Saturday, May 22, 2010

Making Mouths Happy

I have decided that there needs to be Mentos mints for your asshole.....I'm sure gay men everywhere would agree with me....and also some little breath strip things for the know how it goes....we get all showered and shaved, dressed up, hair and makeup done....etc...then we go out, eat dinner have drinks....maybe dance a little thing you know hours have gone by and your taco and buttcrack are a smidge bit sweaty and now you are not so sure that your undercarriage is ready for some quality face time....what do you do??? Personally I break out the baby wipes and hope for the best...but not everyone is as thoughtful as I am and...not everyone has a purse as big as I do....wouldn't it be great if you had a little packet that could fit in your pocket or stylish clutch that held a clam cleaner and rear entrance refresher???? Right before you leave to go sit on a chin you just stick a Tic Tac sized magic pellet into your booty and lay a little pussy pleaser strip down and away you go worry free....Tell me the truth all you labia lickers out there.....a minty whiff coming out from those lacy panties would be nice right????....and probably make you more apt to do a thorough job right?????? And we all know that there is not a damn soul out there that is willing to tongue tickle to a crusty smelling cornhole.....
So, I'm going to get together with the makers of KY and Orbitz Gum and see what we can come up with....untill a thoughtful sexual partner and carry some wetnaps or something. Oh hell...I almost forgot...stinky balls...I'm afraid there is not a whole lot of advice I can give you other then keep your berries groomed...spray a little deodorant on them before you leave the house and if you are lucky your conquest will spill a beer on your crotch.....maybe we could come up with a mini tree air freshener you hang in your boxers (good for 4-6 weeks bitches!)....hmmmm.....that's really not a horrible idea...just hang it on the button of your britches or around your dick and whoowaahhh your all set.....lmfao.....I'm sorry I'm just picturing what it would be like to rip my husband pants down and start to gobble on his knob to find that his nuts smelled like a brand new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Peace Out!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

"Goodwill Hunting"

Anyone ever have Thrift Store Sex???? You know...when you just need a sure fire lay so you go to the bar...find the lonely, sad, obviously freshly dumped sack of sadness perched on a barstool. They still have a few tears in their eyes and cell phone clenched in their hand just in case the ex decides to call saying they have changed their minds...oh...just to make sure you are not about to proposition someone who got fired your future ugly bumper will have some sort of weird ass drink sitting in front of them like a Mai Tai or Amaretto Sour.....they think it makes them look interesting and fun to chat with... Also, they are trying very hard to look put together, even though they want to be in dirty jammies on the couch in a Valium coma...but in an effort to find validation their hair is done perfectly, they have nice shoes and new pants/skirt, but they are still wearing either his old college sweatshirt or the gay ass microfiber long sleeve she gave him for Christmas (not sure why you would want to be with an asshole that gave you such an awful shirt...what a toad).....there they sit with nervous finger tapping and weak desperate need of someone to make them feel worth something now that they have been cast aside like a crappy jewelry box or a broken rotisserie oven....they have now become...thrift store fodder. This my friend is the easiest way to get you some sweet sweet nookie.....and all it takes is a wink and for you to ask them really does not matter.....I would go with either what they do for a living or if they are from a soap opera....then like a wonderful gift from God all of a sudden their need to have sex is launched like Nasa space shuttle and trust me....they are pleasers! For some reason they use every trick they know of, have done, have read about or thought about doing....trying to prove (to themselves mostly) that it definitely wasn't the sex that made their significant others jump ship...and if you drink plenty of usually score 3 good romps before leaving at dawn with a sore shoulder and broken toe (ceiling fans are a bitch!)....Now listen up.... this is where you need to be exceptionally careful....bagging a thrift store piece of ass can go terribly wrong....75% of the time you will endure a 3 week stalking period....and if you want to use and abuse this "privilege"...well it makes you a giant asshole but so did the initial act of picking up sloppy seconds at the local watering hole so what's 3 more weeks???? Your conquest (AKA target so easy you didn't even need to brush your teeth) will do just about anything for your attention...they will empty their bank accounts and whisk you away to Vegas...they will cut your grass, pick up your dry cleaning and bake you a pie......they will also initiate insane sexual stunts (indoors, outdoors, leather, costumes and electric fly swatter).....BUT..... it comes with the creepy stuff....homemade paper mache sculptures of you and them together under a heart shaped archway, t-shirts with your pics on them that read "forever" and you being monitored like ADT through your office windows from a tree across the street with 500.00 newly acquired, if that is not your fancy, you can always go for the totally ignore them will still get stalked and your car tires may get slashed (more then once) but that's just part of the territory...either way, keep an eye on your pet rabbit.
I bet you are wondering about the other 25%....ok....some of these crushed, sad souls just need that one night of happiness...that 4 hours of feeling good and knowing someone wanted them and then they become your genuine friend...ya'll will meet for coffee once a month...maybe catch a movie from time to time and chat on Facebook late at night when you can't sleep. One day they will meet the real person of their dreams and you will honestly be happy for them....and now every time you see a second hand store you will reminisce about them and smile to yourself...I know anytime I drive by a Salvation Army I think about...............................oops sorry technical difficulties. Happy shopping! Peace Out!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Should Have Been A Crazy Cat Lady....

