Saturday, November 28, 2009

Twinkle Toes all of my weirdness one thing that really cracks my husband up is my issues with socks.... he claims I have some crazy sock phobia....this is not entirely true. I don't hate all fact I find some of them to be cute and I will wear them if I must...I do prefer to be barefoot if possible...and I may take that to extremes at when I was working I would wear open toed high heels...sometimes they would be backless too...then when I was at my desk I would take them off even if I was only there for a minuet...if no one was in the office I would leave them off and walk around barefoot. I have also been known to drive barefoot as well...I feel like I have better control if there is nothing between my foot and the pedals. I absolutely have no shame...if I go somewhere...even most restaurants I will take my shoes off and then sit on my feet....I get all antsy if I have to leave them on for too long. I cope better if I have flip flops on....that's why most of you have only every seen me with them on...they are as close to barefoot as I can get...but even so I usually kick them off as soon as possible. I do detest wearing socks but I am not totally afraid of them....however there are a few things that straight up just freak me wet socks....ooooohhhhh my god...just the thought of wearing wet socks makes my whole body shutter....and then I start to's so damn gross...that tight wet thick sock all wet just squishing all over the's awful...I'd rather drink old milk....or shower in hot pee than have wet socks near me!!! Also...I hate when I see other peoples socks and they are all askew....not a joke I start yelling...I have even been know to try and fix them....and heaven forbid the sock has twisted completely around and is upside down...that fucks me all up...I actually have to cover my eyes and start screaming for the person to take the sock off...I can no longer be comfortable after that....and there is no adjusting it because now I know it's all stretched out and even if they turn it back around I will be thinking about how it's just not right...all loose and saggy in places it shouldn't be...bleh! My husband has learned to quickly strip his socks off if I see them all messed up....not only do they need to be off but they need to be out of sight....seeing them will start making me nuts's like they are taunting me...laughing at me....I can't effin handle it....I would throw those evil toe covers away if I could!!!!
When I put socks on my little one...I spend more time making sure they are on perfect....cuz otherwise I just sit and picture them in her shoe getting all bunched up and not sitting right and eventually will take her socks and shoes off and start all over. Not that she ever seems to have issues with them....but I can't concentrate on anything else if I feel that her baby toe is getting smashed by some ill fitted sock! My oldest daughter always always always wears two different socks....and I have learned not to get to uptight about it...most of the time they are similar in style...she likes those little no show socks and she wears the same brand so the thickness is about the same....but every once in awhile she will wear one that is just all friggen different and I can't stand it....she has to either leave the room and not come back or she has to take them off!!!! I don't know how she does it...she claims it's her signature style but I suspect it's her way of fucking with me....she is a ginger after all. My husband has been known to wear different socks....they are similar in style but they will have a different color stripe on the toe...and yea well...I'm not having that on earth he can wear that all damn day long and not lose his mind is beyond me....I could never ever handle would eat at me and I would have to take them off and burn them....then to top it off I would feel that the socks have stretched out my shoes differently...and I will never wear those again either.
I don't know how anyone in their right mind can wear those socks that look like gloves....that is a flippen torture device...I would die...I would hyperventilate, have a heart attack and die...having my toes not only totally surrounded by a sock but then all pushed together and shoved in a shoe....oh hell to the no!!!! Waterboard me instead....the glove/sock thing just is not gonna happen!
So...I don't know how this all became a problem for me...when I was a child I wore socks...because I was told to....I don't know if something happened and I got like a crazy ass blister or something...but I know it really started to amp up in my early 20's....and has gotten more intense as time went on...I guess it could be worse...but I admit it's kind of weird....all my issues are kind of on the weird side...I won't eat fruit that is cut into squares....rectangles and triangles are fine...just not squares...and I can't cut them to change the shape because I know that they were squares....I don't mind if other people munch on them...I don't start throwing the fruit away or anything...I just won't let the squares near my mouth. I blame the Del Monte fruit cups my Grandmother packed in my lunches...I either always spilled them on myself and looked like an idiot or I would end up cutting my knuckle on the metal lid...that shit in the cups was always friggen square I just stay the hell away....
Don't judge know deep down all ya'll have some weird fear...I know a girl that refuses to touch hamburger....she can handle every other kind of meat (lol that sounded dirty) just not ground beef....and I know another girl who has to have someone else take sweatshirts out of the washer because of the sound she thinks they there...I am not the only messed up person on the planet....probably just the most weird one you know...and I can live with that....well gotta run...I have a bagel in the toaster and I need to make sure the cream cheese is put on just right or I feel the crunchy bagel edges will have a better chance at cutting my mouth....peace out!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Softer Side

