Happy Happy Joy Joy...Not So Much

Ever have a bad person day?? A day when you are unusually shitty? I am kind of dickhead most of the time but even I have super crap moments....like this morning. I ran (drove....not ran...my fat ass hasn't moved faster then a slight jog in 6 years) to a store to grab some pull ups and a few things for dinner....as I am strolling along, looking at the cute stuff in the girls department I step on my own foot....not just a little tap....like I slammed down on my right foot like it was a fucking cockroach!!!! It hurt really really bad and I yelped out in pain....however...instead of saying something like OUCH....I screamed, SON OF A FUCK!!!! Yep....it was loud and awful....but that wasn't the really bad part. As I was trying to compose myself some little snarky girl decided to tell me that I said a bad word....and since I was already a little aggravated I sort of told her "yes, yes I did and you know what else?? Santa hates prissy little shits." .... her mom gasped, grabbed her daughter and walked off...which was great because I fully deserved an ass beating....at least I got to continue my shopping without a bloody nose....
Then what I hate the most happened...bad customer service...the cashier decided to talk to her loser boyfriend the entire time I was at the register....so in retaliation once she was done I told her that I did not want paper bags and that she need to rebag them. She looked at me like a was the biggest bitch in the world....so I mentioned to the lady behind me that if she had been doing her job instead of mingling with the scumbag next to her I would have been able to relay that information sooner. So she switched the bags out and in a sarcastic tone told me to have a nice day....I smiled....and told her "and you try not to breed". (I just know her idiot boyfriend in the pot leaf hoodie is still trying to figure out what that means)
Oh...wait....one last not so nice thing on this shopping adventure...as I am loading my things into the car some fucknut parks his car and turns on his blinker....I guess he wanted my spot....which was dumb because I was in the back of the lot...maybe it was sentimental or something....like the fist place he whacked off to a Victoria's Secret catalogue or something....but it annoyed me....so I finished unloading the cart...then returned the cart to cart holder thing....stopped and gave the still waiting douchebag a thumbs up...got in my car...started to pull out then....pulled back in. Did this about 3 more times till he honked....that's when I shut the car off....got out and told him suck my dick ( while making an awful gesture that I am not going to describe to you because it was not in anyway shape or form something anyone should ever do) He finally left. I did too....feeling oddly great....some days you just need to be a prick. I fully believe it keeps me from stabbing people in the kidney with an ice pick. Now, go be a shitface to someone....you just might be saving a life. Peace Out!

We Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

So my teen is having a birthday in a few days and I've been running around buying her stuff and hiding it...keeping the smaller kids from finding it etc. I'm sitting here trying to figure out time to wrap all her crap up when it hit me....this is fucking bullshit...why am I giving this kid gifts??? What the hell did she do??? She's on this earth because I did something....why am I not getting the gifts???? I carried her for 9 months....heartburn....sore back....stretch marks only to deliver her in 20 min...and in that 20 minuets not only did I experience the most god awful pain the universe has to offer but I ruined my beautiful vagina....why am I giving her gifts for that???? That girl is only alive because I am waiting for her to get knocked up (someday like 38 years from now) so she can cry to me how her boobs hurt and she's gassy....hahahhahahahahahahahahaha that's right fucker....now you know....so until that day I think she should give ME presents on her birthday...to thank me for not sticking her in the recycle bin.
Well....we all know that is never going to happen....and knowing her...she will adopt so she won't ruin her figure....so in the mean time I gotta run to Target and get wrapping paper....that she won't notice or realize I put time, thought and money into untill the glorious day she has kids....I can't fucking wait. Peace Out!

Here..Let Me Help You Get That Stick Out Of Your Butt

I hate uptight people....ok...that's not nice...but I strongly dislike them. I understand that there are some people who are always going to be a big ball of constipation but I firmly believe that most people just need to fart (figuratively and literally) and try to let go.

I also believe that certain people in certain professions and areas of life need to get a sense of humor. If you are Clergy, law enforcement, a mother, a drive thru attendant or a gynecologists you need to not be a serious asshole all of the time.

Let's start with mothers....this should not even need to be said but if you have kids and can't see the funny in finding poop on the floor and not knowing where it came from...you need to adopt out your kids....life happens....can we have rules, hard days and meltdowns??? For sure....but take off the pearls June C. and slip on some sweatpants....enjoy the ride.

Drive thru workers at any of my fast food places....I'm sorry you can't hear me very well over the screaming of my spawn that are demanding chocolate milk and chicken nuggets but getting pissy with me when I am obviously at my wits end is only going to get you pelted in the face with my empty Starbucks cup....oh and I e-mail corporate for good customer service and I make phone call for bad service so just laugh at the fact that my life at the moment is fucked up and throw in some extra ketchup.

Clergy, you want to help guide me and my family down a path of spiritual awesomeness and have me reveal my deep dark secrets....yet you can't find humor or leeway in my fully dysfunctional life....no one wants to be sinking ship full of crap but life fucks up....get off your high horse and be my friend....not a dick.

Law enforcement....I get it....lots of assholes out there...but when you pull me over and you see that I have mismatched flip flops on in winter and a sucker in my hair can you just drop the tone and hand me my ticket???? I am already having bad day...BTW I do appreciate you...

