What The F*ck Was That????

Some of the best sex you will ever have...will get totally ruined by...queefing. It's a fact. It's like Mother Nature's joke on you for getting your freak on. Just when you get a little adventurous & try a new, hot position...queef. Just when you are grinding out the best orgasm of your life ...extra long queef. It sucks....and no one fucking tells you about them! In fact... once I thought about it....I realized that I didn't even tell myself about them. I had my first queef at 15. No not because I was getting diddled by JV quarterback....boys didn't like me much in high school (not even the one that knocked me up). I cried a lot back then and when I wasn't crying I was being like a huge bitch....so it's really not that different from the way I am now except my boobs were smaller....I wasn't exactly super popular with the boys. Okay so back to my non sexual queef....it was during dance practice...I use to be cute and fit....and yes on the dance team.....we were doing some stretches...like trying to get our feet over our heads (that sounds strippery but I promise it's not...we did jazz dances to christian rap music...stop laughing.) and I guess my body bent too funny and when I brought my leg down...queef. OH MY GOD...of course my freaking nemesis heard it and yelled out -EEWWWW Did You Just Fart?! - here's the deal....I was so freaked out by the fact that the fart sound came from my vagina...which by the way I was still so young I didn't say the word vagina yet...pretty sure I just called it....my down there.... I was so freaked out about my Down There noise - that I said yes...I farted..and tried to laugh it off. It wasn't till years later after I was dis mounting a top position that it happened again and I freaked the fuck out!!! There was no Google yet...I couldn't just look up Down There Farts in the encyclopedia....I don't have sisters and I lacked in the close friend department because of the whole crying lunatic/raging bitch thing. As time went on and that whole internet idea got popular.. that and I acquired a few BFFs to chat with....I now know queefing is totally normal and yet still so embarrassing. Like even when I just have sex with myself and it happens I get all out of sorts....like the Miguel 3.0 with 8 speeds really gives a rat's ass if I toot from my lady parts....smh. But hey- I have advice...... you can get on Fet Life and find guys that are into it....You can make your lover wear noise cancelling headphones....You can shut your legs and not have this type of incident at all or you can just learn to laugh it off. Here's the deal fellas....if she sounds like the marching band's brass section lives in her coo-ka-loo.....you are probably doing something right...just take it as a round of applause. If she get's a little weirded out....be a gentlemen and pretend you didn't hear it. We know you did but we are more likely to touch your wiener again if you just play dumb. Who the hell came up with the word queef anyway??? I suppose I could Google that as well.....but couldn't it be called something a little nicer like....tra la la la la? Oh I'm so embarrassed....I totally tra la la la-ed during intercourse....oh heavens. Yea....I like tra la la la la better. Now...I know there are going to be handful of you ladies out there that will swear to the fact that you do not.....tra la la la la....you are big fat liar faces. I don't care how tight your shit is....because believe me I do my kegals and I can squeeze the life out of a Slurpee straw....we all do it from time to time. IF YOU TRULY DO NOT EVER QUEEF....YOU ARE HAVING BORING SEX!!! Think about it.....Peace out.

L & M

L & M....L is for Lazy...and M is for masturbation. Yes for me they go together.... I am too lazy to masturbate....I hate it. I really really hate it. Not only do I have to do all the work to get myself off but then I have to wash my hand when I'm done...I can't just fall asleep. Why diddle myself anyways....it's not the same as getting some good oral or sex from a guy...and toys are dumb...I can't feel sexy while fucking a purple plastic dick with rabbit ears hanging off of it...I'd rather just drink a bottle of wine...watch 21 Jumpstreet and pass the fuck out. Maybe I'm weird....but didn't y'all already figure that out??? Its just not my thing...but I think a good cheesecake can fix any kind of pent up sexual frustrations I have... sorry about the TMI but I'm running out of ideas for this challenge so...Peace Out!

J & K

J & K stand for Just Kidding....because I don't have anything....I am so behind and not feeling wicked creative so.... I thought J would be for jacking off...but I decided that M would be for masturbation ...well I guess I could still use Jacking off because M was only about me...and jacking off implies guys. What are your thoughts on dudes jerking it??? I think if they are in a relationship with me then they don't need to unless I ask them too for my entertainment.....or I am mad at them and am not giving up the honey pot...then fine...whack it....but you better be thinking of my boobies.... Guys all have this technique of jerking that I can not seem to replicate....so I am not into giving handjobs.....no way it can compare to their years and years of stroking it for themselves..... K.....what was K going to be about??? I don't know....Kangaroos??? Kegels??? OH....knowing me K was for Kinky..... I have found as I get older that my idea of Kinky has changed.... When I was a teen I wouldn't have sex in the light and I was only on bottom....now....well I still don't like the lights...my ass is massive....wish I had enjoyed my body in the light when I was younger...oh well. But things that would have freaked me out even in my 20's...now not so much...but I will never get into being peed on....or having extras...sex is for 2 people....I would lose my mind if two penises were trying to poke at me and I really don't want any vagina in my face. If that's your thing...then good for you...I will stick to fingering buttholes, slapping people around and my pierced nipples.... Well it's the weekend....y'all go have a few drinks and jack off or get kinky.....just make sure to tell me all about it! Peace Out!