So last night I was staying up waaaay tooooo late with my not doing anything naughty...I'm to damn pregnant for that...we were just relaxing and watching Conan O' hubby loves him...I don't totally get his humor but I don't mind of his guests was Seth Green...someone else my hubby thinks is awesomely funny...and I love just because of his crap movies like Can't Hardly Wait...sooo...Conan asks Seth if reads what people write about him on the Internet...and he goes into this spiel about how it's poison and people only write stuff on the internet to get others to tell them how smart they are or how funny they are and that these people possess no other skills...well when I thought about my case..he's mostly right...I do love getting feedback it does make me feel good to have my friends say that I'm hilarious and well....other than changing diapers and making Pop Tarts...I really don't have any useful I totally fall into that here's the deal....I am damn good at being an asshole and a negative Nelly...I find it to be therapeutic and funny...I'm just not really a silver lining type of girl....I don't mean any real harm with my writing (most of the time)...I just find the negative more amusing...however...I did look back and see that my stuff is sort of lacking anything I find positive in life (other than the whole thing about my husbands huge balls) so...I am going to share with you a list of 10 things that truly make me happy so that ya'll don't think I am pure piss and don't get all upset I'm not going to put stuff like; when my children smile and knowing God's love...that's all a given and I don't feel like getting all deep and emotional...I'm also not going with shock value like I normally do and talk about how my big yummy ass looks in boy shorts or getting mind blowing sex....that is also something that is a given...and this one time it's about getting to know the real here goes!

01. Shamrock Shakes from McDonald's...I love them...I get all excited every year when they come out and I drink them at least 2 times day for a week and when they are out I'm actually sad for about 3 days.

02. Pedicures....I love to have my feet done...I'm not all about getting my fingernails all spiffed up or facials...but a pedicure...that will keep me smiling for days!

03. Naps...being able to sleep during the day is awesome...the warm sunlight coming in...some peace and quiet when it would normally be crazy...ahhh...yep finding a treasured quiet time to sleep during the day is like a little mini vacation!

04. The movie Varsity Blues....I know the whole thing by heart and if it's on I can't not watch...I know it's horrible acting etc...but it always puts me in a great mood!!

05. Airplanes....I love planes...I like looking at them, I like hearing them, I love being in them...the thrill of take off..the sleep I get while in the air...airplanes are my favorite form of transportation!

06. Halloween...the smell of the candle burning in the pumpkins, seeing the children all dressed up in costumes and passing out candy...all make for the coolest holiday ever!!!

07. The song Steal My Sunshine by Len, it's a weird little ditty that was popular in my early 20' still puts me in a fun bouncy mood and I love when it gets airplay!

08. Wearing my boxers and hubby's t-shirts....nothing more comfortable in the whole world!

09. The smell of a night blooming jasmine plant....sweet and lovely...automatically makes me smile....I've tried buying jasmine scented perfumes and air fresheners....but they are not the same as the plant's truly just a relaxing smell.

10. Video clips of cats and kittens doing silly things....I can't resist a little furball playing on a piano or a giant fat cat trying to chase a toy....cats make me smile...and they are always doing something goofy...fine family entertainment!

There...see..I can be somewhat normal and appreciate the small things in life....and believe it or not there are a few more...but a girl has to have a few secrets and I prefer ya'll knowing the more cynical this will be all the happy go lucky sharing I do with you. Now if you will excuse me I need to go put my hair in a side pony and lip sync a Tiffany song into my hairbrush....then maybe I will watch guys get hit in the nuts on YouTube. Peace out my homies...I hope your bubble of the evil me has not been burst...

Friday, November 13, 2009

Checkup....checkout...check what?!

Well...I got to end my week on a high note....a visit to the OB/GYN...just to check my weight and measure my belly..nothing too crazy. I got there about 5 minuets early...and proceeded to wait about 35 minuets in their lovely yet very uncomfortable chairs untill they called me back...where of course they asked me to pee in a cup...however they were out of their normal collection cups and had these teeny tiny little water the size of jello shot am fucking 8 months pregnant....I can barley get my hand around my belly to hold the cup to begin with and now you think I can aim pee into that damn thing?! Needless to say I pissed all over my fucking hand....awesome....I go to wash my hands....and the soap they have has aloe in it....which to most is nice...but to me is deadly...I am allergic to aloe...sweet...oh well...urine is sterile...but just to be a dick I didn't wipe the cup off before sticking it into the little door in the wall...ha ha ha ha!!!! Don't get your panties in a bunch and think I'm mean....hello it's a little pee...these bitches look at crotches for a you really think a bit of pee is the worst thing they touch all day? Anyways....the whores got me back...they left me sitting in the over heated room on the most uncomfortable table for another 20 minuets....while talking about what they were going to order for lunch....I hope whatever they ordered was cooked badly and they spend the weekend shitting themselves...anyways I was then informed that I needed to get my asshole swabed....really...are you serious??? I have had two other children and have never had my chocolate doughnut prodded by a giant is on took her some hedge clippers and a GPS to get to it cuz I have not gardened in like 2 months....and my ground cover is running wild...bye the way I Googled that anal probe thing when I got home and it's I won't be sending them a bill for 700.00...that's the going rate for an ass jump in my town...well...I shouldn't complain too next visit will be worse...I get to have my cervix checked...nothing better than feeling like your being stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey....and then thunked on a place that should only be tapped by your hubby during some crazy drunk animal planet activities. Peace out...enjoy your evening...I'm going to shower and try to find a support group to help me through this emotional ordeal.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

