What The F*ck Was That????

Some of the best sex you will ever have...will get totally ruined by...queefing. It's a fact. It's like Mother Nature's joke on you for getting your freak on. Just when you get a little adventurous & try a new, hot position...queef. Just when you are grinding out the best orgasm of your life ...extra long queef. It sucks....and no one fucking tells you about them! In fact... once I thought about it....I realized that I didn't even tell myself about them. I had my first queef at 15. No not because I was getting diddled by JV quarterback....boys didn't like me much in high school (not even the one that knocked me up). I cried a lot back then and when I wasn't crying I was being like a huge bitch....so it's really not that different from the way I am now except my boobs were smaller....I wasn't exactly super popular with the boys. Okay so back to my non sexual queef....it was during dance practice...I use to be cute and fit....and yes on the dance team.....we were doing some stretches...like trying to get our feet over our heads (that sounds strippery but I promise it's not...we did jazz dances to christian rap music...stop laughing.) and I guess my body bent too funny and when I brought my leg down...queef. OH MY GOD...of course my freaking nemesis heard it and yelled out -EEWWWW Did You Just Fart?! - here's the deal....I was so freaked out by the fact that the fart sound came from my vagina...which by the way I was still so young I didn't say the word vagina yet...pretty sure I just called it....my down there.... I was so freaked out about my Down There noise - that I said yes...I farted..and tried to laugh it off. It wasn't till years later after I was dis mounting a top position that it happened again and I freaked the fuck out!!! There was no Google yet...I couldn't just look up Down There Farts in the encyclopedia....I don't have sisters and I lacked in the close friend department because of the whole crying lunatic/raging bitch thing. As time went on and that whole internet idea got popular.. that and I acquired a few BFFs to chat with....I now know queefing is totally normal and yet still so embarrassing. Like even when I just have sex with myself and it happens I get all out of sorts....like the Miguel 3.0 with 8 speeds really gives a rat's ass if I toot from my lady parts....smh. But hey- I have advice...... you can get on Fet Life and find guys that are into it....You can make your lover wear noise cancelling headphones....You can shut your legs and not have this type of incident at all or you can just learn to laugh it off. Here's the deal fellas....if she sounds like the marching band's brass section lives in her coo-ka-loo.....you are probably doing something right...just take it as a round of applause. If she get's a little weirded out....be a gentlemen and pretend you didn't hear it. We know you did but we are more likely to touch your wiener again if you just play dumb. Who the hell came up with the word queef anyway??? I suppose I could Google that as well.....but couldn't it be called something a little nicer like....tra la la la la? Oh I'm so embarrassed....I totally tra la la la-ed during intercourse....oh heavens. Yea....I like tra la la la la better. Now...I know there are going to be handful of you ladies out there that will swear to the fact that you do not.....tra la la la la....you are big fat liar faces. I don't care how tight your shit is....because believe me I do my kegals and I can squeeze the life out of a Slurpee straw....we all do it from time to time. IF YOU TRULY DO NOT EVER QUEEF....YOU ARE HAVING BORING SEX!!! Think about it.....Peace out.

Old, Fat & Distracted

Yes...I have been gone awhile....my bad. I want to be a cat...a house cat...not a lion or cougar (well maybe a cougar in the terms of having a fine young hottie..nah...young people piss me off...nevermind) When you're a cat it's ok to be just ridiculously fat...people LOVE a big rolly polly cat. The chunkier the better. You get to lounge around the house all day just fat as hell and lazy... people think it's the best thing ever. BUT if you are a human and obese they hate you and tell you to go away. #nofatties Also if you are a voluptuous cat you don't have to wear clothes...fat girls gotta cover up or people are all....GROSS!!! Cover up your cankles!!!! (BTW I may have a bit of a cankle but my ass is amazing....) I think maybe I should find a BBW worshiper with an animal fetish...it's called Plushy Love or something....I could put on ears and a tail...we could play one of those fantasy scenes where he saves me from the pound, brings me home, puts me on the bed... he starts scratching my belly.... Sorry that's as far as my fantasy gets...not because I can't get kinky....HELLO...middle aged lady here....I am in my prime!!! I just have very undocumented yet wildly witnessed ADHD..so right when I get to the good stuff I'm all like....I should totally look up cat costumes on Pinterest!!!!! Then I get to the PC and decide to check FB first...only to start scrolling down and see all the skinny girls from high school posting marathon pics and talking about yoga...so I get all depressed and find a cupcake. (crackheads are stupid...cupcakes are totally the best high ever) After the cupcake I grab a glass of wine and sit on my sad little exercise bike and listen to some Robin Thicke (who would never fuck a fat girl)....tears run down my face while I hate myself and chug my cheap wine. Then Nicki Minage hits the Pandora and bam...I have hope.....She has a huge ass and is wickedly loved ....I start picking up the pace & ride that little bike like it's Adam Levine (before he had blonde hair)......I feel amazing...there is hope!!! Half hour later I'm all laying on the floor in a puddle of sweat, crying for another cupcake and wishing I was a cat :( FML Peace Out

