Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Quick Like A Bunny

Ok...am I really the only woman out there that is not into having marathon sex??? I read all these articles and hear all the talk about chicks that need all sorts of time in bed....and then there is me...I don't mind the whole fooling around part with the kissing and teasing and playing but when it comes to doing the deed I am all about hitting it hard and fast then going to bed. I don't understand wanting to ride the pogo stick for long amounts of time....are you not afraid of getting a calloused vagina???? lol Maybe it's just that my hubby knows how to work it out....between the motion of his juicy Italian sausage and his mammoth jingle bells slapping all the right spots of my Christmas cookie....maybe I just don't need the effort other people do to get off....plus I know how to work my vagina too....a little squeezy squeezy here a shift to the left and it's BOOM SHAKE SHAKE THE ROOM...nails come out like a cat...names are getting yelled out and a nice sticky mess is just awaiting for my leg when I go to sleep to remind me of what a damn good time I just had....
I think boinking spree's are more for people without children.....it's all good when you don't have to sneak in a game of ring around the rosey during nap time or an eight second bull ride before the second feeding in the middle of the night..heaven forbid the kids are awake and you're in the closet trying not to bruise a hip against the shoe rack.... then trying to explain to your teen how you got a "toothpaste" stain on the back of your t-shirt and Daddy can't find his belt that he lost while trying to change a light bulb....then they look at you like your a giant fucking pervert and ask to go see a therapist....next thing you know your yelling that Momma has needs and if you damn kids were not so stressful I wouldn't need to have a release like that in the middle of the day!!! ...lol jk that last part hasn't happened yet...ha ha ha....anyways... it's not that I don't like the act of sex I just like to get to the good stuff....I also think maybe my tunnel of love might be more sensitive then others....cuz when it's good...it's soooooo good and when it's bad (like in the case of a few exes) it's really really bad and I don't want to even be there...and I start getting bitchy and wish I could go watch a movie..... we all know how I feel about being with someone who sucks between the sheets.....it's only a matter of time before their jokes get old and the batteries die in the vibrator and a new more interesting penis comes along....but that's another story....
I think maybe if I didn't have to worry about kids and if I could get some sleep.... I would hang in for a few more rounds....but with the life we lead I fully believe the quickie was invented for me. I mean how else are you going to get it done during half time of a Gator game???? Maybe when I'm 60 and the kids are all gone I can work on my stamina or learn tantra techniques or something but for now it's Hit Me With Your Best Shot....Well...gotta go...all the kids are either busy or sleeping...gonna go rub one out for my hubby :) Peace out!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Poop...not just a funny word

Holy cow...for about an hour today I could not believe my damn bad luck...now that I have had a moment to reflect it's sorta funny and I thought I'd share it with ya'll....so...my hubby just walks out the door and the baby wakes up to eat....no worries I have a bottle ready and a talk show on and for a very brief moment the toddler is occupied...I start feeding my new little addition and all of a sudden I get diarrhea...I have no time no warning...nothing....I had to jump up and race to the potty while holding my newborn and bottle....by some crazy miracle I was able to wriggle my pants down and get my butt on the toilet in time for all hell to come flying out of my ass!!!!!! However there I was on the bowl holding a now crying newborn and wondering if I was going to die....I called for my toddler to come and asked her if she could get Mommy the car seat...she ran off and I wondered if she would even return....now in tears I picture her in her older sisters room applying makeup and coloring on the walls...I didn't know what to do and just sat there and resumed feeding my newborn and burping her...this was a most tragic scene....then all of a sudden I hear my toddler coming and dragging something she's yelling "I got it Momma I got it"....holy moly she had the car seat! I told her she was awesome and thanked her....she quickly went into my room yelling "oooohhhh no Momma is yucky!"....well yea....it was not pleasant....but I really didn't need the insult to injury at the moment....but hey..she's just a little kid. I get the baby in the seat and am able to finish my business and light a match.....wash my hands and return to my spot on the couch with my girls. Whew...or so I thought...at that second my toddler decides to pinch me and yell something about me being stupid....hmmmm.....I glance at the clock and realize it's nap time so I decide not to get to offended and get her into bed....now once again I resume my spot on the sofa and try to feed my infant...thinking some nice quiet time just us will be nice....oh...but no...she shits her pants now...the kind that comes out the side of the diaper and onto my arm....fucking awesome!!!! We go and get all cleaned up and as I am about to close her new diaper she decides to pee all over the place....it's on her legs and her belly and now on my bed too....sweet....I just start laughing...I'm like really....now what...is my hair going to start on fire too???? I take her to the sink and rinse her off...get her diapered and try one last time for that spot on my couch....ahhhh...finally I get to feed her...burp her and get her to sleep....I need a shower and a glass of wine....but...alas I hear my toddler starting to stir so maybe next year for that....lol. Hope ya'll have a great day...or at least one with normal bowel movements. Peace out.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Feeling fine...well not really...