E....

E is for Eventually ....because I may be late posting for the challenge from time to time (like this one) but I will get to it Eventually. lol Ok...let's be honest...E is really for Ejaculation. Weather it's male or female (also known as squirting but that sounds so damn awful) it's the sincerest form of flattery. Some say imitation is but I'd say blowing a load is a damn good way of saying...HEY, YOU FUCK GREAT! (or oral or anal etc.) Nothing hotter than knowing someone is thinking of you while they pleasure themselves.....and considering all the porn, playboy type magazines and sluts out there....having someone cum all over their bedspread over you is super "sweet" .... Now granted none of this is aimed at anyone under 22...dudes cum if the wind changes until then and girls should wait till at least 22 before throwing their lives away for a big O (trust me) .. I do have a question....how come only some dudes pre cum????? I prefer it....I know I'm going in the right direction so to speak ;) Oh wait....maybe they all do and I just use to suck at foreplay...damn now I'm sad.....balls. Well...I'm off to think of an F post....enjoy blasting the batter...Peace Out!

C Is For Cunnilingus

C is for Cunnilingus ....I know...I am always talking about sex stuff...it's because my mind is always always always in the gutter and if I had to pick something other than sex stuff C would be for Crap because that's all I got. I thought about it all day and had pondered doing Cake (I fucking love cake)...I even made one..the kids helped frost it but nothing ridiculously exciting happened. No fires, no eggs in the eyes....nada. So...that would be a tad bit boring. So here I am with C is for Cunnilingus...which is fine with me...it's one of my favorite things. It's right up there with boxed wine and cake. If I could have all three at once I would be soooo happy....well no...I thrash around like that chick in the exorcist so it would probably get really messy and I already do enough laundry..so maybe we will leave the snacks out if it. Isn't it sad when someone goes down on you and it sucks???? You just lay there knowing that if this is bad...then the sex will be probably be bad too...so you debate if you should just grab your panties and go. Why chance a bad lay??? All guys think they rock at it too and well...not everyone is a rockstar. Most can be taught if you feel like putting the time in...but you must shame them...no one wants to be bad at licking pussy....so don't lie and be like Oh it's awesome...then they won't want direction....just be honest and say, Hey this is awful....if you want me to cum you need to actually find my clit! But...when it's good it's good and is great for when you don't want to get totally undressed or when you don't have a lot of time but just need to get off.... If your partner does not like to go downtown to chow then you need to kick them to the curb and beat them with a bat....well not the beating part....then you will go to jail and end up giving cunnilingus to some huge chick named Pat...no fun! Well...I hope I have rambled on enough for this post...I'm going to go have cake now. Peace Out!

A Is For Asshole

A is for Asshole. Yea...so I did this blog challenge last year and it nearly killed me...So what did I do???? I went and signed up for it again...like an asshole. I didn't prep (again) and I think I already have an ulcer just thinking about trying to make it to Z. Oh well....at least for a whole month I will have to write....I haven't really been hitting the keys a lot as of late so perhaps this will get my creative juices flowing. For those of you that know me....I'm sure you were expecting something a little more saucy so here's a little something for you. A is for Asshole....and if you are going to let someone play with your back doorbell make sure you lube that lazy brown eye...spit is free and effective ( I hear Jenna Jameson prefers it)....but if for some reason you are kinky enough for ass play but not for letting your partner lick your butt hole then... A is for AstroGlide.......I guess. You know what...I have a random thought....all guys like ass play...if they say they don't they are full of shit (well you know what I mean)....they just won't admit it...which is dumb....why not ask for what you want??? If they have never tried it...just get them drunk and do it. Think about it....it's only fair...they are always trying to get up our asses but they are too chicken to let us finger fuck theirs. LAME. Trust me...they will love it...millions of gorgeous gay men can't be wrong. Peace Out.

