Saturday, March 6, 2010
Can anyone please tell me why in the hell they use so many friggen wires to strap down the Barbie dolls to the packaging???? I get it they are trying to keep people from shoplifting them...well here is the deal...Barbies and Bratz and Scene dolls etc...only cost like ten bucks...so the only people that might be trying to steal them would be little girls...and trust me...2 wire ties will keep them at bay....there is no need to harness the doll down with over 6 wire straps....wtf...they should no longer get to do this unless it's S&M Barbie and she is suppose to be that way....I'm guessing the a-hole at whatever company makes these dolls do not have children of their own because then they would understand how hard it is to get the stupid thing out while getting pressured by an antsy child yelling at the top of her lungs...I want my Barbie!!!! I am now boycotting buying these dolls new and will only purchase them from garage sales....so that some other idiot has to open them up for me....screw this noise.....I need to use a bolt cutters just to get the hair loose...that's right they even wire the hair down....crazy right????? Then as I'm pulling the stupid wire out it stabbed me up under my thumb nail....son of a bitch!!!!...I would rather be punched in the kidney then be stabbed under my fingernails.....thank god I'm not like on blood thinners or something...I would have died! ...you know that I don't even bother getting the gay little accessories out anymore....my child has no real interest in them...and they just end up on the floor for me to step on in the middle of the night....sending me into a fury that is only rivaled by old people driving in front of me going under the speed limit with their blinker on....ya know one day I stepped on a tiny shoe of some sort...for like the third time....and I finally lost it....I shoved it down the garbage disposal and let er rip while screaming...take that you evil fucker... and started downing wine straight from the bottle while I listened to the sound of it being mangled to a pulp....it was a sad sad moment in time....I'm not proud of my actions but I'm not apologizing for them either....the itty bitty shoe of death can suck it....well it can't anymore...because it's dead....hahahahhah....I just know that one day a little Bratz purse will cause me to slip and fall and crack my head open...then I will end up enraged and set my whole house on fire while drinking Patrone on the front lawn watching it go down in flames until I pass out....I will wake up next to Bret Michaels on some episode of Crazy Bitch Rehab with Dr. Drew...where I will promptly be kicked out for trying to seduce Dr. Drew....I don't know why but that little guy just gets my juices flowing....weird since my type is big and hairy....like if...God forbid...my husband died and both Dr. Drew and Jason Stathem both came to give me a sympathy bang...I would have to flip a coin to decide who I would knock boots with....I think it's something to do Dr. Drew's soft voice...and his brains....I like smart...just not dickhead smart....I am way off track here....the point of all of this rambling is if you have arthritis you can't open up Barbie packages and if you are slightly shaky because you are a drunk you can't open up Barbies...and if you don't know where the fucking scissors are and you have a screaming kid it's impossible to open up the God damn Barbie!!....stupid plastic big boobed whore doll...grrr!!!!!!!! Well...better go...I'm taking the kids to Toys r Us....I hear there is a big sale on all the Hannah Montana figures....I will probably be writing my next blog from the ER...Peace out.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I guess sitting on the couch in the middle of the day....still in my jammies....drinking a beer, eating a cake and watching a soap opera could sorta be viewed by some as a sign of depression....but for me it's not...it's just a really good day. The only thing that could top that is a pound crab legs and a boob job.....I'm really just so easy to please and I don't take many things very seriously...this world is filled with crap and sadness....and I for one just don't like to buy into...too much....I am only here for a short amount of time...I want to enjoy the crap out of it....so if I want boxed wine and Twizzlers for dinner....then by golly (that's right bitches I said by golly) I'm going to have it! I hate when things harsh my mellow....like my first husband...he's such a pisser....and when I run out of toilet paper....that's wicked annoying....oh and tax time.....another just really shitty thing....so why not enjoy as much stuff as I can right? I believe for the most part I try to keep my life as light hearted as possible and I think my toddler has picked up on this philosophy....she's always been referred to as the little nut job....and last night was no exception...there