Gynos....ok this is my least fav thing to do. I do not look forward to going into your office once a year for my...make sure I don't have cancer or an alien baby growing in my lady place checkup. Then you to ask all sorts of questions like am I a whore, have I banged a chick, do I do meth etc etc followed by you to then shoving a cold evil toucan like instrument in my tunnel of love and stab at it with a cotton swab the size of Oregon! So when you sit there asking...are you sexually active...and I reply....only every other Friday....you need to fucking laugh god damn it!!!!! I am in a paper gown that is too small...I cut my whoo hah trying to trim it up and now we are about to have you go in wrist deep (I don't even let my husband do that) and you can't have a sense of humor to lighten the tension???? I'm going to start going in drunk from now on....see how you like me then you snotty bitch.

Ok I need to go calm down...that one got me a little perturbed....I'm gonna go put on my sushi costume from Halloween and strike up some conversation with some old folks at the library. Have a great day...remember to laugh a little...even if it's at me. Peace Out!

New Meaning To American Pickers

So you know that feeling when you're asleep but you sense someone standing next to you?? I had that the other day and I was sure it was a murderer...now normally I would jump and yell but for some reason I decided to just peek open one eye and get a quick glimpse of the culprit (I figured it was my first husband) but now instead I find my child standing there with her finger in my face....to top it off the finger had a giant booger on it....after my heart slowed down and I realized that I was not getting chopped into pieces I asked her..."um, whatcha doing sweetie??" She replied...."I want a Capri Sun and to show you this huge booger I found in my nose"! I layed there for a second and decided that this is probably not going to be the grossest moment of my day....told her to go wipe her extraordinary booger off of her finger and I would go get her a drink. I head off to the kitchen only to realize no on had let the dogs out so I swing the doors wide open and shove them out....taking a moment to bask in what seems to be a lovely day....but then I notice my annoying neighbor staring at me as she is sweeping her sidewalk for what I bet is the already the 3rd time today....she kind of has a look on her face like...what on earth???...I look down at myself to see that yes....I'm a crazy hot mess...I am wearing my husbands underwear and an old, very holey t-shirt....my god I am a vision. I know she must think that I do drugs and since I have had no coffee yet my inner thoughts and what really is going on are not distinguishable and I yell out....I DON'T DO DRUGS! Between being embarrassed about my attire and my new found Turrets Syndrome I quickly turn to go into the house but the god damn screen door decides to slam against my ankle causing me to fall and swear very loudly....something like....slutty ho bag skank...which I realize all mean pretty much the same thing...but it was early...what do you want from me???? So now I'm just laying there on my kitchen floor....trying to gather my composure and all I can do is wonder when was the last time I mopped this area....feeling yucky and sorry for myself I start to sit up and my hubby calls....(yes I almost always have my cell in hand...what if I get a FB notification or something?????) As we talk for a few seconds I decide to redo my ponytail/messy bun thing that I always sport and I find a gummy bear in my mother fucking hair....seriously????? I pull it out and toss it at the garbage can...miss....go figure....then I realize my husband is talking all naughty...lol....at this moment in time it would be less nasty for him to bang a toothless prostitute lol. We hang up and I close my eyes, take a deep breath and think...If I could just have 5 minuets of peace and a quick shower....I will be ok.....I open my eyes to find my child standing there with her finger in my face saying...."I found another booger mom...where is my Capri Sun?"....and that was just the first 4 minuets of my day. Gotta go....I'm giving a lecture on Digging For Gold Etiquette and then finding some clothes that look a little less meth addict and a bit more...well anything else. Peace Out!

Look What I Made!!!!

Wicked Lens imaging - photographer,Darryl Sposato - model, hair/makeup/fx - Nicole Werner, www.nicolepattersonhairandmakeup.com & Lucky me I got to make the wardrobe for this awesome set of people!!!! Thanks to my talented friend Nicole (the makeup artist) for giving me the opportunity!

A Star Waiting To Shine

Not so long ago I was told that being a mother was how I defined myself....I was insulted....now don't get me wrong I love my children and yes they take up almost all of my life right now and in ways always will but it's not how I define myself. I hate when people who do not know me at all think I have nothing else going on in my brain other than diapers and and fruit snacks. Have I lost a little bit of what I thought I would be? yea but hey when I was 10 I thought I was going to be a pilot....so things change...big deal. Other than being a mom I happen to be a wife...a wife that sucks at cooking, hates folding laundry and forces my husband to watch Project Runway but I have my cool moments too..those might be few and far between but I know I have them!
I am a friend....maybe not a great friend...I tend to be a bit catty, jealous and bitchy... but I think that if I got hit by a bus that at least 4 people would be really sad.
I am sort of creative....I like to write, craft, sew and just be a silly shit....the things that pop into my head may be a little weird but I am very rarely boring....I like having whimsy...life is full of serious moments, hard times and bad things....I just don't believe that there is no room for laughter in between all of that.
I also have goals....I really want to be on Dancing With The Stars.....yes I know to be on that show you should be "famous"....I'm still working on that too....it's a lot harder then I thought....I am good at being infamous....but the famous part is more difficult then I thought. I just don't get how the Kardashians are celebs but I am not....I refuse to get ass implants and have a porn tape just to be a B list celebrity....wait...I am willing to get the ass implants....but the porn is out....no one wants to see that....not even me...bleh. So my hope is that somewhere I get to save someone's life....like someone tries to rob Steven Tyler and I come up out of nowhere and get all MMA on their ass....Steven takes me to dinner to thank me....he decides I am awesome and blogs about me....next think you know I am doing a few talk shows....the world falls in love with me....I get my own show on FX or HBO and then I am asked to be on Dancing With The Stars. This is also how I lose all my weight and get asked to pose in Playboy...which I turn down even though I am so flattered.....did I mention my Emmy????
Ok enough about me and my bigger picture...I gotta go find my daughter's dance shoes and make a list for the store...can't forget the Capri Suns! Don't be jealous of my future glamour.....I won't forget the people that got me there and I for sure won't forget the bitch that told me being a mom is all I am.....I will send her a gift basket of dirty diapers and an autograph Dear Asshole, Suck On This. Love Always, ME! Peace Out!

