Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Brownie Or Bum Nugget???

Ever have one of those shitty days? Yesterday was one of mine....and by shitty I mean...I stuck my finger in poop...twice....before lunch. The first time....I went to look down the back of my baby's diaper and stuck my finger knuckle deep in turd. What a glorious feeling....nothing like warm wet soft poop all up under your fingernail...bleh...then the second time...I was stuffing a stray wipey into a diaper and somehow stuck my finger in the poop again....but hey that's life as a mom. BUT....the poop wouldn't leave me alone....I had just put the baby down for a nap and was walking by some toys when I saw something weird in the sink of the play kitchen....I walk over and realize its.....you guessed it....poop. WTF....not just any poop....it's cat poop....I'm sick to my stomach....did the kids play with it it??? How did it get there???....Did my jerkoff cat perch his fat orange ass on my children's toys and take a dump?? I grab a tissue and grab up the turd....now here is where it gets really gross....as I'm inspecting the dropping (yes I check poop...you never know what kids/cats swallow) I notice pieces of a worm on it!!!!!! OH MY BLOODY HELL!!!!!! I'm almost vomiting on the way to the trash...I break open the turd and there is like millions of tiny worm bits! Now I'm wicked freaked out.....which quickly turns to sadness as I'm bleaching the bejesus out of play kitchen.....my poor infested cat :(....I better call a vet....oh geez...like I really need all this going on....I hope the kids don't get sick because of it....I'm now throwing away the paper towels and I get a glimpse of a candy wrapper on the floor next to the garbage....um....hmmm.....what is this???? It's a fucking Mounds Bar wrapper....you know coconut with chocolate on it.....which chewed up and spit out into a play sink by a small child resembles a cat turd! Holy balls....I feel so much better now....however just to be safe I dig the poop out of the garbage and sniff it....no smell....so I run to the basement and check the turds in the litter box.....no worms. I'm sure glad I didn't go to college and get some amazing job.....I might be working in some gorgeous office making tons of money and paying maids to do all this ultra fabulous stuff that I do everyday.....I love the mom gig (most days) but I could stand to take a break from feces from time to time. Well...gotta go....my toddler has some training pants on backwards....this will not end well. Peace Out!

Monday, November 22, 2010

He's Just Not That In & Out Of You

Husbands always want sex....always...always....like all the time....anywhere...tired or not, hungry or full, set on fire or drowning in the deep end....so to the few of you ladies out there who are having trouble getting your husband into the sack there are only 4 reasons he's not boxing your glove. You should know that it does not matter if you are awesome at sex or not...if you are awake and willing that's enough....sometimes you don't even really need to be awake...just aware enough to say "just hurry up"...he will do all the work after that....so....here it is...and it's not nice...but let's just get honest here....
Reason number 1...his dick doesn't work....he may need the little blue pill and is a fucking dumbass who is too embarrassed and wont go get it from the doc.
Reason number 2.....he's cheating on you....now this is only true if he's in love with his girlfriend and does not want to cheat on her with you...twisted right??? If it's just side pussy he will still fuck you but most likely only in the morning....there will no longer be afternoon cha cha cuz he's in the back of your minivan spanking the nanny.
Reason number 3...he's gay....
Reason number 4.....your clam has sat in the sun too long....he may wish to moo shoo your pork but the thought of your smelly old egg salad just makes him sick......and he certainly isn't going downtown for dinner if your takeout is nasty.
So....what to do???? Go the gyno and make sure your vag is ok...then buy some soap....if that isn't it...check his porn....you can tell a lot about what they like by porn they view....if there is boys in bowties you are barking up the wrong cock.....if its all tits then hack his blackberry.....Jerry from the gym is really Maria from the beauty salon and she's definitely teasing his pubes. No mistress???? His hose wont spray....he needs you to just come out and say HEY FIX YOUR SHIT..if he is worried and being a big baby etc maybe promise him some butt sex...he will be at the doctor first thing in the morning. Hope this helps....if not....get a dildo...Peace Out.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Pee-ter Pants

I don't care how many of those vagina squeezy exercise things I do...I can't not piss myself when I barf. This is how my hubby knows that I will never suffer from bulimia. I'm pretty sure after a certain amount of babies sitting on and stretching out all my plumbing that I will never be normal again. You know what else is not normal???? My boobies.....they are all fucked up now....no perky adorable little cupcakes....nooooooo.....more like old worn out gym socks....its so not fair....boob milk is suppose to be awesome for your children and so here I gave in with my second child and endured chapped, bloody nipples and not so fun teething time...don't forget all the pervs that tried to sneak a peek when I was in public....and what did I get in return?????? UGLY ALIEN TITS! After all of that work Mother Nature should have given me the rack of god damn porn star.....wtf?
You know what really jacks my balls??? All these stupid daytime talk shows with some asshole saying stuff like...just because you are a mom doesn't mean you have to be frumpy.....listen here fruitcake....yes it does....at least for those of us without nanny backup or maids.....I don't even get a chance to shower everyday much less shop to find some super cute blouse for my baby to puke all over. Did you know I was driving for 5 miles today before I realized I had poop on my sleeve???? Yea....that's right poop...not just a little random ball of poop....no....the whipped peanut butter kind of poop.....yea...and I had just used my last travel wipe on the baby so...I got to run around smelling like damn homeless person all afternoon. Good times. Then they daytime givers of lame and bullshit advice hit us with makeup and hair tips....um....I don't remember the last time I even brushed my hair...what is the point...it's going to have mac n cheese in it within an hour and it's up in a bun at all times anyway...stupid bitch if I had time to do hair and makeup everyday I would probably just do the mountain of laundry lurking in the corner or the never ending dishes....nah...let's be real....I wouldn't...I would pass the hell out....I haven't slept normal in like 257 years....I take every chance I get to snooze. I fell asleep the other day waiting in the car for my daughter...no worries....I was in park....but I felt stupid when I woke myself up by snoring.....oh well...could have been worse.....one time I fell asleep during a LeAnn Rimes concert on New Years Eve....yea...had a sitter...got all dressed up....thousands of people cheering and I'm fast asleep.....my friend (who had no kids) was not really pleased.....oh well....life with kids is an adventure....just not a glamorous one....So till all of the children are in college I will rock my sweats and slippers and pray to God that I don't smell something that makes me puke. Peace out!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Sew Wondering Why Do I Bother???

Anyone ever do anything for your kids that you know is a waste of time and in the long run they won't really appreciate anyway??? Like for my toddler it's homemade mac n cheese....I know she loves it and she will eat it....but 15 years from now....like it's going to mean anything....she will never remember what type of mac n cheese she at as a very small child....so why bother right????
And right now for this exact moment in the world.....my waste of time is the friggen Halloween costume I am constructing for the baby. It's really just working my last nerve....my string keeps snapping...I'm sort of working in the dark and I almost cut the tip of my right thumb off....I'm fairly certain before the night is over my sewing machine will find it's way outside and into the street...then it's smartass will find my car running it over....and over and over some more. Why does the baby need a home created costume anyway???? Why am wasting time and effort on a costume she won't really care about? A cute costume is a cute costume who cares if it was purchased or made???? Did I think by sewing it myself that she would love me more or that other parents would look at me and think...Wow what an amazing mother....she took the time to think of and fashion a really great costume for her child??? I'm soooooooo fucking stupid....no parents think this....and you do you want to know why??? Because they are too busy chasing their own rabid, hopped up on cheap candy, insane children! They will never ever notice the costume I have spent hours on...that I have spilled my own blood on....the outfit that has caused me to sit under my desk and swill wine like a homeless person while quietly sobbing on....sigh. You ask....why continue??? Why not just go buy one.....well...I have so much money and effort into this mother fucker to quit....and I now intend to wrap the bitch up and give it to my child on their wedding day....and make them look at every stitch and every fabric and every little blood stain that went into this mentally scarring, life sucking costume....it can be the something old....and if by chance my darling child does not appreciate my work....I will so effin load the wedding cake and all the bottles of champagne into my car and peel out of the parking lot while waiving my middle finger in the air. Whhheeewwww I feel better...now if you will excuse me...I have some more sewing to do...how much you wanna bet that by morning I have busted out the hot glue gun and said fuck it???? Peace Out!

Monday, October 4, 2010


My adorable toddler the thief.....I know I have already written about her shoplifting....however I need to share...it's my form or therapy and with all her little adventures in the stores that I have to keep paying for I can't afford a shrink so I vent to y'all about it. A few weeks ago we were at a large store....you know one of those that sells a bit of everything....while I was looking at patterns for Halloween costumes my adventurous toddler decides to haul ass down and around another aisle so my teen went running after her...they come back and my toddler is desperately clinging to a bag of bright pink jordan almonds...frustrated we put her in the cart and told her she could hold onto them.....about 13 seconds later I look at her and her friggen cheeks are all puffed out like a roided out squirrel and she's chewing vigorously on something! I grab the bag out of her hands and it wasn't opened so I shove my fingers in her mouth and start to pry whatever is in there out only to find like 13 jordan almonds!!! WTF?!.....I asked her did you open the bag??? She just smiles at me with that look....you know like the one men give you after they have just farted under the sheets.....so I start looking the bag over again and finally found a tiny opening right in a crease.....I think dang how did she get all those out of the bag and in her mouth in that little amount of time....but I'm like whatever we will just buy them.....well that was till I found out that were $9.00....are you serious????? It's crappy stale wedding candy....you have got to be pulling my dick....I can buy two pizzas for that and feed the whole family....nine bucks....I know hookers that charge less then that for a bj......(no I will not forward that info on to you so don't ask!) I felt like not feeding her for a day to pay for the damn almonds....but she would just start gnawing on my arm and my ER co-pay is like 75 bucks so it's totally not worth it.....moral of the story....duct tape you children's hands together when you are shopping...or perhaps keep them in the cart to begin with...but I like the duct tape thing better because it takes up less room in the cart and I need the space for my boxes of wine and Twinkies....Peace out!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Warning....This Is About Sex Organs!

