Tuesday, April 16, 2013
L & M....L is for Lazy...and M is for masturbation. Yes for me they go together.... I am too lazy to masturbate....I hate it. I really really hate it. Not only do I have to do all the work to get myself off but then I have to wash my hand when I'm done...I can't just fall asleep. Why diddle myself anyways....it's not the same as getting some good oral or sex from a guy...and toys are dumb...I can't feel sexy while fucking a purple plastic dick with rabbit ears hanging off of it...I'd rather just drink a bottle of wine...watch 21 Jumpstreet and pass the fuck out. Maybe I'm weird....but didn't y'all already figure that out??? Its just not my thing...but I think a good cheesecake can fix any kind of pent up sexual frustrations I have... sorry about the TMI but I'm running out of ideas for this challenge so...Peace Out!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
J & K stand for Just Kidding....because I don't have anything....I am so behind and not feeling wicked creative so.... I thought J would be for jacking off...but I decided that M would be for masturbation ...well I guess I could still use Jacking off because M was only about me...and jacking off implies guys. What are your thoughts on dudes jerking it??? I think if they are in a relationship with me then they don't need to unless I ask them too for my entertainment.....or I am mad at them and am not giving up the honey pot...then fine...whack it....but you better be thinking of my boobies.... Guys all have this technique of jerking that I can not seem to replicate....so I am not into giving handjobs.....no way it can compare to their years and years of stroking it for themselves..... K.....what was K going to be about??? I don't know....Kangaroos??? Kegels??? OH....knowing me K was for Kinky..... I have found as I get older that my idea of Kinky has changed.... When I was a teen I wouldn't have sex in the light and I was only on bottom....now....well I still don't like the lights...my ass is massive....wish I had enjoyed my body in the light when I was younger...oh well. But things that would have freaked me out even in my 20's...now not so much...but I will never get into being peed on....or having extras...sex is for 2 people....I would lose my mind if two penises were trying to poke at me and I really don't want any vagina in my face. If that's your thing...then good for you...I will stick to fingering buttholes, slapping people around and my pierced nipples.... Well it's the weekend....y'all go have a few drinks and jack off or get kinky.....just make sure to tell me all about it! Peace Out!
I is for Icky Things.....I find all sorts of things to be icky. I have already blogged about most of them but there is always something new to gross me out....here is a short list that quickly comes to mind. Women who wear flesh colored stretch pants....well dudes too....I don't care what body type you have...it's not flattering. Please refrain. Guys who drop their nuts on other guys...I blame the Jackass crew for this fad...it is not funny....just stop you sick sick fucks. When my dog eats my tampons.... Port O Potties.... Women who wear those big, knee high boots, with their jeans all tucked in. You look like Peter Pan...plus that is a lot of work to get off..your pussy better be worth the work...plus I bet your feet smell now.....it's just ICKY! The cast of Jersey Shore... Uncircumcised penises..... & sardines.... What do y'all find to be ICKY??? Peace Out!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Ok...So since I'm a little bit behind....I'm and going to combine F & G....my bad y'all. F&G stand for FLORIDA GATORS!!!! Yep....I'm a big fan...Love me some Florida Gator football. Wow...that was easy...now I'm all done. Have a great day. Just Kidding.... F stands for Fetish. Anyone got any good sexual fetishes???? I don't think I do...I wish I did. They sound like so much fun. Don't get me wrong...I have preferences....but I don't get off over getting fed like a baby or anything....actually I don't like when food and sex mix...it freaks me out. I personally think I fit a few common fetishes that other people have....I have adorable tattooed feet, I'm chubby (ok I'm fat but I'm cute and have a huge ass), I have long hair (on my head) and I have some piercings....none of that was aimed at pleasing anyone but myself...but since I dig it on me...I can see why others would get all hot and bothered by it. I think Germans have the sickest fetishes...I have nothing to back that hypothesis up...it's really just a hunch. I am not German...I'm boring....I'm Finnish...told ya I was boring...I think our only fetish is dessert bars....(why the fuck do people always put nuts in those???) G is for G Spot....fellas....you should find it.... Well....that covers that....see ya for H...that should be a friggen nightmare to figure out. Peace Out!