22 Positions In A One Night Stand

So...in a half drunk channel flipping evening I had over the weekend I saw something (I think) about someone getting 3 wishes but they only lasted 24 hours. I got to thinking about what I would do. I thought of several things....my first husband being covered in red ants, having my high school nemesis covered in hair, The Kardasians plagued with flesh eating bacteria....etc etc etc....but none of those really made me feel exceptionally happy....perhaps a bit delighted but not truly happy. After tons of thought I have my 3 wishes. 1. That all of my family and friends have one day of total bliss. No toe stubbing, all green lights, no financial worries etc etc etc. If only for one day I want all my loved ones to have just a phenomenal time. 2. I want anyone who hurts children to pass very large kidney stones. 3. I want to have a penis and balls. That's right....I NEED to know what it's like. I want to pee standing up wherever I want....outside, in a plant, off a bridge etc... I want to know what it feels like to "free ball", what it feels like to do jumping jacks with a dick swinging. I know how I feel when I get turned on but I can't even guess what it's like to have an erection...it's fascinating to me. Plus...think of all the inside info I could get....I would finally figure out how to give a decent hand job! I defiantly want to have sex with it....but I think it would be hard to find someone who will let me....after all...I only wished for a penis and balls...which means I still look like me. Kinda hard to find someone who will let me poke them. I would ask one of my friends but that would seriously change our relationship.....but come one.....I finally have a chance to feel what the big deal is...what millions of men have begged for, songs have been written about and wars have been fought over...ok maybe not but still the vagina has caused some epic issues. If I could experience the honey hole as a dude I most definitely would. But mostly I just want to walk around in a towel and then swing my cock around in circles...men always seem to do that....I don't understand why...it looks really stupid but since it's something they all do...I must try it. I'm sure there are several bad things that I would experience while having a penis....getting it caught in my zipper, squishing my balls and premature ejaculation but that would be helpful too....maybe be I could be more empathetic to male issues.....BWAHAHAHAHAHA....ok probably not....I'm sure I would just use that info for evil purposes..but hey I already used one of my wishes for something good....my sweet side has it's limits. So....to all my lady friends out there....if I somehow manage to find a genie to grant me my three wishes and I get my penis for a day and you find it in your heart to let me fuck you....I will totally not be wearing a condom.....they say bareback is the way to ride!!!! Peace out!

U

U is for Unskinny Bop. You know....the song by Poison. If you don't know....that just proves that I am old. However....I suggest you look it up....it's pretty rad. Yep....I said rad. I have no actual idea what an unskinny bop is....I Googled it and I got several ideas....boinking fat girls, doing sex without a rubber, one night stands, something about a guitarist sleeping with a porn star etc etc but nothing concrete. My take on it is is's just sex without commitment of a relationship.... because one of the lines in the song is, You're saying my love won't do ya but that ain't love written on your face. So obviously it's not the school girl crush look...it's the I'm going to screw your brains out look. If you are not familiar with that face go look up any episode of, Rock Of Love, the reality show with, Bret Michaels, the singer from Poison. It's basically several sluts in a house all trying sleep their way into Bret's wallet. They are all very good at the fuck me face. I have gotten way off track here....I just wanted to raise a glass to a wonderful song. So....cheers!

L

L is for Lust. One of the seven deadly sins....and probably one of the most fun. Who doesn't want to be doesn't wanted to be desired???? Granted....if it's from creepo in the 3rd cubicle it might be a little scary... but tell me your downstairs doesn't get all hot and bothered when you know that someone has been picturing you during morning masturbation? Hopefully it's your spouse or significant other but hey....some folks can't be picky.

I totally understand strippers and porn stars....it's gotta be a total high knowing that people think about you while they bang their frumpy, less then fun wives later...plus it must make you want to bring your A game when you do hit the sheets with someone....you want to live up to the hype. You can't just go through the motions...it's gotta be the whole deal...the scent, the sweat the ravaging that all leads to the mind blowing almost out of body explosion of pleasure that now all other sexual experiences will be compared to and can only be described as a scene from movie. All of that can be accomplished but you need to have confidence.....the sexiest thing a person can have is confidence. Easier said then done??? Yea....it is....take baby steps...get a new outfit, read something, take a class...anything to make you feel better about you...the next thing you know other people will want to feel you too ;) Peace Out!

Not Your Granny's Panties....

E is for Edible Underwear. Yep...you read that right....panties you can eat. Am I the only one who thinks these are stupid????? Only two types of women buy these things....skanks and married women in need of something other then the same old routine. I'm not even going to touch the skanks ( and you shouldn't either....you might catch something)....I'm just going to ask the married women WTF are you thinking? I understand the way to man's heart is through his stomach but if you want Big Daddy to go downtown for dinner....don't fill him up with the Fruit RollUp you just slapped on your vagina! It will end up just turning into something silly and there goes the soap opera sex you were hoping for. I know they have the ones made out of hard candy....like the necklaces....but do you really want to chance him taking a bite of your banana split???? OUCH! Plus that's a candy I remember eating as a child so it just seems creepy.

