Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Family Whack A Mole...

I think my family might be jinxed....yep...or at least the chicks are...maybe my husband put some sort of curse on us as payback for all the hormonal roller coasters we put him on...the other day all of the girls in the fam received some sort of groovy head started with me...which is only fitting being the matriarch and all....I gotta lead by example you know. We were checking out at Goodwill and I was all excited because I found some bomb diggety old purses and was checking out the jewelry for some old beads...I lean in towards the glass counter to get a better look and BANG!!!!!!!!!! Mother fucksnot! I pegged my forehead on the metal bag holder thingy. Yea it was awesome....I freaked out the whole place with my yelling and my husband was oh so proud of the mad skills I least I scored some cool sunglasses bad they didn't cover up the welt on my we get home and my toddler heads off for a I can chill and take a Tylenol......but then all of sudden I hear some horrible screaming...I run into her room to find that she fell out of bed... and is laying half under the bed with her head wedged up against her dresser...she got a killer line down the side of her perfect cherub face from sticking the landing....poor worries...she's kinda like Edward Cullen and heals rather quickly....Later in the afternoon my now marked little kiddo decides that she wants to play some football...which is cool....buuuuuttttt...... she decided to toss me the ball when I wasn't expecting her to and well...let's just infant took one for the team....yea...nothing makes you feel more like a prize winning mother then letting your baby get pegged in the noggin.... and now two of them just got pinged....sweet. Once again no tiny sweetie just shook it off like a champ and returned to drooling all over's all good.
So now it's time to go get my teen from school...then we head off to the store to pick up stuff for dinner etc...and we were having a great time goofing off and being silly....till we leave...we load the little ones and groceries into the car...I'm all buckled in and my teeny bopper starts to get in....and SMACK!!!!.....door to face....yep...(sing it with me) du du du, another one bites the dust.....poor girl....she really jacked up her forehead...she looked fine by the next morning but I was certain my kids were going to get taken away.....considering they all got jenked within hours of each other.....I so need to invest in a few more ice packs....and perhaps some hockey face masks.........cuz let's face it....we are a gaggle of crazy, clumsy broads and unfortunately our faces and our humor are about the only few things we have going for us.....Lord knows we won't be champion tightrope walkers or anything. Well better go...I need to check on my dental insurance...just in case....Peace out!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Till Death Or Your Snoring Do Us Part...

Anyone else have odd sleep habits???? I do...some I have had forever and some were developed over time....I have always liked to sleep with my head at the foot of the idea why but I prefer it....and it never was a problem until I married my first husband...that's when my sleep life went straight to hell in a hand basket. Not only did I realize that my sleeping the wrong direction was probably no longer but to my horror I had to share my sleep space....years and years of spacious mattress bliss now ruined by this asshole wanting to spoon with top it off he kept trying to keep his arm on don't want your dead weight laying across my abdomen...I can't sleep like this....finally I just told him it made me overheat and to knock it the fuck off....but still another even worse problem came about....the a-hole insisted on facing me....must be some sort of horrible momma's boy syndrome...and when he did....the exhale air from his stupid ugly nose would fucking blow on my face!!!!! Oh my god...this just grossed me out and also kept me was then that I knew why the couples in TV shows from the 50's slept in separate was because they were flippen brilliant!!!! The air thing bothered me so much that I started sleeping with the blanket over my head....and I would eventually squirrel my way down to the foot of the bed where I was happy and no longer bothered in the night....needless to say that marriage didn't last long...not just because of that but it was one of his pet peeves with me...that and the fact that I can add....and form opinions of my own.
Anyways a few years go by and I'm back to sleeping by myself....and I loved it...then I met my second husband...and my sleep life came crashing down again....not only did this guy do all the same shit but to top it off he snored...not just a regular snore that you hear for a minuet then you fall was a snore that was so god damn loud it could crack the semi-gloss on the walls....and of course the taintface never would see a doctor about it and eventually that marriage went down in flames as well....not just because of that but...I won't lie...for me it was a huge issue...I even kicked him out of the bedroom for it...and instead of trying to fix it...well...that's an entirely different blog I am...alone again...and thrilled to have my bed back to myself....but alas...I for some reason I just keep finding husbands and soon number three came along....this time I laid it all out on the line...right from the get go...I told him...don't touch me when I sleep...I sleep screwed up and I will not spoon you...and for some reason he stuck around....however he likes to tease me about it and if he were not so awesome in the sex department I would be pissed...but for the most part he's been awesome about my nightly weirdness...and since I finally married someone taller then me the nose air thing is a non issue....and every once in awhile I even keep my head up by his....mostly because sometimes he has this like restless leg thing and he kicks me in the face....asshole...but I'm not perfect either...I so know that I fart like a water buffalo in my sleep....and I still like having the blanket over my face (not after the whole farting thing...I do surface for that)'s been so long now that I can't stand breathing cold air when I sleep...fricken odd right????....but I have not shoved my hubby out of the sack yet....which is probably why I keep getting knocked up...well...better go...gotta make sure my pillow is just right and that my night light is plugged I'm not scared of the dark...I just always stub my baby toe when I wake up to take a piss in the middle of the night....sweet dreams and Peace out!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Rose colored stunner shades ;)

