For Better Or Worse...Way Worse

Ugh... so I was reading some article about getting married and the top reasons people want to be hitched. It was all mushy, dumb stuff....like being with someone who holds their soul and feeling true love every moment of every day blah blah blah.....do you want to know REAL reasons why being married is awesome? I got 5.....here we go:
#1 Comfort....I no longer have to wear things that cut off circulation, pinch or cause my bones to bruise .....I can wear my torn jeans and old sweats.....oh and the bra that makes the girls look amazing but cracks my ribs is now reserved for when I want something expensive. Oh and shaving...my legs can look like an alpaca and he's still willing to spoon with me.
#2 Honesty....I don't have to pretend all the jokes are funny or that all his family is wonderful....now I can be like...Hey your bitch sister isn't coming for Christmas! It's so much easier to be a loving wife when I don't waste energy being nice to the in-laws.
#3 Eating....ok this is not really an issue for me after the first date....if I can't eat chicken wings and drink several beers in front of someone then they just can't be in my life....but I know lots of dumb bitches that refuse to eat messy foods in front of men....wtf you can wrap your mouth around his dick but you won't eat some chili dogs....get some therapy!
#4 Health....I can fart....
And the fifth reason why being hitched is better than dating is.....Sex....no not because it gets better after marriage...but because I no longer have to bring my A game to every match....I can be lazy or I can leave a few tricks in the bag.....let's face it after a long day and a big meal we don't always want to be a full on porn star....sometimes it's just a get on, get off, get some sleep sort of night......which by the way just makes the nights when you do go all the way to Freaky Town that much sweeter.
So....now that you know some real...day to day reasons why being married is great...the one question you need to ask yourself is.....will you be able to ask for toilet paper while dropping a deuce....I know have no problem..I leave the door wide open and yell....Help or I'm using your socks! It may not be romantic but he still wants to shag me later so I know it's love. Peace out!