So...the other day I was going threw this sex toy catalouge....I was doing research...(LOL...take that how you want to) and I came across this adorable battery operated vagina. It was a really pretty shade of pink and almost looked like a flower....I said to my husband...Babe look at this adorable fake vagina...he glances over and says...Oh yea...that's what yours looks like...then he continues with whatever he was doing. I just sat there with that....hubby say what...look...you know, one eyebrow cocked and mouth half open....thinking he's smoking crack. Here's the deal--- I have given birth to two children...after the first one I had approx. 30 stitches...and the second one needed help getting out so my lovely doc went in elbow deep to pull her out...you just can't come back from that!!!! I do my own gardening...and trust me my whoo haa looks nothing like a pretty pink orchid...it looks more like a chipmunk that got run over. The only beautiful thing about it... is that it still works. Think about it...if that kind of trauma happened to your ear...it wouldn't friggen work anymore...the doctors would fill it with spackle (or whatever doctors use) and tell you to wear your hair long.....but when your juice box get's damaged they tell you to do some kegels and your all better....and it's true....tight as spandex on a drag queen once again...just not as attractive. But you know what rocks??? My hubby still loves my girly bits and can't get enough of it! I thank the inventor of the light switch....what you can't see won't scare the crap out of you. LOL Have a great day.

Read If You Can't Get Any!

(huff)....I am so over hearing from my single girlfriends about how they can't get laid.....shut up...if you have a vagina....you can get sex. The problem with these chicks is they really want more than a shag...or...they are to picky about who they want to roll around with. If you honestly just need to get down and boogie then I tell you my friends it's possible....but stop being a retard....Don't expect the sexiest man alive to be out and about on the exact same night you feel like dropping your panties. Don't expect this guy to be single. Don't talk to much....stupid stupid stupid....all they want is enough chit chat to make sure you are on the same page...page 69 they don't care why you are out or how your cat is...or even your last name...and for the love of flavored condoms do not talk about your ex! Now...to catch a one night bed buddy...dress the part.....no super vampy outfit...they will assume you are out of the question....however...not to casual either....nice jeans and cute top....shoes...well roll with whatever you want just nothing to masculine....it freaks them out. DON'T BE FRUMPY.....no one wants to bang the frump girl....yuck.
Now that you have picked out a guy to get crazy with....here are some rules....never go to your place....you don't want them knowing where you live or worse....wanting to use your shower in the morning...gross. When you walk in the door....stop speaking all together.....you might bore them to death and they will fall asleep...most likely he's had a few drinks....so stop drinking too or you will have to deal with whiskey dick....no fun. DO NOT give him a blow job.....if he blows his load there is no need for him to try and please you....so just knock him down and hop on. Do not look around his place and try to figure out what kind of guy he is...that is not why you are there....get yours and go! Don't have any after talk other than “call me a cab” and “I know I was awesome...shut up”.
Most of you ladies out there lie....the I just want sex line is bull...you want a man...and you try to turn a one nighter into a relationship and then get your feelings hurt....make sure you are ready for a relationship....meaning the thought of your exes don't send you into panic attacks or tears....you are not still married...and you are comfortable with yourself alone until you find the right guy.
I know....I have been in your shoes before...more than once...so learn from my mistakes. There is no Mr. Perfect....just Mr. Perfect For You. Your ideas of what you want are probly not what you need so do some thinking.....and while you are at it...look in the mirror.....are you really girlfriend material???? Last but not least stop asking me what is wrong with you....because from now on...I am going to tell you. Have a great day....be safe and text me all the details of your scandalous adventures the next morning.....

Vagina On The Rocks

I think it's funny when people don't like to use certain words....Like VAGINA....it cracks me up that they are so uncomfortable with it. Don't get me wrong I like nick names too...whoo hah, clam and furry burger are all great but sometimes they just don't have the same feel as VAGINA. Let's face it a vagina is something everyone likes....I like mine.....I like having it I like using it and it gives me a feeling of power (however wrong that may be lol). My husband likes my vagina even more than I do!!!!! So unless you are a gay man everyone else loves vaginas too....so why are so many people weird about it? I think vagina should be a paint color....your husband asks you what color he should paint the kid's playhouse....Oh I don't know, vagina pink would be nice. Or what color do you want your engagement cake to be....a lovely shade of vagina would soooo go with all the centerpieces!
Vagina should also be the name of a popular adult beverage......(ok here is where you find out why I need a job, I think of weird stuff all the time)....here is the scenario for the drink:

A lonely pilot (I had to use a pilot so my buddy would appreciate this story) just got home from a long flight on a Friday night....he's walking around town trying to not go home to his boring empty apartment....he passes a bar he realizes he's never been in so he takes a peek in threw the window...It's charming and quiet...wood floors, old fashioned bar, a few dart boards and the hottest bartender he's ever seen. He takes a deep breath and goes inside...there's a few guys at the bar but a nice open spot at the end....he walks up and takes a look at her....he can hardly contain his erection...she's about 5"7 long gorgeous hair, lush full lips, huge amazing boobs and those sexy smokey fuck me eyes....she sees him and smiles, he tries not to look like an asshole so he nods....she walks over and asks him what he wants and then winks at him...he orders a sweet wet vagina....she bites her lip and proceeds to mix his drink...she asks him...do you want to put anything into it?...he says oh yes..so she drops in two maraschino cherries and smiles....then she leans her breasts into the bar and slowly starts to push the vagina towards him and says....that's $35.00....the pilot all of sudden jumps back and yells $35.00!!!! I can make one at home for free!!! The bartender yells back....this is top shelf motherfucker! Go ahead home and enjoy your cheap shit alone! He then realizes she's right....enjoying a self made vagina by yourself is not the same as going out and getting a good one from a pro...he drops to his knees and begs....I'm sorry...I was stupid I really want your vagina! She tells him to go and stop wasting her time. He leaves...he looks back in the window and sees another man licking the sweet sugar off the rim of what was suppose to be his perfect vagina...he walks home almost in tears down the cold dark road and realizes.....a good vagina is priceless.

See...told ya I need a job...lol Don't forget to tip your waitresses!

We've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All!

I don't know how to lightly approach this subject so I guess I will just dive right on in...there is no secret that I have been married 3 times....I have a few kids...watched a few pornos and have HBO....I have seen a few sets of balls in my time. Let me tell you a big giant sack is worth looking for....and very hard to find...my current hubby (that sounds awful) has a damn set of catchers mitts between his legs....just the most giant testicles I have ever friggen seen....and at first they freaked me the fuck out....just from pure shock....now that I have had some one on one time with them...they are the best thing ever....I just love them! Giant balls have some really nice advantages too.... it's kinda like upgrades for a car....a basic model works just fine but if you can get a few extras...you enjoy it more...so...first on the list is...massive cojones are more durable...yep they can take much more aggression...so a little too much tooth or a squeeze that is too tight a pull that's a bit rough here and there does end a good spanking session. Second...when your man is in....uh...full swing....so are his jolly knockers...I like to call it the pleasure pat....it's most effective during doggie style however a little ass pat during missionary is nice too....mmmmmmm mommy like. Third...well let's face it...bragging rights....now I know there are still a few classy girls left out there that do not discuss such matters...however...ya'll are few and far between and the rest of us discuss our mans junk and his ability to use it....and if we are really good friends we don't lie about it either. Nothing is better than being able to smile proudly and say my husband has some huge ass jungle berries and fat dick to go with them....own up to it ladies...we all want to be tore up and pleasured till we pass out and not all men can do that....and a man with a large gift bag has a major advantage....plus it's straight up cool when your guy is sitting there with a giant bulge in his pants and all the other chicks see that it's just dying to sprawl out and be let loose from it's confines of jeans and jockey shorts.... and in our head we are all like ha ha bitches...that's what I'm playing with tonight!!!!! As nice women we all like to make up for what our guys lack with little sayings like....he can go forever or....his hands are like magic....that all means he has a smaller set of frank and beans that we would have liked and he has no idea how to use them...it's sorta tragic how we feel that we need to say such things...and it's stressful trying to think of them. SO.....all in all if you are a single gal on the prowl for a man...make sure his steak and eggs are enough to satisfy your sexual appetite or you will be tempted to check out a different menu....and no love is not enough.....love is a very very large part of what makes a relationship tick...however...if his skills in the bedroom suck and you find yourself telling your mate to go drinking with his buddies so you can stay home with a bottle of wine and a vibrator....that love will turn to annoyance and you will be apartment searching within the year. Here are some tips to help with the choosing of a partner....If he has small soft hands...chances are he has a small soft dick...run away. If he is not really into giving oral pleasures....it means he has already found out that he is bad at it....run away. If he cannot refer to his penis as a cock, dick or shaft.....and uses words like ding dong or thingy....he has no idea how to use his unmentioned penis and never will....run away. If he pulls down his pants and you don't immediately think DAMN....you never will and will soon find Chinese food and cake batter more satisfying....run away. I know we would all like to think we are nice girls and it's not all about size....but it is.... face it we don't want to feel like we are giving head to a toothpick or getting banged by a thermometer.....and if a guy has no idea how to please a lady by the time he's 20...it will never ever happen....you can't teach an old dog new tricks....especially one with a skinny willy and chili beans for nuts.
Oh...and we as women need to stop lying to men and telling them they have big turbo diesels in their pants when they don't....because then they get all cocky (ha ha get it) and want to use it all the time...then we gotta fake orgasms and pretend we have headaches etc....it's just more trouble than it's worth...if the asshole asks what you think of his tennis equipment he's trying to sell you just tell him that you need to test it out before you can purchase the product....if after a few games you are not impressed....tell him to find a chick that's 4'9 and pack it up ...life goes on.
Peace out my friends...I hope tonight you get ravaged till you are unable to walk....and if you don't I hope you have a chocolate cake in the fridge....

Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Advice To The Middle Aged Women Who Date....

