Thursday, May 31, 2012

Price Check! Oh...Hell No!

Whoever invented endcaps by the register is an asshole. It is impossible to sound like a good mom while waiting in the checkout....No don't open that, Put that down, We have candy at home....etc etc. By the time I get to the register I've lost all my patience and I'm yelling at the poor cashier....I don't give a rat's ass if it's paper or plastic just get me the fuck out of here! As the barely trained teenager is trying to hurry it up I notice my devil spawn have tossed in 5 cans of tuna into the cart and a random beach towel but I don't want to slow down the process of getting out of the shit hole that is WalMart so I just let her keep ringing the stuff up. Then you gotta do one more check to make sure the children didn't nab a lip gloss or something and then I make a mad dash for the door like the place is on fire.... Heaven forbid someone call me while I'm at the store.....I won't be in a good mood....and it won't go well. Oh, I'm sorry to hear you have gall stones....but I'm at WalMart so your problems are meaningless. I think WalMart should just start serving shots of Patron...I think I could handle the madness if I had a good then the kids might have a chance of getting some candy from the endcap. I would need to take a little nap in the back of my mini van before I went home....but the kids could watch a DVD so it's all good right???? Well...gotta run...we ran out of Pop Tarts (one of my specialties) and toothpaste so....It's off to the store I go. Wish me luck! Peace Out!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Lost My Appetite...

So....I have a friend who writes this pretty rockin' blog, Bubble Gum On My Shoe. Her writing always pisses me off because it's grammar issues, the spelling is correct, and she is actually interesting. She had this hilarious post awhile back about Dogtopus Soup....yea you read that correctly.
It was a hit and we joked around for some time about how we couldn't find a more disgusting dish if we wanted to. Well guess what.....I stumbled onto one this morning. Yep....just when I thought the food nightmares were behind me I found TURTLE BURGERS!
Oh my hell....who in their right mind would make these??????? You are seriously several forms of nutjob if you do. Don't get me wrong. I have a crazy sense of humor. I do odd shit all the time....but creepy food (that would require my children get mental help) is not one of them! I would feel like some sprouting serial killer if I made these...let alone forced my family to chomp down on one. Bleh. I think I will stick to burning Pop Tarts and ordering pizza.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Chores Make Me Buggy

Well...I'm pretty sure I need to start buying lotto tickets....I need funds to pay for a maid....preferably a hot male maid that looks killer in a pair of Levis and a wife beater...why do I need this maid???? because it has been proven once AGAIN that I am not meant to do housework. The weather has been exceptional lately and so I decided to start hanging my laundry on the line again. I usually don't mind doing wastes neighbors think I'm sorta domestic and it gets me outside and off my usual place on the couch. So I wash a nice big load of towels....drag them up from the basement and out to the backyard....I grab my first clothespin and HOLY MOTHER FUCKER!!!! A friggen spider crawls out from the pin and across my hand! I yelled several somewhat understandable obscenities (son of a cock mun...geez a fuck....crap crap crap uh fuckball!) while running in a circle like an idiot and tossing the clothes pin into the neighbors yard.....WINNING!!!! After a few moments I regained my composure and tried it that one had a spider web in did the next several...I decided to just dump the bag of pins on the ground and what looked like a million spiders (for real it was like 13 but anything over 2 is a million when talking about spiders) went scurrying away. I puked a little. Then I got myself a gin and tonic. This was not going to be my day of domestic divaness and I was all out of fucks to give for the day. Later I found the courage (pretty sure it was the cheap ass gin I'm so fond of) and picked up my pins but now....yet another chore will require booze or some form of anti psychotic. Wish me luck. Peace Out!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I will find any excuse to not do the dishes....

I like to purchase a certain brand of dish sponges....they are spongy on one side and sorta scruffy on the other...they are usually very colorful and have some hippy looking pattern on them. I was stoked when I found a 3 pack on sale......woot woot (I'm sorta cheap). I opened up my pack...put one by the dishes and the other two under the sink. I noticed that they were purple, pink and white....pretty right? Till I started to wash dishes and instead of the usual flower designs it was a pic of of three women....CREEPY! I felt I was sticking their heads under the water and smashing their faces up against my dirty dishes. I get's just a sponge but it weirded me out and damn it I have 3 of them! Doing the dishes is now going to give me an ulcer... I guess I could imagine that these women on the sponges are evil and deserve the torture....terrorists or something. I can see it now I will be screaming at the sponge, Tell me what you know!! Nothing?? Fine...Into the water you go!. Why don't I just buy new ones??? I told you....I'm cheap. So till my creepy lady sponges are dead I will just be a little eccentric while doing the dishes. I'm little weird anyway... Peace Out.