Midnight Snack

As a tired mom...no nothing has changed there. Still a mom and still tired. Now to up the ante I now have a diabetic. Just a few short months ago my middle child...was diagnosed with T1D. I'm sure you will see more posts regarding that. For the sake of this one...it means waking up at 2am to check her blood....praying that there aren't corrections to be made....that she's all good and we can sleep. Some nights we are not so fortunate...like last night. I check her...she's low....I give her juice and crackers- while this is all going on the cat, Big Fluff decides he is going to weave around my ankles and push into me. No not to show me love or support....I know him all to well...it's to let me know he wants food. I need to wait 15 min to recheck my T1 Diva so I go and inspect his food....he literally prances along next to me with excitement.- His bowl is "empty" ....not like there is nothing in it....like he took 5 whole morsels out of one side and has determined that it is now empty. Really?? Okay...fine I will feed you....mostly so that you will leave me alone when I go back to poke at my kiddo again. Here's where shit gets real. He sees me going for the bag...and he stretches his neck up real high like he's seeing God or something and is in pure amazement.....he hears me digging with the cup and he drops to the floor... BAM!!...drag queen death drop style. As I walk back to the food dish he starts rolling around like a stripper on the stage of seedy truck stop strip club and it's the day before rent is due....legs all stretched out and up in the air. Are you kidding me?....Have some class Fluff. As I get closer you can actually hear him start to purr....what a little food slut....and as I go to pour the food into his dish....WHACK!!!! He headbutts my hand the food falls out all over the place!!!!! Annoyed and tired I yell at him.... "FASSHOLE!" ....yep fasshole.... I friggen combined the words...Fat Asshole...not on purpose ..which really kinda pissed me off. Not only was your dish not anywhere near empty yet you pretend to love me for food....you charm your way into getting me to feed you at 2am ..you roll around like Craigslist hooker and then you have the balls to knock the shit out of my hand so you can start to gobble down your meow mix like those weirdos at the Nathan's hotdog eating contests....I'm so annoyed that I can't even speak words.....FASSHOLE! I wanted to rub his head in his food and ask him....Is this what you like??? But it seemed a little much and sorta pervy. I contemplated a drink but I had to get up in 3 hours and still have a kid to tend to....so Like A Boss...I cleaned up the spilled meow mix and told him I liked Dita better (our other asshole cat)....showed him right? Sigh. I know by design I'm supposed to be cat lady...but sometimes I really hate them. BTW....an hour later my Darling Diabetic finally was stable enough for me to go back to sleep.....where I laid there listening to my FASSHOLE cat snore and plotted my revenge.....Unicorn Costume! Mwahahahaha! Peace Out.

I Could Just Shit...

So...I'm watching Bubble Guppies with my young children and my grand babies and this La La Loopsy commercial comes on. Cool. I love those dolls. Some of them are pretty rad.....right??? NOPE...like NOPE. This particular doll.....SHITS OUT A CHARM! THEN YOUR CHILD TAKES IT OUT OF IT'S PANTS AND WEARS THE FUCKING CHARM! Are you kidding me?!!!!!!???? What kind of 50 shades of fetish bullshit is with this? What friggen dumbasses at the LalaLoopsy factory thought this was a brilliant idea....no one along the way said..hey this is gross and kinky as fuck and we should all get canned for even thinking it's ok. Let's think back here....remember when they wanted to take the drunks and wenches out of the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride at Disney? I guess so that young, impressionable children wouldn't think it's ok to grow up to be drunk whores or something.....but hey....digging for things to wear out of some steaming, hot shit....now that's totally ok. WTF. Obviously Susie The Charm Crapper will not be on the list for Santa this year..... neither will the wiener dog game that apparently takes a dump on the board. What happened to thing's like pick up sticks...not that my demon spawn even pick up their room much less a bunch of pointy damn sticks I just paid $7.99 for. Perhaps the answer is....wine...lots of cheap boxed wine (for me not the kids you idiot) Because...well I loved those dirty wenches at Disney!!!! Peace Out!

OMG!

O is for Oh Shit! Mom's have millions of Oh Shit moments...it starts when the plus sign appears on the pregnancy test. Happy or not you know your life is about to change. The next is the first time you hear the heartbeat, you feel a kick and then that first major contraction....when you realize your uterus is about to ripped out and pulled out of your ass....but that quickly fades when your sweet baby's shoulders are trying to squeeze out of your now ruined vagina. After that there are bagillions of amazing moments....and they more then make up for the Oh Shits...but...don't ever be fooled into thinking they don't keep coming. The first god awful poop blowout in the middle of Target...the turd is just ALL over and the next thing you know you have taken up and entire aisle of the baby section....blankets everywhere....piles of the now to be burnt clothes, diapers and wipes....you have used every wipe you brought and every kleenex in you purse so you grab a pack of wipes off the shelf....you notice some asshole is staring at you and gasping in horror....you hear yourself shouting "What? You never shit?!". Total nightmare. You also want to flee but realize you don't want to leave the house for a few days so you continue to shop anyways.

Next major Oh Shit is when the creepy guy tries to watch you breastfeeding while you are at the restaurant and instead of just flipping him off you launch a fork at his head....oops.

Then there is the first time they say a bad word (asshole) and you KNOW it's because they hear you screaming it at other drivers in the mini van.

The Oh Shits keep going....they set fires, break things, start dating etc etc etc.....but there is an invention to help you cope with the Oh Shits....it's called....boxed wine. I DO NOT recommend you drink it while pregnant or breastfeeding.....in fact it' why my last baby was formula fed instead of boob ;)

Good Luck to all you parents out there....we need all the understanding and support we can get. I better go...I need to find the ice packs, wine glasses and my lawyers number....I like to be prepared for whatever upcoming Oh Shit is coming. Peace Out!