Ok soooo....today I got to go back to the Ob/Gyn....I'm so lucky....and they did the usual...check my weight, have me pee in a tiny little cup, blood pressure etc....then I'm explaining to my doc this pain I have every time the baby moves....she's never heard of this actual complaint...awesome she's delivered like 1,000 babies and has never heard of this....that makes me realize that I'm either insane or something is really wrong....but her hypothesis is that my uterus is just so damn big that my insides can no longer take the irritation and I am just stretched to the max....which makes sense to me cuz my big girl underpants are going through the same damn thing...I have actually cut the elastic off of them and they are now just a flimsy barrier between me and my jeans....sigh...how the mighty have fallen...years ago when I met my hubby...I had barely there underwear...but um...they were lace and meant to drive him wild....now they are big cotton grannies and they scare the crap out of him....so tragic. Anyways....my OB asks if I want my cervix checked...and like an idiot I say yes...hoping to hear that I am ready to have this baby....well...all of sudden I feel this god awful pain...and I start yelling and crying and I almost levitate trying to get away...my husband has to run over and help hold me in place....my little sprite of a doc proceeds to tell me that I was dilated to 1 and she's is pushing it open to 2...and then she says she is also stripping my membranes to help it along because my girl bits are ready.....um....could you have bought me a drink first...wtf....no one should have to go through that without a shot of some sort...either a sedative or a cold tequila shooter....needless to say that friggen blew ass. So..I go home and wonder what will this do....I get on all sorts of blogs to see what other preggos say and I am shocked....some say they had their baby just hours after and some said days....all of this is fine until I read that some of these crazy bitches went home after and had sex to help speed up the process....really...are fucking kidding me....I know semen has this stuff to help the cervix soften up....blah blah blah...but damn after what I went through there is no way in hell I'm going to get it on. My vagina is so tender that if I breathe to hard it makes me cry...my stomach is having this never ending menstrual like cramp that is just unbelievable and feels like it's pressing down on what I thought was a baby but now feels like a giant mechanical porcupine.....yea that soooo makes me want throw my ass in the air and get freaky.....then some other neurotic baby oven said she went home and proceeded to walk briskly around the neighborhood to help speed things along....um...seriously...you went for a brisk walk....I have not been able to do anything at a brisk pace for at least 5 months...this bitch has got to be lying...or on crack...which by the way is not good for the baby...so her little bundle of joy may come out a bit faster than mine but at least mine wont be a cyclops with 3 ears.....she even admitted that she cramped the whole time...then sit the fuck down you retard!!!!!! Hell even if I decided I wanted to go for a walk it couldn't happen....first of all I can't get my swollen ass feet into my tennis shoes...(yes I own shoes)....second...I can't bend over enough to tie my shoes....so I think Miss Walk Briskly is full of shit. I know I was all about shaking my daughter lose....and was doing squats etc...that was before I was in pain...how did I forget what bullshit this was????? I think they should just give me the epidural now...even if it takes days to pop...this whole feeling like I'm being chewed on from the inside out is not my idea of a good time....it's like those fricken horror films where some little pod thing gets in your body and starts growing and then tares you open and slithers away and you lay there with your intestines all over the ground and face broken in half and you bleed to death....so...now for all of you who have not had children yet....just remember....it's awful and I suggest not doing it....and if you do...don't say I didn't warn you....not only does it hurt...but it ruins your boobs...there is nothing positive to come of this...except the sweet little baby that will keep you from sleeping for a year and will most likely turn into a teenager...get their bellybutton pierced and run off with some guy on a motorcycle.....or maybe just maybe....they will be the apple of your eye and make you know love like you never imagined....right now...the way I feel...it's the first option..well...gotta go...I need to roll myself to the bathroom and pee....then maybe pass out for the night on the bathroom floor...just like the good old days before kids. Peace out.