Ladies....if I can even call you that....dating for dinner is no longer acceptable...maybe back in the 40's but not today....you can not as a single woman go out to eat with a single man and have nice conversation and some drinks and then just say peace out. It no longer works like that. Old friends are a maybe but not with new people or ex lovers.....now I'm not saying it's right that they expect a BJ or handjob for some wings and a margarita but a little heavy petting is implied especially if you are the one initiating the dinner. This day and age everyone is so sexed up that dinner is code for fellatio so if you are not prepared to ruin the knees of your new skinny jeans then stay the fuck home and watch The Notebook and order a pizza. You also can not ask a guy over to watch movies and not round 3rd base....and don't be a fridged bitch and say ahead of time something like....just so you know nothing is going to happen tonight....what are they gonna say....well piss on you I'm not coming over unless I get some nipple in my mouth. If you need company call a girlfriend to come over...if you need a boyfriend then throw go find one....don't use some poor schmuck to keep you occupied.....I'm sorry you are one kitten away from being the neighborhood cat lady but....it's pretty much like being a tease....and we all know how I feel about that....put out or stay home. This isn't high school....the days of being home by 10 and untouched are over. I'm not a fan of sluts but they don't screw with peoples minds.....they just screw.

STOP FINDING DATES ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!! If you sit home at night scouring Friend Finder, MySpace and Craigslist for a date....you are a loser....and will most likely end up raped, mugged or dead. If you can not saunter up to a guy and say hello...then how are able to give them your name and meet them for "dinner".....don't give me the bullshit about getting to know them...you can do that in person....when you meet them after you have said hello. Get off of your couch, put your vibe away and go meet people. I know sometimes it's hard and you have hit a rough spot in life and you don't feel like you have the magic anymore.....get over it....finding a loser that lives above his aunt's garage and looks for sex on the internet is really not a step in the right direction....put your spanx and heels on and go hunting....there are a million places to find men....I suggest Home Depot at around 8pm....that means they have a job...otherwise they would be there during the day and it means they have drive.....both very good things....but be careful if he's in the garden section....that might mean gay....look to see if he does the hand on the hip thing.....
Well....better go....I need to update the security settings on my FB....some old serial killer looking assfuck just sent me a friend request...Peace out!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Jekyll & Hubby

Question. ...do you have an alter ego in the bedroom? I don't.....unless I've had some tequila...but that can go from superfreak to puking in the bathtub real quick so it's not worth working with....however my hubby has one....he's like the Hulk....if I get him all reved up it's like he disappears....and this other more aggressive, testosterone filled, adrenaline fueled caveman appears....I have named him Tim.....why Tim...that's an entirely different post.....but Tim does not do gentle or romance....Tim does the yank your hair, throw you around and bang you till your ovaries come out of your mouth kind of stuff. I'm not complaining ....it's really delicious stuff....however...I'm not always aware that Tim is in the room and I get caught off guard....its important that I take safety precautions if he's there...the other night Tim woke me up for some organ grinding and decided to flip me over....well me not realizing this was about to happen I didn't brace myself and I almost broke my knee.....it twisted the wrong way and I didn't stick the landing.....I yelped out in pain like a chihuahua but Tim didn't even notice...he just kept on busying himself....no worries I'm ok....just had to ice it for a few days.....and the end result of it all was more then delightful....
I remember the first time I met Tim....he scared the hell out of me....there's a look in the eye....and a bit of a growl....I felt like a rabbit that just realized it was being hunted....I almost ran away...in fact I started to scoot across the bed wondering what was going on.....and quickly realized it was over he was up in my...uh....face.....before I could even think of what to do.....it was that night I learned the difference between getting some and getting ravaged.....and Momma liked it. The only slight down side is that I bruise easily...so it's not hard to tell when I have been bounced around a few times.....well and one time I pulled a muscle.....and that time I jammed my toe....but those are small prices to pay to the sex gods for lusty carnal love. I don't know exactly what unleashes the inner beast but I'm glad I can do it.....my front door is not so happy with it....it creeks a little now....but hey with an ass like mine it's lucky that it's still in tact. Well better go....I need to restock my night table...gotta have plenty of water, a fresh towel and an two ice packs...one for whatever limb I damaged and one for my freshly buttered muffin. Peace out!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Pick Pocketbook

Well....I'm pretty sure I win the awesome mom of the year award again....why you ask...well....my toddler is a criminal. Let me give you a little back story...I love to shop....I love to shop a lot...I have a problem...but I'm pretty broke most of the time so I started what I call treasure hunting....which means scouring thrift stores, garage sales and Craigslist....I buy all sorts of crap that I either turn into something else or I stock pile tons of crap just knowing one day my friend will need to buy a vintage silver purse and TA DA!!!! I just happen to have one....told you I was off....anyways....somehow in all of this I got my toddler addicted to purses and wallets and almost everytime we enter any store she picks out a purse and a wallet to carry around and if they are cheap enough she gets one....well one day I went to this shopping plaza a few cities away and was super stoked because it had a thrift shop and a Goodwill...fucking sweet!!!!! I get the double stroller out....get the kids all situated and make my way into the thrift shop....but like the second I enter the store everything goes friggen haywire....it's filled with old ladies....we all know I hate old people...the place is really tiny cuz it's under construction so pushing my stretch limo of a stroller is next to impossible and the baby decided to shit her pants....my hubby who is me with finds the bathroom to change her but there is no changing table so he has to lay her on the floor on top of like a million paper towels and then proceeds to change my loudly screaming infant.....did I mention it's like 276 degrees???? The old ladies actually start pounding on the bathroom door asking if the baby is ok....like he's in there beating her and then going to tell them...No...She's bleeding to death please come back in an hour...stupid old bats.....as I'm trying to maneuver the stroller around so I can just fucking leave I knock over a basket of silverware....nice ....so we just say screw it and leave.
Assuming we will have a better time at the Goodwill we go there....yay...nice big aisles.....the air is on and there are fewer nearly dead people shuffling around.....as I start to look at stuff I realize my toddler has not started screaming for a purse so I look down to find her playing with a hot pink wallet....she catches my eye...holds up the wallet and yells "Momma look at my wallet!"....and it hits me....she shoplifted it from the thrift store....and I didn't even fucking notice!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god...I'm going to hell....not knowing what to do I grabbed it from her and shoved it in my purse....which caused her to start yelling for purses.....sigh.
Now this is not her first time getting a five finger discount....when she was like 10 months old she stole a tape measure from a certain store that sells lumber and tools etc....we found it in her fluffy seat cover thing after we were in the car.....so...I'm pretty sure she's a career criminal. I really hope my oldest daughter marries a lawyer (because she plans on being a plastic surgeon so she will be to busy to become one herself) my toddler will most likely need the services of an experienced attorney....
Oh bye the way I went back to the thrift store...by myself...and stuck money into the donation jar....the wallet was too cute to return...they made like a 50 percent profit on it...so I don't feel too horrible :) Well...better go....gotta hit the Salvation Army....there's a sale on green tag items! No worries...."Winona" will be home with her big sissy....Peace out.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Do You See What I See????

The other day we went to drop off my teen at the mall with her friend.....then the rest of the fam and I decided to run some errands...after a long hot afternoon our last stop was Lowe's .....with the baby asleep and the toddler in a good mood I decided to wait in the car with the kids and just let the hubs run in....I guess somewhere between singing some Lady Gaga and Patty Cake I noticed my boobs were askew so I dove into the front of my pink t-shirt and started adjusting my bazoombas....with the fun bags in place I start pulling my arms out and look up to find a little old lady staring at me. Now realizing how weird this must have looked I decided to just continue to creep her out and instead of a friendly smile or just ignoring her I quickly whipped both my hands out and placed them up to face and then deeply inhaled......like it was fine wine or perhaps some sexy cologne on my hubby's neck. I took a quick peek at the old lady to find her with her hands over her mouth and a look of fright on her face....aaahhhhhh.....gotta love it! To top it off I licked my finger tip as if it were covered with sugar....this made my crypt keeper observer flee.....ha ha ha ha ha.....it doesn't get any sweeter than that....but the whole ordeal reminded me of time I was once again waiting in the car and noticed a cabby parked under a tree....he was bopping his head to some music and all of a sudden he friggen pulled out his dentures and started looking at them! He had this odd look as if something were wrong (at this point it could have been anything) and then....he licked them!!!!!! OMFG He licked his fucking false teeth...like a giant Popsicle!!!!! Gag me with a damn spoon! I squealed like a small child and covered my eyes....when I look up he had replaced his teeth and had gone back to rocking out with the radio.....I will forever be leery of cab drivers....as if I didn't think they were odd enough......I have seen The Bone Collector! Well homies better go...I'm going to CVS I hear they have a 2 for 1 on floss. Peace out!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Sticky Situation

....When you have a handful of kids...two of which are under the age of 3 and insist on sleeping with you....it really does not leave a lot of extra time for nookie....however...last night I got lucky...ha get it?? It was like 1AM and both little ones were actually in their own beds...woot woot....time for some sweet sweet hurry up quietly before one of the babies wakes up naughty monkey love.....and it was just the way I like it....me go twice and then finish him off!!!!....but....currently we are using the oh so brilliant pull out method....shut up don't judge me....my Mirena fell the fuck out and I can't remember to take the pill....so we are back to something I would never advise to any of my children.....in fact it's the reason one of my kids is even here....well...back to my story....I skamper off to the bathroom to clean up and I notice my teen is still awake....oh flippen hell...yea her bedroom door is open and TV is still on...wtf....she is never awake at this hour...so I quick grab a towel and run back to my room....I do a quick wipe down, throw my jammies back on and fall asleep. Around 3AM I have to pee....but I'm soooo tired....I try to ignore it but then I get afraid of pissing myself during a bad dream or something so I decide to just go tinkle and get it over with....I get in, shut the door and pull down my shorts....FFFFUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!!! Oh my god....did I just get a Brazilian wax???? Apparently I didn't get all the jizz off my bush before I put my panties on....and now I'm on my knees in the bathroom...face against the wall, tears in my eyes trying to not to scream......after I calm down and the pain has slightly decreased I crawl up onto the potty....I look down to see that my undies now look like a god damn Chia Pet! I don't even feel like dealing with them so I just take them off and throw them out.....they were ugly old grannies anyways...at least they went out with a bang....I go back to bed and make a few mental notes....get on some better birth control and first thing in the morning get the hedge clippers out and trim my vag! Well better go...I need to get an ice pack out of the freezer....my whoo hah is still throbbing....but.....not from the hair removal ;).....ya'll are jealous and you know it! Peace out!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Bathroom Bummers