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Wood

You know you have a problem when you steal from your own friends.....no I'm not talking about drugs.....yes drugs are a problem just not my problem...I'm talking about crafts. I am a craft head....ha ha get??? like crack head but crafts....not funny? Ok..on to my story....
Last night I hit a new low in my quest for craft supplies.... We were invited over to a friends house for the first time and they live in the most beautiful area, great house, surrounded by trees and that's where I stopped looking....as of late I have needed twigs and branches for craft projects and I do not have any trees....so while outside of my friend's home I started wandering around looking for branches on the ground to take....however they clean their yard and I could not find any....I got to the front of their home and found this awesome birch tree...I shook the tree, nothing fell....I kicked the tree, nothing fell so I jumped up and grabbed a branch....totally not expecting to break off I didn't brace myself and to my surprise the branch snapped right off and came falling down to the ground....and so did my ass....quickly trying to recover before my friends decide to come find me I shot up to my feet only to hear their neighbor across the street chuckling at me :/ ......that wasn't the worst part...now I had to get into my mini van. I open the back door and hastily started to shove it in...but it caught on my stroller and stabbed me in my boob!!!! Now I'm holding my wounded funbag and yelping out cuss words only to once again hear the neighbor chuckle at me....I finally get the lengthy branch in my vehicle and head inside.....realizing the easily humored neighbor would tell them what I did I decided to fess up....luckily they found it funny and didn't ask me to leave. However if I do ever get invited back I am bringing some gardening gloves and a saw! Well better go... I'm off to make some masterpieces with my stolen wood....let's hope getting it out of my van is easier then it was getting it in! Peace Out!

What Not To Wear...Ever....

So...I took my teen shopping the other day...some back to school stuff and some special event stuff. After hours of dressing room waiting and some really bad cheese fries I decide to pop into Macy's and buy myself something cute....but after seeing what they have decided is fashionable for fattys right now I decided that the buyer for Macy's is a fucking nutcase! Um...did you know that PONCHOS are suppose to be super hot right now??? Really??? Fat people are now so worthless you can't even sew clothes for us? You just wrap me in an eighty dollar tarp and call it a day? No one ever says Hey...look at that hot bitch in the poncho...its more like....Hey look at that tent coming at us! ... Ponchos are not a good idea people...its like putting a Kleenex on a dog turd and saying it's an accessory....
I think designers are making fun of us....you know what else I saw? Backless blouses....stupid fuck...yea everyone wants to see my back fat rolls and my bra....we chunky chicks cannot go sans bra or our gross boobies will come tumbling down and out the bottom of out shirts...well not straight down...like down and to the side...it's just not pretty... and trying to pack all that shit into a backless shirt wouldn't be either....
...and what is with the teeny tiny jackets?? I know it's all the rage for the size negative 2 crowd but um...the rest of us look like idiots...as if my chunk isn't spilling out all over the place as it is you want me to put on a jacket that is too small to emphasize it?? It's fucked up that my options are a child's size coat or a poncho.....me thinks that designers be smoking toooo much whacky cracky.....
Oh...and stop putting these clothes on" plus size models"....they consider a size 10 with a big ass plus size which means it does not translate to a size 24! Go find real fat people...there are plenty of us.....oh...why is the plus size section so small???? There are more chubby chicas willing to pay to for cute clothes and yet in a 3 story department store we get all of 5 racks....this makes no sense....
I give up....I'm destined to wear sweatpants and spanx everywhere I go....it's as sad as the boring salad I will be eating for dinner...in a small effort to see my waistline again. Thank God I'm pretty....I feel for the fat girls who have unfortunate faces....ok....totally kidding....we are all pretty with the lights off! Peace Out!

Forever Foiled

More venting...healthy eating sucks dick. A few of my currently dieting friends are so much better at the happy outlook of the lifestyle change....but me..no so much....I still hate water and every time I drink a glass of it I am convinced a sweet little bunny dies....and I still eat like a lot but like I said I am trying to replace my normal snacks with better for me options....and it is still feels like a kick in the ear. Like today I made a batch of cookie dough for my kids to cut a and decorate...and it said chill for at least one hour....ok...well I let it chill for 3 fucking hours and guess what...when I got it out of the fridge it was too sticky to work with (did I mention that I am unable to cook or bake?) and I felt all pissed off and defeated....now normally I would have just covered the cookie dough in chocolate syrup and eaten it all with a big wooden spoon while watching Sweet Home Alabama...but instead I broke out one of my fat free, low cal yogurts....woo hoo...much better choice right? Um...no! I was dying for some delish stress relief and instead...well....I ripped the lid off and went to lick the little dollop stuck to the bottom of it (cuz that's the best part) and.....I cut my tongue on the foil :( .... really???? was that necessary???
So now I'm pissed, injured and sad...I feel like an abused pet....I just wanna say fuck it, drink a bottle of gin, smoke a pack of Capri ultra lights and get into a bar fight. But...instead I'm chewing gum and getting my laundry off the line....it's equally pathetic to what I'd rather be doing but the chance of getting arrested is slightly less...I say slightly cuz of all the cursing and kicking of laundry baskets around the yard.....so....does anyone know if lipo is cheaper in Mexico???? Peace out!

