Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Quick Like A Bunny

Ok...am I really the only woman out there that is not into having marathon sex??? I read all these articles and hear all the talk about chicks that need all sorts of time in bed....and then there is me...I don't mind the whole fooling around part with the kissing and teasing and playing but when it comes to doing the deed I am all about hitting it hard and fast then going to bed. I don't understand wanting to ride the pogo stick for long amounts of time....are you not afraid of getting a calloused vagina???? lol Maybe it's just that my hubby knows how to work it out....between the motion of his juicy Italian sausage and his mammoth jingle bells slapping all the right spots of my Christmas cookie....maybe I just don't need the effort other people do to get off....plus I know how to work my vagina too....a little squeezy squeezy here a shift to the left and it's BOOM SHAKE SHAKE THE ROOM...nails come out like a cat...names are getting yelled out and a nice sticky mess is just awaiting for my leg when I go to sleep to remind me of what a damn good time I just had....
I think boinking spree's are more for people without children.....it's all good when you don't have to sneak in a game of ring around the rosey during nap time or an eight second bull ride before the second feeding in the middle of the night..heaven forbid the kids are awake and you're in the closet trying not to bruise a hip against the shoe rack.... then trying to explain to your teen how you got a "toothpaste" stain on the back of your t-shirt and Daddy can't find his belt that he lost while trying to change a light bulb....then they look at you like your a giant fucking pervert and ask to go see a therapist....next thing you know your yelling that Momma has needs and if you damn kids were not so stressful I wouldn't need to have a release like that in the middle of the day!!! ...lol jk that last part hasn't happened yet...ha ha ha....anyways... it's not that I don't like the act of sex I just like to get to the good stuff....I also think maybe my tunnel of love might be more sensitive then others....cuz when it's good...it's soooooo good and when it's bad (like in the case of a few exes) it's really really bad and I don't want to even be there...and I start getting bitchy and wish I could go watch a movie..... we all know how I feel about being with someone who sucks between the sheets.....it's only a matter of time before their jokes get old and the batteries die in the vibrator and a new more interesting penis comes along....but that's another story....
I think maybe if I didn't have to worry about kids and if I could get some sleep.... I would hang in for a few more rounds....but with the life we lead I fully believe the quickie was invented for me. I mean how else are you going to get it done during half time of a Gator game???? Maybe when I'm 60 and the kids are all gone I can work on my stamina or learn tantra techniques or something but for now it's Hit Me With Your Best Shot....Well...gotta go...all the kids are either busy or sleeping...gonna go rub one out for my hubby :) Peace out!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Poop...not just a funny word

Holy cow...for about an hour today I could not believe my damn bad luck...now that I have had a moment to reflect it's sorta funny and I thought I'd share it with ya'll....so...my hubby just walks out the door and the baby wakes up to eat....no worries I have a bottle ready and a talk show on and for a very brief moment the toddler is occupied...I start feeding my new little addition and all of a sudden I get diarrhea...I have no time no warning...nothing....I had to jump up and race to the potty while holding my newborn and bottle....by some crazy miracle I was able to wriggle my pants down and get my butt on the toilet in time for all hell to come flying out of my ass!!!!!! However there I was on the bowl holding a now crying newborn and wondering if I was going to die....I called for my toddler to come and asked her if she could get Mommy the car seat...she ran off and I wondered if she would even return....now in tears I picture her in her older sisters room applying makeup and coloring on the walls...I didn't know what to do and just sat there and resumed feeding my newborn and burping her...this was a most tragic scene....then all of a sudden I hear my toddler coming and dragging something she's yelling "I got it Momma I got it"....holy moly she had the car seat! I told her she was awesome and thanked her....she quickly went into my room yelling "oooohhhh no Momma is yucky!"....well yea....it was not pleasant....but I really didn't need the insult to injury at the moment....but hey..she's just a little kid. I get the baby in the seat and am able to finish my business and light a match.....wash my hands and return to my spot on the couch with my girls. Whew...or so I thought...at that second my toddler decides to pinch me and yell something about me being stupid....hmmmm.....I glance at the clock and realize it's nap time so I decide not to get to offended and get her into bed....now once again I resume my spot on the sofa and try to feed my infant...thinking some nice quiet time just us will be nice....oh...but no...she shits her pants now...the kind that comes out the side of the diaper and onto my arm....fucking awesome!!!! We go and get all cleaned up and as I am about to close her new diaper she decides to pee all over the place....it's on her legs and her belly and now on my bed too....sweet....I just start laughing...I'm like really....now what...is my hair going to start on fire too???? I take her to the sink and rinse her off...get her diapered and try one last time for that spot on my couch....ahhhh...finally I get to feed her...burp her and get her to sleep....I need a shower and a glass of wine....but...alas I hear my toddler starting to stir so maybe next year for that....lol. Hope ya'll have a great day...or at least one with normal bowel movements. Peace out.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Feeling fine...well not really...

