What The F*ck Was That????

Some of the best sex you will ever have...will get totally ruined by...queefing. It's a fact. It's like Mother Nature's joke on you for getting your freak on. Just when you get a little adventurous & try a new, hot position...queef. Just when you are grinding out the best orgasm of your life ...extra long queef. It sucks....and no one fucking tells you about them! In fact... once I thought about it....I realized that I didn't even tell myself about them. I had my first queef at 15. No not because I was getting diddled by JV quarterback....boys didn't like me much in high school (not even the one that knocked me up). I cried a lot back then and when I wasn't crying I was being like a huge bitch....so it's really not that different from the way I am now except my boobs were smaller....I wasn't exactly super popular with the boys. Okay so back to my non sexual queef....it was during dance practice...I use to be cute and fit....and yes on the dance team.....we were doing some stretches...like trying to get our feet over our heads (that sounds strippery but I promise it's not...we did jazz dances to christian rap music...stop laughing.) and I guess my body bent too funny and when I brought my leg down...queef. OH MY GOD...of course my freaking nemesis heard it and yelled out -EEWWWW Did You Just Fart?! - here's the deal....I was so freaked out by the fact that the fart sound came from my vagina...which by the way I was still so young I didn't say the word vagina yet...pretty sure I just called it....my down there.... I was so freaked out about my Down There noise - that I said yes...I farted..and tried to laugh it off. It wasn't till years later after I was dis mounting a top position that it happened again and I freaked the fuck out!!! There was no Google yet...I couldn't just look up Down There Farts in the encyclopedia....I don't have sisters and I lacked in the close friend department because of the whole crying lunatic/raging bitch thing. As time went on and that whole internet idea got popular.. that and I acquired a few BFFs to chat with....I now know queefing is totally normal and yet still so embarrassing. Like even when I just have sex with myself and it happens I get all out of sorts....like the Miguel 3.0 with 8 speeds really gives a rat's ass if I toot from my lady parts....smh. But hey- I have advice...... you can get on Fet Life and find guys that are into it....You can make your lover wear noise cancelling headphones....You can shut your legs and not have this type of incident at all or you can just learn to laugh it off. Here's the deal fellas....if she sounds like the marching band's brass section lives in her coo-ka-loo.....you are probably doing something right...just take it as a round of applause. If she get's a little weirded out....be a gentlemen and pretend you didn't hear it. We know you did but we are more likely to touch your wiener again if you just play dumb. Who the hell came up with the word queef anyway??? I suppose I could Google that as well.....but couldn't it be called something a little nicer like....tra la la la la? Oh I'm so embarrassed....I totally tra la la la-ed during intercourse....oh heavens. Yea....I like tra la la la la better. Now...I know there are going to be handful of you ladies out there that will swear to the fact that you do not.....tra la la la la....you are big fat liar faces. I don't care how tight your shit is....because believe me I do my kegals and I can squeeze the life out of a Slurpee straw....we all do it from time to time. IF YOU TRULY DO NOT EVER QUEEF....YOU ARE HAVING BORING SEX!!! Think about it.....Peace out.

E....

E is for Eventually ....because I may be late posting for the challenge from time to time (like this one) but I will get to it Eventually. lol Ok...let's be honest...E is really for Ejaculation. Weather it's male or female (also known as squirting but that sounds so damn awful) it's the sincerest form of flattery. Some say imitation is but I'd say blowing a load is a damn good way of saying...HEY, YOU FUCK GREAT! (or oral or anal etc.) Nothing hotter than knowing someone is thinking of you while they pleasure themselves.....and considering all the porn, playboy type magazines and sluts out there....having someone cum all over their bedspread over you is super "sweet" .... Now granted none of this is aimed at anyone under 22...dudes cum if the wind changes until then and girls should wait till at least 22 before throwing their lives away for a big O (trust me) .. I do have a question....how come only some dudes pre cum????? I prefer it....I know I'm going in the right direction so to speak ;) Oh wait....maybe they all do and I just use to suck at foreplay...damn now I'm sad.....balls. Well...I'm off to think of an F post....enjoy blasting the batter...Peace Out!

You're Cooler Than Me....

Most days my kids drive me straight to the funny farm....but I gotta say....even with all the crazy crap they come up with I would still rather be with them instead of most adults. Grown ups are assholes....almost all of them....even I am guilty of being a douche from time to time....I know you are beyond shocked but it's true...Normally I'm such a sweet and gentle person but yes...I have my moments (like every 17 minuets)...I think I should just never leave the house or check my Facebook because there is always at least one jerkoff that will set me off....usually it's some dick I am suppose to be friends with but I'm really not... but now because we are all grown up and mature we should be nice to each other....except they are fuckfaces and anytime I try to be nice they blow me off so I wonder why I bother...or it's the uptight bitch with cheap shoes and an expensive suit at the grocery store that I am trying to warn not to step into the puddle of something that fell but when I get her attention she says something shitty like....it was probly someone with kids (as my kids are with me) so then I explain that next time I won't bother warning her....since some pickle juice won't hurt her crappy pleather boots.
So to keep me from turning into a mass murderer I spend most of my time basking in the kingdom I have created that consists of me & the kids....to them I am THE SHIT! I mix my cereal (fruity pebbles & apple jacks), I paint their nails, we play extreme peek a boo, I dress up the cat and make him dance to Lady Gaga, we make crafts with glitter and we watch their fav movies over and over again (thank god I like kid movies)....so to them I effin rock I'm like Snoop Dog....everything I do is awesome .....except when it's time for naps and I say no to the third Popsicle....but for the most part we are the best of homies....I have no idea what I will do when they reach teen years and they realize I am not cool at all...I already have a child that has hit this stage in life and it sucks balls....I'm cool if I'm buying eyeliner or watching Jersey Shore but other than that I'm a life ruin-er or totally lame....too bad for her...ya get more flies (or tubes of mascara) with honey than telling Mommy what a dork she is....so for now the little ones get spoiled and we have fun......as for the grown ups (a.k.a. bitches) they can all suck my dick....I'm sure they are having the best time being snotty and pretending they are super happy....but I get to wear a macaroni tiara and do the hokey pokey....and I wouldn't trade it for the "Likes" on Facebook....Peace Out!