Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Words To The Not So Wise

The next jerkoff that asks me "When are you due?" and then says something like...oh that's not that long or that's right around the corner....is going to get two black eyes. Why would you say something so awful???? I guess since they don't have to carry around a 20 pound lump or have breast leakage they think the third trimester is all fun and games. Guess what doucheface....it's not fun and everyday feels like 5 long painful days....while you are getting your solid 8 hours of peaceful sleep I am crying into my pillow with the worst heartburn known to man and while I stumble to bathroom for the 13th friggen time I drop to the ground with a Braxton Hicks contraction....then I get to clean up the pee I left on the floor....did I mention the sciatica....yea good times...really speeds the day up.
Oh and when I say something like...I am so ready to have this baby...don't give me some stupid speech about how it wouldn't be good for the baby to born right now....um...I already know this...you ass hat...and I just meant that I was ready....I didn't mean the baby was....it's like when you say...If I don't get my Starbucks I'm just going to die.....you are not going to die....unless you say one more annoying thing to me.....I miss coffee....there is no point to decaf so don't even suggest it....but I'm sure you will since you seem to be an asshole....how about you wear weird giant underwear...not get any sleep...have strange things happen to your skin and not be able to wear shoes due to extremely swollen toes and see if you want to drink decaf coffee....I hate you and your damn latte.....I hope the cashier spit in it for extra foam.
Now....stop asking me if I am having twins and laughing like you are some sort of comic genius....I get it...I'm fat as hell...but I don't need your sarcastic ass making jokes about it....do you really think I enjoy not seeing my own toddler if she is standing next to me??? Do you think I wear jeans with a giant stretchy band for style??? I don't point out your crooked nose or your chicken legs or the weird birthmark....you know why??? Because I only use the evil bitch card when provoked....not for shits and giggles....however you keep the nasty humor up and I will beat the shit out of you and then giggle all the way home.
Whew....I feel better now.....it amazes me how just a little venting can cheer me right up.....that and cake....and yes I will have my cake before dinner....otherwise I may stab the neighbor for turning around in my driveway again...it makes the dogs bark and I have had a constant headache from the moment the sperm hit the egg....so just pass the cake and walk the hell away. Hugs!!!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I'm A Lita Ford Wannabe

I have decided on a new goal....first...I want to have this baby.....and then by this time next year get into shape....well as good as this fat, stretched out body can get....I have not really been in good physical condition since 1995....and I know there are few things that won't get back to normal...but I'm not concerned that's nothing a little duct tape and some bungee cords can't hide. Anyways...once back to a weight that is safe for elevators and park benches I'm going to the other coast and having my girl Nicole (www.nicolepattersonhairandmakeup.com & www.betheblushingbride.com) do a total 80's glam rock makeover....complete with photo shoot....yep...I want to look like the chicks from Vixen......big hair, way too much makeup, high heels with leg warmers and leather stretch pants. Why the 80's you ask....because the sex symbols of this day and age just suck....there is no imagination behind the hotness....ultra blonde hair, knee high socks and a voice like a child prostitute....yea that's right I'm talking about The Girls Next Door....and let's face it....a vag flash is not sexy....it's trashy.....not that I don't enjoy a few trashy moments....but sometimes I would rather be craved and not just jacked off to...plus if Paris Hilton has done it....well then I just don't want anything to do with it....she's what made me hate chihuahuas....ok I don't hate chihuahuas....but I won't carry one on the red carpet....which in my world means parent pickup.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


This is the first of many of an awsome mom who keeps plugging away and never gives up. She endures a whiney but loveable 2 year old, an overbearing husband who loves her every fiber and a bitchy but awsome tween. And on top of all this shes pregnant again!!!!!!!