Ok soooo....today I got to go back to the Ob/Gyn....I'm so lucky....and they did the usual...check my weight, have me pee in a tiny little cup, blood pressure etc....then I'm explaining to my doc this pain I have every time the baby moves....she's never heard of this actual complaint...awesome she's delivered like 1,000 babies and has never heard of this....that makes me realize that I'm either insane or something is really wrong....but her hypothesis is that my uterus is just so damn big that my insides can no longer take the irritation and I am just stretched to the max....which makes sense to me cuz my big girl underpants are going through the same damn thing...I have actually cut the elastic off of them and they are now just a flimsy barrier between me and my jeans....sigh...how the mighty have fallen...years ago when I met my hubby...I had barely there underwear...but um...they were lace and meant to drive him wild....now they are big cotton grannies and they scare the crap out of him....so tragic. Anyways....my OB asks if I want my cervix checked...and like an idiot I say yes...hoping to hear that I am ready to have this baby....well...all of sudden I feel this god awful pain...and I start yelling and crying and I almost levitate trying to get away...my husband has to run over and help hold me in place....my little sprite of a doc proceeds to tell me that I was dilated to 1 and she's is pushing it open to 2...and then she says she is also stripping my membranes to help it along because my girl bits are ready.....um....could you have bought me a drink first...wtf....no one should have to go through that without a shot of some sort...either a sedative or a cold tequila shooter....needless to say that friggen blew ass. So..I go home and wonder what will this do....I get on all sorts of blogs to see what other preggos say and I am shocked....some say they had their baby just hours after and some said days....all of this is fine until I read that some of these crazy bitches went home after and had sex to help speed up the process....really...are fucking kidding me....I know semen has this stuff to help the cervix soften up....blah blah blah...but damn after what I went through there is no way in hell I'm going to get it on. My vagina is so tender that if I breathe to hard it makes me cry...my stomach is having this never ending menstrual like cramp that is just unbelievable and feels like it's pressing down on what I thought was a baby but now feels like a giant mechanical porcupine.....yea that soooo makes me want throw my ass in the air and get freaky.....then some other neurotic baby oven said she went home and proceeded to walk briskly around the neighborhood to help speed things along....um...seriously...you went for a brisk walk....I have not been able to do anything at a brisk pace for at least 5 months...this bitch has got to be lying...or on crack...which by the way is not good for the baby...so her little bundle of joy may come out a bit faster than mine but at least mine wont be a cyclops with 3 ears.....she even admitted that she cramped the whole time...then sit the fuck down you retard!!!!!! Hell even if I decided I wanted to go for a walk it couldn't happen....first of all I can't get my swollen ass feet into my tennis shoes...(yes I own shoes)....second...I can't bend over enough to tie my shoes....so I think Miss Walk Briskly is full of shit. I know I was all about shaking my daughter lose....and was doing squats etc...that was before I was in pain...how did I forget what bullshit this was????? I think they should just give me the epidural now...even if it takes days to pop...this whole feeling like I'm being chewed on from the inside out is not my idea of a good time....it's like those fricken horror films where some little pod thing gets in your body and starts growing and then tares you open and slithers away and you lay there with your intestines all over the ground and face broken in half and you bleed to death....so...now for all of you who have not had children yet....just remember....it's awful and I suggest not doing it....and if you do...don't say I didn't warn you....not only does it hurt...but it ruins your boobs...there is nothing positive to come of this...except the sweet little baby that will keep you from sleeping for a year and will most likely turn into a teenager...get their bellybutton pierced and run off with some guy on a motorcycle.....or maybe just maybe....they will be the apple of your eye and make you know love like you never imagined....right now...the way I feel...it's the first option..well...gotta go...I need to roll myself to the bathroom and pee....then maybe pass out for the night on the bathroom floor...just like the good old days before kids. Peace out.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Twinkle Toes