If you really want some skin-e-max type action....then YOU need to take it....and if he doesn't want to play....get a divorce. Peace Out!

Suckers!!!

Blow jobs....what's the deal ladies??? Why are you against sucking a little dick (pun intended)...I get it....this day & age there are nasty cooties all over the place so no, you are not just gonna go bobbing for penis on just any man...yucky....but in a happy committed relationship why are so many women still so afraid of tongue slapping their man's mini me? You prudes are stupid....BJs have a lot of power....oh wait did you expect me to tell you how they bring you closer to your partner via increased sexual pleasure???? Well it can and that's nice and all BUT if you are smart it will get you out of nights when you don't feel like having regular intercourse and if you are lucky....a quick one in the parking lot of the local mall will score you a new pair of shoes (maybe even some perfume). They say the pen is mightier then the sword....so is knob gobbling....suck that sword hard and proud for a few minuets (well maybe longer if you haven't had much practice) and you will have more power than you ever dreamed of....ever have a man come home after a night out with the boys and he's all ready to go "whispering" all sorts of stupid crap (your boobs are like little kegs of beer...or.. you know I'm sexy lets do me) and smelling like they rolled in fried mushrooms and Jack Daniels??? Yea a fast and easy way to get him to pass out is to suck his dick.....then when he wakes up in the morning not only will he think you are amazing and understanding but he won't give you shit when you ask him to cut the grass. (Lucky me my hubby is not dumb enough to come home like that...and he still cuts the grass). What about nights when you've stayed up late watching some Lifetime movie and your man thinks it's time to get all steamy but you just wanna go to bed... blow him.....you don't even have to take off your jammies and in 3 minuets you are fast asleep my friend ...and for you not to take advantage of this is straight up helmet wearing retarded. I know some women find it gross....um....hello...I'd rather get to rinse my mouth out with some Listerine for a few seconds then have that stuff dripping down my leg for hours or wake up to find the rubber still floating in the toilet....eeewwww. Plus...if you give him a little head from time to time they are more then willing to give you some too....not that men ever seem to really need motivation for that....most men can't wait to eat out at the sushi bar....which brings me to another point.....what's with the ladies who don't like getting kitty a bath???? The one reason a normal woman would not like it is because she doesn't like the person doing it.....and sometimes that doesn't even hinder the enjoyment. Some men are not as good at it...but no man wants to be bad at it so they don't mind a little coaching....you just need to do guide them....as long as you use the sexy voice they won't get offended....slow down, speed up, higher, lower, wetter etc are all fine things to say as long as you use that lusty voice with a little moan in between....then they take mental notes of what breaks the dam so that next time they can feel like the tuna tasting king. I've heard a few prudes say they find getting oral is disgusting....really...but letting an ugly penis slam in and out of your vagina is beautiful??? I don't know about you but having my lady bits smooched by the man I love seems a lot less horrifying then having his huge ball sack slam against my asshole while he beats the hell out of my whoo ha....however it's just as enjoyable :) yea buddy....so come on you frigid bitches....go getcha some new shoes! Peace Out!

Put Away Wet.....

No one ever tells you the bad things about sex....well they do...but I'm not talking about disease or unplanned pregnancy etc...I mean the other stuff....having sex is like fighting a fire...you go busting in...hose it down...and feel like a fucking superhero when its over....but what no one tells you about is after the fire is out...you gotta clean the mess up...no fun...and for women overhaul takes a lot longer..men get to rinse off their junk in the sink and put a towel over the wet spot...women clean up for the time being and then wake up to my least favorite thing ....SPERM PANTIES....yea...wet, sticky sperm panties...I don't care how much decontamination I do....there is always a reminder of the 5 alarm I took care of the night before. Now I know there are a few ways to avoid this ....obvious one....don't have sex....but I think my husband would last a week before he died....second....use a condom...but as a married woman on birth control...that's kind of retarded and no fun...everyone knows you can't be riding dirty with your seat belt on!!!! Third method....pull out...(also known as the ding dong ditch) but we know most men are really bad at this and it only maybe works if they are on top in some way shape or form....this technique can also lead to a freshly flung scrotum shake landing in unexpected places....which is very hard to explain later....and as we all know most men have bad timing so it's just not that effective and you are better off just getting butter in the bagel.
I decided there had to be a simple solution to my unnerving underpants....so I tried using a panty liner...brilliant right?...uh not so much...I guess the semen was to thick for the liner to soak up and it ended up staying on top of the liner....and then it stuck to me like a Biore pore strip...nothing like a little hair removal first thing in the morning....so then I tried a regular pad...same sorta thing...it really didn't soak all of it up and instead it sort of acted like a funnel and I ended up with a pool of boy juice at the top of my buttcrack....FAIL.....as a last resort I tried toilet paper........paper mache much???....So I guess after all that the sperm panties are not so bad....but from time to time when I know I really just don't want to wake up to some damp delicates...I fake some cramps and give him a porno worthy BJ...problem solved. Peace Out!