They say ignorance is bliss....and well...I tend to agree...I remember the day I realized what people really thought of my life and why they were nice to me... and I hated it. I was a junior in high school...sitting in religion class...yes, I went to private school...I'm sure you are all stunned....anyways we had our desks arranged in a circle and were discussing how God always has a plan and how you should trust in teacher all of sudden points me out and tells my entire class....Look at her, her mother died, her dad left, she lives in a poor neighborhood and her grandfather is a drunk and she is still happy with God's plan.....I was beyond stunned...first of all I had no idea he had all of this information...I should have known better....everybody knows everything in small circles....second I could not believe he shared it with a group of my peers...evil teenagers no less... and third he made it all sound so fucking awful....until that moment I never realized my life was suppose to be crap....I had seen it as I lived with people that loved me..we were not rich but we wanted for nothing...I went to a great school..I was cute and had a few nice friends....but all along people were feeling sorry for what really sucked balls was that people started treating me differently....and they said horrible things I understand why you are so strong willed...and I'm so sorry about your parents....I was no longer me...I was the girl that had bad shit happen to her...and it was the beginning of a downward spiral that for awhile ruined me. I hated getting sympathy...especially because I didn't fucking need it...I detested people talking about my family.....and instead of brushing it off...I got angry....don't get me wrong...I have always had a little piss and vinegar running through my veins but I really changed...I got new not so great friends outside of my happy little grades dropped and I just gave up on thinking that people liked me for me....long story favorite place on earth turned into a place I had to go and I ended up doing very stupid things...even got pregnant...
Now don't get me wrong...I'm not blaming the teacher or fellow students for my actions...those are all mine....this is just my way of warning people to only air their own dirty laundry.....not bubble was forever burst and I was never the I know I still had the happy things I was enjoying before the incident and I chose to let it all go...but you be 16 and try to be positive about that crap.....there is nothing wrong with a little empathy but no one likes to be the guest of honor at a pity when you are trying to be a careful of your words....
After many years of anger and turmoil and few more bad choices I decided that life is suppose to be fun....but I may go to extremes....I hate being serious...and I'm not so good at the daily grind...I just don't believe we are put on this earth to not enjoy whatever we possibly can. With all the illnesses in the world, wars and the bad economy I just can't even stand to watch the news...I don't want to get sucked into depressed mode...and with all the bullshit that's around it's just so easy to forget to be lighthearted....I also don't want to burst my offspring's happy bubble and God help whoever does....many moments of pent up wrath will be brought down on the a-hole that ruins the bright and shiny for my babies...because behind my somewhat clever jokes and silliness is a mother who will rip your fricken skin off for making children lose the blissful ignorance of that being said...I better's time to sing into a hairbrush to a Miley Cyrus song, paint several sets of little toenails....and once again be happy with God's plan...Peace out.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I'm A Fan Of The Big Gold Man

