Friday, September 17, 2010

Warning....This Is About Sex Organs!

So...the other day I was going threw this sex toy catalouge....I was doing research...(LOL...take that how you want to) and I came across this adorable battery operated vagina. It was a really pretty shade of pink and almost looked like a flower....I said to my husband...Babe look at this adorable fake vagina...he glances over and says...Oh yea...that's what yours looks like...then he continues with whatever he was doing. I just sat there with that....hubby say know, one eyebrow cocked and mouth half open....thinking he's smoking crack. Here's the deal--- I have given birth to two children...after the first one I had approx. 30 stitches...and the second one needed help getting out so my lovely doc went in elbow deep to pull her just can't come back from that!!!! I do my own gardening...and trust me my whoo haa looks nothing like a pretty pink looks more like a chipmunk that got run over. The only beautiful thing about it... is that it still works. Think about it...if that kind of trauma happened to your wouldn't friggen work anymore...the doctors would fill it with spackle (or whatever doctors use) and tell you to wear your hair long.....but when your juice box get's damaged they tell you to do some kegels and your all better....and it's true....tight as spandex on a drag queen once again...just not as attractive. But you know what rocks??? My hubby still loves my girly bits and can't get enough of it! I thank the inventor of the light switch....what you can't see won't scare the crap out of you. LOL Have a great day.

Read If You Can't Get Any!

(huff)....I am so over hearing from my single girlfriends about how they can't get laid.....shut up...if you have a can get sex. The problem with these chicks is they really want more than a shag...or...they are to picky about who they want to roll around with. If you honestly just need to get down and boogie then I tell you my friends it's possible....but stop being a retard....Don't expect the sexiest man alive to be out and about on the exact same night you feel like dropping your panties. Don't expect this guy to be single. Don't talk to much....stupid stupid stupid....all they want is enough chit chat to make sure you are on the same 69 they don't care why you are out or how your cat is...or even your last name...and for the love of flavored condoms do not talk about your ex! catch a one night bed buddy...dress the super vampy outfit...they will assume you are out of the question....however...not to casual either....nice jeans and cute roll with whatever you want just nothing to freaks them out. DON'T BE one wants to bang the frump girl....yuck.
Now that you have picked out a guy to get crazy are some rules....never go to your don't want them knowing where you live or worse....wanting to use your shower in the morning...gross. When you walk in the door....stop speaking all might bore them to death and they will fall asleep...most likely he's had a few stop drinking too or you will have to deal with whiskey fun. DO NOT give him a blow job.....if he blows his load there is no need for him to try and please just knock him down and hop on. Do not look around his place and try to figure out what kind of guy he is...that is not why you are there....get yours and go! Don't have any after talk other than “call me a cab” and “I know I was awesome...shut up”.
Most of you ladies out there lie....the I just want sex line is want a man...and you try to turn a one nighter into a relationship and then get your feelings hurt....make sure you are ready for a relationship....meaning the thought of your exes don't send you into panic attacks or are not still married...and you are comfortable with yourself alone until you find the right guy.
I know....I have been in your shoes before...more than learn from my mistakes. There is no Mr. Perfect....just Mr. Perfect For You. Your ideas of what you want are probly not what you need so do some thinking.....and while you are at it...look in the mirror.....are you really girlfriend material???? Last but not least stop asking me what is wrong with you....because from now on...I am going to tell you. Have a great safe and text me all the details of your scandalous adventures the next morning.....

Vagina On The Rocks

I think it's funny when people don't like to use certain words....Like cracks me up that they are so uncomfortable with it. Don't get me wrong I like nick names too...whoo hah, clam and furry burger are all great but sometimes they just don't have the same feel as VAGINA. Let's face it a vagina is something everyone likes....I like mine.....I like having it I like using it and it gives me a feeling of power (however wrong that may be lol). My husband likes my vagina even more than I do!!!!! So unless you are a gay man everyone else loves vaginas why are so many people weird about it? I think vagina should be a paint color....your husband asks you what color he should paint the kid's playhouse....Oh I don't know, vagina pink would be nice. Or what color do you want your engagement cake to be....a lovely shade of vagina would soooo go with all the centerpieces!
Vagina should also be the name of a popular adult beverage......(ok here is where you find out why I need a job, I think of weird stuff all the time) is the scenario for the drink:

A lonely pilot (I had to use a pilot so my buddy would appreciate this story) just got home from a long flight on a Friday night....he's walking around town trying to not go home to his boring empty apartment....he passes a bar he realizes he's never been in so he takes a peek in threw the window...It's charming and quiet...wood floors, old fashioned bar, a few dart boards and the hottest bartender he's ever seen. He takes a deep breath and goes inside...there's a few guys at the bar but a nice open spot at the end....he walks up and takes a look at her....he can hardly contain his erection...she's about 5"7 long gorgeous hair, lush full lips, huge amazing boobs and those sexy smokey fuck me eyes....she sees him and smiles, he tries not to look like an asshole so he nods....she walks over and asks him what he wants and then winks at him...he orders a sweet wet vagina....she bites her lip and proceeds to mix his drink...she asks you want to put anything into it?...he says oh she drops in two maraschino cherries and smiles....then she leans her breasts into the bar and slowly starts to push the vagina towards him and says....that's $35.00....the pilot all of sudden jumps back and yells $35.00!!!! I can make one at home for free!!! The bartender yells back....this is top shelf motherfucker! Go ahead home and enjoy your cheap shit alone! He then realizes she's right....enjoying a self made vagina by yourself is not the same as going out and getting a good one from a pro...he drops to his knees and begs....I'm sorry...I was stupid I really want your vagina! She tells him to go and stop wasting her time. He leaves...he looks back in the window and sees another man licking the sweet sugar off the rim of what was suppose to be his perfect vagina...he walks home almost in tears down the cold dark road and realizes.....a good vagina is priceless.

See...told ya I need a Don't forget to tip your waitresses!

We've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All!

I don't know how to lightly approach this subject so I guess I will just dive right on in...there is no secret that I have been married 3 times....I have a few kids...watched a few pornos and have HBO....I have seen a few sets of balls in my time. Let me tell you a big giant sack is worth looking for....and very hard to current hubby (that sounds awful) has a damn set of catchers mitts between his legs....just the most giant testicles I have ever friggen seen....and at first they freaked me the fuck out....just from pure that I have had some one on one time with them...they are the best thing ever....I just love them! Giant balls have some really nice advantages too.... it's kinda like upgrades for a car....a basic model works just fine but if you can get a few enjoy it on the list is...massive cojones are more durable...yep they can take much more a little too much tooth or a squeeze that is too tight a pull that's a bit rough here and there does end a good spanking session. Second...when your man is in....uh...full are his jolly knockers...I like to call it the pleasure's most effective during doggie style however a little ass pat during missionary is nice too....mmmmmmm mommy like. Third...well let's face it...bragging I know there are still a few classy girls left out there that do not discuss such matters...however...ya'll are few and far between and the rest of us discuss our mans junk and his ability to use it....and if we are really good friends we don't lie about it either. Nothing is better than being able to smile proudly and say my husband has some huge ass jungle berries and fat dick to go with them....own up to it ladies...we all want to be tore up and pleasured till we pass out and not all men can do that....and a man with a large gift bag has a major it's straight up cool when your guy is sitting there with a giant bulge in his pants and all the other chicks see that it's just dying to sprawl out and be let loose from it's confines of jeans and jockey shorts.... and in our head we are all like ha ha bitches...that's what I'm playing with tonight!!!!! As nice women we all like to make up for what our guys lack with little sayings like....he can go forever or....his hands are like magic....that all means he has a smaller set of frank and beans that we would have liked and he has no idea how to use's sorta tragic how we feel that we need to say such things...and it's stressful trying to think of them. SO.....all in all if you are a single gal on the prowl for a man...make sure his steak and eggs are enough to satisfy your sexual appetite or you will be tempted to check out a different menu....and no love is not is a very very large part of what makes a relationship tick...however...if his skills in the bedroom suck and you find yourself telling your mate to go drinking with his buddies so you can stay home with a bottle of wine and a vibrator....that love will turn to annoyance and you will be apartment searching within the year. Here are some tips to help with the choosing of a partner....If he has small soft hands...chances are he has a small soft away. If he is not really into giving oral means he has already found out that he is bad at away. If he cannot refer to his penis as a cock, dick or shaft.....and uses words like ding dong or thingy....he has no idea how to use his unmentioned penis and never away. If he pulls down his pants and you don't immediately think never will and will soon find Chinese food and cake batter more away. I know we would all like to think we are nice girls and it's not all about size....but it is.... face it we don't want to feel like we are giving head to a toothpick or getting banged by a thermometer.....and if a guy has no idea how to please a lady by the time he's will never ever can't teach an old dog new tricks....especially one with a skinny willy and chili beans for nuts.
Oh...and we as women need to stop lying to men and telling them they have big turbo diesels in their pants when they don't....because then they get all cocky (ha ha get it) and want to use it all the time...then we gotta fake orgasms and pretend we have headaches's just more trouble than it's worth...if the asshole asks what you think of his tennis equipment he's trying to sell you just tell him that you need to test it out before you can purchase the product....if after a few games you are not impressed....tell him to find a chick that's 4'9 and pack it up goes on.
Peace out my friends...I hope tonight you get ravaged till you are unable to walk....and if you don't I hope you have a chocolate cake in the fridge....