Some Women Dig MinPins....Not Me..But Some...I Guess

Ok...so I had some responses to a post I did....He's Just Not That In And Out Of You....most of which were women in denial about why their men were not giving it to em like Charlie Sheen on a Wednesday night bender....listen up dumb bitches....it is what it is....and if you wanna keep fooling yourselves then fine but make sure you buy rechargeable batteries for your vibrating panties. Then I got a response from a man who had to be yanking my chain.....he said he doesn't tickle his wife's fancy very often because he's embarrassed of his tiny dick....what the fuck ever.....I don't believe any man with any type of penis would ever turn down sex from someone he desired.....so I call BULLSHIT....if for some reason this is true let me give you some advice....BANG HER....she married you small pecker and all...it is your job to prick her pin cushion as often as you can.....if it were a problem she should have said something so I'm guessing it's a non issue...and if you really just can't bring yourself to draw your sword or in your case...Swiss Army Knife then for crying out loud man use the excuse of tiny pee pee syndrome to talk her into popping the pudding hole! She won't need to sit on a bag of frozen broccoli then next day and you get to feel like big fish in a small pond for the first time in your miserable jock stuffing life. It's a win win....she may request you gobble her goulash first but hey we all do before we put on a performance. So claim your fame Tiny Penis Man...and if she says no a game of putt butt golf....put a Superman cape on and go at her vagina like a whack a mole game.....good luck and peace out!

For Better Or Worse...Way Worse

Ugh... so I was reading some article about getting married and the top reasons people want to be hitched. It was all mushy, dumb stuff....like being with someone who holds their soul and feeling true love every moment of every day blah blah blah.....do you want to know REAL reasons why being married is awesome? I got 5.....here we go:
#1 Comfort....I no longer have to wear things that cut off circulation, pinch or cause my bones to bruise .....I can wear my torn jeans and old sweats.....oh and the bra that makes the girls look amazing but cracks my ribs is now reserved for when I want something expensive. Oh and shaving...my legs can look like an alpaca and he's still willing to spoon with me.
#2 Honesty....I don't have to pretend all the jokes are funny or that all his family is wonderful....now I can be like...Hey your bitch sister isn't coming for Christmas! It's so much easier to be a loving wife when I don't waste energy being nice to the in-laws.
#3 Eating....ok this is not really an issue for me after the first date....if I can't eat chicken wings and drink several beers in front of someone then they just can't be in my life....but I know lots of dumb bitches that refuse to eat messy foods in front of men....wtf you can wrap your mouth around his dick but you won't eat some chili dogs....get some therapy!
#4 Health....I can fart....
And the fifth reason why being hitched is better than dating is.....Sex....no not because it gets better after marriage...but because I no longer have to bring my A game to every match....I can be lazy or I can leave a few tricks in the bag.....let's face it after a long day and a big meal we don't always want to be a full on porn star....sometimes it's just a get on, get off, get some sleep sort of night......which by the way just makes the nights when you do go all the way to Freaky Town that much sweeter.
So....now that you know some real...day to day reasons why being married is great...the one question you need to ask yourself is.....will you be able to ask for toilet paper while dropping a deuce....I know have no problem..I leave the door wide open and yell....Help or I'm using your socks! It may not be romantic but he still wants to shag me later so I know it's love. Peace out!

