Not Your Granny's Panties....

E is for Edible Underwear. Yep...you read that right....panties you can eat. Am I the only one who thinks these are stupid????? Only two types of women buy these things....skanks and married women in need of something other then the same old routine. I'm not even going to touch the skanks ( and you shouldn't either....you might catch something)....I'm just going to ask the married women WTF are you thinking? I understand the way to man's heart is through his stomach but if you want Big Daddy to go downtown for dinner....don't fill him up with the Fruit RollUp you just slapped on your vagina! It will end up just turning into something silly and there goes the soap opera sex you were hoping for. I know they have the ones made out of hard candy....like the necklaces....but do you really want to chance him taking a bite of your banana split???? OUCH! Plus that's a candy I remember eating as a child so it just seems creepy.

If you really want some skin-e-max type action....then YOU need to take it....and if he doesn't want to play....get a divorce. Peace Out!

Suckers!!!

Blow jobs....what's the deal ladies??? Why are you against sucking a little dick (pun intended)...I get it....this day & age there are nasty cooties all over the place so no, you are not just gonna go bobbing for penis on just any man...yucky....but in a happy committed relationship why are so many women still so afraid of tongue slapping their man's mini me? You prudes are stupid....BJs have a lot of power....oh wait did you expect me to tell you how they bring you closer to your partner via increased sexual pleasure???? Well it can and that's nice and all BUT if you are smart it will get you out of nights when you don't feel like having regular intercourse and if you are lucky....a quick one in the parking lot of the local mall will score you a new pair of shoes (maybe even some perfume). They say the pen is mightier then the sword....so is knob gobbling....suck that sword hard and proud for a few minuets (well maybe longer if you haven't had much practice) and you will have more power than you ever dreamed of....ever have a man come home after a night out with the boys and he's all ready to go "whispering" all sorts of stupid crap (your boobs are like little kegs of beer...or.. you know I'm sexy lets do me) and smelling like they rolled in fried mushrooms and Jack Daniels??? Yea a fast and easy way to get him to pass out is to suck his dick.....then when he wakes up in the morning not only will he think you are amazing and understanding but he won't give you shit when you ask him to cut the grass. (Lucky me my hubby is not dumb enough to come home like that...and he still cuts the grass). What about nights when you've stayed up late watching some Lifetime movie and your man thinks it's time to get all steamy but you just wanna go to bed... blow him.....you don't even have to take off your jammies and in 3 minuets you are fast asleep my friend ...and for you not to take advantage of this is straight up helmet wearing retarded. I know some women find it gross....um....hello...I'd rather get to rinse my mouth out with some Listerine for a few seconds then have that stuff dripping down my leg for hours or wake up to find the rubber still floating in the toilet....eeewwww. Plus...if you give him a little head from time to time they are more then willing to give you some too....not that men ever seem to really need motivation for that....most men can't wait to eat out at the sushi bar....which brings me to another point.....what's with the ladies who don't like getting kitty a bath???? The one reason a normal woman would not like it is because she doesn't like the person doing it.....and sometimes that doesn't even hinder the enjoyment. Some men are not as good at it...but no man wants to be bad at it so they don't mind a little coaching....you just need to do guide them....as long as you use the sexy voice they won't get offended....slow down, speed up, higher, lower, wetter etc are all fine things to say as long as you use that lusty voice with a little moan in between....then they take mental notes of what breaks the dam so that next time they can feel like the tuna tasting king. I've heard a few prudes say they find getting oral is disgusting....really...but letting an ugly penis slam in and out of your vagina is beautiful??? I don't know about you but having my lady bits smooched by the man I love seems a lot less horrifying then having his huge ball sack slam against my asshole while he beats the hell out of my whoo ha....however it's just as enjoyable :) yea buddy....so come on you frigid bitches....go getcha some new shoes! Peace Out!

Some Women Dig MinPins....Not Me..But Some...I Guess

Ok...so I had some responses to a post I did....He's Just Not That In And Out Of You....most of which were women in denial about why their men were not giving it to em like Charlie Sheen on a Wednesday night bender....listen up dumb bitches....it is what it is....and if you wanna keep fooling yourselves then fine but make sure you buy rechargeable batteries for your vibrating panties. Then I got a response from a man who had to be yanking my chain.....he said he doesn't tickle his wife's fancy very often because he's embarrassed of his tiny dick....what the fuck ever.....I don't believe any man with any type of penis would ever turn down sex from someone he desired.....so I call BULLSHIT....if for some reason this is true let me give you some advice....BANG HER....she married you small pecker and all...it is your job to prick her pin cushion as often as you can.....if it were a problem she should have said something so I'm guessing it's a non issue...and if you really just can't bring yourself to draw your sword or in your case...Swiss Army Knife then for crying out loud man use the excuse of tiny pee pee syndrome to talk her into popping the pudding hole! She won't need to sit on a bag of frozen broccoli then next day and you get to feel like big fish in a small pond for the first time in your miserable jock stuffing life. It's a win win....she may request you gobble her goulash first but hey we all do before we put on a performance. So claim your fame Tiny Penis Man...and if she says no a game of putt butt golf....put a Superman cape on and go at her vagina like a whack a mole game.....good luck and peace out!