Well....in all of my weirdness one thing that really cracks my husband up is my issues with socks.... he claims I have some crazy sock phobia....this is not entirely true. I don't hate all socks...in fact I find some of them to be cute and I will wear them if I must...I do prefer to be barefoot if possible...and I may take that to extremes at times...like when I was working I would wear open toed high heels...sometimes they would be backless too...then when I was at my desk I would take them off even if I was only there for a minuet...if no one was in the office I would leave them off and walk around barefoot. I have also been known to drive barefoot as well...I feel like I have better control if there is nothing between my foot and the pedals. I absolutely have no shame...if I go somewhere...even most restaurants I will take my shoes off and then sit on my feet....I get all antsy if I have to leave them on for too long. I cope better if I have flip flops on....that's why most of you have only every seen me with them on...they are as close to barefoot as I can get...but even so I usually kick them off as soon as possible. I do detest wearing socks but I am not totally afraid of them....however there are a few things that straight up just freak me out...like wet socks....ooooohhhhh my god...just the thought of wearing wet socks makes my whole body shutter....and then I start to panic...it's so damn gross...that tight wet thick sock all wet just squishing all over the foot....it's awful...I'd rather drink old milk....or shower in hot pee than have wet socks near me!!! Also...I hate when I see other peoples socks and they are all askew....not a joke I start yelling...I have even been know to try and fix them....and heaven forbid the sock has twisted completely around and is upside down...that fucks me all up...I actually have to cover my eyes and start screaming for the person to take the sock off...I can no longer be comfortable after that....and there is no adjusting it because now I know it's all stretched out and even if they turn it back around I will be thinking about how it's just not right...all loose and saggy in places it shouldn't be...bleh! My husband has learned to quickly strip his socks off if I see them all messed up....not only do they need to be off but they need to be out of sight....seeing them will start making me nuts too...it's like they are taunting me...laughing at me....I can't effin handle it....I would throw those evil toe covers away if I could!!!!
When I put socks on my little one...I spend more time making sure they are on perfect....cuz otherwise I just sit and picture them in her shoe getting all bunched up and not sitting right and eventually will take her socks and shoes off and start all over. Not that she ever seems to have issues with them....but I can't concentrate on anything else if I feel that her baby toe is getting smashed by some ill fitted sock! My oldest daughter always always always wears two different socks....and I have learned not to get to uptight about it...most of the time they are similar in style...she likes those little no show socks and she wears the same brand so the thickness is about the same....but every once in awhile she will wear one that is just all friggen different and I can't stand it....she has to either leave the room and not come back or she has to take them off!!!! I don't know how she does it...she claims it's her signature style but I suspect it's her way of fucking with me....she is a ginger after all. My husband has been known to wear different socks....they are similar in style but they will have a different color stripe on the toe...and yea well...I'm not having that shit....how on earth he can wear that all damn day long and not lose his mind is beyond me....I could never ever handle that...it would eat at me and I would have to take them off and burn them....then to top it off I would feel that the socks have stretched out my shoes differently...and I will never wear those again either.
I don't know how anyone in their right mind can wear those socks that look like gloves....that is a flippen torture device...I would die...I would hyperventilate, have a heart attack and die...having my toes not only totally surrounded by a sock but then all pushed together and shoved in a shoe....oh hell to the no!!!! Waterboard me instead....the glove/sock thing just is not gonna happen!
So...I don't know how this all became a problem for me...when I was a child I wore socks...because I was told to....I don't know if something happened and I got like a crazy ass blister or something...but I know it really started to amp up in my early 20's....and has gotten more intense as time went on...I guess it could be worse...but I admit it's kind of weird....all my issues are kind of on the weird side...I won't eat fruit that is cut into squares....rectangles and triangles are fine...just not squares...and I can't cut them to change the shape because I know that they were squares....I don't mind if other people munch on them...I don't start throwing the fruit away or anything...I just won't let the squares near my mouth. I blame the Del Monte fruit cups my Grandmother packed in my lunches...I either always spilled them on myself and looked like an idiot or I would end up cutting my knuckle on the metal lid...that shit in the cups was always friggen square shaped...so I just stay the hell away....
Don't judge me...you know deep down all ya'll have some weird fear...I know a girl that refuses to touch hamburger....she can handle every other kind of meat (lol that sounded dirty) just not ground beef....and I know another girl who has to have someone else take sweatshirts out of the washer because of the sound she thinks they make....so there...I am not the only messed up person on the planet....probably just the most weird one you know...and I can live with that....well gotta run...I have a bagel in the toaster and I need to make sure the cream cheese is put on just right or I feel the crunchy bagel edges will have a better chance at cutting my mouth....peace out!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Softer Side

