Monday, November 22, 2010

He's Just Not That In & Out Of You

Husbands always want all the time....anywhere...tired or not, hungry or full, set on fire or drowning in the deep to the few of you ladies out there who are having trouble getting your husband into the sack there are only 4 reasons he's not boxing your glove. You should know that it does not matter if you are awesome at sex or not...if you are awake and willing that's enough....sometimes you don't even really need to be awake...just aware enough to say "just hurry up"...he will do all the work after it is...and it's not nice...but let's just get honest here....
Reason number 1...his dick doesn't work....he may need the little blue pill and is a fucking dumbass who is too embarrassed and wont go get it from the doc.
Reason number 2.....he's cheating on this is only true if he's in love with his girlfriend and does not want to cheat on her with you...twisted right??? If it's just side pussy he will still fuck you but most likely only in the morning....there will no longer be afternoon cha cha cuz he's in the back of your minivan spanking the nanny.
Reason number 3...he's gay....
Reason number 4.....your clam has sat in the sun too long....he may wish to moo shoo your pork but the thought of your smelly old egg salad just makes him sick......and he certainly isn't going downtown for dinner if your takeout is nasty.
So....what to do???? Go the gyno and make sure your vag is ok...then buy some soap....if that isn't it...check his can tell a lot about what they like by porn they view....if there is boys in bowties you are barking up the wrong cock.....if its all tits then hack his blackberry.....Jerry from the gym is really Maria from the beauty salon and she's definitely teasing his pubes. No mistress???? His hose wont spray....he needs you to just come out and say HEY FIX YOUR SHIT..if he is worried and being a big baby etc maybe promise him some butt sex...he will be at the doctor first thing in the morning. Hope this helps....if not....get a dildo...Peace Out.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Pee-ter Pants

I don't care how many of those vagina squeezy exercise things I do...I can't not piss myself when I barf. This is how my hubby knows that I will never suffer from bulimia. I'm pretty sure after a certain amount of babies sitting on and stretching out all my plumbing that I will never be normal again. You know what else is not normal???? My boobies.....they are all fucked up perky adorable little cupcakes....nooooooo.....more like old worn out gym socks....its so not fair....boob milk is suppose to be awesome for your children and so here I gave in with my second child and endured chapped, bloody nipples and not so fun teething time...don't forget all the pervs that tried to sneak a peek when I was in public....and what did I get in return?????? UGLY ALIEN TITS! After all of that work Mother Nature should have given me the rack of god damn porn
You know what really jacks my balls??? All these stupid daytime talk shows with some asshole saying stuff like...just because you are a mom doesn't mean you have to be frumpy.....listen here fruitcake....yes it least for those of us without nanny backup or maids.....I don't even get a chance to shower everyday much less shop to find some super cute blouse for my baby to puke all over. Did you know I was driving for 5 miles today before I realized I had poop on my sleeve???? Yea....that's right poop...not just a little random ball of whipped peanut butter kind of poop.....yea...and I had just used my last travel wipe on the baby so...I got to run around smelling like damn homeless person all afternoon. Good times. Then they daytime givers of lame and bullshit advice hit us with makeup and hair don't remember the last time I even brushed my hair...what is the's going to have mac n cheese in it within an hour and it's up in a bun at all times anyway...stupid bitch if I had time to do hair and makeup everyday I would probably just do the mountain of laundry lurking in the corner or the never ending dishes....nah...let's be real....I wouldn't...I would pass the hell out....I haven't slept normal in like 257 years....I take every chance I get to snooze. I fell asleep the other day waiting in the car for my worries....I was in park....but I felt stupid when I woke myself up by snoring.....oh well...could have been time I fell asleep during a LeAnn Rimes concert on New Years Eve....yea...had a all dressed up....thousands of people cheering and I'm fast friend (who had no kids) was not really pleased.....oh with kids is an adventure....just not a glamorous one....So till all of the children are in college I will rock my sweats and slippers and pray to God that I don't smell something that makes me puke. Peace out!