L & M

L & M....L is for Lazy...and M is for masturbation. Yes for me they go together.... I am too lazy to masturbate....I hate it. I really really hate it. Not only do I have to do all the work to get myself off but then I have to wash my hand when I'm done...I can't just fall asleep. Why diddle myself anyways....it's not the same as getting some good oral or sex from a guy...and toys are dumb...I can't feel sexy while fucking a purple plastic dick with rabbit ears hanging off of it...I'd rather just drink a bottle of wine...watch 21 Jumpstreet and pass the fuck out. Maybe I'm weird....but didn't y'all already figure that out??? Its just not my thing...but I think a good cheesecake can fix any kind of pent up sexual frustrations I have... sorry about the TMI but I'm running out of ideas for this challenge so...Peace Out!

J & K

J & K stand for Just Kidding....because I don't have anything....I am so behind and not feeling wicked creative so.... I thought J would be for jacking off...but I decided that M would be for masturbation ...well I guess I could still use Jacking off because M was only about me...and jacking off implies guys. What are your thoughts on dudes jerking it??? I think if they are in a relationship with me then they don't need to unless I ask them too for my entertainment.....or I am mad at them and am not giving up the honey pot...then fine...whack it....but you better be thinking of my boobies.... Guys all have this technique of jerking that I can not seem to replicate....so I am not into giving handjobs.....no way it can compare to their years and years of stroking it for themselves..... K.....what was K going to be about??? I don't know....Kangaroos??? Kegels??? OH....knowing me K was for Kinky..... I have found as I get older that my idea of Kinky has changed.... When I was a teen I wouldn't have sex in the light and I was only on bottom....now....well I still don't like the lights...my ass is massive....wish I had enjoyed my body in the light when I was younger...oh well. But things that would have freaked me out even in my 20's...now not so much...but I will never get into being peed on....or having extras...sex is for 2 people....I would lose my mind if two penises were trying to poke at me and I really don't want any vagina in my face. If that's your thing...then good for you...I will stick to fingering buttholes, slapping people around and my pierced nipples.... Well it's the weekend....y'all go have a few drinks and jack off or get kinky.....just make sure to tell me all about it! Peace Out!

I Don't Like It...Icky

I is for Icky Things.....I find all sorts of things to be icky. I have already blogged about most of them but there is always something new to gross me out....here is a short list that quickly comes to mind. Women who wear flesh colored stretch pants....well dudes too....I don't care what body type you have...it's not flattering. Please refrain. Guys who drop their nuts on other guys...I blame the Jackass crew for this fad...it is not funny....just stop you sick sick fucks. When my dog eats my tampons.... Port O Potties.... Women who wear those big, knee high boots, with their jeans all tucked in. You look like Peter Pan...plus that is a lot of work to get off..your pussy better be worth the work...plus I bet your feet smell now.....it's just ICKY! The cast of Jersey Shore... Uncircumcised penises..... & sardines.... What do y'all find to be ICKY??? Peace Out!