Anyone else love the Academy Awards as much as I do? Don't get me wrong...I love almost all of the award shows...I always tune in....I am a straight up award show junkie...I watch the SAG awards, the Globes, the Emmys the Grammys, VMAs and even the Teen Choice Awards....but my most favorite night of the year is Oscar friends know not to call and bother family asks me weeks in advance what I'm planning....which is always about the same....some sort of bubbly...unless my stupid ass is knocked up again....and whatever food I'm craving....this year was pecan pie, sour bright crawlers and popcorn....last year was pumpkin cheesecake, bagel bites and beef didn't say it was gourmet food...just food I like to munch Last year I sported a cute little tiara that lit up...and this year I made my own was very school project looking but only took me 2 hours and was free....I just wanted to amp up my Oscar spirit....maybe next year I will go to Home Depot and buy some red carpet....(no dirty jokes!) I get so excited over the whole event...the decor, the clothes, the speeches...I really like how they give a nod to all aspects of cinema and it's not just about the actors themselves....My family thinks I'm nuts with my insane Oscar fascination but they have learned to deal with it.....I'm sure it's not the only thing on their list of crazy shit Mommy does...I keep hoping that one day I will win some contest and actually get to go to the Oscars....I would just fucking get to see all those amazing stars and be there while history is being made....hoooooolllllyyyyyy shit...I would so have to wear a diaper under my dress because I know I would piddle my pants with know I have my outfit all picked out too.... I would wear a dark rose colored gown with sparkly stuff all over it, skinny heels with open toes and they will be covered in dark rose colored crystals, I will have minimal jewels on so my dress can speak for itself and I will carry a small white crystal encrusted clutch..... my hair will be half up in a loose bun with long big curls in the back swept off to one goes best with my bone structure....I might get some weave sewn in to make it super full and long lol....I would so have to have my girl Nicole Patterson do my makeup etc....she's an amazing artist...I hope someone else does not book her that night...anyways...enough plugging of her....can't help it...I'm so proud of her.....but back to my Oscar love...I absolutely think there should be vibrator in the form of the famous award....that way I can show the Academy who the real Best Director, Best Animated Movie and Best Supporting Actress really is.....woo hoo....I could celebrate Oscar every night!!! I would add Best song to that list but we all know I can't carry a tune and during sex I sound more like a squeezed billy goat then amazing songstress....sigh...can't win 'em all...oooohhhh wait...I can take home the best original screen play award....I will call my blockbuster film....Southern Flower....and my hubby can be the executive producer if you know what I mean.....ok...this has taken a weird turn...this may be whole different type of award show....what do they call the porn awards???? Well...gotta go....I'm having the hubby take me shopping for a video I can start my awesome film naughty stuff...I don't think ya'll can handle that....Peace out!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

All That Work Just To Be Covered In Jelly & Marker...

Can anyone please tell me why in the hell they use so many friggen wires to strap down the Barbie dolls to the packaging???? I get it they are trying to keep people from shoplifting them...well here is the deal...Barbies and Bratz and Scene dolls etc...only cost like ten the only people that might be trying to steal them would be little girls...and trust me...2 wire ties will keep them at bay....there is no need to harness the doll down with over 6 wire should no longer get to do this unless it's S&M Barbie and she is suppose to be that way....I'm guessing the a-hole at whatever company makes these dolls do not have children of their own because then they would understand how hard it is to get the stupid thing out while getting pressured by an antsy child yelling at the top of her lungs...I want my Barbie!!!! I am now boycotting buying these dolls new and will only purchase them from garage that some other idiot has to open them up for me....screw this noise.....I need to use a bolt cutters just to get the hair loose...that's right they even wire the hair down....crazy right????? Then as I'm pulling the stupid wire out it stabbed me up under my thumb nail....son of a bitch!!!!...I would rather be punched in the kidney then be stabbed under my fingernails.....thank god I'm not like on blood thinners or something...I would have died! know that I don't even bother getting the gay little accessories out child has no real interest in them...and they just end up on the floor for me to step on in the middle of the night....sending me into a fury that is only rivaled by old people driving in front of me going under the speed limit with their blinker on....ya know one day I stepped on a tiny shoe of some sort...for like the third time....and I finally lost it....I shoved it down the garbage disposal and let er rip while screaming...take that you evil fucker... and started downing wine straight from the bottle while I listened to the sound of it being mangled to a was a sad sad moment in time....I'm not proud of my actions but I'm not apologizing for them either....the itty bitty shoe of death can suck it....well it can't anymore...because it's dead....hahahahhah....I just know that one day a little Bratz purse will cause me to slip and fall and crack my head open...then I will end up enraged and set my whole house on fire while drinking Patrone on the front lawn watching it go down in flames until I pass out....I will wake up next to Bret Michaels on some episode of Crazy Bitch Rehab with Dr. Drew...where I will promptly be kicked out for trying to seduce Dr. Drew....I don't know why but that little guy just gets my juices flowing....weird since my type is big and if...God husband died and both Dr. Drew and Jason Stathem both came to give me a sympathy bang...I would have to flip a coin to decide who I would knock boots with....I think it's something to do Dr. Drew's soft voice...and his brains....I like smart...just not dickhead smart....I am way off track here....the point of all of this rambling is if you have arthritis you can't open up Barbie packages and if you are slightly shaky because you are a drunk you can't open up Barbies...and if you don't know where the fucking scissors are and you have a screaming kid it's impossible to open up the God damn Barbie!!....stupid plastic big boobed whore doll...grrr!!!!!!!! Well...better go...I'm taking the kids to Toys r Us....I hear there is a big sale on all the Hannah Montana figures....I will probably be writing my next blog from the ER...Peace out.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sugar & Spice...more like Whiskey & Cigars...that's what my girls are made of!