Banana Blue Balls

Dieting....it's something I have tried on and off since my 5th grade year...but it wasn't until my 20s that I had to shop in special sections of the store and not till this last year (in my very early 30s) that I now have to shop at special stores....so after noticing that my very forgiving yoga pants were no longer giving... I decided to try the diet thing again....but this time instead of saying I can't have food I am just going to replace it with healthier options....you see I am an emotional eater....not a stress eater...and emotional one...so every emotion...happy, sad, pissed, horny etc etc etc....that's a lot of cupcakes and brownies....but my number one love is cake!
I have been on this new diet all of one day and I already hate it..get this shit....I found yet another area in the house that needs major fixing and I got all frustrated/upset and wanted nothing more than to face fuck a giant marble cake with buttercream frosting....but no...I grabbed a banana...yea me right? errr....not so much....I peel it..sink to the floor and devour it...and was left feeling like a teenage girl in the back of car who just gave her boyfriend a handjob...23 seconds of whacking and left with nothing but a mess in my hand and my bra still on....it was soooo unsatisfying and lame...Now I'm even more upset...so I took to reading blogs about what to do...and some stupid bitch was all like...instead of eating a whole box of cookies just eat a half of a cookie....really?? A half of a cookie...that's like giving a half of a blow job...it's doesn't get the job done...it just teases the fuck out of you and leaves you ready to die!
Another blog said instead of eating the snack try doing something active in the amount of time it would have taken you to eat the snack....ok...I like it....not a long commitment to exercise...cuz I hate that crap and maybe just maybe it will work....hmmm...not so much...I was watching a show with the kids and that horrible commercial with the abused pets comes on...and they are just looking at you with those big,sad eyes like save me....I get all sad and head to the kitchen...then remembering I was suppose to do something active I panicked and tried to do jumping jacks....well...I flailed like and idiot for half a second and accidentally kicked my dog...which caused her and me to yelp plus the bounce made a frying pan fall off the dish rack and hit me in my ass....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? ......................Once again there I am...on the kitchen floor...frying pan in one hand....banana in the other...crying and wondering if lipo is cheaper in Mexico....Peace Out.

Cute Popsicle Bunting!

Well my pre schooler is brilliant....I was sitting on the couch with a bunch of popsicle sticks and she asked me what I was doing...so I said I was trying to think of something fun to do with them and she said...MOM!!!!! Make Popsicles!!!....yep she is brilliant.






So I cut out popsicle shapes (freehand obviously) from a well worked (that means old) shirt box. Then I let her paint and decorate them....She loves her some glitter :)







Then we glued the sticks to the back (I used tacky glue but Elmers or hot glue would work just fine) and then we glued some string we found in the basement across the backs of all of the popsicles and hung them up across the kitchen windows.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE it....we had a ton of fun and it turned out to be a great summer decoration.

Jerkalicious

Just had a...I Hate Myself Moment.....I turned into exactly what I resent....the boring voice of reason. There is not much that I love more then to get all fired up over something really stupid....I like to Tweet evil shit about whatever/whoever pissed me off...I like to talk on and on to my husband about the wrongs of it and I like to post obscenities all over my blog about it....and just when my juices are flowing and I'm feeling all excited and happy about my retaliation some "boring" asshole comes along to poo poo it...they tell me it's no big deal...no need to be so upset etc etc and then I fucking hate them! Well....just today I crapped on a friends thunder...now I feel like a big douche. You know life gets so routine and day to day and sometimes all we have is the little battles...it makes us feel alive and real....and after a day of diapers and dinner dishes my ranting is all I have to make me feel important....and I took that away from someone.... I'm pretty much a dickhead...so to my fellow fighter of dumbshit....I'm sorry and will proceed to go fuck myself....and not in a fun way. Peace Out!