So I acquired this cat...and he's awesome....however... he has this quirk...if there is even one turd in his cat box he will no longer poop in it....so...still needing to crap he decides to go dump somewhere else...usually somewhere really awesome like next to my bed or in the sink....and at first this kinda pissed me off....till I realized that this is not abnormal at all because if I needed to go drop a deuce and someone had left a floater for me I would be highly annoyed!!!!! I too would find another place to unload my sha-doub...ya'll know what I mean...you go into the bathroom at Target or something and your Starbucks has just kicked in and you have to venti your mocha chino....you push open a stall door and BLAH a giant poop slurrie in the bowl....no effin thanks...so now you scoot two doors down and find some nasty whore left a tampon in that one....two doors down again and thank God a clean one....you skamper in to find the friggen door doesn't lock but your turtle head is about to see daylight so you decide drop trow and try to hold the door shut with your leg....that's when the fire typhoon comes blazing out of your ass along with a fart parade to the tune of 76 Trombones.....and at this point you could care the fuck less who hears because that whole mess could have been in let free your capri pants...the only thing that now separates me from the picky pussycat is he can shit on the rug by the front door and I can't....well that and I clean my butthole with extra soft toilet paper instead of my tongue....well gotta go....I'm gathering my pennies so I can purchase one of those self cleaning cat boxes that rakes the tootsie rolls up after each use....and perhaps one of those extend a hand gadgets to flush the potty for me if there are any unavailable clean potties next time I'm out and about to shit myself. Peace out!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Making Mouths Happy

I have decided that there needs to be Mentos mints for your asshole.....I'm sure gay men everywhere would agree with me....and also some little breath strip things for the vagina.....you know how it goes....we get all showered and shaved, dressed up, hair and makeup done....etc...then we go out, eat dinner have drinks....maybe dance a little ....next thing you know hours have gone by and your taco and buttcrack are a smidge bit sweaty and now you are not so sure that your undercarriage is ready for some quality face time....what do you do??? Personally I break out the baby wipes and hope for the best...but not everyone is as thoughtful as I am and...not everyone has a purse as big as I do....wouldn't it be great if you had a little packet that could fit in your pocket or stylish clutch that held a clam cleaner and rear entrance refresher???? Right before you leave to go sit on a chin you just stick a Tic Tac sized magic pellet into your booty and lay a little pussy pleaser strip down and away you go worry free....Tell me the truth all you labia lickers out there.....a minty whiff coming out from those lacy panties would be nice right????....and probably make you more apt to do a thorough job right?????? And we all know that there is not a damn soul out there that is willing to tongue tickle to a crusty smelling cornhole.....
So, I'm going to get together with the makers of KY and Orbitz Gum and see what we can come up with....untill then...be a thoughtful sexual partner and carry some wetnaps or something. Oh hell...I almost forgot...stinky balls...I'm afraid there is not a whole lot of advice I can give you other then keep your berries groomed...spray a little deodorant on them before you leave the house and if you are lucky your conquest will spill a beer on your crotch.....maybe we could come up with a mini tree air freshener you hang in your boxers (good for 4-6 weeks bitches!)....hmmmm.....that's really not a horrible idea...just hang it on the button of your britches or around your dick and whoowaahhh your all set.....lmfao.....I'm sorry I'm just picturing what it would be like to rip my husband pants down and start to gobble on his knob to find that his nuts smelled like a brand new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Peace Out!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

"Goodwill Hunting"

Anyone ever have Thrift Store Sex???? You know...when you just need a sure fire lay so you go to the bar...find the lonely, sad, obviously freshly dumped sack of sadness perched on a barstool. They still have a few tears in their eyes and cell phone clenched in their hand just in case the ex decides to call saying they have changed their minds...oh...just to make sure you are not about to proposition someone who got fired your future ugly bumper will have some sort of weird ass drink sitting in front of them like a Mai Tai or Amaretto Sour.....they think it makes them look interesting and fun to chat with... Also, they are trying very hard to look put together, even though they want to be in dirty jammies on the couch in a Valium coma...but in an effort to find validation their hair is done perfectly, they have nice shoes and new pants/skirt, but they are still wearing either his old college sweatshirt or the gay ass microfiber long sleeve she gave him for Christmas (not sure why you would want to be with an asshole that gave you such an awful shirt...what a toad).....there they sit with nervous finger tapping and weak smiles...in desperate need of someone to make them feel worth something now that they have been cast aside like a crappy jewelry box or a broken rotisserie oven....they have now become...thrift store fodder. This my friend is the easiest way to get you some sweet sweet nookie.....and all it takes is a wink and for you to ask them something...anything...it really does not matter.....I would go with either what they do for a living or if they are from a soap opera....then like a wonderful gift from God all of a sudden their need to have sex is launched like Nasa space shuttle and trust me....they are pleasers! For some reason they use every trick they know of, have done, have read about or thought about doing....trying to prove (to themselves mostly) that it definitely wasn't the sex that made their significant others jump ship...and if you drink plenty of Gatorade...you usually score 3 good romps before leaving at dawn with a sore shoulder and broken toe (ceiling fans are a bitch!)....Now listen up.... this is where you need to be exceptionally careful....bagging a thrift store piece of ass can go terribly wrong....75% of the time you will endure a 3 week stalking period....and if you want to use and abuse this "privilege"...well it makes you a giant asshole but so did the initial act of picking up sloppy seconds at the local watering hole so what's 3 more weeks???? Your conquest (AKA target so easy you didn't even need to brush your teeth) will do just about anything for your attention...they will empty their bank accounts and whisk you away to Vegas...they will cut your grass, pick up your dry cleaning and bake you a pie......they will also initiate insane sexual stunts (indoors, outdoors, leather, costumes and electric fly swatter).....BUT..... it comes with the creepy stuff....homemade paper mache sculptures of you and them together under a heart shaped archway, t-shirts with your pics on them that read "forever" and you being monitored like ADT through your office windows from a tree across the street with 500.00 newly acquired binoculars....so, if that is not your fancy, you can always go for the totally ignore them route....you will still get stalked and your car tires may get slashed (more then once) but that's just part of the territory...either way, keep an eye on your pet rabbit.
I bet you are wondering about the other 25%....ok....some of these crushed, sad souls just need that one night of happiness...that 4 hours of feeling good and knowing someone wanted them and then they become your genuine friend...ya'll will meet for coffee once a month...maybe catch a movie from time to time and chat on Facebook late at night when you can't sleep. One day they will meet the real person of their dreams and you will honestly be happy for them....and now every time you see a second hand store you will reminisce about them and smile to yourself...I know anytime I drive by a Salvation Army I think about...............................oops sorry technical difficulties. Happy shopping! Peace Out!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Should Have Been A Crazy Cat Lady....

Sunday....a family day....and today was kind of lazy day for me as I was getting over a bad pizza...that's not what I'm here to discuss...it was terrible terrible time....it was worse then finding a dead body in a port-a-potty on a hot summer day...so I'm trying to forget about it....anyways....my wonderful hubby was busy making a kick ass meal in the smoker...my oldest agreed to watch the baby so I decided to take my toddler to lunch for some nice Mommy/Daughter time....in theory it sounded like a great time...however I should have known from the get go that all hell was about to break loose....as we left the house and made our way to the driveway....she tripped over her own feet and fell...not just a fall...a rolling fall....she went head over heals twice and landed all sprawled out with her leg up on the trash can...poor thing...I pick her up, get her dusted off and I set her next to me...I go to open my door so that I can put my purse and phone down...not realizing she had moved and I banged her in the fucking head!!!!!!! She starts bawling and yelling "Mamma why did you do that?! Why did you hurt my head?!"...I felt so awful...I'm a really sucky mom...I hug her and kiss her...get her buckled into her seat and away we go....we get to our fine dining destination of McDonald's...she's stoked...she LOVES fries...I have the worst service ever....but that is a whole other blog....as I am waiting for the happy meal some guy comes up to me and asks if I'm Amanda....I tell him no...he tries to apologize but my lovely daughter takes over and sticks her finger in his face while shouting "YOU GO AWAY! GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!" ...I can't help but laugh a little....so we find ourselves a nice little booth and start eating....we are talking and being silly....till the same man walked by our table to get to the garbage....and my toddler threw her drink at him....yep...before I could even react she grabs her drink, whips it like a varsity softball player and pegs him in the shoulder.....also while yelling "GO AWAY"....I could have crapped my pants....I didn't know what to do..my jaw dropped and I just looked at her.....then quickly started to apologize....but the dude just said it was ok and left looking like he was going to kill himself....taking his lead we packed our shit up and took off as well....I carried her to the car, set her down to open the door and she took off like friggen Flo Jo....down a hill over a curb and into the street...I drop my purse and go after her...catch her by her pigtail and pull her away right before a minivan damn near ran her over.....I'm not pleased...not pleased at all! After the near death experience, a lot of crying and me pissing in my grannies...we go to the store....and at first all is going well....I'm finding all sorts or bargains...she's holding some giant purse that she could literally fit into and we are singing some Lady Gaga (just dance, gonna be ok...doo do doo)....until my sweet little dumpling spots the dressing rooms....once again she's gone....she gets inside one and locks herself in....at first she's laughing with extreme delight....till she can't unlock the god forsaken thing and she starts to panic....now I have to drop my fat ass to the ground and try to crawl underneath....this sucks balls...I weigh 250lbs....do you know how hard it is to squeeze that amount of fat threw a 6 inch opening???!!!! Well...I did succeed...and as the fitting room door opens she tries to take off again....this time I just grab her up and leave...she's screaming about how she want to shop and that she will be good....but I know better....because she's Satan and Satan will tell you anything (oh eat the apple...it's no biggie or mommy I will hold your hand...nothing but total bullshit)....the lucky for me part was that there was a gentlemen leaving at the exact same time with a small child who was also having a level 10 tantrum...he looks at me and says "why do I even try?".........you know misery loves company....but that's when I realized....boarding school is definitely in my daughter's near future....I think I have had enough family time for one day...I need some Tylenol and a glass of wine....and maybe a tazer for the next outing...just to keep my nutjob in check....Yes I am dumb enough to go out again...I really wanted this hot purse I saw at the store....but this time my rabid child will be sporting an adorable pink straight jacket and a bedazzled muzzle....Peace Out!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Boogers And Poopy And Vomit Oh My!

