Feeling fine...well not really...

Ok soooo....today I got to go back to the Ob/Gyn....I'm so lucky....and they did the usual...check my weight, have me pee in a tiny little cup, blood pressure etc....then I'm explaining to my doc this pain I have every time the baby moves....she's never heard of this actual complaint...awesome she's delivered like 1,000 babies and has never heard of this....that makes me realize that I'm either insane or something is really wrong....but her hypothesis is that my uterus is just so damn big that my insides can no longer take the irritation and I am just stretched to the max....which makes sense to me cuz my big girl underpants are going through the same damn thing...I have actually cut the elastic off of them and they are now just a flimsy barrier between me and my jeans....sigh...how the mighty have fallen...years ago when I met my hubby...I had barely there underwear...but um...they were lace and meant to drive him wild....now they are big cotton grannies and they scare the crap out of him....so tragic. Anyways....my OB asks if I want my cervix checked...and like an idiot I say yes...hoping to hear that I am ready to have this baby....well...all of sudden I feel this god awful pain...and I start yelling and crying and I almost levitate trying to get away...my husband has to run over and help hold me in place....my little sprite of a doc proceeds to tell me that I was dilated to 1 and she's is pushing it open to 2...and then she says she is also stripping my membranes to help it along because my girl bits are ready.....um....could you have bought me a drink first...wtf....no one should have to go through that without a shot of some sort...either a sedative or a cold tequila shooter....needless to say that friggen blew ass. So..I go home and wonder what will this do....I get on all sorts of blogs to see what other preggos say and I am shocked....some say they had their baby just hours after and some said days....all of this is fine until I read that some of these crazy bitches went home after and had sex to help speed up the process....really...are fucking kidding me....I know semen has this stuff to help the cervix soften up....blah blah blah...but damn after what I went through there is no way in hell I'm going to get it on. My vagina is so tender that if I breathe to hard it makes me cry...my stomach is having this never ending menstrual like cramp that is just unbelievable and feels like it's pressing down on what I thought was a baby but now feels like a giant mechanical porcupine.....yea that soooo makes me want throw my ass in the air and get freaky.....then some other neurotic baby oven said she went home and proceeded to walk briskly around the neighborhood to help speed things along....um...seriously...you went for a brisk walk....I have not been able to do anything at a brisk pace for at least 5 months...this bitch has got to be lying...or on crack...which by the way is not good for the baby...so her little bundle of joy may come out a bit faster than mine but at least mine wont be a cyclops with 3 ears.....she even admitted that she cramped the whole time...then sit the fuck down you retard!!!!!! Hell even if I decided I wanted to go for a walk it couldn't happen....first of all I can't get my swollen ass feet into my tennis shoes...(yes I own shoes)....second...I can't bend over enough to tie my shoes....so I think Miss Walk Briskly is full of shit. I know I was all about shaking my daughter lose....and was doing squats etc...that was before I was in pain...how did I forget what bullshit this was????? I think they should just give me the epidural now...even if it takes days to pop...this whole feeling like I'm being chewed on from the inside out is not my idea of a good time....it's like those fricken horror films where some little pod thing gets in your body and starts growing and then tares you open and slithers away and you lay there with your intestines all over the ground and face broken in half and you bleed to death....so...now for all of you who have not had children yet....just remember....it's awful and I suggest not doing it....and if you do...don't say I didn't warn you....not only does it hurt...but it ruins your boobs...there is nothing positive to come of this...except the sweet little baby that will keep you from sleeping for a year and will most likely turn into a teenager...get their bellybutton pierced and run off with some guy on a motorcycle.....or maybe just maybe....they will be the apple of your eye and make you know love like you never imagined....right now...the way I feel...it's the first option..well...gotta go...I need to roll myself to the bathroom and pee....then maybe pass out for the night on the bathroom floor...just like the good old days before kids. Peace out.