For Better Or Worse...Way Worse

Ugh... so I was reading some article about getting married and the top reasons people want to be hitched. It was all mushy, dumb stuff....like being with someone who holds their soul and feeling true love every moment of every day blah blah blah.....do you want to know REAL reasons why being married is awesome? I got 5.....here we go:
#1 Comfort....I no longer have to wear things that cut off circulation, pinch or cause my bones to bruise .....I can wear my torn jeans and old sweats.....oh and the bra that makes the girls look amazing but cracks my ribs is now reserved for when I want something expensive. Oh and shaving...my legs can look like an alpaca and he's still willing to spoon with me.
#2 Honesty....I don't have to pretend all the jokes are funny or that all his family is wonderful....now I can be like...Hey your bitch sister isn't coming for Christmas! It's so much easier to be a loving wife when I don't waste energy being nice to the in-laws.
#3 Eating....ok this is not really an issue for me after the first date....if I can't eat chicken wings and drink several beers in front of someone then they just can't be in my life....but I know lots of dumb bitches that refuse to eat messy foods in front of men....wtf you can wrap your mouth around his dick but you won't eat some chili dogs....get some therapy!
#4 Health....I can fart....
And the fifth reason why being hitched is better than dating is.....Sex....no not because it gets better after marriage...but because I no longer have to bring my A game to every match....I can be lazy or I can leave a few tricks in the bag.....let's face it after a long day and a big meal we don't always want to be a full on porn star....sometimes it's just a get on, get off, get some sleep sort of night......which by the way just makes the nights when you do go all the way to Freaky Town that much sweeter.
So....now that you know some real...day to day reasons why being married is great...the one question you need to ask yourself is.....will you be able to ask for toilet paper while dropping a deuce....I know have no problem..I leave the door wide open and yell....Help or I'm using your socks! It may not be romantic but he still wants to shag me later so I know it's love. Peace out!

He's Just Not That In & Out Of You

Husbands always want sex....always...always....like all the time....anywhere...tired or not, hungry or full, set on fire or drowning in the deep end....so to the few of you ladies out there who are having trouble getting your husband into the sack there are only 4 reasons he's not boxing your glove. You should know that it does not matter if you are awesome at sex or not...if you are awake and willing that's enough....sometimes you don't even really need to be awake...just aware enough to say "just hurry up"...he will do all the work after that....so....here it is...and it's not nice...but let's just get honest here....
Reason number 1...his dick doesn't work....he may need the little blue pill and is a fucking dumbass who is too embarrassed and wont go get it from the doc.
Reason number 2.....he's cheating on you....now this is only true if he's in love with his girlfriend and does not want to cheat on her with you...twisted right??? If it's just side pussy he will still fuck you but most likely only in the morning....there will no longer be afternoon cha cha cuz he's in the back of your minivan spanking the nanny.
Reason number 3...he's gay....
Reason number 4.....your clam has sat in the sun too long....he may wish to moo shoo your pork but the thought of your smelly old egg salad just makes him sick......and he certainly isn't going downtown for dinner if your takeout is nasty.
So....what to do???? Go the gyno and make sure your vag is ok...then buy some soap....if that isn't it...check his porn....you can tell a lot about what they like by porn they view....if there is boys in bowties you are barking up the wrong cock.....if its all tits then hack his blackberry.....Jerry from the gym is really Maria from the beauty salon and she's definitely teasing his pubes. No mistress???? His hose wont spray....he needs you to just come out and say HEY FIX YOUR SHIT..if he is worried and being a big baby etc maybe promise him some butt sex...he will be at the doctor first thing in the morning. Hope this helps....if not....get a dildo...Peace Out.

We've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All!