C Is For Cunnilingus

C is for Cunnilingus ....I know...I am always talking about sex stuff...it's because my mind is always always always in the gutter and if I had to pick something other than sex stuff C would be for Crap because that's all I got. I thought about it all day and had pondered doing Cake (I fucking love cake)...I even made one..the kids helped frost it but nothing ridiculously exciting happened. No fires, no eggs in the eyes....nada. So...that would be a tad bit boring. So here I am with C is for Cunnilingus...which is fine with me...it's one of my favorite things. It's right up there with boxed wine and cake. If I could have all three at once I would be soooo happy....well no...I thrash around like that chick in the exorcist so it would probably get really messy and I already do enough laundry..so maybe we will leave the snacks out if it. Isn't it sad when someone goes down on you and it sucks???? You just lay there knowing that if this is bad...then the sex will be probably be bad too...so you debate if you should just grab your panties and go. Why chance a bad lay??? All guys think they rock at it too and well...not everyone is a rockstar. Most can be taught if you feel like putting the time in...but you must shame them...no one wants to be bad at licking pussy....so don't lie and be like Oh it's awesome...then they won't want direction....just be honest and say, Hey this is awful....if you want me to cum you need to actually find my clit! But...when it's good it's good and is great for when you don't want to get totally undressed or when you don't have a lot of time but just need to get off.... If your partner does not like to go downtown to chow then you need to kick them to the curb and beat them with a bat....well not the beating part....then you will go to jail and end up giving cunnilingus to some huge chick named Pat...no fun! Well...I hope I have rambled on enough for this post...I'm going to go have cake now. Peace Out!

Period Preparedness

Alright fellas.....if y'all have a wife or girlfriend...friend with benefits...you obviously will find from time to time (like one week a month...duh) her box of tampons sitting out on the bathroom counter. This means more than just a week of masturbation for you.....I'm going to break it down for you so that you can survive the 5-7 days of red river rapids. The 10 Things Men Should Know When The Tampon Box Is On The Bathroom Counter: 1. You are not funny....it is not ok to crack a joke of any sort....especially about her. Don't go there....this will end in one of two ways....you will send her into a tear filled depression only to be fixed by watching The Notebook over and over again OR you will get stabbed in the face. So save your "funny" shit for Twitter. 2. You should bring home chocolate. 3. Your new favorite phrase is: Damn Baby, you look so skinny! Any other compliment will backfire and will end in the same one of two ways as #1. 4. There is nothing wrong with finding her on the living room floor with 3 bottles of wine...she may not even have a glass....just smile and say the phrase from #3. Any other approach will end in the same one of two ways from #1. 5. You should bring home more chocolate. 6. Your new favorite movie is Twilight. You may even want to watch it for the the next 5-7 days because it's the most epic love story of our time....and then as you press play on the Blu Ray player you say the phrase from #3 and smile. 7. Sweat pants are sexy....she looks amazing in them....you are going to buy her more because they look so good. Then you say the phrase from #3. 8. You should buy some more chocolate. 9. You are stupid....let's face it....just about everything you say is going to be wrong....just remember these words: You're right Baby. I'm so sorry... Any other version will end in the same one of two ways as #1. 10. Get more chocolate and as you hand it to her say the phrase from #3. Good luck....hope you don't get stabbed. Unless you are an insensitive douche face...then you deserve it. Peace Out.

Sadistic Game Of Twister...Or Just Grooming?