Emmy Plegmy

Anyone else see the Emmy noms??? Most my fav shows got little to no attention....well ok not true, Game Of Thrones, True Blood & Boardwalk Empire all got some well deserved nods...I noticed Project Runway and Raising hope got a glance but it's obvious that this year it's all about Glee...not that I don't like Glee...I do....but it's a filler...something to watch when awesome shows are not on...I guess my tastes suck..I don't care for Mad Men (which I thought I would love) or 30 Rock, The Office and I'm even sick of House....Oh and wtf Idol??? Really...that was such a huge crash and burn and yet there it is all over the nomination list. Where in the hell was Sons Of Anarchy? No Chelsea Lately either....I really need to start my own award show....Best Fucked Up Marriage goes to Sister Wives, Best Gator Murder.... Swamp People, The Coolest Bitch Beatdown....Maggie Siff of SOA.....etc etc...I will call it The SPL Awards (Shit People Like).....all the Gleeks of the world can watch The Emmys and all the dicks can watch my show. We all know I will still watch The Emmys....I'm an award show junkie...but there will be a lot of pissy tweets streaming....Who nominated that dork? #EmmyAwards2011...Shut Up I hate your show #EmmyAwards2011...Where's the nip slip? #EmmyAwards2011. Peace Out

Shake Shake Shake Senora

So I've been trying to find salt and pepper shakers that I like but since I'm cheap I just can't bring myself to spend 15.00 or more on shakers....and since I hate pepper I don't use them all that often....we do have a set but they are friggen tiny and need to be refilled like every use....so while hunting in the dollar store for items to decorate a tropical hat with I found some nice sized shakers....so for a buck I had to get them....however they were clear and boring.....but not for long :)




I started off by sanding and taping them....





Then I sprayed them gold.....






I Mod Podged some feathers (that I always have in my stash) on top and finished off with a clear coat. These are much more fun :)

I Got Bank!

We've been keeping all the spare change in a plastic baggy....which works just fine but me needing to do a quick craft before my head exploded decided to turn an empty formula can into a coin bank. It took like no time and cost me nothing...I had all the stuff on hand in my craft stash....I put a little slit in the lid, took the wrapper off the can and decorated it with napkin...gotta love Mod Podge!!!!!





Don't mind the salt and pepper shakers....that's another project I'm working on....

Puppy Power

I've been the proud owner of a black lab puppy for like and hour and a half and already I am going nuts....that little fucker has already marked my fridge and pulled the towels off the clothes line....really?????? Ugh...now I knew puppies were a pain in the ass and all but god damn it leave my fucking laundry alone (I hate doing it to begin with much less having to do extra)...and if I slip in a puddle of piss while trying to fill up my glass of wine someone will get neutered at home :/ This is all my fault anyways....I've been having moments where I want another baby so I decided to get a puppy instead (dumbass)....but hey he's here and cute as balls so I'm sure we can work it out....and at least this way I can still have some drinkies..plus I can toss his ass outside when he gets on my last nerve...can't really do that with small children...social services frowns on that...wish me luck! Peace Out!

Suckers!!!

Blow jobs....what's the deal ladies??? Why are you against sucking a little dick (pun intended)...I get it....this day & age there are nasty cooties all over the place so no, you are not just gonna go bobbing for penis on just any man...yucky....but in a happy committed relationship why are so many women still so afraid of tongue slapping their man's mini me? You prudes are stupid....BJs have a lot of power....oh wait did you expect me to tell you how they bring you closer to your partner via increased sexual pleasure???? Well it can and that's nice and all BUT if you are smart it will get you out of nights when you don't feel like having regular intercourse and if you are lucky....a quick one in the parking lot of the local mall will score you a new pair of shoes (maybe even some perfume). They say the pen is mightier then the sword....so is knob gobbling....suck that sword hard and proud for a few minuets (well maybe longer if you haven't had much practice) and you will have more power than you ever dreamed of....ever have a man come home after a night out with the boys and he's all ready to go "whispering" all sorts of stupid crap (your boobs are like little kegs of beer...or.. you know I'm sexy lets do me) and smelling like they rolled in fried mushrooms and Jack Daniels??? Yea a fast and easy way to get him to pass out is to suck his dick.....then when he wakes up in the morning not only will he think you are amazing and understanding but he won't give you shit when you ask him to cut the grass. (Lucky me my hubby is not dumb enough to come home like that...and he still cuts the grass). What about nights when you've stayed up late watching some Lifetime movie and your man thinks it's time to get all steamy but you just wanna go to bed... blow him.....you don't even have to take off your jammies and in 3 minuets you are fast asleep my friend ...and for you not to take advantage of this is straight up helmet wearing retarded. I know some women find it gross....um....hello...I'd rather get to rinse my mouth out with some Listerine for a few seconds then have that stuff dripping down my leg for hours or wake up to find the rubber still floating in the toilet....eeewwww. Plus...if you give him a little head from time to time they are more then willing to give you some too....not that men ever seem to really need motivation for that....most men can't wait to eat out at the sushi bar....which brings me to another point.....what's with the ladies who don't like getting kitty a bath???? The one reason a normal woman would not like it is because she doesn't like the person doing it.....and sometimes that doesn't even hinder the enjoyment. Some men are not as good at it...but no man wants to be bad at it so they don't mind a little coaching....you just need to do guide them....as long as you use the sexy voice they won't get offended....slow down, speed up, higher, lower, wetter etc are all fine things to say as long as you use that lusty voice with a little moan in between....then they take mental notes of what breaks the dam so that next time they can feel like the tuna tasting king. I've heard a few prudes say they find getting oral is disgusting....really...but letting an ugly penis slam in and out of your vagina is beautiful??? I don't know about you but having my lady bits smooched by the man I love seems a lot less horrifying then having his huge ball sack slam against my asshole while he beats the hell out of my whoo ha....however it's just as enjoyable :) yea buddy....so come on you frigid bitches....go getcha some new shoes! Peace Out!

tweeny bopper project

Need some cheap summer fun? No..not me after a bottle of 3 Buck Chuck...I'm talking about upcycled plastic store bags. Just cut out the middle section of a few different bags





and braid them...ta da..super cute...super cheap bracelet. Use bags from different stores to get mixes of color and if you want you can add some beads or something...me being cheap I would just cut up some colored drinking straws and use those. Enjoy and Peace Out!