So last night I was staying up waaaay tooooo late with my husband...no not doing anything naughty...I'm to damn pregnant for that...we were just relaxing and watching Conan O'Brien...my hubby loves him...I don't totally get his humor but I don't mind him...anyways...one of his guests was Seth Green...someone else my hubby thinks is awesomely funny...and I love just because of his crap movies like Can't Hardly Wait...sooo...Conan asks Seth if reads what people write about him on the Internet...and he goes into this spiel about how it's poison and people only write stuff on the internet to get others to tell them how smart they are or how funny they are and that these people possess no other skills...well when I thought about it...in my case..he's mostly right...I do love getting feedback it does make me feel good to have my friends say that I'm hilarious and well....other than changing diapers and making Pop Tarts...I really don't have any useful skills...so I totally fall into that category....now here's the deal....I am damn good at being an asshole and a negative Nelly...I find it to be therapeutic and funny...I'm just not really a silver lining type of girl....I don't mean any real harm with my writing (most of the time)...I just find the negative more amusing...however...I did look back and see that my stuff is sort of lacking anything I find positive in life (other than the whole thing about my husbands huge balls) so...I am going to share with you a list of 10 things that truly make me happy so that ya'll don't think I am pure piss and vinegar....now don't get all upset I'm not going to put stuff like; when my children smile and knowing God's love...that's all a given and I don't feel like getting all deep and emotional...I'm also not going with shock value like I normally do and talk about how my big yummy ass looks in boy shorts or getting mind blowing sex....that is also something that is a given...and this one time it's about getting to know the real me...so here goes!

01. Shamrock Shakes from McDonald's...I love them...I get all excited every year when they come out and I drink them at least 2 times day for a week and when they are out I'm actually sad for about 3 days.

02. Pedicures....I love to have my feet done...I'm not all about getting my fingernails all spiffed up or facials...but a pedicure...that will keep me smiling for days!

03. Naps...being able to sleep during the day is awesome...the warm sunlight coming in...some peace and quiet when it would normally be crazy...ahhh...yep finding a treasured quiet time to sleep during the day is like a little mini vacation!

04. The movie Varsity Blues....I know the whole thing by heart and if it's on I can't not watch...I know it's horrible acting etc...but it always puts me in a great mood!!

05. Airplanes....I love planes...I like looking at them, I like hearing them, I love being in them...the thrill of take off..the sleep I get while in the air...airplanes are my favorite form of transportation!