Saturday, April 6, 2013
E is for Eventually ....because I may be late posting for the challenge from time to time (like this one) but I will get to it Eventually. lol Ok...let's be honest...E is really for Ejaculation. Weather it's male or female (also known as squirting but that sounds so damn awful) it's the sincerest form of flattery. Some say imitation is but I'd say blowing a load is a damn good way of saying...HEY, YOU FUCK GREAT! (or oral or anal etc.) Nothing hotter than knowing someone is thinking of you while they pleasure themselves.....and considering all the porn, playboy type magazines and sluts out there....having someone cum all over their bedspread over you is super "sweet" .... Now granted none of this is aimed at anyone under 22...dudes cum if the wind changes until then and girls should wait till at least 22 before throwing their lives away for a big O (trust me) .. I do have a question....how come only some dudes pre cum????? I prefer it....I know I'm going in the right direction so to speak ;) Oh wait....maybe they all do and I just use to suck at foreplay...damn now I'm sad.....balls. Well...I'm off to think of an F post....enjoy blasting the batter...Peace Out!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
C is for Cunnilingus ....I know...I am always talking about sex stuff...it's because my mind is always always always in the gutter and if I had to pick something other than sex stuff C would be for Crap because that's all I got. I thought about it all day and had pondered doing Cake (I fucking love cake)...I even made one..the kids helped frost it but nothing ridiculously exciting happened. No fires, no eggs in the eyes....nada. So...that would be a tad bit boring. So here I am with C is for Cunnilingus...which is fine with me...it's one of my favorite things. It's right up there with boxed wine and cake. If I could have all three at once I would be soooo happy....well no...I thrash around like that chick in the exorcist so it would probably get really messy and I already do enough laundry..so maybe we will leave the snacks out if it. Isn't it sad when someone goes down on you and it sucks???? You just lay there knowing that if this is bad...then the sex will be probably be bad too...so you debate if you should just grab your panties and go. Why chance a bad lay??? All guys think they rock at it too and well...not everyone is a rockstar. Most can be taught if you feel like putting the time in...but you must shame them...no one wants to be bad at licking pussy....so don't lie and be like Oh it's awesome...then they won't want direction....just be honest and say, Hey this is awful....if you want me to cum you need to actually find my clit! But...when it's good it's good and is great for when you don't want to get totally undressed or when you don't have a lot of time but just need to get off.... If your partner does not like to go downtown to chow then you need to kick them to the curb and beat them with a bat....well not the beating part....then you will go to jail and end up giving cunnilingus to some huge chick named Pat...no fun! Well...I hope I have rambled on enough for this post...I'm going to go have cake now. Peace Out!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
B is for...Bullshit....once again I have nothing. SIGH. I was going to talk about boogers because I caught my neighbor walking her dog while she was knuckle deep...I laughed hysterically and she got pissed...not sure why she was irritated at me....I fucking hate her and she was doing something disgusting so I laughed. But as you can see that was a quick story so I have nothing left to talk about except some bullshit..... I think my loyal followers expected me to talk about boobies....but that's been done....and since mine are too small for good titty sex the boob subject is sorta sad for me..... But I do love boobies....I don't think that makes me weird....I can appreciate a nice rack (natural or paid for).....and I won't lie...sometimes I would like to appreciate them with my hands.....just a quick squeeze or two. Nothing I couldn't do in public...Boobs are great...unless... they are not. I hate when I'm watching a show or a movie and all of a sudden there are boobs but then it's like....OH NO! What the fuck is wrong with her nipples???!!!! I don't think guys have this issue..they are too busy pre cumming in their boxers. Dudes love boobs...all boobs...especially if they get to play with them. Women on the other hand are picky....if we are going to cross that line and motorboat some chick....she better have the sweetest tits ever....I have yet to motorboat someone....I'm saving myself for Sophia Vergara....unless she unleashes those puppies and her nips freak me out...then I would just honk em quick and run to the nearest bar and drink my sorrows away. Well...I'd say that's enough Bullshit for this post...wish me luck for tomorrow. Peace Out!
