Monday, November 16, 2015

Type One Dia-Bad-Ass

November is Diabetes awareness month.....I happen to have a Type 1 Diabetic child aka a T1D. She was diagnoses late last be honest it's all still new and yet already old hat. I have to tell you....I fucking hate diabetes. I hate that she can't just grab a muffin and eat it on the way to school. She has to check her blood and count her carbs and then shoot up the proper amount of insulin then eat. Oh then we all pray it works...because in the world of matter what you do, no matter how on point you are....everything changes constantly and every damn thing affects you. While your kid packs his bag...stuffing in homework and gaming device and wonders what excuse he will give the teacher as to why he didn't do his T1D does all that and checks her emergency snacks, glucose monitor, test strips, insulin and double checks that her medical alert bracelet is on....oh and her "excuse" as to why something wasn't done or why she is late is because she was high or low and up all night correcting know life and death... While your daughter comes home upset because someone didn't like her shoes....mine comes home and cries because a classmate told her she does all this testing and snacks and resting and water drinking and multiple nurse trips just to get attention. (I know it's wrong to want to punch a child in the I will just pray that a squirrel bites him on the ass).... Your child can get new child will always be diabetic.
You put your children on the bus...grab coffee and head to work or whatever...I say a prayer that in the time she's on the bus nothing goes wrong...because there is no one there to help her...and I just want her to be where there is someone trained to assist her.... Yes I could drive her everyday...but she wants to be normal for 20 minuets a's something I think about everyday. Her health is important but so is her heart and her soul. I do my best to balance it all.... You finish watching The Big Bang Theory and head off to bed for a solid 6-7 hours....I get up at 2am to check her blood and usually there is some correction to be made....either I wake her up to eat and then recheck and recheck again because I won't sleep if I'm not sure....or if she's high....I wake her so she can take insulin, drink water and walk around the neighborhood to get her blood levels down...oh then check and re check...... sweet dreams. You have your kids play outside while you do laundry etc..I watch mine like a hawk in case she gets a sudden low.....I get nothing done. You wonder if your child should get a new gaming system and how to pay for that...I long for a dex com but know I can't afford the co pays that come with it and pray to win the lottery. Even with all girl is amazing....she won't let anyone dose her...she takes control...she does get pissy but who wouldn't. She hula hoops like a pro, she swims like mermaid, she crafts, she loves the beach and time with friends.... She sings like no one is listening and just wants to love everyone.....I'm so very proud of my T1D ...she's a badass... So while you plan your me a favor...count all the carbs....add them up and think...whoa...I can eat all this and just be happy with my family. My family will be skipping a few of the usual sides this year....going lower carb... making sure she doses correctly and hoping that she doesn't get some weird reaction to green bean casserole. I am thankful that I even get to rant all over the place about this...... I don't want your pity...I don't want your help...I want you to be fully aware that this could happen to your child. PLEASE know the signs...please be patient with parents who have a child that requires extra attention...we are edgy from lack of sleep and being in a constant state of Momma Bear. Please pray for a cure. Thank you. Peace Out.

Friday, August 28, 2015

What The F*ck Was That????

Some of the best sex you will ever have...will get totally ruined by...queefing. It's a fact. It's like Mother Nature's joke on you for getting your freak on. Just when you get a little adventurous & try a new, hot position...queef. Just when you are grinding out the best orgasm of your life ...extra long queef. It sucks....and no one fucking tells you about them! In fact... once I thought about it....I realized that I didn't even tell myself about them. I had my first queef at 15. No not because I was getting diddled by JV quarterback....boys didn't like me much in high school (not even the one that knocked me up). I cried a lot back then and when I wasn't crying I was being like a huge it's really not that different from the way I am now except my boobs were smaller....I wasn't exactly super popular with the boys. Okay so back to my non sexual was during dance practice...I use to be cute and fit....and yes on the dance team.....we were doing some trying to get our feet over our heads (that sounds strippery but I promise it's not...we did jazz dances to christian rap music...stop laughing.) and I guess my body bent too funny and when I brought my leg down...queef. OH MY GOD...of course my freaking nemesis heard it and yelled out -EEWWWW Did You Just Fart?! - here's the deal....I was so freaked out by the fact that the fart sound came from my vagina...which by the way I was still so young I didn't say the word vagina yet...pretty sure I just called down there.... I was so freaked out about my Down There noise - that I said yes...I farted..and tried to laugh it off. It wasn't till years later after I was dis mounting a top position that it happened again and I freaked the fuck out!!! There was no Google yet...I couldn't just look up Down There Farts in the encyclopedia....I don't have sisters and I lacked in the close friend department because of the whole crying lunatic/raging bitch thing. As time went on and that whole internet idea got popular.. that and I acquired a few BFFs to chat with....I now know queefing is totally normal and yet still so embarrassing. Like even when I just have sex with myself and it happens I get all out of the Miguel 3.0 with 8 speeds really gives a rat's ass if I toot from my lady parts....smh. But hey- I have advice...... you can get on Fet Life and find guys that are into it....You can make your lover wear noise cancelling headphones....You can shut your legs and not have this type of incident at all or you can just learn to laugh it off. Here's the deal fellas....if she sounds like the marching band's brass section lives in her are probably doing something right...just take it as a round of applause. If she get's a little weirded a gentlemen and pretend you didn't hear it. We know you did but we are more likely to touch your wiener again if you just play dumb. Who the hell came up with the word queef anyway??? I suppose I could Google that as well.....but couldn't it be called something a little nicer like....tra la la la la? Oh I'm so embarrassed....I totally tra la la la-ed during intercourse....oh heavens. Yea....I like tra la la la la better. Now...I know there are going to be handful of you ladies out there that will swear to the fact that you do not.....tra la la la are big fat liar faces. I don't care how tight your shit is....because believe me I do my kegals and I can squeeze the life out of a Slurpee straw....we all do it from time to time. IF YOU TRULY DO NOT EVER QUEEF....YOU ARE HAVING BORING SEX!!! Think about it.....Peace out.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Midnight Snack