06. Halloween...the smell of the candle burning in the pumpkins, seeing the children all dressed up in costumes and passing out candy...all make for the coolest holiday ever!!!

07. The song Steal My Sunshine by Len, it's a weird little ditty that was popular in my early 20's...it still puts me in a fun bouncy mood and I love when it gets airplay!

08. Wearing my boxers and hubby's t-shirts....nothing more comfortable in the whole world!

09. The smell of a night blooming jasmine plant....sweet and lovely...automatically makes me smile....I've tried buying jasmine scented perfumes and air fresheners....but they are not the same as the plant itself...it's truly just a relaxing smell.

10. Video clips of cats and kittens doing silly things....I can't resist a little furball playing on a piano or a giant fat cat trying to chase a toy....cats make me smile...and they are always doing something goofy...fine family entertainment!

There...see..I can be somewhat normal and appreciate the small things in life....and believe it or not there are a few more...but a girl has to have a few secrets and I prefer ya'll knowing the more cynical me....so this will be all the happy go lucky sharing I do with you. Now if you will excuse me I need to go put my hair in a side pony and lip sync a Tiffany song into my hairbrush....then maybe I will watch guys get hit in the nuts on YouTube. Peace out my homies...I hope your bubble of the evil me has not been burst...

Friday, November 13, 2009

Checkup....checkout...check what?!

Well...I got to end my week on a high note....a visit to the OB/GYN...just to check my weight and measure my belly..nothing too crazy. I got there about 5 minuets early...and proceeded to wait about 35 minuets in their lovely yet very uncomfortable chairs untill they called me back...where of course they asked me to pee in a cup...however they were out of their normal collection cups and had these teeny tiny little water cups...like the size of jello shot holders....um...I am fucking 8 months pregnant....I can barley get my hand around my belly to hold the cup to begin with and now you think I can aim pee into that damn thing?! Needless to say I pissed all over my fucking hand....awesome....I go to wash my hands....and the soap they have has aloe in it....which to most is nice...but to me is deadly...I am allergic to aloe...sweet...oh well...urine is sterile...but just to be a dick I didn't wipe the cup off before sticking it into the little door in the wall...ha ha ha ha!!!! Don't get your panties in a bunch and think I'm mean....hello it's a little pee...these bitches look at crotches for a living...do you really think a bit of pee is the worst thing they touch all day? Anyways....the whores got me back...they left me sitting in the over heated room on the most uncomfortable table for another 20 minuets....while talking about what they were going to order for lunch....I hope whatever they ordered was cooked badly and they spend the weekend shitting themselves...anyways I was then informed that I needed to get my asshole swabed....really...are you serious??? I have had two other children and have never had my chocolate doughnut prodded by a giant q-tip...wtf...well..whatever....joke is on them...it took her some hedge clippers and a GPS to get to it cuz I have not gardened in like 2 months....and my ground cover is running wild...bye the way I Googled that anal probe thing when I got home and it's legit....so I won't be sending them a bill for 700.00...that's the going rate for an ass jump in my town...well...I shouldn't complain too much...my next visit will be worse...I get to have my cervix checked...nothing better than feeling like your being stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey....and then thunked on a place that should only be tapped by your hubby during some crazy drunk animal planet activities. Peace out...enjoy your evening...I'm going to shower and try to find a support group to help me through this emotional ordeal.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