Monday, April 1, 2013
A is for Asshole. Yea...so I did this blog challenge last year and it nearly killed me...So what did I do???? I went and signed up for it again...like an asshole. I didn't prep (again) and I think I already have an ulcer just thinking about trying to make it to Z. Oh well....at least for a whole month I will have to write....I haven't really been hitting the keys a lot as of late so perhaps this will get my creative juices flowing. For those of you that know me....I'm sure you were expecting something a little more saucy so here's a little something for you. A is for Asshole....and if you are going to let someone play with your back doorbell make sure you lube that lazy brown eye...spit is free and effective ( I hear Jenna Jameson prefers it)....but if for some reason you are kinky enough for ass play but not for letting your partner lick your butt hole then... A is for AstroGlide.......I guess. You know what...I have a random thought....all guys like ass play...if they say they don't they are full of shit (well you know what I mean)....they just won't admit it...which is dumb....why not ask for what you want??? If they have never tried it...just get them drunk and do it. Think about it....it's only fair...they are always trying to get up our asses but they are too chicken to let us finger fuck theirs. LAME. Trust me...they will love it...millions of gorgeous gay men can't be wrong. Peace Out.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
So I very rarely do reviews of things...like books and movies...mostly because no one gives a shit what I think. But for some reason I feel the want/need to put a review out about this movie. Let me start with why I even watched it... I like Kevin Smith....I'm not like a super fan and know all his work inside and out but I dig the dude and his attitude...plus he was on Degrassi ;) Anyways.....I came across a more recent Q&A thing he did on Netflix (damn I love Netflix!!!!) and he spoke a lot about this movie he did, Red State. I was all WTF??? Why have I not heard about this movie? I guess too much Gilmore Girls on Netflix. So the Q&A things was great and so out of major curiosity I looked for the movie....SCORE...it too was on Netflix......so my reaction/review of Red State: FUCK YEA MOTHERFUCKER! It was brilliant....the cast was just beyond awesome...like your first screaming O awesome. I was impressed by every single person in the movie. The writing was fantastic.....I love that Kevin tackled this and did such a genius job with it. Was it fucked up and crazy....fuck yes....total batshit. I have zero clue if this flick won any awards (I'm too lazy to Gooogle) but I really hope it did....screenplay, best actor, supporting actor etc.... My guess is no...only because I watch most award shows and I don't really remember anything about it....however I'm usually pretty drunk during those so....who knows. I think some of my more reserved friends won't really dig it.....it's got some filth to it....I hope that doesn't keep the majority of people from checking it out.... I wish I could ask Kevin if I was suppose to find some of it hysterical??? Maybe I did because of my upbringing or I'm a twisted fuck....who knows. If you want a synopsis...I'm not great at doing those I tend to spoil shit....let me try: "Christian" Fuckers.... IDK...look on IMDB...they do a better job....well it is their job so.. If y'all watch it let me know your thoughts. Peace Out.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Don't you hate when you can't fall asleep and the weirdest, random shit pops up in your head? Does this even happen to anyone else or is it just me with some form of Adult ADHD?? Anyways...I was tired...like balls tired but could not fall asleep and all of a sudden I was like, I haven't seen my cupcake maker...I wonder where it is. Then my thoughts just spiraled all over the place.... Why haven't I seen my cupcake maker? Did it make the move? (I hear a big truck outside) Oh fuck I bet my cupcake maker is a transformer! It would have to be a girl one because it's pink. There is only one girl transformer right??? I will Google it in the morning. That's so sexist... Michael Bay is going to get a Tweet from me bout it! Wait did Michael Bay even do those movies...is that even his name? I will IMDB it in the morning too. Fuck I'm so hungry...I want a peanut butter sandwich. Not going in the kitchen....other shit might be transformers too. I wonder what other appliances are...I hope it's not the toaster oven..that would freak me out. I bet my stupid phone is a transformer too and that's why I can't find that fucker from time to time. Oh my god, If my phone is a transformer I will never be president...all my FB updates, tweets, texts, emails....it thinks I'm a perv! I still really want a sandwich. Too tired to brave the kitchen. I wish I had a cat.... Why was the only girl transformer such a whore??? I bet my cupcake maker is out whoring around too... Where do transformers go to party? (I hear a sound...don't be the kids...don't be the kids...shit I better go check....no idea) Damn...while I was up I should have made a sandwich. I bet my phone when it transforms hides my flip flops on me....fucker. My flat iron obviously is the worst transformer ever....it can hardly heat up anymore...POS. I need to shave my legs. Whoa...how scary would it be if my EpiLady was a transformer??? Why am I even thinking about transformers? Oh...yea..Signs was on earlier.....I think I could maybe handle aliens if they were transformers. They don't seem like they are interested in butt rape. I think it would be cool if those Barbie Jeeps were transformers and then beat the crap out of bullies. Mac and cheese sounds good. And then I fell asleep. I think I should have just had a glass of wine and watched Pitch Perfect again. Peace Out.