The next jerkoff that asks me "When are you due?" and then says something like...oh that's not that long or that's right around the corner....is going to get two black eyes. Why would you say something so awful???? I guess since they don't have to carry around a 20 pound lump or have breast leakage they think the third trimester is all fun and games. Guess what doucheface....it's not fun and everyday feels like 5 long painful days....while you are getting your solid 8 hours of peaceful sleep I am crying into my pillow with the worst heartburn known to man and while I stumble to bathroom for the 13th friggen time I drop to the ground with a Braxton Hicks contraction....then I get to clean up the pee I left on the floor....did I mention the sciatica....yea good times...really speeds the day up.
Oh and when I say something like...I am so ready to have this baby...don't give me some stupid speech about how it wouldn't be good for the baby to born right now....um...I already know this...you ass hat...and I just meant that I was ready....I didn't mean the baby was....it's like when you say...If I don't get my Starbucks I'm just going to die.....you are not going to die....unless you say one more annoying thing to me.....I miss coffee....there is no point to decaf so don't even suggest it....but I'm sure you will since you seem to be an asshole....how about you wear weird giant underwear...not get any sleep...have strange things happen to your skin and not be able to wear shoes due to extremely swollen toes and see if you want to drink decaf coffee....I hate you and your damn latte.....I hope the cashier spit in it for extra foam.
Now....stop asking me if I am having twins and laughing like you are some sort of comic genius....I get it...I'm fat as hell...but I don't need your sarcastic ass making jokes about it....do you really think I enjoy not seeing my own toddler if she is standing next to me??? Do you think I wear jeans with a giant stretchy band for style??? I don't point out your crooked nose or your chicken legs or the weird birthmark....you know why??? Because I only use the evil bitch card when provoked....not for shits and giggles....however you keep the nasty humor up and I will beat the shit out of you and then giggle all the way home.
Whew....I feel better now.....it amazes me how just a little venting can cheer me right up.....that and cake....and yes I will have my cake before dinner....otherwise I may stab the neighbor for turning around in my driveway again...it makes the dogs bark and I have had a constant headache from the moment the sperm hit the egg....so just pass the cake and walk the hell away. Hugs!!!