No Nookie :( I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy...thank god...and I gotta's not all that comforting....people lie...I just saw a magazine cover with that weird looking Kardashian girl saying "I love being pregnant"....she has got to be full of shit....who loves being pregnant???? I can't even get laid....I tried....mostly because it helps induce labor...but my holy cannoli is so friggen swollen from the baby weight that I can't enjoy cunnilingus and when I tried to crawl on top of my hubby so I could at least rub my happy patch on his pleasure pogo I pulled a muscle in my right leg....yelled out in pain and rolled off yelping like a yorkie that just got kicked with stilettos...needless to say the mood was ruined and I cried myself to sleep....such bullshit..
Oh...a note to all you jerkfucks that like to make fun of me...I can't help the fact that I waddle...there are several reasons for that by the way....for hips hurt...alot.....two, it helps keep the pee in....three, I can't fucking see where I am walking so I find the side to side method no more penguin jokes please....I know plenty of people that walk funny and you very rarely see me point it out to their face...why be so effin rude to me?????
Oh my god...ya'll wanna know something odd??? When I poop my belly button pops out...back and forth like one of those squeeze dolls who's eyes jump out when you squish it....and that's the only time it happens..I've tried all sorts of stuff to make it come out...but weird right? It freaked my toddler out...her eyes got all big and she yelled out "yucky mommy button broken" I make sure to keep my belly covered when she's in the bathroom with me...that's never happened with the other pregnancies....but at least my nips don't leak when I sneeze like they did last time....this time around it's only when I lay on them...then I get to peel my t-shirt off of them in the morning...which makes them all look like little spice sounds kinda hot but it's really fact I find it disturbing....almost as disturbing as the new stretch mark I got that goes through my's some sort of tribal eye thing (back from my early 20's when I thought tribal crap was sad...thank the lord Tom is the only one who really sees it) and now it looks like I have Scarface on my belly....wicked hot right?
Well gotta go....I need to go chow down on Prilosec and grape KoolAid....the only things that get me through the night...ah...I miss the days of gin, cigars and great it's ice packs on my back and 25 minuets of adjusting pillows the right way just so I can realize I need to piss for 17th time....I'm about to say screw it and get a catheter...oh hell yea...nothing says sexy like a big bag of pee! Peace out!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Sporty Spice....

As of late my moods have been swinging in just full force...I have 6 weeks left till push time and I am a friggen wreck!!! However after a few meltdowns the other day and some kind words from my darling hubby and wonderful friends I chilled out a bit, took a bath and decided to watch some TV. I LOVE this newer show called's's pretty much like the show Web Soup...not to be confused with The Soup with Joel McHale...I love him...he's friggen hysterical...and then there's The Dish on the Style channel with that girl from that show...she sucks but the show is good.....then I think there is a Sports Soup with the Go To Guy from Clean House....I don't really watch that one...not because I don't like the host...but I really don't know when it's on and I am not that into sports...don't get me wrong...I love me some Gator football...but Tim Tebow has a lot to do with that....and I watch some of the NFL games but not enough to really know whats going on other than Farve is collecting social security and still playing....whatever...but all in all I don't understand most sports and well...I don't care to. If there is no physical contact I really don't care to's is the most stupid thing I have ever heard I know lots of you love it....good for you...I just don't get it....a guy with a tiny shiny stick hits a tiny little ball from one patch of grass to another...big friggen deal. They don't have cool wear super cute sweater vests and nifty visors....bleh...and to top it off when they sink the put or whatever the hell the scoring is...the crowd just does a little one wearing head to toe paint jumps up and one does the wave....there is no band playing Final Countdown...and I'm suppose to get all amped up about this?! Golf was invented by douche bags that don't want to cut the grass on a Saturday....and by guys who think they look sexy in Dockers....I mean who really wants to go stand outside in hot weather and play with shafts and little balls??? Loser husbands that have a bit of gay curiosity that's who!!!!! The only saving grace that golf has is that Justin Timberlake plays it....I don't know why but he does and I love him so I will refrain from saying any further evil things about golf...BUT just so you know...guys...wives of men who play golf know what the 411 is and that is why they invented book clubs....we don't really give a fuck about the new Nora Roberts...we are drinking margaritas and getting lap dances from the stripper we hired that's dressed like a firefighter (you know a real man not some polo wearing golf cart renting half flaccid a-hole). So every time you are out playing with your sticks and stones with your buddies....remember rock hard covered in baby oil Cody dressed as Tom Cruise from Top Gun is rubbing is ding ding in your wife's face. Sweet dreams :)