Friday, April 23, 2010

Boogers And Poopy And Vomit Oh My!

You can always tell a non-parent from a parent....and it's so much fun to mess with them....every time I sniff my kid's ass to see if she has poop a non-parent gets this most horrified look on their face. I love it. However....could you tell me a better way???? I have seen other parents actually stick their finger into the diaper....are you friggen kidding me???!!! I mean getting some doo doo on you from time to time is a part of life as a parent but to go digging for have lost your diaper changing mind! I sometimes look....if the outfit is willing....but sometimes the little tootsie rolls are hidden in the buttcrack so I prefer the sniff's not like I inhale deeply like I would on a Sharpie.....just a little whiff will's not the only stinky thing babies have for you...puke...sweaty underchin....and awesome formula burps....all super fab scents....babies are like little drunken frat guys....they eat, shit and smell....and can't dress themselves.....they just cost less in bail money....and they don't steal your car...but pretty much picture your first college boyfriend and there you go. Just this morning my darling little one woke me up by pissing on me...that's right....after an early morning bottle we fell asleep all snuggled up...and then she exceeded pee limit in the diaper and urinated all over me and my new Egyptian cotton.....sigh....oh well....probably won't be the only member of the family to whizz on them...especially if I get knocked up again....and as far as fluids a baby gets on you....a little pee is really not a biggie....just wait till they yack up some sweet potatoes in your that's a good time ;)
Ok...bye the way all you's the deal...just because my kids are screaming and throwing shit...I'm not leaving the you know what a pain in the ass it is to load up 8 million kids, a double stroller and a few diaper bags????'s easier for you to leave and come back later so fuck off....I need my juice boxes and gummy snacks or the little buggers will set my kitchen on fire....and when you come into the bathroom and heaven forbid I am changing my child on the diaper thing....shut the fuck up!!!! Little comments that in the car or could you take up anymore room...only make me toss the diaper over the stall door onto your head...did you know that once upon a time you were a baby and you too crapped your pants???? Do you think your mother really appreciated those snippy comments??? Yea...think about dillhole!
Oh and is never ever ever ok to touch our children...I know you think how fun it would be to pinch the chubby cheeks or tickle the little toes...but you will get beaten to death....we all fear the worst when out in public.....that some sicko is going to make off with our kids and do horrible things to if you move in on our precious poopers we will kill you and we will have the help of other parents and you will need your dental records....just a warning.
One more thing...when my toddler is screaming for a sucker and I appear to be ignoring her....stay the hell out of it.....maybe she didn't eat lunch...or maybe she just had one or maybe just maybe I had to cut a chunk of hair off that the last blue sucker you think hey...what's the big deal it's just a try prying one off the back of your headrest and see if you feel they need another one....piss off!
NOW...onto the Super-parents....ya'll kids are perfect and mine....well they don't have a chance in hell in coming close....I don't want your advice on how to quiet a tantrum or how to teach the inside voice....I've tried that..the apple does not fall far from the tree so the best I can hope for is no juvi....
Well...better go...the toddler is wedged under my bed and the Hannah Montana movie is about to end so she's going to notice she's stuck... Peace out!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I should have a real job...but this is more fun...

One of my hobbies is sewing...and when I say sewing I mean....tacking shit together for the fun of it....I have no talent and no idea what I'm doing....but I enjoy pretending. One of my recent projects was this moo moo....I bought it at Goodwill for $2.99...I altered the length and the sleeves...made a dorky belt for color and stuck some tulle on the bottom for that junior high semi-formal look...I will add tulle to just about's like my fav thing....well that and glitter :) Anywhooo....just thought I would share my stuff with you.....sorry the pics didn't turn out...kinda dark...however you get the idea!
Better go...I'm working on a leather monocle/face mask's pretty groovy....but I doubt I will be wearing it to parent pickup! Peace out :)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Yes...You Are An Idiot

