Friday, November 5, 2010

Pee-ter Pants

I don't care how many of those vagina squeezy exercise things I do...I can't not piss myself when I barf. This is how my hubby knows that I will never suffer from bulimia. I'm pretty sure after a certain amount of babies sitting on and stretching out all my plumbing that I will never be normal again. You know what else is not normal???? My boobies.....they are all fucked up now....no perky adorable little cupcakes....nooooooo.....more like old worn out gym socks....its so not fair....boob milk is suppose to be awesome for your children and so here I gave in with my second child and endured chapped, bloody nipples and not so fun teething time...don't forget all the pervs that tried to sneak a peek when I was in public....and what did I get in return?????? UGLY ALIEN TITS! After all of that work Mother Nature should have given me the rack of god damn porn star.....wtf?
You know what really jacks my balls??? All these stupid daytime talk shows with some asshole saying stuff like...just because you are a mom doesn't mean you have to be frumpy.....listen here fruitcake....yes it does....at least for those of us without nanny backup or maids.....I don't even get a chance to shower everyday much less shop to find some super cute blouse for my baby to puke all over. Did you know I was driving for 5 miles today before I realized I had poop on my sleeve???? Yea....that's right poop...not just a little random ball of poop....no....the whipped peanut butter kind of poop.....yea...and I had just used my last travel wipe on the baby so...I got to run around smelling like damn homeless person all afternoon. Good times. Then they daytime givers of lame and bullshit advice hit us with makeup and hair tips....um....I don't remember the last time I even brushed my hair...what is the point...it's going to have mac n cheese in it within an hour and it's up in a bun at all times anyway...stupid bitch if I had time to do hair and makeup everyday I would probably just do the mountain of laundry lurking in the corner or the never ending dishes....nah...let's be real....I wouldn't...I would pass the hell out....I haven't slept normal in like 257 years....I take every chance I get to snooze. I fell asleep the other day waiting in the car for my daughter...no worries....I was in park....but I felt stupid when I woke myself up by snoring.....oh well...could have been worse.....one time I fell asleep during a LeAnn Rimes concert on New Years Eve....yea...had a sitter...got all dressed up....thousands of people cheering and I'm fast asleep.....my friend (who had no kids) was not really pleased.....oh well....life with kids is an adventure....just not a glamorous one....So till all of the children are in college I will rock my sweats and slippers and pray to God that I don't smell something that makes me puke. Peace out!

2 comments:

  1. !Absolutely brilliant writing. If I was a publisher I would put something together for you. See if city pages or someone will look at your writing. Seriously

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  2. I almost peed a little reading this! Even after one baby I still tend to piss my fuckin pants! And those bitches who say they don't wear sweat pants are liars and can suck it!
    Rachel Perez (Tift) gave me your link......glad she did, totally my kind of writing! I've been slacking on my blog lately but I'm trying to get back to it. I'm looking forward to reading more!!

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