There comes a time in every child's life when their talents come to shine and their mother's realize all the things they could be when they grow up....and as a mother you feel the need to help nurture these talents so that your child can reach his or her full potential...this happened to me fact both of my younger daughters showed me exactly what they might be good at...which for such young children is simply amazing....however I have decided not to help them along with these specific talents....perhaps I will wait it out and hope they have a few more hidden ones and we can just work with I know you are asking yourself why....this is be so young and already show such's the deal...I think they are going to porn stars....yep...that's right....I think my sweet little girls are going to grow up and challenge the great Jenna Jamison.....have you ever wanted to slit your wrists???? I thought about it when twice in one day I saw some fairly disturbing behavior from my children...let's start with my infant...yep that's right I said infant....there she was sitting in her cute little bouncy seat, playing with the little pink baby toys and all of a sudden...she shoved her fist in her mouth...that's right ya'll her entire fist...WTF?!....Could we not start off with rolling over or a first had to shove her whole friggen hand in her mouth!!!!! toddler...who ya'll already know keeps me on my toes....but now I need to move her far far away from people....decided to make me weep....not tears of joy...tears of fear...fear that she will someday be found at the Playboy is what happened...I had to pee...and she wanted to play with my I bribed her with a bag of M&Ms...yes I believe in bribes...anyways...I left her on my bed with Spongebob on and went to tinkle...I was gone for all 17 seconds....and came out to find her totally naked and lying on top of a pile of candy....yep...that's right just like something out of top it off...when I picked her up to get her redressed....a green M&M fell out of her buttcrack and onto the floor....I now need therapy...and will never ever eat M&Ms again...ever...ever...ever. So...once again I was stupid and asked her a question...I should have learned my lesson on that....and I asked her...Honey...why did you do that...she answered...Candy is nummy good! I know why so many parents end up drunk and unaware of what their children are's because the truth is so hard to face.....I am trying to look at the silver lining....but it will always be in the back of my head...that they are naturally drawn to the erotic arts....and I will have to hope that perhaps maybe I will get hit by a bus before it happens. Well...gotta go...I'm sewing them some dresses that cover them from neck to toe and can not be lifted up due to the weights I will sew into the hems and can not be taken off without a padlock key....which reminds me I should get to the hardware store before it closes. Peace out.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The key to happiness is higher shelving and crap TV

I guess sitting on the couch in the middle of the day....still in my jammies....drinking a beer, eating a cake and watching a soap opera could sorta be viewed by some as a sign of depression....but for me it's's just a really good day. The only thing that could top that is a pound crab legs and a boob job.....I'm really just so easy to please and I don't take many things very seriously...this world is filled with crap and sadness....and I for one just don't like to buy into...too much....I am only here for a short amount of time...I want to enjoy the crap out of if I want boxed wine and Twizzlers for dinner....then by golly (that's right bitches I said by golly) I'm going to have it! I hate when things harsh my my first husband...he's such a pisser....and when I run out of toilet paper....that's wicked annoying....oh and tax time.....another just really shitty why not enjoy as much stuff as I can right? I believe for the most part I try to keep my life as light hearted as possible and I think my toddler has picked up on this philosophy....she's always been referred to as the little nut job....and last night was no exception...there she was in my room watching her favorite show....Hannah Montana....and my hubby realized she was just a bit to he goes to check on her....well...I just gotta tell myself it could have been worse....she found a tube of petroleum jelly and completely covered herself in it....we're talking head to toe in Vaseline....she looked like she got off from her shift at the Bunny Ranch for crying out loud....standing there in her Hannah necklace and diaper and totally covered in least it wasn't my special tingling KY...that would have pissed me the fuck off....Vaseline is only like a dollar...that crazy lube is almost ten! Yes I'm cheap....besides it was hard enough to catch her and clean her off...being all super slippery would have made it exceptionally top off her little Burt Reynolds in Striptease reenactment she decided to poop her pants....which is normal but I had to clean off the Vaseline first so that I could lay her down to change her...and the turd smell was really making my eyes water...when I finally got to change her britches I asked her why she wouldn't use the potty like a big girl... she looked at me and said "the potty is stupid" I need to find some way to make using the potty cool....I think I will decorate her little pink potty with Hannah stuff and have it dispense Skittles when she's done....maybe I can e-mail Disney and they can have Miley Cyrus do a potty song (good lord how many times am I going to use the word POTTY?)....moms across the world would be so friggen happy if Miss Montana did a bathroom can just be a remake for all I get the best of both worlds, drop your pants the floor then you poop in the bowl...something like that.....I know for a fact if that song played my toddler would so be taking a Teen Vogue magazine to the bathroom to drop a deuce....well...better go...I'm making a costume so that I can film my own video to a Lady Gaga song...she's one of my heroes...I need some purple body glitter, peacock feathers and some garden hose...wish me luck...Peace out.