You know what I hate???? Stupid dumb anyone that dates K-Fed or Jon Gosslin....totally deserves to get is very public that these guys are worthless turds and yet they keep finding retarded hookers to spend time with. When are women going to learn that people do not change??? They may adjust a little but come on...a shit is a shit is a me....yes I'm a shit...and most of the people in the world can not tolerate me...and few thought I could be "fixed"...well....they were way off....however after many tries (not like hundreds...but you know a couple)...I found a man that for the most part can put up with me...and he knew what he was getting know why...because he wasn't fooling himself....guys usually don't....chicks on the other hand always make excuses for men....STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.....if you need to defend a guy...then he's not worth it! I don't care if his dog just died or his ex is Satan....I don't care that he suffers from small dick syndrome....he's a douche!!!!!!! You know it just don't want to believe it.....and guess what I don't feel sorry for you if you let yourself get jacked over by him....have you not learned your lesson from the last guy that stole your car and banged your hair stylist???? I understand that shit happens...but when you see it coming and you jump right deserve to paddle in the pool of crap...
You know what else I hate???? Stupid dumb bitches that ask my advice and when I give it to them they act like I am a dickhead....if you don't want to know what I think...don't ask me....I will tell you that you look fat or your hair is gay or that yes the dork you met on MySpace slightly reminds me of child if you honestly don't want to know....then ask your cat. I'm to old for beating around the bush and with all my kids you are damn lucky I answered your call to begin with so let's not waste my time.
Now...just so you know...I'm not honest with people because I like to hurt feelings (well not the feelings of people I like)....I just think if you can't be honest with yourself....someone needs to tell you....I have thanked many a folks after it was too late and I didn't now I really do take what people have to say into consideration....I also try to not repeat history....but believe I always find new inventive ways to fuck myself's a gift. I would prefer my loved ones not be screwed and perhaps take a lesson from me....cuz trust me...the school of hard knocks is not about getting banged till your toes tingle..wish I had known that before I enrolled in the class....
Life is frustrating enough...don't add to your stress by trying to find love where it's just not going to happen....and don't ever ever ever wear red spandex....that's just wrong..for everyone...all of the time....that shit should never have been invented.....
Well better go...I have an e-mail to send to Jesse James....he's going to be single soon ;) no worries....I don't want to marry the slut...I just wanna see him naked. LOL Just husband is way hotter and much less promiscuous than that jackass! Peace out!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sunday Funday My Ass!