Brownie Or Bum Nugget???

Ever have one of those shitty days? Yesterday was one of mine....and by shitty I mean...I stuck my finger in poop...twice....before lunch. The first time....I went to look down the back of my baby's diaper and stuck my finger knuckle deep in turd. What a glorious feeling....nothing like warm wet soft poop all up under your fingernail...bleh...then the second time...I was stuffing a stray wipey into a diaper and somehow stuck my finger in the poop again....but hey that's life as a mom. BUT....the poop wouldn't leave me alone....I had just put the baby down for a nap and was walking by some toys when I saw something weird in the sink of the play kitchen....I walk over and realize its.....you guessed it....poop. WTF....not just any poop....it's cat poop....I'm sick to my stomach....did the kids play with it it??? How did it get there???....Did my jerkoff cat perch his fat orange ass on my children's toys and take a dump?? I grab a tissue and grab up the turd....now here is where it gets really gross....as I'm inspecting the dropping (yes I check poop...you never know what kids/cats swallow) I notice pieces of a worm on it!!!!!! OH MY BLOODY HELL!!!!!! I'm almost vomiting on the way to the trash...I break open the turd and there is like millions of tiny worm bits! Now I'm wicked freaked out.....which quickly turns to sadness as I'm bleaching the bejesus out of play kitchen.....my poor infested cat :(....I better call a vet....oh geez...like I really need all this going on....I hope the kids don't get sick because of it....I'm now throwing away the paper towels and I get a glimpse of a candy wrapper on the floor next to the garbage....um....hmmm.....what is this???? It's a fucking Mounds Bar wrapper....you know coconut with chocolate on it.....which chewed up and spit out into a play sink by a small child resembles a cat turd! Holy balls....I feel so much better now....however just to be safe I dig the poop out of the garbage and sniff it....no smell....so I run to the basement and check the turds in the litter box.....no worms. I'm sure glad I didn't go to college and get some amazing job.....I might be working in some gorgeous office making tons of money and paying maids to do all this ultra fabulous stuff that I do everyday.....I love the mom gig (most days) but I could stand to take a break from feces from time to time. Well...gotta go....my toddler has some training pants on backwards....this will not end well. Peace Out!

Boogers And Poopy And Vomit Oh My!

You can always tell a non-parent from a parent....and it's so much fun to mess with them....every time I sniff my kid's ass to see if she has poop a non-parent gets this most horrified look on their face. I love it. However....could you tell me a better way???? I have seen other parents actually stick their finger into the diaper....are you friggen kidding me???!!! I mean getting some doo doo on you from time to time is a part of life as a parent but to go digging for turds.....you have lost your diaper changing mind! I sometimes look....if the outfit is willing....but sometimes the little tootsie rolls are hidden in the buttcrack so I prefer the sniff method....it's not like I inhale deeply like I would on a Sharpie.....just a little whiff will do..besides...it's not the only stinky thing babies have for you...puke...sweaty underchin....and awesome formula burps....all super fab scents....babies are like little drunken frat guys....they eat, shit and smell....and can't dress themselves.....they just cost less in bail money....and they don't steal your car...but pretty much picture your first college boyfriend and there you go. Just this morning my darling little one woke me up by pissing on me...that's right....after an early morning bottle we fell asleep all snuggled up...and then she exceeded pee limit in the diaper and urinated all over me and my new Egyptian cotton.....sigh....oh well....probably won't be the only member of the family to whizz on them...especially if I get knocked up again....and as far as fluids a baby gets on you....a little pee is really not a biggie....just wait till they yack up some sweet potatoes in your hair....now that's a good time ;)
Ok...bye the way all you non-parents...here's the deal...just because my kids are screaming and throwing shit...I'm not leaving the store....do you know what a pain in the ass it is to load up 8 million kids, a double stroller and a few diaper bags???? yea...it's easier for you to leave and come back later so fuck off....I need my juice boxes and gummy snacks or the little buggers will set my kitchen on fire....and when you come into the bathroom and heaven forbid I am changing my child on the diaper thing....shut the fuck up!!!! Little comments like....do that in the car or could you take up anymore room...only make me toss the diaper over the stall door onto your head...did you know that once upon a time you were a baby and you too crapped your pants???? Do you think your mother really appreciated those snippy comments??? Yea...think about dillhole!
Oh and non-parents...it is never ever ever ok to touch our children...I know you think how fun it would be to pinch the chubby cheeks or tickle the little toes...but you will get beaten to death....we all fear the worst when out in public.....that some sicko is going to make off with our kids and do horrible things to them....so if you move in on our precious poopers we will kill you and we will have the help of other parents and you will need your dental records....just a warning.
One more thing...when my toddler is screaming for a sucker and I appear to be ignoring her....stay the hell out of it.....maybe she didn't eat lunch...or maybe she just had one or maybe just maybe I had to cut a chunk of hair off that the last blue sucker stained...so....when you think hey...what's the big deal it's just a sucker....you try prying one off the back of your headrest and see if you feel they need another one....piss off!
NOW...onto the Super-parents....ya'll suck....no kids are perfect and mine....well they don't have a chance in hell in coming close....I don't want your advice on how to quiet a tantrum or how to teach the inside voice....I've tried that..the apple does not fall far from the tree so the best I can hope for is no juvi....
Well...better go...the toddler is wedged under my bed and the Hannah Montana movie is about to end so she's going to notice she's stuck... Peace out!