she was in my room watching her favorite show....Hannah Montana....and my hubby realized she was just a bit to quiet....so he goes to check on her....well...I just gotta tell myself it could have been worse....she found a tube of petroleum jelly and completely covered herself in it....we're talking head to toe in Vaseline....she looked like she got off from her shift at the Bunny Ranch for crying out loud....standing there in her Hannah necklace and diaper and totally covered in goo....sigh....at least it wasn't my special tingling KY...that would have pissed me the fuck off....Vaseline is only like a dollar...that crazy lube is almost ten! Yes I'm cheap....besides it was hard enough to catch her and clean her off...being all super slippery would have made it exceptionally difficult....to top off her little Burt Reynolds in Striptease reenactment she decided to poop her pants....which is normal but I had to clean off the Vaseline first so that I could lay her down to change her...and the turd smell was really making my eyes water...when I finally got to change her britches I asked her why she wouldn't use the potty like a big girl... she looked at me and said "the potty is stupid"....sigh.....so I need to find some way to make using the potty cool....I think I will decorate her little pink potty with Hannah stuff and have it dispense Skittles when she's done....maybe I can e-mail Disney and they can have Miley Cyrus do a potty song (good lord how many times am I going to use the word POTTY?)....moms across the world would be so friggen happy if Miss Montana did a bathroom song....it can just be a remake for all I care....like...You get the best of both worlds, drop your pants the floor then you poop in the bowl...something like that.....I know for a fact if that song played my toddler would so be taking a Teen Vogue magazine to the bathroom to drop a deuce....well...better go...I'm making a costume so that I can film my own video to a Lady Gaga song...she's one of my heroes...I need some purple body glitter, peacock feathers and some garden hose...wish me luck...Peace out.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Well my adorable yet slightly crazy toddler has been sick this week which makes her equilibrium even more off then usual. Even from the womb she's been labeled The Little Nutjob....and now that she had hit terrible twos...well...yea...the nickname fits....however I don't know if she will make it to see age 3 if she does not stop falling all the time...how this kid will live to tell the tale of childhood is beyond me. My oldest child was never this nuts...uncoordinated yes... but not crazy....so this whole Evil Knievel/ WWE things is just freaking me out! She has no fear..no rules (as far as she is concerned Mommy just says things to say them) and does not seem to care if something failed before...she's going to try it again... Just this week she face planted in an Old Navy trying to escape her little Monkey harness thing...which I swore I'd never use on my children....until I realized that my toddler was more like a rabid pit bull then a sweet dolly loving little girl. Then she decided to play let's grab Mommy's glasses and run and she smacked her face on the corner of cabinet.....a few hours later she fell off my bed...backwards no less while performing let's not let Mommy put my socks on....and then the grand finale was while watching her favorite show Hanna Montana... she was singing into a brush and spinning in circles and fell between her bed and a toy box....causing her ear to bust open and bleed and a small yet deep scratch on the other side of her head....what really got me was how she got up and finished the song before she started to cry....she's a true performer. Her spills and mishaps are many....to the point where I think I will just make her wear a snowsuit and helmet at all times....and my fear is as time goes on she will get worse....have you ever seen a small child pick up a cat that weighs in at 25lbs and throw it over their head??? I have....stupid cat still comes back for more too...he loves her....(no worries the cat landed on the couch and is fine) but what will she get into as she gets older....maybe she will be in Strongman competitions and throw Volkswagens or something....I just hope her agility gets better....not that she has much hope....I too fall on a daily basis....usually doing something very difficult like putting on my underpants or trying to get into my truck....I have mad skills...more like mad cow skills but whatever. My husband is who I blame for my darling daughter's total lack of self preservation...he's done all sorts of stupid stuff in the name of fun...and now has the scars to prove it...awesome. Thank goodness I have great insurance. Well...gotta go...I hear Walmart is having a sale on band aids and neosporin...see ya in the waiting room of the ER...Peace out.