I don't know how to lightly approach this subject so I guess I will just dive right on in...there is no secret that I have been married 3 times....I have a few kids...watched a few pornos and have HBO....I have seen a few sets of balls in my time. Let me tell you a big giant sack is worth looking for....and very hard to find...my current hubby (that sounds awful) has a damn set of catchers mitts between his legs....just the most giant testicles I have ever friggen seen....and at first they freaked me the fuck out....just from pure shock....now that I have had some one on one time with them...they are the best thing ever....I just love them! Giant balls have some really nice advantages too.... it's kinda like upgrades for a car....a basic model works just fine but if you can get a few extras...you enjoy it more...so...first on the list is...massive cojones are more durable...yep they can take much more aggression...so a little too much tooth or a squeeze that is too tight a pull that's a bit rough here and there does end a good spanking session. Second...when your man is in....uh...full swing....so are his jolly knockers...I like to call it the pleasure pat....it's most effective during doggie style however a little ass pat during missionary is nice too....mmmmmmm mommy like. Third...well let's face it...bragging rights....now I know there are still a few classy girls left out there that do not discuss such matters...however...ya'll are few and far between and the rest of us discuss our mans junk and his ability to use it....and if we are really good friends we don't lie about it either. Nothing is better than being able to smile proudly and say my husband has some huge ass jungle berries and fat dick to go with them....own up to it ladies...we all want to be tore up and pleasured till we pass out and not all men can do that....and a man with a large gift bag has a major advantage....plus it's straight up cool when your guy is sitting there with a giant bulge in his pants and all the other chicks see that it's just dying to sprawl out and be let loose from it's confines of jeans and jockey shorts.... and in our head we are all like ha ha bitches...that's what I'm playing with tonight!!!!! As nice women we all like to make up for what our guys lack with little sayings like....he can go forever or....his hands are like magic....that all means he has a smaller set of frank and beans that we would have liked and he has no idea how to use them...it's sorta tragic how we feel that we need to say such things...and it's stressful trying to think of them. SO.....all in all if you are a single gal on the prowl for a man...make sure his steak and eggs are enough to satisfy your sexual appetite or you will be tempted to check out a different menu....and no love is not enough.....love is a very very large part of what makes a relationship tick...however...if his skills in the bedroom suck and you find yourself telling your mate to go drinking with his buddies so you can stay home with a bottle of wine and a vibrator....that love will turn to annoyance and you will be apartment searching within the year. Here are some tips to help with the choosing of a partner....If he has small soft hands...chances are he has a small soft dick...run away. If he is not really into giving oral pleasures....it means he has already found out that he is bad at it....run away. If he cannot refer to his penis as a cock, dick or shaft.....and uses words like ding dong or thingy....he has no idea how to use his unmentioned penis and never will....run away. If he pulls down his pants and you don't immediately think DAMN....you never will and will soon find Chinese food and cake batter more satisfying....run away. I know we would all like to think we are nice girls and it's not all about size....but it is.... face it we don't want to feel like we are giving head to a toothpick or getting banged by a thermometer.....and if a guy has no idea how to please a lady by the time he's 20...it will never ever happen....you can't teach an old dog new tricks....especially one with a skinny willy and chili beans for nuts.
Oh...and we as women need to stop lying to men and telling them they have big turbo diesels in their pants when they don't....because then they get all cocky (ha ha get it) and want to use it all the time...then we gotta fake orgasms and pretend we have headaches etc....it's just more trouble than it's worth...if the asshole asks what you think of his tennis equipment he's trying to sell you just tell him that you need to test it out before you can purchase the product....if after a few games you are not impressed....tell him to find a chick that's 4'9 and pack it up ...life goes on.
Peace out my friends...I hope tonight you get ravaged till you are unable to walk....and if you don't I hope you have a chocolate cake in the fridge....

Tea Is For Two & So Is The Horizontal Mambo!

I was reading an article in favorite magazine...Marie Claire...about a lady that agreed to a threesome for her husbands birthday. It explained why she did it and how she found someone, how it all went down and how it made her feel afterwards....however....it never explained why her husband was such a fucking prick. I know that lots of guys fantasize about having two women at once but if a married / committed man is really wanting and willing to do that then he's an asshole. I love my husband and thank God he is not into married sluttyness because I would beat his ass with a vacuum cleaner if he ever asked for a menage a trois.... What a horrible selfish thing to do...and don't think of me as some prude...I do have 3 kids and my vagina does all sorts of wonderful things....but I just don't think some other chick needs to find out what those things are while my man watches etc.....and I really don't play well with others to begin with....much less share my favorite toy (that would be my husband's penis)....maybe it's because I'm an only child...maybe it's because of my values (yes, I have a few of those)....but I think it's because...I'm not a nasty whore and I would prefer my husband to keep his dick to himself (well him and me). Not that a threesome would work well for us anyways...I think we would scare the girl off...come on think about it....she would have to sign some sort of waiver....first of all...my hubby and I are on the fluffy side (meaning we are fat) so that's a lot of weight being thrown at one person....second...I'm like a piranha....I love to do some biting....I doubt she would like to explain the teeth marks on her face and arms....then there's always the chance that one of my 800 kids would come barreling through the door....can we say awkward????....did I mention the noises....yea...the first few times I banged my husband he scared the crap out of me with this growl like sound....it's a deep primal sound that now really turns me on but at first I thought I had just screwed a grizzly bear....and I well...I just make little noises....until the...OH GOD BABY and the OH YEA LIKE THAT...stuff comes out of my mouth at a really alarming volume...after all that she would need some therapy...and I am only going to be responsible for screwing up my children....not random idiots that agree to smash with married people....they are apparently all ready on the edge of sanity....I don't feel like pushing them off with my boobies. So I guess it's safe to say my marriage is closed to the public....well other then what I spill on the blog...and I like it that way....to the rest of you...do what you like...just remember....inviting someone into your bed not only welcomes doubts and fears but herpes and the clap...nothing says I love you like a trip to the free clinic! Peace out!