Sunday....a family day....and today was kind of lazy day for me as I was getting over a bad pizza...that's not what I'm here to was terrible terrible was worse then finding a dead body in a port-a-potty on a hot summer I'm trying to forget about wonderful hubby was busy making a kick ass meal in the oldest agreed to watch the baby so I decided to take my toddler to lunch for some nice Mommy/Daughter theory it sounded like a great time...however I should have known from the get go that all hell was about to break we left the house and made our way to the driveway....she tripped over her own feet and fell...not just a fall...a rolling fall....she went head over heals twice and landed all sprawled out with her leg up on the trash can...poor thing...I pick her up, get her dusted off and I set her next to me...I go to open my door so that I can put my purse and phone down...not realizing she had moved and I banged her in the fucking head!!!!!!! She starts bawling and yelling "Mamma why did you do that?! Why did you hurt my head?!"...I felt so awful...I'm a really sucky mom...I hug her and kiss her...get her buckled into her seat and away we go....we get to our fine dining destination of McDonald's...she's stoked...she LOVES fries...I have the worst service ever....but that is a whole other I am waiting for the happy meal some guy comes up to me and asks if I'm Amanda....I tell him no...he tries to apologize but my lovely daughter takes over and sticks her finger in his face while shouting "YOU GO AWAY! GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!" ...I can't help but laugh a we find ourselves a nice little booth and start eating....we are talking and being silly....till the same man walked by our table to get to the garbage....and my toddler threw her drink at him....yep...before I could even react she grabs her drink, whips it like a varsity softball player and pegs him in the shoulder.....also while yelling "GO AWAY"....I could have crapped my pants....I didn't know what to jaw dropped and I just looked at her.....then quickly started to apologize....but the dude just said it was ok and left looking like he was going to kill himself....taking his lead we packed our shit up and took off as well....I carried her to the car, set her down to open the door and she took off like friggen Flo Jo....down a hill over a curb and into the street...I drop my purse and go after her...catch her by her pigtail and pull her away right before a minivan damn near ran her over.....I'm not pleased...not pleased at all! After the near death experience, a lot of crying and me pissing in my grannies...we go to the store....and at first all is going well....I'm finding all sorts or bargains...she's holding some giant purse that she could literally fit into and we are singing some Lady Gaga (just dance, gonna be ok...doo do doo)....until my sweet little dumpling spots the dressing rooms....once again she's gone....she gets inside one and locks herself first she's laughing with extreme delight....till she can't unlock the god forsaken thing and she starts to I have to drop my fat ass to the ground and try to crawl underneath....this sucks balls...I weigh you know how hard it is to squeeze that amount of fat threw a 6 inch opening???!!!! Well...I did succeed...and as the fitting room door opens she tries to take off again....this time I just grab her up and leave...she's screaming about how she want to shop and that she will be good....but I know better....because she's Satan and Satan will tell you anything (oh eat the's no biggie or mommy I will hold your hand...nothing but total bullshit)....the lucky for me part was that there was a gentlemen leaving at the exact same time with a small child who was also having a level 10 tantrum...he looks at me and says "why do I even try?" know misery loves company....but that's when I realized....boarding school is definitely in my daughter's near future....I think I have had enough family time for one day...I need some Tylenol and a glass of wine....and maybe a tazer for the next outing...just to keep my nutjob in check....Yes I am dumb enough to go out again...I really wanted this hot purse I saw at the store....but this time my rabid child will be sporting an adorable pink straight jacket and a bedazzled muzzle....Peace Out!