He's Just Not That In & Out Of You

Husbands always want sex....always...always....like all the time....anywhere...tired or not, hungry or full, set on fire or drowning in the deep end....so to the few of you ladies out there who are having trouble getting your husband into the sack there are only 4 reasons he's not boxing your glove. You should know that it does not matter if you are awesome at sex or not...if you are awake and willing that's enough....sometimes you don't even really need to be awake...just aware enough to say "just hurry up"...he will do all the work after that....so....here it is...and it's not nice...but let's just get honest here....
Reason number 1...his dick doesn't work....he may need the little blue pill and is a fucking dumbass who is too embarrassed and wont go get it from the doc.
Reason number 2.....he's cheating on you....now this is only true if he's in love with his girlfriend and does not want to cheat on her with you...twisted right??? If it's just side pussy he will still fuck you but most likely only in the morning....there will no longer be afternoon cha cha cuz he's in the back of your minivan spanking the nanny.
Reason number 3...he's gay....
Reason number 4.....your clam has sat in the sun too long....he may wish to moo shoo your pork but the thought of your smelly old egg salad just makes him sick......and he certainly isn't going downtown for dinner if your takeout is nasty.
So....what to do???? Go the gyno and make sure your vag is ok...then buy some soap....if that isn't it...check his porn....you can tell a lot about what they like by porn they view....if there is boys in bowties you are barking up the wrong cock.....if its all tits then hack his blackberry.....Jerry from the gym is really Maria from the beauty salon and she's definitely teasing his pubes. No mistress???? His hose wont spray....he needs you to just come out and say HEY FIX YOUR SHIT..if he is worried and being a big baby etc maybe promise him some butt sex...he will be at the doctor first thing in the morning. Hope this helps....if not....get a dildo...Peace Out.

Read If You Can't Get Any!

(huff)....I am so over hearing from my single girlfriends about how they can't get laid.....shut up...if you have a vagina....you can get sex. The problem with these chicks is they really want more than a shag...or...they are to picky about who they want to roll around with. If you honestly just need to get down and boogie then I tell you my friends it's possible....but stop being a retard....Don't expect the sexiest man alive to be out and about on the exact same night you feel like dropping your panties. Don't expect this guy to be single. Don't talk to much....stupid stupid stupid....all they want is enough chit chat to make sure you are on the same page...page 69 they don't care why you are out or how your cat is...or even your last name...and for the love of flavored condoms do not talk about your ex! Now...to catch a one night bed buddy...dress the part.....no super vampy outfit...they will assume you are out of the question....however...not to casual either....nice jeans and cute top....shoes...well roll with whatever you want just nothing to masculine....it freaks them out. DON'T BE FRUMPY.....no one wants to bang the frump girl....yuck.
Now that you have picked out a guy to get crazy with....here are some rules....never go to your place....you don't want them knowing where you live or worse....wanting to use your shower in the morning...gross. When you walk in the door....stop speaking all together.....you might bore them to death and they will fall asleep...most likely he's had a few drinks....so stop drinking too or you will have to deal with whiskey dick....no fun. DO NOT give him a blow job.....if he blows his load there is no need for him to try and please you....so just knock him down and hop on. Do not look around his place and try to figure out what kind of guy he is...that is not why you are there....get yours and go! Don't have any after talk other than “call me a cab” and “I know I was awesome...shut up”.
Most of you ladies out there lie....the I just want sex line is bull...you want a man...and you try to turn a one nighter into a relationship and then get your feelings hurt....make sure you are ready for a relationship....meaning the thought of your exes don't send you into panic attacks or tears....you are not still married...and you are comfortable with yourself alone until you find the right guy.
I know....I have been in your shoes before...more than once...so learn from my mistakes. There is no Mr. Perfect....just Mr. Perfect For You. Your ideas of what you want are probly not what you need so do some thinking.....and while you are at it...look in the mirror.....are you really girlfriend material???? Last but not least stop asking me what is wrong with you....because from now on...I am going to tell you. Have a great day....be safe and text me all the details of your scandalous adventures the next morning.....

Vagina On The Rocks

I think it's funny when people don't like to use certain words....Like VAGINA....it cracks me up that they are so uncomfortable with it. Don't get me wrong I like nick names too...whoo hah, clam and furry burger are all great but sometimes they just don't have the same feel as VAGINA. Let's face it a vagina is something everyone likes....I like mine.....I like having it I like using it and it gives me a feeling of power (however wrong that may be lol). My husband likes my vagina even more than I do!!!!! So unless you are a gay man everyone else loves vaginas too....so why are so many people weird about it? I think vagina should be a paint color....your husband asks you what color he should paint the kid's playhouse....Oh I don't know, vagina pink would be nice. Or what color do you want your engagement cake to be....a lovely shade of vagina would soooo go with all the centerpieces!
Vagina should also be the name of a popular adult beverage......(ok here is where you find out why I need a job, I think of weird stuff all the time)....here is the scenario for the drink:

A lonely pilot (I had to use a pilot so my buddy would appreciate this story) just got home from a long flight on a Friday night....he's walking around town trying to not go home to his boring empty apartment....he passes a bar he realizes he's never been in so he takes a peek in threw the window...It's charming and quiet...wood floors, old fashioned bar, a few dart boards and the hottest bartender he's ever seen. He takes a deep breath and goes inside...there's a few guys at the bar but a nice open spot at the end....he walks up and takes a look at her....he can hardly contain his erection...she's about 5"7 long gorgeous hair, lush full lips, huge amazing boobs and those sexy smokey fuck me eyes....she sees him and smiles, he tries not to look like an asshole so he nods....she walks over and asks him what he wants and then winks at him...he orders a sweet wet vagina....she bites her lip and proceeds to mix his drink...she asks him...do you want to put anything into it?...he says oh yes..so she drops in two maraschino cherries and smiles....then she leans her breasts into the bar and slowly starts to push the vagina towards him and says....that's $35.00....the pilot all of sudden jumps back and yells $35.00!!!! I can make one at home for free!!! The bartender yells back....this is top shelf motherfucker! Go ahead home and enjoy your cheap shit alone! He then realizes she's right....enjoying a self made vagina by yourself is not the same as going out and getting a good one from a pro...he drops to his knees and begs....I'm sorry...I was stupid I really want your vagina! She tells him to go and stop wasting her time. He leaves...he looks back in the window and sees another man licking the sweet sugar off the rim of what was suppose to be his perfect vagina...he walks home almost in tears down the cold dark road and realizes.....a good vagina is priceless.

See...told ya I need a job...lol Don't forget to tip your waitresses!

We've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All!

I don't know how to lightly approach this subject so I guess I will just dive right on in...there is no secret that I have been married 3 times....I have a few kids...watched a few pornos and have HBO....I have seen a few sets of balls in my time. Let me tell you a big giant sack is worth looking for....and very hard to find...my current hubby (that sounds awful) has a damn set of catchers mitts between his legs....just the most giant testicles I have ever friggen seen....and at first they freaked me the fuck out....just from pure shock....now that I have had some one on one time with them...they are the best thing ever....I just love them! Giant balls have some really nice advantages too.... it's kinda like upgrades for a car....a basic model works just fine but if you can get a few extras...you enjoy it more...so...first on the list is...massive cojones are more durable...yep they can take much more aggression...so a little too much tooth or a squeeze that is too tight a pull that's a bit rough here and there does end a good spanking session. Second...when your man is in....uh...full swing....so are his jolly knockers...I like to call it the pleasure pat....it's most effective during doggie style however a little ass pat during missionary is nice too....mmmmmmm mommy like. Third...well let's face it...bragging rights....now I know there are still a few classy girls left out there that do not discuss such matters...however...ya'll are few and far between and the rest of us discuss our mans junk and his ability to use it....and if we are really good friends we don't lie about it either. Nothing is better than being able to smile proudly and say my husband has some huge ass jungle berries and fat dick to go with them....own up to it ladies...we all want to be tore up and pleasured till we pass out and not all men can do that....and a man with a large gift bag has a major advantage....plus it's straight up cool when your guy is sitting there with a giant bulge in his pants and all the other chicks see that it's just dying to sprawl out and be let loose from it's confines of jeans and jockey shorts.... and in our head we are all like ha ha bitches...that's what I'm playing with tonight!!!!! As nice women we all like to make up for what our guys lack with little sayings like....he can go forever or....his hands are like magic....that all means he has a smaller set of frank and beans that we would have liked and he has no idea how to use them...it's sorta tragic how we feel that we need to say such things...and it's stressful trying to think of them. SO.....all in all if you are a single gal on the prowl for a man...make sure his steak and eggs are enough to satisfy your sexual appetite or you will be tempted to check out a different menu....and no love is not enough.....love is a very very large part of what makes a relationship tick...however...if his skills in the bedroom suck and you find yourself telling your mate to go drinking with his buddies so you can stay home with a bottle of wine and a vibrator....that love will turn to annoyance and you will be apartment searching within the year. Here are some tips to help with the choosing of a partner....If he has small soft hands...chances are he has a small soft dick...run away. If he is not really into giving oral pleasures....it means he has already found out that he is bad at it....run away. If he cannot refer to his penis as a cock, dick or shaft.....and uses words like ding dong or thingy....he has no idea how to use his unmentioned penis and never will....run away. If he pulls down his pants and you don't immediately think DAMN....you never will and will soon find Chinese food and cake batter more satisfying....run away. I know we would all like to think we are nice girls and it's not all about size....but it is.... face it we don't want to feel like we are giving head to a toothpick or getting banged by a thermometer.....and if a guy has no idea how to please a lady by the time he's 20...it will never ever happen....you can't teach an old dog new tricks....especially one with a skinny willy and chili beans for nuts.
Oh...and we as women need to stop lying to men and telling them they have big turbo diesels in their pants when they don't....because then they get all cocky (ha ha get it) and want to use it all the time...then we gotta fake orgasms and pretend we have headaches etc....it's just more trouble than it's worth...if the asshole asks what you think of his tennis equipment he's trying to sell you just tell him that you need to test it out before you can purchase the product....if after a few games you are not impressed....tell him to find a chick that's 4'9 and pack it up ...life goes on.
Peace out my friends...I hope tonight you get ravaged till you are unable to walk....and if you don't I hope you have a chocolate cake in the fridge....