As a tired nothing has changed there. Still a mom and still tired. Now to up the ante I now have a diabetic. Just a few short months ago my middle child...was diagnosed with T1D. I'm sure you will see more posts regarding that. For the sake of this means waking up at 2am to check her blood....praying that there aren't corrections to be made....that she's all good and we can sleep. Some nights we are not so last night. I check her...she's low....I give her juice and crackers- while this is all going on the cat, Big Fluff decides he is going to weave around my ankles and push into me. No not to show me love or support....I know him all to's to let me know he wants food. I need to wait 15 min to recheck my T1 Diva so I go and inspect his food....he literally prances along next to me with excitement.- His bowl is "empty" ....not like there is nothing in he took 5 whole morsels out of one side and has determined that it is now empty. Really?? Okay...fine I will feed you....mostly so that you will leave me alone when I go back to poke at my kiddo again. Here's where shit gets real. He sees me going for the bag...and he stretches his neck up real high like he's seeing God or something and is in pure amazement.....he hears me digging with the cup and he drops to the floor... BAM!!...drag queen death drop style. As I walk back to the food dish he starts rolling around like a stripper on the stage of seedy truck stop strip club and it's the day before rent is due....legs all stretched out and up in the air. Are you kidding me?....Have some class Fluff. As I get closer you can actually hear him start to purr....what a little food slut....and as I go to pour the food into his dish....WHACK!!!! He headbutts my hand the food falls out all over the place!!!!! Annoyed and tired I yell at him.... "FASSHOLE!" ....yep fasshole.... I friggen combined the words...Fat Asshole...not on purpose ..which really kinda pissed me off. Not only was your dish not anywhere near empty yet you pretend to love me for charm your way into getting me to feed you at 2am roll around like Craigslist hooker and then you have the balls to knock the shit out of my hand so you can start to gobble down your meow mix like those weirdos at the Nathan's hotdog eating contests....I'm so annoyed that I can't even speak words.....FASSHOLE! I wanted to rub his head in his food and ask him....Is this what you like??? But it seemed a little much and sorta pervy. I contemplated a drink but I had to get up in 3 hours and still have a kid to tend Like A Boss...I cleaned up the spilled meow mix and told him I liked Dita better (our other asshole cat)....showed him right? Sigh. I know by design I'm supposed to be cat lady...but sometimes I really hate them. hour later my Darling Diabetic finally was stable enough for me to go back to sleep.....where I laid there listening to my FASSHOLE cat snore and plotted my revenge.....Unicorn Costume! Mwahahahaha! Peace Out.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I Could Just Shit...

So...I'm watching Bubble Guppies with my young children and my grand babies and this La La Loopsy commercial comes on. Cool. I love those dolls. Some of them are pretty rad.....right??? NOPE. This particular doll.....SHITS OUT A CHARM! THEN YOUR CHILD TAKES IT OUT OF IT'S PANTS AND WEARS THE FUCKING CHARM! Are you kidding me?!!!!!!???? What kind of 50 shades of fetish bullshit is with this? What friggen dumbasses at the LalaLoopsy factory thought this was a brilliant one along the way said..hey this is gross and kinky as fuck and we should all get canned for even thinking it's ok. Let's think back here....remember when they wanted to take the drunks and wenches out of the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride at Disney? I guess so that young, impressionable children wouldn't think it's ok to grow up to be drunk whores or something.....but hey....digging for things to wear out of some steaming, hot that's totally ok. WTF. Obviously Susie The Charm Crapper will not be on the list for Santa this year..... neither will the wiener dog game that apparently takes a dump on the board. What happened to thing's like pick up sticks...not that my demon spawn even pick up their room much less a bunch of pointy damn sticks I just paid $7.99 for. Perhaps the answer of cheap boxed wine (for me not the kids you idiot) Because...well I loved those dirty wenches at Disney!!!! Peace Out!