...No Matter What They Say....

Katy Perry's Firework, Lady Gaga's Born This Way & Pink's Perfect.....all amazing songs....all of them telling people it's ok to be who you are....and I would like to thank them for that....as a mother of 3 crazy and different children it makes me happy to hear a song telling them they are awesome. I'm going to get some grief about this from some more of the uptight crowd but they can suck it....you can be happy being you and I can be happy being me...and all I really want in this world is for my children to be happy being who they are. I have a great mix in my family, tall, short, blonde, brunette, ginger, strong, smart, silly and the freckles...but all that is "normal" .... I am also a proud momma of a hand flapper and two of my children have interesting birthmarks....you know the kind of stuff that make people stare and say shitty comments....and yea we get it a lot....so when I hear Lady Gaga singing...."I'm beautiful in my way cause God makes no mistakes"...it warms my heart..... I know that if I tell my kids not to care about what everyone else wants them to be they will roll their eyes at me...BUT if Pink sings a song about it then they just might listen. I know some people don't even know who Katy Perry is....because they don't listen to "that kind of music" (followed by the look of disgust that I do)....but any person who tells my child.."baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth".. is cool in my book. ...I know there are several other artists that have done songs similar to these.....and I hope there will be more to come....and I'm thankful that they are inspired to do so....Peace out!

summer style for the cool pre-school girl

I was going to toss out this old shirt that two of my daughters had grown out of....I almost always donate old stuff to Goodwill or to a friend with kids but this one had gotten some holes in it...but the cheapo in me could not bare to put it in the garbage...so I cut it up into strips and put some poney beads on it (had them left over from another bracelet project my preschooler and I did a few months back)....so now my darling daughter has some fun summer necklaces. I know they are no Chanel but hey they have color and cost me nothing so if they get lost I won't freak out. I also cut out the little picture it had on the front...I'm sure I can find something to do with that...Hope y'all are enjoying the first day of summer! Peace Out!

Fatty Fatty 2x4 ...

You know you're heifer when your bra has five hooks....well not all women are cows...some women need them for their huge ta tas....but not me....I still stuff my bra...I have the hooks to keep my side fat strapped up and in place. Yep....gotta have some strong hardware to keep that shit from busting loose. Can't be having the side boob hanging free....two reasons why it needs to be on lock down....1: it looks friggen awful....2: it gets tangled in my underpants.....ok it's not that bad yet but by the time I hit 50 it will and I will have to not only wear the bra of industrial hooks but I will have to apply duct tape on top of it as a precaution....like when your 20ish and use a condom along with a pill....always have back
You know what else makes a fat chick feel good about herself???? The fact that most of us can't wear shorts out in public....or I guess I should say shouldn't....I see plenty chunky bitches that do it anyway....and it's just wrong....now I know in hot weather shorts are the way to beat the heat but some of us have huge monster thighs and they grab ahold of the inside of our shorts and drag them up to our crotch.....Oh my god I can't even explain how gross this looks and all you can think about is the the sweaty nasty cellulite that is now being exposed.....bleh. So I wear capri pants in the summer....not like that 3 whole inches off my ankles makes a whole lot of difference but hey....I don't want someone to turn into a bulimic just because they saw my thighs rubbing together like two teenagers in the backseat of a car. Oh....and tank tops are a no no as well....my flarms (floppy arms) are not to be viewed....it's like having a baby manatee hanging off each shoulder and manatees are only cute when swimming around the warm waters near a power plant in Florida....now I am not stupid...I realize that even all covered up like a nun does not hide the fact that I am obese but trust me if I just let it all hang out it would be much worse....oh all this is so depressing...I need cake....Peace Out.

Should Have Bought A Condo.....

I have a new fetish....popping weeds out of my lawn...and since my yard has more dandelions than a 13 year old boy has pimples I spend more time face down, ass up then all of 50 Cent's ho's combined. My neighbors are really stoked....not only do they get to watch my huge middle aged ass bob up and down like a giant whack an ass game..but I'm taming the shrew that is my yard.....Oh who fucking knew that grass seed was so damn expensive????? Are you shitting me???? I bought some to fill in the hole from the 853 weeds I have already plucked from my overly taxed piece of earth and was shocked at how much having grass is to cost me.....I might just say fuck it.....that's retarded....the kid's need milk ya know....how awful to charge that much for some damn grass....I should just pave the bitch and be done with it. However for some reason I find snatching the unruly weeds very cathartic.....maybe it's replacing cigarettes....ooohhhh I would really like a cigarette (Capri Ultra light with the pink stripe on the box....yum)....what will I do when I finally get all these things gone????? I guess I could sneak into the next door neighbors yard and get theirs......I'm sure I will end up getting arrested for trespassing and then the arresting officer will laugh at me....I could find another outdoor hobby....I've always wanted a pressure washer....I doubt I could get into too much trouble with that......wait....no....I've met me......well...wish me luck and remember...when it comes to weeds....just say no....or something like that...Peace Out!

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891

You're Cooler Than Me....