My Advice To The Middle Aged Women Who Date....

Ladies....if I can even call you that....dating for dinner is no longer acceptable...maybe back in the 40's but not today....you can not as a single woman go out to eat with a single man and have nice conversation and some drinks and then just say peace out. It no longer works like that. Old friends are a maybe but not with new people or ex lovers.....now I'm not saying it's right that they expect a BJ or handjob for some wings and a margarita but a little heavy petting is implied especially if you are the one initiating the dinner. This day and age everyone is so sexed up that dinner is code for fellatio so if you are not prepared to ruin the knees of your new skinny jeans then stay the fuck home and watch The Notebook and order a pizza. You also can not ask a guy over to watch movies and not round 3rd base....and don't be a fridged bitch and say ahead of time something like....just so you know nothing is going to happen tonight....what are they gonna say....well piss on you I'm not coming over unless I get some nipple in my mouth. If you need company call a girlfriend to come over...if you need a boyfriend then throw go find one....don't use some poor schmuck to keep you occupied.....I'm sorry you are one kitten away from being the neighborhood cat lady but....it's pretty much like being a tease....and we all know how I feel about that....put out or stay home. This isn't high school....the days of being home by 10 and untouched are over. I'm not a fan of sluts but they don't screw with peoples minds.....they just screw.

STOP FINDING DATES ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!! If you sit home at night scouring Friend Finder, MySpace and Craigslist for a date....you are a loser....and will most likely end up raped, mugged or dead. If you can not saunter up to a guy and say hello...then how are able to give them your name and meet them for "dinner".....don't give me the bullshit about getting to know them...you can do that in person....when you meet them after you have said hello. Get off of your couch, put your vibe away and go meet people. I know sometimes it's hard and you have hit a rough spot in life and you don't feel like you have the magic anymore.....get over it....finding a loser that lives above his aunt's garage and looks for sex on the internet is really not a step in the right direction....put your spanx and heels on and go hunting....there are a million places to find men....I suggest Home Depot at around 8pm....that means they have a job...otherwise they would be there during the day and it means they have drive.....both very good things....but be careful if he's in the garden section....that might mean gay....look to see if he does the hand on the hip thing.....
Well....better go....I need to update the security settings on my FB....some old serial killer looking assfuck just sent me a friend request...Peace out!

Jekyll & Hubby

Question. ...do you have an alter ego in the bedroom? I don't.....unless I've had some tequila...but that can go from superfreak to puking in the bathtub real quick so it's not worth working with....however my hubby has one....he's like the Hulk....if I get him all reved up it's like he disappears....and this other more aggressive, testosterone filled, adrenaline fueled caveman appears....I have named him Tim.....why Tim...that's an entirely different post.....but Tim does not do gentle or romance....Tim does the yank your hair, throw you around and bang you till your ovaries come out of your mouth kind of stuff. I'm not complaining ....it's really delicious stuff....however...I'm not always aware that Tim is in the room and I get caught off guard....its important that I take safety precautions if he's there...the other night Tim woke me up for some organ grinding and decided to flip me over....well me not realizing this was about to happen I didn't brace myself and I almost broke my knee.....it twisted the wrong way and I didn't stick the landing.....I yelped out in pain like a chihuahua but Tim didn't even notice...he just kept on busying himself....no worries I'm ok....just had to ice it for a few days.....and the end result of it all was more then delightful....
I remember the first time I met Tim....he scared the hell out of me....there's a look in the eye....and a bit of a growl....I felt like a rabbit that just realized it was being hunted....I almost ran away...in fact I started to scoot across the bed wondering what was going on.....and quickly realized it was over he was up in my...uh....face.....before I could even think of what to do.....it was that night I learned the difference between getting some and getting ravaged.....and Momma liked it. The only slight down side is that I bruise easily...so it's not hard to tell when I have been bounced around a few times.....well and one time I pulled a muscle.....and that time I jammed my toe....but those are small prices to pay to the sex gods for lusty carnal love. I don't know exactly what unleashes the inner beast but I'm glad I can do it.....my front door is not so happy with it....it creeks a little now....but hey with an ass like mine it's lucky that it's still in tact. Well better go....I need to restock my night table...gotta have plenty of water, a fresh towel and an two ice packs...one for whatever limb I damaged and one for my freshly buttered muffin. Peace out!