Friday, July 4, 2014

Old, Fat & Distracted

Yes...I have been gone bad. I want to be a cat...a house cat...not a lion or cougar (well maybe a cougar in the terms of having a fine young hottie..nah...young people piss me off...nevermind) When you're a cat it's ok to be just ridiculously fat...people LOVE a big rolly polly cat. The chunkier the better. You get to lounge around the house all day just fat as hell and lazy... people think it's the best thing ever. BUT if you are a human and obese they hate you and tell you to go away. #nofatties Also if you are a voluptuous cat you don't have to wear clothes...fat girls gotta cover up or people are all....GROSS!!! Cover up your cankles!!!! (BTW I may have a bit of a cankle but my ass is amazing....) I think maybe I should find a BBW worshiper with an animal's called Plushy Love or something....I could put on ears and a tail...we could play one of those fantasy scenes where he saves me from the pound, brings me home, puts me on the bed... he starts scratching my belly.... Sorry that's as far as my fantasy gets...not because I can't get kinky....HELLO...middle aged lady here....I am in my prime!!! I just have very undocumented yet wildly witnessed right when I get to the good stuff I'm all like....I should totally look up cat costumes on Pinterest!!!!! Then I get to the PC and decide to check FB first...only to start scrolling down and see all the skinny girls from high school posting marathon pics and talking about I get all depressed and find a cupcake. (crackheads are stupid...cupcakes are totally the best high ever) After the cupcake I grab a glass of wine and sit on my sad little exercise bike and listen to some Robin Thicke (who would never fuck a fat girl)....tears run down my face while I hate myself and chug my cheap wine. Then Nicki Minage hits the Pandora and bam...I have hope.....She has a huge ass and is wickedly loved ....I start picking up the pace & ride that little bike like it's Adam Levine (before he had blonde hair)......I feel amazing...there is hope!!! Half hour later I'm all laying on the floor in a puddle of sweat, crying for another cupcake and wishing I was a cat :( FML Peace Out

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

L & M

L & M....L is for Lazy...and M is for masturbation. Yes for me they go together.... I am too lazy to masturbate....I hate it. I really really hate it. Not only do I have to do all the work to get myself off but then I have to wash my hand when I'm done...I can't just fall asleep. Why diddle myself's not the same as getting some good oral or sex from a guy...and toys are dumb...I can't feel sexy while fucking a purple plastic dick with rabbit ears hanging off of it...I'd rather just drink a bottle of 21 Jumpstreet and pass the fuck out. Maybe I'm weird....but didn't y'all already figure that out??? Its just not my thing...but I think a good cheesecake can fix any kind of pent up sexual frustrations I have... sorry about the TMI but I'm running out of ideas for this challenge so...Peace Out!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

J & K

J & K stand for Just Kidding....because I don't have anything....I am so behind and not feeling wicked creative so.... I thought J would be for jacking off...but I decided that M would be for masturbation ...well I guess I could still use Jacking off because M was only about me...and jacking off implies guys. What are your thoughts on dudes jerking it??? I think if they are in a relationship with me then they don't need to unless I ask them too for my entertainment.....or I am mad at them and am not giving up the honey pot...then fine...whack it....but you better be thinking of my boobies.... Guys all have this technique of jerking that I can not seem to I am not into giving way it can compare to their years and years of stroking it for themselves..... K.....what was K going to be about??? I don't know....Kangaroos??? Kegels??? OH....knowing me K was for Kinky..... I have found as I get older that my idea of Kinky has changed.... When I was a teen I wouldn't have sex in the light and I was only on I still don't like the ass is massive....wish I had enjoyed my body in the light when I was younger...oh well. But things that would have freaked me out even in my 20' not so much...but I will never get into being peed on....or having is for 2 people....I would lose my mind if two penises were trying to poke at me and I really don't want any vagina in my face. If that's your thing...then good for you...I will stick to fingering buttholes, slapping people around and my pierced nipples.... Well it's the weekend....y'all go have a few drinks and jack off or get kinky.....just make sure to tell me all about it! Peace Out!