No Nookie :(

uuuhhhhhh....so I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy...thank god...and I gotta say....it's not all that comforting....people lie...I just saw a magazine cover with that weird looking Kardashian girl saying "I love being pregnant"....she has got to be full of shit....who loves being pregnant???? I can't even get laid....I tried....mostly because it helps induce labor...but my holy cannoli is so friggen swollen from the baby weight that I can't enjoy cunnilingus and when I tried to crawl on top of my hubby so I could at least rub my happy patch on his pleasure pogo I pulled a muscle in my right leg....yelled out in pain and rolled off yelping like a yorkie that just got kicked with stilettos...needless to say the mood was ruined and I cried myself to sleep....such bullshit..
Oh...a note to all you jerkfucks that like to make fun of me...I can't help the fact that I waddle...there are several reasons for that by the way....for one...my hips hurt...alot.....two, it helps keep the pee in....three, I can't fucking see where I am walking so I find the side to side method safer....so no more penguin jokes please....I know plenty of people that walk funny and you very rarely see me point it out to their face...why be so effin rude to me?????
Oh my god...ya'll wanna know something odd??? When I poop my belly button pops out...back and forth like one of those squeeze dolls who's eyes jump out when you squish it....and that's the only time it happens..I've tried all sorts of stuff to make it come out...but nothing...how weird right? It freaked my toddler out...her eyes got all big and she yelled out "yucky mommy button broken"...so I make sure to keep my belly covered when she's in the bathroom with me...that's never happened with the other pregnancies....but at least my nips don't leak when I sneeze like they did last time....this time around it's only when I lay on them...then I get to peel my t-shirt off of them in the morning...which makes them all fuzzy....lol..they look like little spice drops....it sounds kinda hot but it's really not....in fact I find it disturbing....almost as disturbing as the new stretch mark I got that goes through my tattoo...it's some sort of tribal eye thing (back from my early 20's when I thought tribal crap was cool...so sad...thank the lord Tom is the only one who really sees it) and now it looks like I have Scarface on my belly....wicked hot right?
Well gotta go....I need to go chow down on Prilosec and grape KoolAid....the only things that get me through the night...ah...I miss the days of gin, cigars and great sex...now it's ice packs on my back and 25 minuets of adjusting pillows the right way just so I can realize I need to piss for 17th time....I'm about to say screw it and get a catheter...oh hell yea...nothing says sexy like a big bag of pee! Peace out!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Sporty Spice....

As of late my moods have been swinging in just full force...I have 6 weeks left till push time and I am a friggen wreck!!! However after a few meltdowns the other day and some kind words from my darling hubby and wonderful friends I chilled out a bit, took a bath and decided to watch some TV. I LOVE this newer show called Tosh.O...it's great...it's pretty much like the show Web Soup...not to be confused with The Soup with Joel McHale...I love him...he's friggen hysterical...and then there's The Dish on the Style channel with that girl from that show...she sucks but the show is good.....then I think there is a Sports Soup with the Go To Guy from Clean House....I don't really watch that one...not because I don't like the host...but I really don't know when it's on and I am not that into sports...don't get me wrong...I love me some Gator football...but Tim Tebow has a lot to do with that....and I watch some of the NFL games but not enough to really know whats going on other than Farve is collecting social security and still playing....whatever...but all in all I don't understand most sports and well...I don't care to. If there is no physical contact I really don't care to watch....it's boring....like golf...wtf...golf is the most stupid thing I have ever heard of....now I know lots of you love it....good for you...I just don't get it....a guy with a tiny shiny stick hits a tiny little ball from one patch of grass to another...big friggen deal. They don't have cool uniforms...no...they wear super cute sweater vests and nifty visors....bleh...and to top it off when they sink the put or whatever the hell the scoring is...the crowd just does a little clap...no one wearing head to toe paint jumps up and yells....no one does the wave....there is no band playing Final Countdown...and I'm suppose to get all amped up about this?! Golf was invented by douche bags that don't want to cut the grass on a Saturday....and by guys who think they look sexy in Dockers....I mean who really wants to go stand outside in hot weather and play with shafts and little balls??? Loser husbands that have a bit of gay curiosity that's who!!!!! The only saving grace that golf has is that Justin Timberlake plays it....I don't know why but he does and I love him so I will refrain from saying any further evil things about golf...BUT just so you know...guys...wives of men who play golf know what the 411 is and that is why they invented book clubs....we don't really give a fuck about the new Nora Roberts...we are drinking margaritas and getting lap dances from the stripper we hired that's dressed like a firefighter (you know a real man not some polo wearing golf cart renting half flaccid a-hole). So every time you are out playing with your sticks and stones with your buddies....remember rock hard covered in baby oil Cody dressed as Tom Cruise from Top Gun is rubbing is ding ding in your wife's face. Sweet dreams :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Words To The Not So Wise

