Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sunday Funday My Ass!

Well my day yesterday was not so wonderful....and after a long day of bullshit I went to bed thinking that when I woke up it would be a fresh new awesome day...better and happier then the one I was leaving behind....well...I was way fucking wrong. Instead of the happy morning with babies giggling, birds chirping and eggs cooking....I woke up to find the dog ate something bad and dropped 3 large piles of diarrhea by the front door....thanks for barking and getting let out...asshole....oh well...then I go to roust my teen up and I find my retarded cat had coughed up and enormous nasty hairball next to her I had to wake her to tell her not to move so that she wouldn't roll in it....can you imagine that drama????....I swear that girl can sleep through anything....I don't know if I feel bad for her future husband or not. Well once all that was taken care of I started to get ready for church (yes I go attend church...shut up) my makeup is hair is done...I'm about to get dressed and BAM....down I foot got stuck in the friggen baby gate...I over corrected and ran into the dresser and ended up face firmly planted on the ground....screaming like I was in a horror flick the whole way totally sucked toes were throbbing my hip and face were hurt and my pride was a tad bit bruised....after a good cry I pulled my shit together and left....I was going to get a coffee to try and perk up a bit but nooooooo.....every other asshole in town had the same idea and the line of the drive through was like 27 cars deep...sigh...oh to pray I go....I turn up the radio and and start singing some Daughtry (I'm coming home, to a place where I belong...) and the sky lets loose....bolts of lightning, loud claps of thunder and rain...lots and lots and lots of hard rain....Son of a bitch....and as per usual I was beyond late so I got the last space in the I crawled my fat ass in the back seat...which is a lot harder then it sounds...I am in a tiny little clown car...I have a huge purse and heels on...the carseat takes up most of the backseat and I have not stretched....I honestly thought I tore my butthole...however I made it without breaking any windows or honking the horn so I consider it a success....I unlatched the baby, grabbed the bottle and made a run for it....I looked like a wet well dressed cat by the time I got to the door.....and the Pastor (who is so sweet thank goodness) was just about to go in when he saw me...I apologized for being late and for dripping water all over the narthex...he just winked at me like...typical crazy lady...and let me in. Church was great...and the rain had calmed down some so I thought my day was getting better....but once again I was dead wrong....I guess I too had devoured something that did not agree with me and I ended up making several trips to turd town all afternoon....but the day was not all lost....I got to read my new Marie Claire magazine while sitting on the pot and found if I lean against the sink with a balled up towel for a pillow I can almost fall asleep while crapping myself to death. I also decided I want an ottoman for the that has a plug in for my cell phone (I Facebook while whizzing) and a place for the magazines.....I think lots of folks would buy an ottoman for the the potty....I will call it a Pottaman...and they will come in a variety of colors and a free bottle of jasmine scented hand sanitizer....
Anyways....I gotta toddler got ahold of a jar of vapor rub...and well...we are all breathing much to try and get it out of her hair.....I really think it should be stylish for little girls to be bald!!!!! Peace out!

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