Monday, November 7, 2011

Here..Let Me Help You Get That Stick Out Of Your Butt

I hate uptight people....ok...that's not nice...but I strongly dislike them. I understand that there are some people who are always going to be a big ball of constipation but I firmly believe that most people just need to fart (figuratively and literally) and try to let go.

I also believe that certain people in certain professions and areas of life need to get a sense of humor. If you are Clergy, law enforcement, a mother, a drive thru attendant or a gynecologists you need to not be a serious asshole all of the time.

Let's start with mothers....this should not even need to be said but if you have kids and can't see the funny in finding poop on the floor and not knowing where it came need to adopt out your happens....can we have rules, hard days and meltdowns??? For sure....but take off the pearls June C. and slip on some sweatpants....enjoy the ride.

Drive thru workers at any of my fast food places....I'm sorry you can't hear me very well over the screaming of my spawn that are demanding chocolate milk and chicken nuggets but getting pissy with me when I am obviously at my wits end is only going to get you pelted in the face with my empty Starbucks cup....oh and I e-mail corporate for good customer service and I make phone call for bad service so just laugh at the fact that my life at the moment is fucked up and throw in some extra ketchup.

Clergy, you want to help guide me and my family down a path of spiritual awesomeness and have me reveal my deep dark secrets....yet you can't find humor or leeway in my fully dysfunctional one wants to be sinking ship full of crap but life fucks up....get off your high horse and be my friend....not a dick.

Law enforcement....I get it....lots of assholes out there...but when you pull me over and you see that I have mismatched flip flops on in winter and a sucker in my hair can you just drop the tone and hand me my ticket???? I am already having bad day...BTW I do appreciate you...

Gynos....ok this is my least fav thing to do. I do not look forward to going into your office once a year for my...make sure I don't have cancer or an alien baby growing in my lady place checkup. Then you to ask all sorts of questions like am I a whore, have I banged a chick, do I do meth etc etc followed by you to then shoving a cold evil toucan like instrument in my tunnel of love and stab at it with a cotton swab the size of Oregon! So when you sit there asking...are you sexually active...and I reply....only every other need to fucking laugh god damn it!!!!! I am in a paper gown that is too small...I cut my whoo hah trying to trim it up and now we are about to have you go in wrist deep (I don't even let my husband do that) and you can't have a sense of humor to lighten the tension???? I'm going to start going in drunk from now on....see how you like me then you snotty bitch.

Ok I need to go calm down...that one got me a little perturbed....I'm gonna go put on my sushi costume from Halloween and strike up some conversation with some old folks at the library. Have a great day...remember to laugh a little...even if it's at me. Peace Out!


  1. Bahahaha, you crack me up girlfriend! AMEN to that. I LOVE this post, and it's pretty much all true. The Gyno had me snorting. Oh, you've made my day chicka! :-)