Most days my kids drive me straight to the funny farm....but I gotta say....even with all the crazy crap they come up with I would still rather be with them instead of most adults. Grown ups are assholes....almost all of them....even I am guilty of being a douche from time to time....I know you are beyond shocked but it's true...Normally I'm such a sweet and gentle person but yes...I have my moments (like every 17 minuets)...I think I should just never leave the house or check my Facebook because there is always at least one jerkoff that will set me off....usually it's some dick I am suppose to be friends with but I'm really not... but now because we are all grown up and mature we should be nice to each other....except they are fuckfaces and anytime I try to be nice they blow me off so I wonder why I bother...or it's the uptight bitch with cheap shoes and an expensive suit at the grocery store that I am trying to warn not to step into the puddle of something that fell but when I get her attention she says something shitty like....it was probly someone with kids (as my kids are with me) so then I explain that next time I won't bother warning her....since some pickle juice won't hurt her crappy pleather boots.
So to keep me from turning into a mass murderer I spend most of my time basking in the kingdom I have created that consists of me & the kids....to them I am THE SHIT! I mix my cereal (fruity pebbles & apple jacks), I paint their nails, we play extreme peek a boo, I dress up the cat and make him dance to Lady Gaga, we make crafts with glitter and we watch their fav movies over and over again (thank god I like kid movies)....so to them I effin rock I'm like Snoop Dog....everything I do is awesome .....except when it's time for naps and I say no to the third Popsicle....but for the most part we are the best of homies....I have no idea what I will do when they reach teen years and they realize I am not cool at all...I already have a child that has hit this stage in life and it sucks balls....I'm cool if I'm buying eyeliner or watching Jersey Shore but other than that I'm a life ruin-er or totally lame....too bad for her...ya get more flies (or tubes of mascara) with honey than telling Mommy what a dork she is....so for now the little ones get spoiled and we have fun......as for the grown ups (a.k.a. bitches) they can all suck my dick....I'm sure they are having the best time being snotty and pretending they are super happy....but I get to wear a macaroni tiara and do the hokey pokey....and I wouldn't trade it for the "Likes" on Facebook....Peace Out!

Hope You Stocked Up On First Aid Kits....You Will Need Them

So there is this new show on TLC called Extreme Couponing.....and it's making my life a living hell. Now every time I go to a store....any damn store...Target, Walmart, CVS etc etc there is some white trash asshole with her carts full of shit she doesn't need and her piles of coupons. Why do you need 17 nail clippers????? and why on earth can you not just sit on your front porch drinking Budweiser like the rest of depressed lower middle class??? I ran into the store for bread, clear nail polish & a pack of gum and got stuck behind your fucking ass trying out your new hobby of getting something for nothing......isn't that what you use to complain about with mothers on food stamps and illegal aliens getting medical benefits but just because you used a scissor and swiped 4 extra Sunday papers it's ok for you to do it???? Don't get me wrong I like my Kohl's cash and BOGO offers but I'm not out to stock pile generic lip balm in my garage for some great chapped lip pandemic...wtf!!!!! And lord help you if I go to buy something I really need and use like Clorox wipes and find the shelf empty....it will get ugly....like knock your cart over, smack your coupons out of your hand and beat you with my diaper bag ugly....stop being such a selfish asshole and stop going into the 20 items or less lane....or I will hit you in the ankle with my shopping cart....several times. Peace Out!

Put Away Wet.....

No one ever tells you the bad things about sex....well they do...but I'm not talking about disease or unplanned pregnancy etc...I mean the other stuff....having sex is like fighting a fire...you go busting in...hose it down...and feel like a fucking superhero when its over....but what no one tells you about is after the fire is out...you gotta clean the mess up...no fun...and for women overhaul takes a lot longer..men get to rinse off their junk in the sink and put a towel over the wet spot...women clean up for the time being and then wake up to my least favorite thing ....SPERM PANTIES....yea...wet, sticky sperm panties...I don't care how much decontamination I do....there is always a reminder of the 5 alarm I took care of the night before. Now I know there are a few ways to avoid this ....obvious one....don't have sex....but I think my husband would last a week before he died....second....use a condom...but as a married woman on birth control...that's kind of retarded and no fun...everyone knows you can't be riding dirty with your seat belt on!!!! Third method....pull out...(also known as the ding dong ditch) but we know most men are really bad at this and it only maybe works if they are on top in some way shape or form....this technique can also lead to a freshly flung scrotum shake landing in unexpected places....which is very hard to explain later....and as we all know most men have bad timing so it's just not that effective and you are better off just getting butter in the bagel.
I decided there had to be a simple solution to my unnerving underpants....so I tried using a panty liner...brilliant right?...uh not so much...I guess the semen was to thick for the liner to soak up and it ended up staying on top of the liner....and then it stuck to me like a Biore pore strip...nothing like a little hair removal first thing in the morning....so then I tried a regular pad...same sorta thing...it really didn't soak all of it up and instead it sort of acted like a funnel and I ended up with a pool of boy juice at the top of my buttcrack....FAIL.....as a last resort I tried toilet paper........paper mache much???....So I guess after all that the sperm panties are not so bad....but from time to time when I know I really just don't want to wake up to some damp delicates...I fake some cramps and give him a porno worthy BJ...problem solved. Peace Out!

