the tar the tar goes woo woo woo. Now I don't know about you but I'm pretty darn sure she is a future Grammy award winner...and she better take me as her guest to the Grammys... after all I bought that guitar and I have always wanted to go to an awards show! If she doesn't take me I'm not going to lie...my feelings will be hurt and I will just have to write a book about her called, My Turdy Daughter Didn't Take Me To The Grammy Awards...which will be a best seller, be turned into a sit com (probly on FOX) which I will be begged to be a writer on and BOOM I win an Emmy. Guess who I take as my date to the Emmy Awards??? Duh my daughter who snubbed me....the talk shows will eat it up....however I will be wearing a full length black gown, long sleeves and high neck with her name written all over it in red swarovski crystals....which will land me on some horrible show that Joan Rivers will still be hosting due to her deal with devil, and I will be all over the E! channel as worst dressed....but I am totally ok with that because for every second they are talking about my dress they are not talking about that annoying Kim Kardashian! I just hope my sex tape doesn't get out....well better go....I need to go drop 100 pounds and make a sex tape...Peace Out!

Put Your Drinks Up....

Don't you hate when you decide to try a new food or drink thinking it's going to be awesome and it ends up being wicked gross? I like to purchase those drink mix thingys that are single serve packets because plain water is just...well....plain. I usually get raspberry, fruit punch and some sort of mandarin green tea but to mix things up a bit I decided to get this dragon fruit stuff....it had a pretty picture....sounded exotic and I was super excited for it but it ended up tasting like cat food. I should have known better...anything with the word dragon in it should be a warning. Since when does dragon mean good?? However I am considering changing the buzzword, ninja to dragon....(that's for you Micah) anyhoo....back to my drink....this dragon fruit could have potential if I mixed it with tequila and lime but then I wouldn't make it to parent pick up without getting arrested so I think I will just throw the shit out or donate it to a witch for her potions. I am all for trying new things but I will be more careful of the names....they say don't judge a book by it's cover but they never said anything about beverages! Well, gotta go...there is a sale on Crystal Lite at Target...gotta beat all those skinny bitches in their spandex capri pants to it...Peace Out!