You can always tell a non-parent from a parent....and it's so much fun to mess with them....every time I sniff my kid's ass to see if she has poop a non-parent gets this most horrified look on their face. I love it. However....could you tell me a better way???? I have seen other parents actually stick their finger into the diaper....are you friggen kidding me???!!! I mean getting some doo doo on you from time to time is a part of life as a parent but to go digging for turds.....you have lost your diaper changing mind! I sometimes look....if the outfit is willing....but sometimes the little tootsie rolls are hidden in the buttcrack so I prefer the sniff method....it's not like I inhale deeply like I would on a Sharpie.....just a little whiff will do..besides...it's not the only stinky thing babies have for you...puke...sweaty underchin....and awesome formula burps....all super fab scents....babies are like little drunken frat guys....they eat, shit and smell....and can't dress themselves.....they just cost less in bail money....and they don't steal your car...but pretty much picture your first college boyfriend and there you go. Just this morning my darling little one woke me up by pissing on me...that's right....after an early morning bottle we fell asleep all snuggled up...and then she exceeded pee limit in the diaper and urinated all over me and my new Egyptian cotton.....sigh....oh well....probably won't be the only member of the family to whizz on them...especially if I get knocked up again....and as far as fluids a baby gets on you....a little pee is really not a biggie....just wait till they yack up some sweet potatoes in your hair....now that's a good time ;)
Ok...bye the way all you non-parents...here's the deal...just because my kids are screaming and throwing shit...I'm not leaving the store....do you know what a pain in the ass it is to load up 8 million kids, a double stroller and a few diaper bags???? yea...it's easier for you to leave and come back later so fuck off....I need my juice boxes and gummy snacks or the little buggers will set my kitchen on fire....and when you come into the bathroom and heaven forbid I am changing my child on the diaper thing....shut the fuck up!!!! Little comments like....do that in the car or could you take up anymore room...only make me toss the diaper over the stall door onto your head...did you know that once upon a time you were a baby and you too crapped your pants???? Do you think your mother really appreciated those snippy comments??? Yea...think about dillhole!
Oh and non-parents...it is never ever ever ok to touch our children...I know you think how fun it would be to pinch the chubby cheeks or tickle the little toes...but you will get beaten to death....we all fear the worst when out in public.....that some sicko is going to make off with our kids and do horrible things to them....so if you move in on our precious poopers we will kill you and we will have the help of other parents and you will need your dental records....just a warning.
One more thing...when my toddler is screaming for a sucker and I appear to be ignoring her....stay the hell out of it.....maybe she didn't eat lunch...or maybe she just had one or maybe just maybe I had to cut a chunk of hair off that the last blue sucker stained...so....when you think hey...what's the big deal it's just a sucker....you try prying one off the back of your headrest and see if you feel they need another one....piss off!
NOW...onto the Super-parents....ya'll suck....no kids are perfect and mine....well they don't have a chance in hell in coming close....I don't want your advice on how to quiet a tantrum or how to teach the inside voice....I've tried that..the apple does not fall far from the tree so the best I can hope for is no juvi....
Well...better go...the toddler is wedged under my bed and the Hannah Montana movie is about to end so she's going to notice she's stuck... Peace out!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I should have a real job...but this is more fun...

One of my hobbies is sewing...and when I say sewing I mean....tacking shit together for the fun of it....I have no talent and no idea what I'm doing....but I enjoy pretending. One of my recent projects was this moo moo....I bought it at Goodwill for $2.99...I altered the length and the sleeves...made a dorky belt for color and stuck some tulle on the bottom for that junior high semi-formal look...I will add tulle to just about anything...it's like my fav thing....well that and glitter :) Anywhooo....just thought I would share my stuff with you.....sorry the pics didn't turn out...kinda dark...however you get the idea!
Better go...I'm working on a leather monocle/face mask thing.....it's pretty groovy....but I doubt I will be wearing it to parent pickup! Peace out :)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Yes...You Are An Idiot

You know what I hate???? Stupid dumb bitches.....like anyone that dates K-Fed or Jon Gosslin....totally deserves to get gonorrhea....it is very public that these guys are worthless turds and yet they keep finding retarded hookers to spend time with. When are women going to learn that people do not change??? They may adjust a little but come on...a shit is a shit is a shit....like me....yes I'm a shit...and most of the people in the world can not tolerate me...and few thought I could be "fixed"...well....they were way off....however after many tries (not like hundreds...but you know a couple)...I found a man that for the most part can put up with me...and he knew what he was getting into....you know why...because he wasn't fooling himself....guys usually don't....chicks on the other hand always make excuses for men....STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.....if you need to defend a guy...then he's not worth it! I don't care if his dog just died or his ex is Satan....I don't care that he suffers from small dick syndrome....he's a douche!!!!!!! You know it too....you just don't want to believe it.....and guess what I don't feel sorry for you if you let yourself get jacked over by him....have you not learned your lesson from the last guy that stole your car and banged your hair stylist???? I understand that shit happens...but when you see it coming and you jump right in.....you deserve to paddle in the pool of crap...
You know what else I hate???? Stupid dumb bitches that ask my advice and when I give it to them they act like I am a dickhead....if you don't want to know what I think...don't ask me....I will tell you that you look fat or your hair is gay or that yes the dork you met on MySpace slightly reminds me of child molester.....so if you honestly don't want to know....then ask your cat. I'm to old for beating around the bush and with all my kids you are damn lucky I answered your call to begin with so let's not waste my time.
Now...just so you know...I'm not honest with people because I like to hurt feelings (well not the feelings of people I like)....I just think if you can't be honest with yourself....someone needs to tell you....I have thanked many a folks after it was too late and I didn't listen..so now I really do take what people have to say into consideration....I also try to not repeat history....but believe I always find new inventive ways to fuck myself over....it's a gift. I would prefer my loved ones not be screwed and perhaps take a lesson from me....cuz trust me...the school of hard knocks is not about getting banged till your toes tingle..wish I had known that before I enrolled in the class....
Life is frustrating enough...don't add to your stress by trying to find love where it's just not going to happen....and don't ever ever ever wear red spandex....that's just wrong..for everyone...all of the time....that shit should never have been invented.....
Well better go...I have an e-mail to send to Jesse James....he's going to be single soon ;) no worries....I don't want to marry the slut...I just wanna see him naked. LOL Just kidding...my husband is way hotter and much less promiscuous than that jackass! Peace out!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sunday Funday My Ass!

Well my day yesterday was not so wonderful....and after a long day of bullshit I went to bed thinking that when I woke up it would be a fresh new awesome day...better and happier then the one I was leaving behind....well...I was way fucking wrong. Instead of the happy morning with babies giggling, birds chirping and eggs cooking....I woke up to find the dog ate something bad and dropped 3 large piles of diarrhea by the front door....thanks for barking and getting let out...asshole....oh well...then I go to roust my teen up and I find my retarded cat had coughed up and enormous nasty hairball next to her head....so I had to wake her to tell her not to move so that she wouldn't roll in it....can you imagine that drama????....I swear that girl can sleep through anything....I don't know if I feel bad for her future husband or not. Well once all that was taken care of I started to get ready for church (yes I go attend church...shut up) my makeup is on...my hair is done...I'm about to get dressed and BAM....down I go....my foot got stuck in the friggen baby gate...I over corrected and ran into the dresser and ended up face firmly planted on the ground....screaming like I was in a horror flick the whole way down....it totally sucked sack...my toes were throbbing my hip and face were hurt and my pride was a tad bit bruised....after a good cry I pulled my shit together and left....I was going to get a coffee to try and perk up a bit but nooooooo.....every other asshole in town had the same idea and the line of the drive through was like 27 cars deep...sigh...oh well....off to pray I go....I turn up the radio and and start singing some Daughtry (I'm coming home, to a place where I belong...) and the sky lets loose....bolts of lightning, loud claps of thunder and rain...lots and lots and lots of hard rain....Son of a bitch....and as per usual I was beyond late so I got the last space in the lot..so I crawled my fat ass in the back seat...which is a lot harder then it sounds...I am in a tiny little clown car...I have a huge purse and heels on...the carseat takes up most of the backseat and I have not stretched....I honestly thought I tore my butthole...however I made it without breaking any windows or honking the horn so I consider it a success....I unlatched the baby, grabbed the bottle and made a run for it....I looked like a wet well dressed cat by the time I got to the door.....and the Pastor (who is so sweet thank goodness) was just about to go in when he saw me...I apologized for being late and for dripping water all over the narthex...he just winked at me like...typical crazy lady...and let me in. Church was great...and the rain had calmed down some so I thought my day was getting better....but once again I was dead wrong....I guess I too had devoured something that did not agree with me and I ended up making several trips to turd town all afternoon....but the day was not all lost....I got to read my new Marie Claire magazine while sitting on the pot and found if I lean against the sink with a balled up towel for a pillow I can almost fall asleep while crapping myself to death. I also decided I want an ottoman for the bathroom....one that has a plug in for my cell phone (I Facebook while whizzing) and a place for the magazines.....I think lots of folks would buy an ottoman for the the potty....I will call it a Pottaman...and they will come in a variety of colors and a free bottle of jasmine scented hand sanitizer....
Anyways....I gotta go...my toddler got ahold of a jar of vapor rub...and well...we are all breathing much better.....now to try and get it out of her hair.....I really think it should be stylish for little girls to be bald!!!!! Peace out!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Eye am so annoyed.....