Some Women Dig MinPins....Not Me..But Some...I Guess

Ok...so I had some responses to a post I did....He's Just Not That In And Out Of You....most of which were women in denial about why their men were not giving it to em like Charlie Sheen on a Wednesday night bender....listen up dumb bitches....it is what it is....and if you wanna keep fooling yourselves then fine but make sure you buy rechargeable batteries for your vibrating panties. Then I got a response from a man who had to be yanking my chain.....he said he doesn't tickle his wife's fancy very often because he's embarrassed of his tiny dick....what the fuck ever.....I don't believe any man with any type of penis would ever turn down sex from someone he desired.....so I call BULLSHIT....if for some reason this is true let me give you some advice....BANG HER....she married you small pecker and all...it is your job to prick her pin cushion as often as you can.....if it were a problem she should have said something so I'm guessing it's a non issue...and if you really just can't bring yourself to draw your sword or in your case...Swiss Army Knife then for crying out loud man use the excuse of tiny pee pee syndrome to talk her into popping the pudding hole! She won't need to sit on a bag of frozen broccoli then next day and you get to feel like big fish in a small pond for the first time in your miserable jock stuffing life. It's a win win....she may request you gobble her goulash first but hey we all do before we put on a performance. So claim your fame Tiny Penis Man...and if she says no a game of putt butt golf....put a Superman cape on and go at her vagina like a whack a mole game.....good luck and peace out!

For Better Or Worse...Way Worse

Ugh... so I was reading some article about getting married and the top reasons people want to be hitched. It was all mushy, dumb stuff....like being with someone who holds their soul and feeling true love every moment of every day blah blah blah.....do you want to know REAL reasons why being married is awesome? I got 5.....here we go:
#1 Comfort....I no longer have to wear things that cut off circulation, pinch or cause my bones to bruise .....I can wear my torn jeans and old sweats.....oh and the bra that makes the girls look amazing but cracks my ribs is now reserved for when I want something expensive. Oh and shaving...my legs can look like an alpaca and he's still willing to spoon with me.
#2 Honesty....I don't have to pretend all the jokes are funny or that all his family is wonderful....now I can be like...Hey your bitch sister isn't coming for Christmas! It's so much easier to be a loving wife when I don't waste energy being nice to the in-laws.
#3 Eating....ok this is not really an issue for me after the first date....if I can't eat chicken wings and drink several beers in front of someone then they just can't be in my life....but I know lots of dumb bitches that refuse to eat messy foods in front of men....wtf you can wrap your mouth around his dick but you won't eat some chili dogs....get some therapy!
#4 Health....I can fart....
And the fifth reason why being hitched is better than dating is.....Sex....no not because it gets better after marriage...but because I no longer have to bring my A game to every match....I can be lazy or I can leave a few tricks in the bag.....let's face it after a long day and a big meal we don't always want to be a full on porn star....sometimes it's just a get on, get off, get some sleep sort of night......which by the way just makes the nights when you do go all the way to Freaky Town that much sweeter.
So....now that you know some real...day to day reasons why being married is great...the one question you need to ask yourself is.....will you be able to ask for toilet paper while dropping a deuce....I know have no problem..I leave the door wide open and yell....Help or I'm using your socks! It may not be romantic but he still wants to shag me later so I know it's love. Peace out!

I See London.....

You know how life sometimes gets away from you? Like one week everything is fine and you have your routine down but then out of the blue a kid is sick and a car is broke down and the next thing you know everything else is out of control? Well this happens to me all the time....I feel the more children, pets and vehicles you have the chances of your living a smooth life are greatly diminished. My life is almost always one big hot mess....however I am usually pretty good at treading water but not so long ago I had a little bit of a wake up call...and I was told loud and clear to never let the laundry be last on you list. Yea....it had gotten so bad that I was pretty much out of underpants and I was forced to dig to the back corner of my unmentionables drawer and find the sexy, lacy, gonna get me some thongs...yikes. I have not attempted wearing these in like 3 years......and at first I was sort of excited to prance around in them thinking oohhh I might feel a little extra naughty today....but by the time I got downstairs and out the door I was unhappy....I have been pregnant twice since their last appearance and well...lets just say they don't fit the same way anymore. It was like trying to smoke a cigarette after years of quiting....it sounds wonderful and you can't wait for that first drag but then you find your self choking to death and wondering what the fuck you were thinking.....except in my case the circulation to my left ass cheek was cut off and my fat roll fell over the front of them making them feel and look like an expensive purple tourniquet.....not attractive...at all....not even a little...the only thing less sexy was the very deep very red imprint they left across the top of my stretch marks when I finally got to peel them off of me....talk about unleashing the Kraken! I need to send them to a war camp as a torture device. Trust me a day in those God awful things and we will know exactly where Bin Laden is located. So just to be sure that I will never ever ever ever be forced to don those evil, pain inflicting knickers again...I tossed them in the diaper bucket....I will stick to my granny style undies....which bye the way I am renaming Mommy Panties cuz my grandmother didn't wear that kind...hers were like an early form of Spanx....it helped keep her hernia in place....smoking hot I know. How she wasn't knocking moccasins with Grandpa all the time is beyond me ;) Well I'm off...gotta get some fabric softener....don't even get me started on how cardboard stiff panties are not a girls best friend. Peace Out!