OMG!

O is for Oh Shit! Mom's have millions of Oh Shit moments...it starts when the plus sign appears on the pregnancy test. Happy or not you know your life is about to change. The next is the first time you hear the heartbeat, you feel a kick and then that first major contraction....when you realize your uterus is about to ripped out and pulled out of your ass....but that quickly fades when your sweet baby's shoulders are trying to squeeze out of your now ruined vagina. After that there are bagillions of amazing moments....and they more then make up for the Oh Shits...but...don't ever be fooled into thinking they don't keep coming. The first god awful poop blowout in the middle of Target...the turd is just ALL over and the next thing you know you have taken up and entire aisle of the baby section....blankets everywhere....piles of the now to be burnt clothes, diapers and wipes....you have used every wipe you brought and every kleenex in you purse so you grab a pack of wipes off the shelf....you notice some asshole is staring at you and gasping in horror....you hear yourself shouting "What? You never shit?!". Total nightmare. You also want to flee but realize you don't want to leave the house for a few days so you continue to shop anyways.

Next major Oh Shit is when the creepy guy tries to watch you breastfeeding while you are at the restaurant and instead of just flipping him off you launch a fork at his head....oops.

Then there is the first time they say a bad word (asshole) and you KNOW it's because they hear you screaming it at other drivers in the mini van.

The Oh Shits keep going....they set fires, break things, start dating etc etc etc.....but there is an invention to help you cope with the Oh Shits....it's called....boxed wine. I DO NOT recommend you drink it while pregnant or breastfeeding.....in fact it' why my last baby was formula fed instead of boob ;)

Good Luck to all you parents out there....we need all the understanding and support we can get. I better go...I need to find the ice packs, wine glasses and my lawyers number....I like to be prepared for whatever upcoming Oh Shit is coming. Peace Out!

Just Dance....

J is for Jazz Hands. Am I the only middle aged momma who dances in her mini van? I don't see other people rolling their windows down and jamming to Maroon 5 as hard as I do. Granted while driving I only sing but if I'm at a stoplight....I'm gonna bring it. I am pretty sure it's just cuz I'm a bad mother fucker and everyone else wants to be me....but I have been told by a few family members that I am just off my rocker. They can suck it...I have fun...and since I spend by day filling sippy cups and trying to keep crayon off the walls (which BTW is a futile task) the only time I get to bust a move is in my vehicle. I certainly am to old for clubbing...plus early 20ish people in bars annoy the hell out of me...too many OMGs and STDs roaming around. Yuck.

So....until my days in an old folks home where we can do the hokey pokey at noon right before bingo....I guess I will keep raising the roof in my mom mobile. And...until the other drivers learn how to merge correctly...I will not be keeping my spirit finger to myself ;) Well..gotta go...I need to run to Target for some PullUps...time to release my inner Lady Gaga. Peace Out!

We Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

So my teen is having a birthday in a few days and I've been running around buying her stuff and hiding it...keeping the smaller kids from finding it etc. I'm sitting here trying to figure out time to wrap all her crap up when it hit me....this is fucking bullshit...why am I giving this kid gifts??? What the hell did she do??? She's on this earth because I did something....why am I not getting the gifts???? I carried her for 9 months....heartburn....sore back....stretch marks only to deliver her in 20 min...and in that 20 minuets not only did I experience the most god awful pain the universe has to offer but I ruined my beautiful vagina....why am I giving her gifts for that???? That girl is only alive because I am waiting for her to get knocked up (someday like 38 years from now) so she can cry to me how her boobs hurt and she's gassy....hahahhahahahahahahahahaha that's right fucker....now you know....so until that day I think she should give ME presents on her birthday...to thank me for not sticking her in the recycle bin.
Well....we all know that is never going to happen....and knowing her...she will adopt so she won't ruin her figure....so in the mean time I gotta run to Target and get wrapping paper....that she won't notice or realize I put time, thought and money into untill the glorious day she has kids....I can't fucking wait. Peace Out!

Pee-ter Pants

I don't care how many of those vagina squeezy exercise things I do...I can't not piss myself when I barf. This is how my hubby knows that I will never suffer from bulimia. I'm pretty sure after a certain amount of babies sitting on and stretching out all my plumbing that I will never be normal again. You know what else is not normal???? My boobies.....they are all fucked up now....no perky adorable little cupcakes....nooooooo.....more like old worn out gym socks....its so not fair....boob milk is suppose to be awesome for your children and so here I gave in with my second child and endured chapped, bloody nipples and not so fun teething time...don't forget all the pervs that tried to sneak a peek when I was in public....and what did I get in return?????? UGLY ALIEN TITS! After all of that work Mother Nature should have given me the rack of god damn porn star.....wtf?
You know what really jacks my balls??? All these stupid daytime talk shows with some asshole saying stuff like...just because you are a mom doesn't mean you have to be frumpy.....listen here fruitcake....yes it does....at least for those of us without nanny backup or maids.....I don't even get a chance to shower everyday much less shop to find some super cute blouse for my baby to puke all over. Did you know I was driving for 5 miles today before I realized I had poop on my sleeve???? Yea....that's right poop...not just a little random ball of poop....no....the whipped peanut butter kind of poop.....yea...and I had just used my last travel wipe on the baby so...I got to run around smelling like damn homeless person all afternoon. Good times. Then they daytime givers of lame and bullshit advice hit us with makeup and hair tips....um....I don't remember the last time I even brushed my hair...what is the point...it's going to have mac n cheese in it within an hour and it's up in a bun at all times anyway...stupid bitch if I had time to do hair and makeup everyday I would probably just do the mountain of laundry lurking in the corner or the never ending dishes....nah...let's be real....I wouldn't...I would pass the hell out....I haven't slept normal in like 257 years....I take every chance I get to snooze. I fell asleep the other day waiting in the car for my daughter...no worries....I was in park....but I felt stupid when I woke myself up by snoring.....oh well...could have been worse.....one time I fell asleep during a LeAnn Rimes concert on New Years Eve....yea...had a sitter...got all dressed up....thousands of people cheering and I'm fast asleep.....my friend (who had no kids) was not really pleased.....oh well....life with kids is an adventure....just not a glamorous one....So till all of the children are in college I will rock my sweats and slippers and pray to God that I don't smell something that makes me puke. Peace out!