Grrrrrrrr.......I'm so fucking tired of my god awful unibrow!!!!!!!! It's constant upkeep...I wax, tweeze and even use that stinky cream and two hours later...it's back...I'm like friggen teen wolf...except I'm middle aged...and a female....and now to top it off my youngest child is going to hate me...it has become evident that she has also inherited the fuzzy brow gene....awesome....now I know what you are thinking...just get laser....well I would but...I have 8 million kids...so....that's on the bottom of the list of things to get....right under boob job... yes I would prefer to get big giant bajungas....why????....cuz no one will be looking at my eyes if I have huge amazing tits...duh. Back in the day when I didn't have a pack of evil yet adorable spawn...it wasn't as awful...I could take time everyday to groom my Bert & Ernie brow but now I only get to it like once a week....which sucks....and I pretty much need a flippen garden weasel to tame it...then...last time I got to it...I had some wine first...and now they are all jenked...and one is pretty much a half an inch shorter than the other...on the upside they get so damn long so fast I can just do a brow comb over.....I'm like the Donald Trump of brow land...
A few years ago I was complaining to my Grandmother about it...and asked why I was the only one in the family who had this issue...and she starts chuckling at me....then proceeds to tell me she had electrolysis done when she was in her 40's.....nice...all these years I thought I was a freak (no comments needed from ya'll) and here it was all her fault! So...I think I should do some sort of beatify the planet fundraiser and get my eye-stash corrected.....I would do a car wash but no one wants to see this all pressed up against a hood of a car...however I could use my eyebrows as a chamois.... I don't bake and I'm pretty sure no one wants to buy Pop Tarts from me....sooooo I need some better ideas....I could go door to door selling candy bars...but we all know I'm not hoofing my fat ass around the neighborhood trying to pawn off chocolate....I would however get a bottle of screw top wine, a chick flick and enjoy the candy much like I enjoy my husband....fast and crazy...I could put on a talent show...but my talents are limited and mostly naughty....I don't want to end up in jail with my man-like unibrow becoming some gangsta bitches boyfriend....bleh...so for the moment I'm at a loss.....and now ya'll know why I wear big weird sunglasses everywhere....Well...better go....I'm trying to design a cute piece of jewelry that covers the brows that will be accepted by general public and not just the circus....however in the mean time I need to run to Sally Beauty Supply and see if they have a mini blow torch...maybe I can singe it just enough that it wont come back. Burn Mother Fucker Burn!!!! Peace out!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Family Whack A Mole...

I think my family might be jinxed....yep...or at least the chicks are...maybe my husband put some sort of curse on us as payback for all the hormonal roller coasters we put him on...the other day all of the girls in the fam received some sort of groovy head injury....it started with me...which is only fitting being the matriarch and all....I gotta lead by example you know. We were checking out at Goodwill and I was all excited because I found some bomb diggety old purses and was checking out the jewelry for some old beads...I lean in towards the glass counter to get a better look and BANG!!!!!!!!!! Mother fucksnot! I pegged my forehead on the metal bag holder thingy. Yea it was awesome....I freaked out the whole place with my yelling and my husband was oh so proud of the mad skills I displayed....at least I scored some cool sunglasses too....to bad they didn't cover up the welt on my head...so we get home and my toddler heads off for a nap...sweet....now I can chill and take a Tylenol......but then all of sudden I hear some horrible screaming...I run into her room to find that she fell out of bed... and is laying half under the bed with her head wedged up against her dresser...she got a killer line down the side of her perfect cherub face from sticking the landing....poor thing...no worries...she's kinda like Edward Cullen and heals rather quickly....Later in the afternoon my now marked little kiddo decides that she wants to play some football...which is cool....buuuuuttttt...... she decided to toss me the ball when I wasn't expecting her to and well...let's just say....my infant took one for the team....yea...nothing makes you feel more like a prize winning mother then letting your baby get pegged in the noggin.... and now two of them just got pinged....sweet. Once again no worries...my tiny sweetie just shook it off like a champ and returned to drooling all over me....it's all good.
So now it's time to go get my teen from school...then we head off to the store to pick up stuff for dinner etc...and we were having a great time goofing off and being silly....till we leave...we load the little ones and groceries into the car...I'm all buckled in and my teeny bopper starts to get in....and SMACK!!!!.....door to face....yep...(sing it with me) du du du, another one bites the dust.....poor girl....she really jacked up her forehead...she looked fine by the next morning but I was certain my kids were going to get taken away.....considering they all got jenked within hours of each other.....I so need to invest in a few more ice packs....and perhaps some hockey face masks.........cuz let's face it....we are a gaggle of crazy, clumsy broads and unfortunately our faces and our humor are about the only few things we have going for us.....Lord knows we won't be champion tightrope walkers or anything. Well better go...I need to check on my dental insurance...just in case....Peace out!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Till Death Or Your Snoring Do Us Part...

Anyone else have odd sleep habits???? I do...some I have had forever and some were developed over time....I have always liked to sleep with my head at the foot of the bed...no idea why but I prefer it....and it never was a problem until I married my first husband...that's when my sleep life went straight to hell in a hand basket. Not only did I realize that my sleeping the wrong direction was probably no longer but to my horror I had to share my sleep space....years and years of spacious mattress bliss now ruined by this asshole wanting to spoon with me....no good....to top it off he kept trying to keep his arm on me...wtf....I don't want your dead weight laying across my abdomen...I can't sleep like this....finally I just told him it made me overheat and to knock it the fuck off....but still another even worse problem came about....the a-hole insisted on facing me....must be some sort of horrible momma's boy syndrome...and when he did....the exhale air from his stupid ugly nose would fucking blow on my face!!!!! Oh my god...this just grossed me out and also kept me awake...it was then that I knew why the couples in TV shows from the 50's slept in separate beds...it was because they were flippen brilliant!!!! The air thing bothered me so much that I started sleeping with the blanket over my head....and I would eventually squirrel my way down to the foot of the bed where I was happy and no longer bothered in the night....needless to say that marriage didn't last long...not just because of that but it was one of his pet peeves with me...that and the fact that I can add....and form opinions of my own.
Anyways a few years go by and I'm back to sleeping by myself....and I loved it...then I met my second husband...and my sleep life came crashing down again....not only did this guy do all the same shit but to top it off he snored...not just a regular snore that you hear for a minuet then you fall asleep....nooooo....it was a snore that was so god damn loud it could crack the semi-gloss on the walls....and of course the taintface never would see a doctor about it and eventually that marriage went down in flames as well....not just because of that but...I won't lie...for me it was a huge issue...I even kicked him out of the bedroom for it...and instead of trying to fix it...well...that's an entirely different blog post....so...there I am...alone again...and thrilled to have my bed back to myself....but alas...I for some reason I just keep finding husbands and soon number three came along....this time I laid it all out on the line...right from the get go...I told him...don't touch me when I sleep...I sleep screwed up and I will not spoon you...and for some reason he stuck around....however he likes to tease me about it and if he were not so awesome in the sex department I would be pissed...but for the most part he's been awesome about my nightly weirdness...and since I finally married someone taller then me the nose air thing is a non issue....and every once in awhile I even keep my head up by his....mostly because sometimes he has this like restless leg thing and he kicks me in the face....asshole...but I'm not perfect either...I so know that I fart like a water buffalo in my sleep....and I still like having the blanket over my face (not after the whole farting thing...I do surface for that)....it's been so long now that I can't stand breathing cold air when I sleep...fricken odd right????....but I have not shoved my hubby out of the sack yet....which is probably why I keep getting knocked up...well...better go...gotta make sure my pillow is just right and that my night light is plugged in...no I'm not scared of the dark...I just always stub my baby toe when I wake up to take a piss in the middle of the night....sweet dreams and Peace out!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Rose colored stunner shades ;)

They say ignorance is bliss....and well...I tend to agree...I remember the day I realized what people really thought of my life and why they were nice to me... and I hated it. I was a junior in high school...sitting in religion class...yes, I went to private school...I'm sure you are all stunned....anyways we had our desks arranged in a circle and were discussing how God always has a plan and how you should trust in etc....anyways....my teacher all of sudden points me out and tells my entire class....Look at her, her mother died, her dad left, she lives in a poor neighborhood and her grandfather is a drunk and she is still happy with God's plan.....I was beyond stunned...first of all I had no idea he had all of this information...I should have known better....everybody knows everything in small circles....second I could not believe he shared it with a group of my peers...evil teenagers no less... and third he made it all sound so fucking awful....until that moment I never realized my life was suppose to be crap....I had seen it as I lived with people that loved me..we were not rich but we wanted for nothing...I went to a great school..I was cute and had a few nice friends....but all along people were feeling sorry for me....wtf....and what really sucked balls was that people started treating me differently....and they said horrible things like...now I understand why you are so strong willed...and I'm so sorry about your parents....I was no longer me...I was the girl that had bad shit happen to her...and it was the beginning of a downward spiral that for awhile ruined me. I hated getting sympathy...especially because I didn't fucking need it...I detested people talking about my family.....and instead of brushing it off...I got angry....don't get me wrong...I have always had a little piss and vinegar running through my veins but I really changed...I got new not so great friends outside of my happy little school...my grades dropped and I just gave up on thinking that people liked me for me....long story short....my favorite place on earth turned into a place I had to go and I ended up doing very stupid things...even got pregnant...
Now don't get me wrong...I'm not blaming the teacher or fellow students for my actions...those are all mine....this is just my way of warning people to only air their own dirty laundry.....not others.....my bubble was forever burst and I was never the same.....now I know I still had the happy things I was enjoying before the incident and I chose to let it all go...but you be 16 and try to be positive about that crap.....there is nothing wrong with a little empathy but no one likes to be the guest of honor at a pity party....so when you are trying to be a friend....be careful of your words....
After many years of anger and turmoil and few more bad choices I decided that life is suppose to be fun....but I may go to extremes....I hate being serious...and I'm not so good at the daily grind...I just don't believe we are put on this earth to not enjoy whatever we possibly can. With all the illnesses in the world, wars and the bad economy I just can't even stand to watch the news...I don't want to get sucked into depressed mode...and with all the bullshit that's around it's just so easy to forget to be lighthearted....I also don't want to burst my offspring's happy bubble and God help whoever does....many moments of pent up wrath will be brought down on the a-hole that ruins the bright and shiny for my babies...because behind my somewhat clever jokes and silliness is a mother who will rip your fricken skin off for making children lose the blissful ignorance of childhood....now that being said...I better go...it's time to sing into a hairbrush to a Miley Cyrus song, paint several sets of little toenails....and once again be happy with God's plan...Peace out.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I'm A Fan Of The Big Gold Man