Women do stupid things to make themselves feel pretty.....I am a woman and I do stupid shit all the time....I pay money to get my hair a certain color, I get tattoos, I squeeze my feet into pointy, ill fitting high heels, I wear uncomfortable bras to make me look like my boobs don't hang at my hips and now my most stupid attempt to feel amazing was having my vagina waxed. Yep....I paid some chick to rip the hair out of my girl parts. What the fuck?????? Why not just trim it??? Several reasons....you have 2 small children, 3 cats and a dog run in and out of the bathroom while trying to clean up your lady parts and tell me if you can do a great job.....or much less be as clumsy as I am and not take a chunk out (ouch).....plus...it feels all prickly within days and then when I take my panties down it's like peeling a cactus off of a sheep. So...yea a Brazilian sounded like a great idea. Till I got to the salon......where I was greeted by a tiny, young gorgeous lady...yea....like I want her to see my wounded underworld....I've had 3 large babies...it's not exactly the Garden Of Eden down there. Oh well...I drop my bottoms and get on the table....she asks me what I want....meaning bald eagle, Bermuda triangle or a landing strip....I went for the landing strip...the thought of looking like a 7 year old down there made me feel creepy. On goes the wax....it was warm and almost comforting...till she ripped the cloth of death off my coo coo and I yelled some sort of obscenity and tried to punch her. Luckily she jumped out of the way....at least I knew what to expect the rest of the time....or so I thought. Ok...so.....we get the top part done....then she tells me to grab my knees and pull them up to my head. Um....could you buy me dinner first????? What the fuck is this....birthing class?!?! But I had already done this much...what the heck right? So I do...and thank sweet Jesus she was quick....I screamed like a little bitch :( but it was done and over with.....I got up and started putting my stuff on...when she asked if I wanted my....um....back door area done....I told her FUCK NO....and continued putting my clothes on. You know what really annoyed me??? The tranquil music playing in the background...stop trying to lull me into a calm state....you can not be relaxed for something like this....you need to amped up and prepared...it's like when you get shot in the woods and you need to slam a half a bottle of whiskey and bite down on a tree branch while your friend digs the fucking bullet out.....play me some Nine Inch Nails and hand me some tequila god damn it!!! Will I go back in six weeks to have it done again????? HELL YES I WILL....when I got home and saw my gorgeous vagina it was sooooo worth it....next time I will be drunk...so I will need a sober cab....cuz I'm gonna suck down a few rum and cokes but pretty pink parts is way worth it!

Suckers!!!

Blow jobs....what's the deal ladies??? Why are you against sucking a little dick (pun intended)...I get it....this day & age there are nasty cooties all over the place so no, you are not just gonna go bobbing for penis on just any man...yucky....but in a happy committed relationship why are so many women still so afraid of tongue slapping their man's mini me? You prudes are stupid....BJs have a lot of power....oh wait did you expect me to tell you how they bring you closer to your partner via increased sexual pleasure???? Well it can and that's nice and all BUT if you are smart it will get you out of nights when you don't feel like having regular intercourse and if you are lucky....a quick one in the parking lot of the local mall will score you a new pair of shoes (maybe even some perfume). They say the pen is mightier then the sword....so is knob gobbling....suck that sword hard and proud for a few minuets (well maybe longer if you haven't had much practice) and you will have more power than you ever dreamed of....ever have a man come home after a night out with the boys and he's all ready to go "whispering" all sorts of stupid crap (your boobs are like little kegs of beer...or.. you know I'm sexy lets do me) and smelling like they rolled in fried mushrooms and Jack Daniels??? Yea a fast and easy way to get him to pass out is to suck his dick.....then when he wakes up in the morning not only will he think you are amazing and understanding but he won't give you shit when you ask him to cut the grass. (Lucky me my hubby is not dumb enough to come home like that...and he still cuts the grass). What about nights when you've stayed up late watching some Lifetime movie and your man thinks it's time to get all steamy but you just wanna go to bed... blow him.....you don't even have to take off your jammies and in 3 minuets you are fast asleep my friend ...and for you not to take advantage of this is straight up helmet wearing retarded. I know some women find it gross....um....hello...I'd rather get to rinse my mouth out with some Listerine for a few seconds then have that stuff dripping down my leg for hours or wake up to find the rubber still floating in the toilet....eeewwww. Plus...if you give him a little head from time to time they are more then willing to give you some too....not that men ever seem to really need motivation for that....most men can't wait to eat out at the sushi bar....which brings me to another point.....what's with the ladies who don't like getting kitty a bath???? The one reason a normal woman would not like it is because she doesn't like the person doing it.....and sometimes that doesn't even hinder the enjoyment. Some men are not as good at it...but no man wants to be bad at it so they don't mind a little coaching....you just need to do guide them....as long as you use the sexy voice they won't get offended....slow down, speed up, higher, lower, wetter etc are all fine things to say as long as you use that lusty voice with a little moan in between....then they take mental notes of what breaks the dam so that next time they can feel like the tuna tasting king. I've heard a few prudes say they find getting oral is disgusting....really...but letting an ugly penis slam in and out of your vagina is beautiful??? I don't know about you but having my lady bits smooched by the man I love seems a lot less horrifying then having his huge ball sack slam against my asshole while he beats the hell out of my whoo ha....however it's just as enjoyable :) yea buddy....so come on you frigid bitches....go getcha some new shoes! Peace Out!