Saturday, May 15, 2010

"Goodwill Hunting"

Anyone ever have Thrift Store Sex???? You know...when you just need a sure fire lay so you go to the bar...find the lonely, sad, obviously freshly dumped sack of sadness perched on a barstool. They still have a few tears in their eyes and cell phone clenched in their hand just in case the ex decides to call saying they have changed their minds...oh...just to make sure you are not about to proposition someone who got fired your future ugly bumper will have some sort of weird ass drink sitting in front of them like a Mai Tai or Amaretto Sour.....they think it makes them look interesting and fun to chat with... Also, they are trying very hard to look put together, even though they want to be in dirty jammies on the couch in a Valium coma...but in an effort to find validation their hair is done perfectly, they have nice shoes and new pants/skirt, but they are still wearing either his old college sweatshirt or the gay ass microfiber long sleeve she gave him for Christmas (not sure why you would want to be with an asshole that gave you such an awful shirt...what a toad).....there they sit with nervous finger tapping and weak desperate need of someone to make them feel worth something now that they have been cast aside like a crappy jewelry box or a broken rotisserie oven....they have now become...thrift store fodder. This my friend is the easiest way to get you some sweet sweet nookie.....and all it takes is a wink and for you to ask them really does not matter.....I would go with either what they do for a living or if they are from a soap opera....then like a wonderful gift from God all of a sudden their need to have sex is launched like Nasa space shuttle and trust me....they are pleasers! For some reason they use every trick they know of, have done, have read about or thought about doing....trying to prove (to themselves mostly) that it definitely wasn't the sex that made their significant others jump ship...and if you drink plenty of usually score 3 good romps before leaving at dawn with a sore shoulder and broken toe (ceiling fans are a bitch!)....Now listen up.... this is where you need to be exceptionally careful....bagging a thrift store piece of ass can go terribly wrong....75% of the time you will endure a 3 week stalking period....and if you want to use and abuse this "privilege"...well it makes you a giant asshole but so did the initial act of picking up sloppy seconds at the local watering hole so what's 3 more weeks???? Your conquest (AKA target so easy you didn't even need to brush your teeth) will do just about anything for your attention...they will empty their bank accounts and whisk you away to Vegas...they will cut your grass, pick up your dry cleaning and bake you a pie......they will also initiate insane sexual stunts (indoors, outdoors, leather, costumes and electric fly swatter).....BUT..... it comes with the creepy stuff....homemade paper mache sculptures of you and them together under a heart shaped archway, t-shirts with your pics on them that read "forever" and you being monitored like ADT through your office windows from a tree across the street with 500.00 newly acquired, if that is not your fancy, you can always go for the totally ignore them will still get stalked and your car tires may get slashed (more then once) but that's just part of the territory...either way, keep an eye on your pet rabbit.
I bet you are wondering about the other 25%....ok....some of these crushed, sad souls just need that one night of happiness...that 4 hours of feeling good and knowing someone wanted them and then they become your genuine friend...ya'll will meet for coffee once a month...maybe catch a movie from time to time and chat on Facebook late at night when you can't sleep. One day they will meet the real person of their dreams and you will honestly be happy for them....and now every time you see a second hand store you will reminisce about them and smile to yourself...I know anytime I drive by a Salvation Army I think about...............................oops sorry technical difficulties. Happy shopping! Peace Out!

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