Well my day yesterday was not so wonderful....and after a long day of bullshit I went to bed thinking that when I woke up it would be a fresh new awesome day...better and happier then the one I was leaving behind....well...I was way fucking wrong. Instead of the happy morning with babies giggling, birds chirping and eggs cooking....I woke up to find the dog ate something bad and dropped 3 large piles of diarrhea by the front door....thanks for barking and getting let out...asshole....oh well...then I go to roust my teen up and I find my retarded cat had coughed up and enormous nasty hairball next to her I had to wake her to tell her not to move so that she wouldn't roll in it....can you imagine that drama????....I swear that girl can sleep through anything....I don't know if I feel bad for her future husband or not. Well once all that was taken care of I started to get ready for church (yes I go attend church...shut up) my makeup is hair is done...I'm about to get dressed and BAM....down I foot got stuck in the friggen baby gate...I over corrected and ran into the dresser and ended up face firmly planted on the ground....screaming like I was in a horror flick the whole way totally sucked toes were throbbing my hip and face were hurt and my pride was a tad bit bruised....after a good cry I pulled my shit together and left....I was going to get a coffee to try and perk up a bit but nooooooo.....every other asshole in town had the same idea and the line of the drive through was like 27 cars deep...sigh...oh to pray I go....I turn up the radio and and start singing some Daughtry (I'm coming home, to a place where I belong...) and the sky lets loose....bolts of lightning, loud claps of thunder and rain...lots and lots and lots of hard rain....Son of a bitch....and as per usual I was beyond late so I got the last space in the I crawled my fat ass in the back seat...which is a lot harder then it sounds...I am in a tiny little clown car...I have a huge purse and heels on...the carseat takes up most of the backseat and I have not stretched....I honestly thought I tore my butthole...however I made it without breaking any windows or honking the horn so I consider it a success....I unlatched the baby, grabbed the bottle and made a run for it....I looked like a wet well dressed cat by the time I got to the door.....and the Pastor (who is so sweet thank goodness) was just about to go in when he saw me...I apologized for being late and for dripping water all over the narthex...he just winked at me like...typical crazy lady...and let me in. Church was great...and the rain had calmed down some so I thought my day was getting better....but once again I was dead wrong....I guess I too had devoured something that did not agree with me and I ended up making several trips to turd town all afternoon....but the day was not all lost....I got to read my new Marie Claire magazine while sitting on the pot and found if I lean against the sink with a balled up towel for a pillow I can almost fall asleep while crapping myself to death. I also decided I want an ottoman for the that has a plug in for my cell phone (I Facebook while whizzing) and a place for the magazines.....I think lots of folks would buy an ottoman for the the potty....I will call it a Pottaman...and they will come in a variety of colors and a free bottle of jasmine scented hand sanitizer....
Anyways....I gotta toddler got ahold of a jar of vapor rub...and well...we are all breathing much to try and get it out of her hair.....I really think it should be stylish for little girls to be bald!!!!! Peace out!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Eye am so annoyed.....

Grrrrrrrr.......I'm so fucking tired of my god awful unibrow!!!!!!!! It's constant upkeep...I wax, tweeze and even use that stinky cream and two hours's back...I'm like friggen teen wolf...except I'm middle aged...and a female....and now to top it off my youngest child is going to hate has become evident that she has also inherited the fuzzy brow I know what you are thinking...just get laser....well I would but...I have 8 million's on the bottom of the list of things to get....right under boob job... yes I would prefer to get big giant bajungas....why????....cuz no one will be looking at my eyes if I have huge amazing tits...duh. Back in the day when I didn't have a pack of evil yet adorable wasn't as awful...I could take time everyday to groom my Bert & Ernie brow but now I only get to it like once a week....which sucks....and I pretty much need a flippen garden weasel to tame it...then...last time I got to it...I had some wine first...and now they are all jenked...and one is pretty much a half an inch shorter than the other...on the upside they get so damn long so fast I can just do a brow comb over.....I'm like the Donald Trump of brow land...
A few years ago I was complaining to my Grandmother about it...and asked why I was the only one in the family who had this issue...and she starts chuckling at me....then proceeds to tell me she had electrolysis done when she was in her 40's.....nice...all these years I thought I was a freak (no comments needed from ya'll) and here it was all her fault! So...I think I should do some sort of beatify the planet fundraiser and get my eye-stash corrected.....I would do a car wash but no one wants to see this all pressed up against a hood of a car...however I could use my eyebrows as a chamois.... I don't bake and I'm pretty sure no one wants to buy Pop Tarts from me....sooooo I need some better ideas....I could go door to door selling candy bars...but we all know I'm not hoofing my fat ass around the neighborhood trying to pawn off chocolate....I would however get a bottle of screw top wine, a chick flick and enjoy the candy much like I enjoy my and crazy...I could put on a talent show...but my talents are limited and mostly naughty....I don't want to end up in jail with my man-like unibrow becoming some gangsta bitches for the moment I'm at a loss.....and now ya'll know why I wear big weird sunglasses everywhere....Well...better go....I'm trying to design a cute piece of jewelry that covers the brows that will be accepted by general public and not just the circus....however in the mean time I need to run to Sally Beauty Supply and see if they have a mini blow torch...maybe I can singe it just enough that it wont come back. Burn Mother Fucker Burn!!!! Peace out!