Friday, April 23, 2010

Boogers And Poopy And Vomit Oh My!

You can always tell a non-parent from a parent....and it's so much fun to mess with them....every time I sniff my kid's ass to see if she has poop a non-parent gets this most horrified look on their face. I love it. However....could you tell me a better way???? I have seen other parents actually stick their finger into the diaper....are you friggen kidding me???!!! I mean getting some doo doo on you from time to time is a part of life as a parent but to go digging for have lost your diaper changing mind! I sometimes look....if the outfit is willing....but sometimes the little tootsie rolls are hidden in the buttcrack so I prefer the sniff's not like I inhale deeply like I would on a Sharpie.....just a little whiff will's not the only stinky thing babies have for you...puke...sweaty underchin....and awesome formula burps....all super fab scents....babies are like little drunken frat guys....they eat, shit and smell....and can't dress themselves.....they just cost less in bail money....and they don't steal your car...but pretty much picture your first college boyfriend and there you go. Just this morning my darling little one woke me up by pissing on me...that's right....after an early morning bottle we fell asleep all snuggled up...and then she exceeded pee limit in the diaper and urinated all over me and my new Egyptian cotton.....sigh....oh well....probably won't be the only member of the family to whizz on them...especially if I get knocked up again....and as far as fluids a baby gets on you....a little pee is really not a biggie....just wait till they yack up some sweet potatoes in your that's a good time ;)
Ok...bye the way all you's the deal...just because my kids are screaming and throwing shit...I'm not leaving the you know what a pain in the ass it is to load up 8 million kids, a double stroller and a few diaper bags????'s easier for you to leave and come back later so fuck off....I need my juice boxes and gummy snacks or the little buggers will set my kitchen on fire....and when you come into the bathroom and heaven forbid I am changing my child on the diaper thing....shut the fuck up!!!! Little comments that in the car or could you take up anymore room...only make me toss the diaper over the stall door onto your head...did you know that once upon a time you were a baby and you too crapped your pants???? Do you think your mother really appreciated those snippy comments??? Yea...think about dillhole!
Oh and is never ever ever ok to touch our children...I know you think how fun it would be to pinch the chubby cheeks or tickle the little toes...but you will get beaten to death....we all fear the worst when out in public.....that some sicko is going to make off with our kids and do horrible things to if you move in on our precious poopers we will kill you and we will have the help of other parents and you will need your dental records....just a warning.
One more thing...when my toddler is screaming for a sucker and I appear to be ignoring her....stay the hell out of it.....maybe she didn't eat lunch...or maybe she just had one or maybe just maybe I had to cut a chunk of hair off that the last blue sucker you think hey...what's the big deal it's just a try prying one off the back of your headrest and see if you feel they need another one....piss off!
NOW...onto the Super-parents....ya'll kids are perfect and mine....well they don't have a chance in hell in coming close....I don't want your advice on how to quiet a tantrum or how to teach the inside voice....I've tried that..the apple does not fall far from the tree so the best I can hope for is no juvi....
Well...better go...the toddler is wedged under my bed and the Hannah Montana movie is about to end so she's going to notice she's stuck... Peace out!


  1. have people really said those comments about changing your children?!

  2. yes....and I did hit them with a diaper...