Anyone else love the Academy Awards as much as I do? Don't get me wrong...I love almost all of the award shows...I always tune in....I am a straight up award show junkie...I watch the SAG awards, the Globes, the Emmys the Grammys, VMAs and even the Teen Choice Awards....but my most favorite night of the year is Oscar night....my friends know not to call and bother me...my family asks me weeks in advance what I'm planning....which is always about the same....some sort of bubbly...unless my stupid ass is knocked up again....and whatever food I'm craving....this year was pecan pie, sour bright crawlers and popcorn....last year was pumpkin cheesecake, bagel bites and beef jerky...lol...I didn't say it was gourmet food...just food I like to munch on...lol. Last year I sported a cute little tiara that lit up...and this year I made my own gown....it was very school project looking but hey...it only took me 2 hours and was free....I just wanted to amp up my Oscar spirit....maybe next year I will go to Home Depot and buy some red carpet....(no dirty jokes!) I get so excited over the whole event...the decor, the clothes, the speeches...I really like how they give a nod to all aspects of cinema and it's not just about the actors themselves....My family thinks I'm nuts with my insane Oscar fascination but they have learned to deal with it.....I'm sure it's not the only thing on their list of crazy shit Mommy does...I keep hoping that one day I will win some contest and actually get to go to the Oscars....I would just fucking die.....to get to see all those amazing stars and be there while history is being made....hoooooolllllyyyyyy shit...I would so have to wear a diaper under my dress because I know I would piddle my pants with excitement.....you know I have my outfit all picked out too.... I would wear a dark rose colored gown with sparkly stuff all over it, skinny heels with open toes and they will be covered in dark rose colored crystals, I will have minimal jewels on so my dress can speak for itself and I will carry a small white crystal encrusted clutch..... my hair will be half up in a loose bun with long big curls in the back swept off to one side.....it goes best with my bone structure....I might get some weave sewn in to make it super full and long lol....I would so have to have my girl Nicole Patterson do my makeup etc....she's an amazing artist...I hope someone else does not book her that night...anyways...enough plugging of her....can't help it...I'm so proud of her.....but back to my Oscar love...I absolutely think there should be vibrator in the form of the famous award....that way I can show the Academy who the real Best Director, Best Animated Movie and Best Supporting Actress really is.....woo hoo....I could celebrate Oscar every night!!! I would add Best song to that list but we all know I can't carry a tune and during sex I sound more like a squeezed billy goat then amazing songstress....sigh...can't win 'em all...oooohhhh wait...I can take home the best original screen play award....I will call my blockbuster film....Southern Flower....and my hubby can be the executive producer if you know what I mean.....ok...this has taken a weird turn...this may be whole different type of award show....what do they call the porn awards???? Well...gotta go....I'm having the hubby take me shopping for a video camera....so I can start my awesome film career...no worries....no naughty stuff...I don't think ya'll can handle that....Peace out!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

All That Work Just To Be Covered In Jelly & Marker...

Can anyone please tell me why in the hell they use so many friggen wires to strap down the Barbie dolls to the packaging???? I get it they are trying to keep people from shoplifting them...well here is the deal...Barbies and Bratz and Scene dolls etc...only cost like ten bucks...so the only people that might be trying to steal them would be little girls...and trust me...2 wire ties will keep them at bay....there is no need to harness the doll down with over 6 wire straps....wtf...they should no longer get to do this unless it's S&M Barbie and she is suppose to be that way....I'm guessing the a-hole at whatever company makes these dolls do not have children of their own because then they would understand how hard it is to get the stupid thing out while getting pressured by an antsy child yelling at the top of her lungs...I want my Barbie!!!! I am now boycotting buying these dolls new and will only purchase them from garage sales....so that some other idiot has to open them up for me....screw this noise.....I need to use a bolt cutters just to get the hair loose...that's right they even wire the hair down....crazy right????? Then as I'm pulling the stupid wire out it stabbed me up under my thumb nail....son of a bitch!!!!...I would rather be punched in the kidney then be stabbed under my fingernails.....thank god I'm not like on blood thinners or something...I would have died! ...you know that I don't even bother getting the gay little accessories out anymore....my child has no real interest in them...and they just end up on the floor for me to step on in the middle of the night....sending me into a fury that is only rivaled by old people driving in front of me going under the speed limit with their blinker on....ya know one day I stepped on a tiny shoe of some sort...for like the third time....and I finally lost it....I shoved it down the garbage disposal and let er rip while screaming...take that you evil fucker... and started downing wine straight from the bottle while I listened to the sound of it being mangled to a pulp....it was a sad sad moment in time....I'm not proud of my actions but I'm not apologizing for them either....the itty bitty shoe of death can suck it....well it can't anymore...because it's dead....hahahahhah....I just know that one day a little Bratz purse will cause me to slip and fall and crack my head open...then I will end up enraged and set my whole house on fire while drinking Patrone on the front lawn watching it go down in flames until I pass out....I will wake up next to Bret Michaels on some episode of Crazy Bitch Rehab with Dr. Drew...where I will promptly be kicked out for trying to seduce Dr. Drew....I don't know why but that little guy just gets my juices flowing....weird since my type is big and hairy....like if...God forbid...my husband died and both Dr. Drew and Jason Stathem both came to give me a sympathy bang...I would have to flip a coin to decide who I would knock boots with....I think it's something to do Dr. Drew's soft voice...and his brains....I like smart...just not dickhead smart....I am way off track here....the point of all of this rambling is if you have arthritis you can't open up Barbie packages and if you are slightly shaky because you are a drunk you can't open up Barbies...and if you don't know where the fucking scissors are and you have a screaming kid it's impossible to open up the God damn Barbie!!....stupid plastic big boobed whore doll...grrr!!!!!!!! Well...better go...I'm taking the kids to Toys r Us....I hear there is a big sale on all the Hannah Montana figures....I will probably be writing my next blog from the ER...Peace out.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sugar & Spice...more like Whiskey & Cigars...that's what my girls are made of!

There comes a time in every child's life when their talents come to shine and their mother's realize all the things they could be when they grow up....and as a mother you feel the need to help nurture these talents so that your child can reach his or her full potential...this happened to me yesterday...in fact both of my younger daughters showed me exactly what they might be good at...which for such young children is simply amazing....however I have decided not to help them along with these specific talents....perhaps I will wait it out and hope they have a few more hidden ones and we can just work with those....now I know you are asking yourself why....this is amazing...to be so young and already show such promise...well...here's the deal...I think they are going to porn stars....yep...that's right....I think my sweet little girls are going to grow up and challenge the great Jenna Jamison.....have you ever wanted to slit your wrists???? I thought about it when twice in one day I saw some fairly disturbing behavior from my children...let's start with my infant...yep that's right I said infant....there she was sitting in her cute little bouncy seat, playing with the little pink baby toys and all of a sudden...she shoved her fist in her mouth...that's right ya'll her entire fist...WTF?!....Could we not start off with rolling over or a first word....no...she had to shove her whole friggen hand in her mouth!!!!! Then...my toddler...who ya'll already know keeps me on my toes....but now I need to move her far far away from people....decided to make me weep....not tears of joy...tears of fear...fear that she will someday be found at the Playboy mansion....here is what happened...I had to pee...and she wanted to play with my makeup...so I bribed her with a bag of M&Ms...yes I believe in bribes...anyways...I left her on my bed with Spongebob on and went to tinkle...I was gone for all 17 seconds....and came out to find her totally naked and lying on top of a pile of candy....yep...that's right just like something out of Hustler....to top it off...when I picked her up to get her redressed....a green M&M fell out of her buttcrack and onto the floor....I now need therapy...and will never ever eat M&Ms again...ever...ever...ever. So...once again I was stupid and asked her a question...I should have learned my lesson on that....and I asked her...Honey...why did you do that...she answered...Candy is nummy good!....sigh....now I know why so many parents end up drunk and unaware of what their children are doing...it's because the truth is so hard to face.....I am trying to look at the silver lining....but it will always be in the back of my head...that they are naturally drawn to the erotic arts....and I will have to hope that perhaps maybe I will get hit by a bus before it happens. Well...gotta go...I'm sewing them some dresses that cover them from neck to toe and can not be lifted up due to the weights I will sew into the hems and can not be taken off without a padlock key....which reminds me I should get to the hardware store before it closes. Peace out.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The key to happiness is higher shelving and crap TV