The next jerkoff that asks me "When are you due?" and then says something like...oh that's not that long or that's right around the corner....is going to get two black eyes. Why would you say something so awful???? I guess since they don't have to carry around a 20 pound lump or have breast leakage they think the third trimester is all fun and games. Guess what doucheface....it's not fun and everyday feels like 5 long painful days....while you are getting your solid 8 hours of peaceful sleep I am crying into my pillow with the worst heartburn known to man and while I stumble to bathroom for the 13th friggen time I drop to the ground with a Braxton Hicks contraction....then I get to clean up the pee I left on the floor....did I mention the sciatica....yea good times...really speeds the day up.
Oh and when I say something like...I am so ready to have this baby...don't give me some stupid speech about how it wouldn't be good for the baby to born right now....um...I already know this...you ass hat...and I just meant that I was ready....I didn't mean the baby was....it's like when you say...If I don't get my Starbucks I'm just going to die.....you are not going to die....unless you say one more annoying thing to me.....I miss coffee....there is no point to decaf so don't even suggest it....but I'm sure you will since you seem to be an asshole....how about you wear weird giant underwear...not get any sleep...have strange things happen to your skin and not be able to wear shoes due to extremely swollen toes and see if you want to drink decaf coffee....I hate you and your damn latte.....I hope the cashier spit in it for extra foam.
Now....stop asking me if I am having twins and laughing like you are some sort of comic genius....I get it...I'm fat as hell...but I don't need your sarcastic ass making jokes about it....do you really think I enjoy not seeing my own toddler if she is standing next to me??? Do you think I wear jeans with a giant stretchy band for style??? I don't point out your crooked nose or your chicken legs or the weird birthmark....you know why??? Because I only use the evil bitch card when provoked....not for shits and giggles....however you keep the nasty humor up and I will beat the shit out of you and then giggle all the way home.
Whew....I feel better now.....it amazes me how just a little venting can cheer me right up.....that and cake....and yes I will have my cake before dinner....otherwise I may stab the neighbor for turning around in my driveway again...it makes the dogs bark and I have had a constant headache from the moment the sperm hit the egg....so just pass the cake and walk the hell away. Hugs!!!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I'm A Lita Ford Wannabe

I have decided on a new goal....first...I want to have this baby.....and then by this time next year get into shape....well as good as this fat, stretched out body can get....I have not really been in good physical condition since 1995....and I know there are few things that won't get back to normal...but I'm not concerned that's nothing a little duct tape and some bungee cords can't hide. Anyways...once back to a weight that is safe for elevators and park benches I'm going to the other coast and having my girl Nicole (www.nicolepattersonhairandmakeup.com & www.betheblushingbride.com) do a total 80's glam rock makeover....complete with photo shoot....yep...I want to look like the chicks from Vixen......big hair, way too much makeup, high heels with leg warmers and leather stretch pants. Why the 80's you ask....because the sex symbols of this day and age just suck....there is no imagination behind the hotness....ultra blonde hair, knee high socks and a voice like a child prostitute....yea that's right I'm talking about The Girls Next Door....and let's face it....a vag flash is not sexy....it's trashy.....not that I don't enjoy a few trashy moments....but sometimes I would rather be craved and not just jacked off to...plus if Paris Hilton has done it....well then I just don't want anything to do with it....she's what made me hate chihuahuas....ok I don't hate chihuahuas....but I won't carry one on the red carpet....which in my world means parent pickup.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


This is the first of many of an awsome mom who keeps plugging away and never gives up. She endures a whiney but loveable 2 year old, an overbearing husband who loves her every fiber and a bitchy but awsome tween. And on top of all this shes pregnant again!!!!!!!