I guess sitting on the couch in the middle of the day....still in my jammies....drinking a beer, eating a cake and watching a soap opera could sorta be viewed by some as a sign of depression....but for me it's not...it's just a really good day. The only thing that could top that is a pound crab legs and a boob job.....I'm really just so easy to please and I don't take many things very seriously...this world is filled with crap and sadness....and I for one just don't like to buy into...too much....I am only here for a short amount of time...I want to enjoy the crap out of it....so if I want boxed wine and Twizzlers for dinner....then by golly (that's right bitches I said by golly) I'm going to have it! I hate when things harsh my mellow....like my first husband...he's such a pisser....and when I run out of toilet paper....that's wicked annoying....oh and tax time.....another just really shitty thing....so why not enjoy as much stuff as I can right? I believe for the most part I try to keep my life as light hearted as possible and I think my toddler has picked up on this philosophy....she's always been referred to as the little nut job....and last night was no exception...there she was in my room watching her favorite show....Hannah Montana....and my hubby realized she was just a bit to quiet....so he goes to check on her....well...I just gotta tell myself it could have been worse....she found a tube of petroleum jelly and completely covered herself in it....we're talking head to toe in Vaseline....she looked like she got off from her shift at the Bunny Ranch for crying out loud....standing there in her Hannah necklace and diaper and totally covered in goo....sigh....at least it wasn't my special tingling KY...that would have pissed me the fuck off....Vaseline is only like a dollar...that crazy lube is almost ten! Yes I'm cheap....besides it was hard enough to catch her and clean her off...being all super slippery would have made it exceptionally difficult....to top off her little Burt Reynolds in Striptease reenactment she decided to poop her pants....which is normal but I had to clean off the Vaseline first so that I could lay her down to change her...and the turd smell was really making my eyes water...when I finally got to change her britches I asked her why she wouldn't use the potty like a big girl... she looked at me and said "the potty is stupid"....sigh.....so I need to find some way to make using the potty cool....I think I will decorate her little pink potty with Hannah stuff and have it dispense Skittles when she's done....maybe I can e-mail Disney and they can have Miley Cyrus do a potty song (good lord how many times am I going to use the word POTTY?)....moms across the world would be so friggen happy if Miss Montana did a bathroom song....it can just be a remake for all I care....like...You get the best of both worlds, drop your pants the floor then you poop in the bowl...something like that.....I know for a fact if that song played my toddler would so be taking a Teen Vogue magazine to the bathroom to drop a deuce....well...better go...I'm making a costume so that I can film my own video to a Lady Gaga song...she's one of my heroes...I need some purple body glitter, peacock feathers and some garden hose...wish me luck...Peace out.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Tea Is For Two & So Is The Horizontal Mambo!

I was reading an article in favorite magazine...Marie Claire...about a lady that agreed to a threesome for her husbands birthday. It explained why she did it and how she found someone, how it all went down and how it made her feel afterwards....however....it never explained why her husband was such a fucking prick. I know that lots of guys fantasize about having two women at once but if a married / committed man is really wanting and willing to do that then he's an asshole. I love my husband and thank God he is not into married sluttyness because I would beat his ass with a vacuum cleaner if he ever asked for a menage a trois.... What a horrible selfish thing to do...and don't think of me as some prude...I do have 3 kids and my vagina does all sorts of wonderful things....but I just don't think some other chick needs to find out what those things are while my man watches etc.....and I really don't play well with others to begin with....much less share my favorite toy (that would be my husband's penis)....maybe it's because I'm an only child...maybe it's because of my values (yes, I have a few of those)....but I think it's because...I'm not a nasty whore and I would prefer my husband to keep his dick to himself (well him and me). Not that a threesome would work well for us anyways...I think we would scare the girl off...come on think about it....she would have to sign some sort of waiver....first of all...my hubby and I are on the fluffy side (meaning we are fat) so that's a lot of weight being thrown at one person....second...I'm like a piranha....I love to do some biting....I doubt she would like to explain the teeth marks on her face and arms....then there's always the chance that one of my 800 kids would come barreling through the door....can we say awkward????....did I mention the noises....yea...the first few times I banged my husband he scared the crap out of me with this growl like sound....it's a deep primal sound that now really turns me on but at first I thought I had just screwed a grizzly bear....and I well...I just make little noises....until the...OH GOD BABY and the OH YEA LIKE THAT...stuff comes out of my mouth at a really alarming volume...after all that she would need some therapy...and I am only going to be responsible for screwing up my children....not random idiots that agree to smash with married people....they are apparently all ready on the edge of sanity....I don't feel like pushing them off with my boobies. So I guess it's safe to say my marriage is closed to the public....well other then what I spill on the blog...and I like it that way....to the rest of you...do what you like...just remember....inviting someone into your bed not only welcomes doubts and fears but herpes and the clap...nothing says I love you like a trip to the free clinic! Peace out!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Ice Packs and Animal Crackers

Well my adorable yet slightly crazy toddler has been sick this week which makes her equilibrium even more off then usual. Even from the womb she's been labeled The Little Nutjob....and now that she had hit terrible twos...well...yea...the nickname fits....however I don't know if she will make it to see age 3 if she does not stop falling all the time...how this kid will live to tell the tale of childhood is beyond me. My oldest child was never this nuts...uncoordinated yes... but not crazy....so this whole Evil Knievel/ WWE things is just freaking me out! She has no fear..no rules (as far as she is concerned Mommy just says things to say them) and does not seem to care if something failed before...she's going to try it again... Just this week she face planted in an Old Navy trying to escape her little Monkey harness thing...which I swore I'd never use on my children....until I realized that my toddler was more like a rabid pit bull then a sweet dolly loving little girl. Then she decided to play let's grab Mommy's glasses and run and she smacked her face on the corner of cabinet.....a few hours later she fell off my bed...backwards no less while performing let's not let Mommy put my socks on....and then the grand finale was while watching her favorite show Hanna Montana... she was singing into a brush and spinning in circles and fell between her bed and a toy box....causing her ear to bust open and bleed and a small yet deep scratch on the other side of her head....what really got me was how she got up and finished the song before she started to cry....she's a true performer. Her spills and mishaps are many....to the point where I think I will just make her wear a snowsuit and helmet at all times....and my fear is as time goes on she will get worse....have you ever seen a small child pick up a cat that weighs in at 25lbs and throw it over their head??? I have....stupid cat still comes back for more too...he loves her....(no worries the cat landed on the couch and is fine) but what will she get into as she gets older....maybe she will be in Strongman competitions and throw Volkswagens or something....I just hope her agility gets better....not that she has much hope....I too fall on a daily basis....usually doing something very difficult like putting on my underpants or trying to get into my truck....I have mad skills...more like mad cow skills but whatever. My husband is who I blame for my darling daughter's total lack of self preservation...he's done all sorts of stupid stuff in the name of fun...and now has the scars to prove it...awesome. Thank goodness I have great insurance. Well...gotta go...I hear Walmart is having a sale on band aids and neosporin...see ya in the waiting room of the ER...Peace out.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Cupid put the roses down!

It's that time of year again...Valentines....yep the time of year where you either feel great because you are in love or you feel like slitting your wrists because you are alone or with someone you don't love....I'm thrilled that I'm in a great marriage and will not be sitting at the bar wishing some random guy would buy me a drink and make feel desirable so that I don't have to go home and cry on the phone to my Grandmother and cat (yes, that has been done)....anywhoo...this time of year also drives me just flippen nuts...I really really hate all the commercials for jewelry and flowers and candy etc etc etc...don't get me wrong I like those things....and I love me some chocolate but dear Lord people....why oh why is it written in stone that I have to get a bracelet and a heart shaped box of chocolate covered crap?????? These things are not me...not at all....I think the boxed wine people need to make a Valentine version....that's right a bright red box of Sunset Blush and the Betty Crocker folks should have a heart shaped bowl of frosting that comes with a souvenir spoon. Instead of expensive earrings I would prefer some knock off sunglasses or perhaps a gift card for a tattoo...I also am not all about dinner reservations at some fancy steak house....how about wings and beers at Hooters....I always always always am down for their fried pickles plus then I don't have to dress up...I can wear my favorite jeans and a Florida Gators sweatshirt....I love to be comfortable...I don't love to put my spanx on....bleh....who the hell wants to pry those off at the end of the night for some nookie....my rolls busting out like a warm marshmallow....not sexy....at all....plus the giant gasp of air I take when I can finally breath again...always makes for a romantic moment...I guess I prefer my white trash ways over pretending to be something I'm not and I can get a lot more buzzed by drinking cheap wine through a silly straw then I can sipping some silly overpriced "tini" .....
Well...gotta go...I'm headed to the store...going to pick up my husband's gifts...probably something wicked sexy like contact lens solution and a wrench. Peace out!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Dear Aunt Flow.....

Ah sadly my time off from being a monthly member of womanhood has come to an end...I gotta admit the best part of being pregnant is the whole not having a period thing....and now I'm back to reality....which I know I should have anticipated but I didn't and wasn't at all prepared for....so I spent a whole day wondering why I felt awful and just plain pissy only to wake up the next to find the red tide had come in (here I thought it was because I ate to much pizza)....I had no supplies...not a one...luckily I knew my daughter did so I ran to her bathroom to steal some...after a few minuets of digging through her glittery makeup and what seemed to be a million bottles of hair product I finally found the tampons....SCORE! Till I held it up and realized it's one of those super small ultra skinny plugs...wtf....I'm screwed again....I just gave birth to my 3rd child 8 weeks ago...there is no way in hell that little sliver of feminine product is going to work....I brought it with me anyways...and on my way back to my bathroom thought about grabbing the roll of paper towels....thinking that would be more my size...feeling sorry for myself I try to think of the positive things that having a large stretched out vagina possesses...I could store my blackberry in there..I could use it as a jello mold (oh god..just thought of that "There's always room for jello" line)....I could just have it removed and turn it into a ski hat...the possibilities are endless and really not all that wonderful...I'm now pretty much in tears...no woman wants a big cavernous whoo hah! Wwondering why I'm even bothering I insert the teeny tiny tampon...and guess what...it fucking worked!!!!!!!!!!! That's right bitches...it didnt' fall out...it didn't get lost...it worked just fine! Woot Woot! I now realize I have a magic vag....no wonder I have so many kids ;) Well gotta go...I need to do more kegels....gotta keep the love tunnel in tip top shape....Peace Out.