Wednesday, April 18, 2012
O is for Oh Shit! Mom's have millions of Oh Shit moments...it starts when the plus sign appears on the pregnancy test. Happy or not you know your life is about to change. The next is the first time you hear the heartbeat, you feel a kick and then that first major contraction....when you realize your uterus is about to ripped out and pulled out of your ass....but that quickly fades when your sweet baby's shoulders are trying to squeeze out of your now ruined vagina. After that there are bagillions of amazing moments....and they more then make up for the Oh Shits...but...don't ever be fooled into thinking they don't keep coming. The first god awful poop blowout in the middle of Target...the turd is just ALL over and the next thing you know you have taken up and entire aisle of the baby section....blankets everywhere....piles of the now to be burnt clothes, diapers and wipes....you have used every wipe you brought and every kleenex in you purse so you grab a pack of wipes off the shelf....you notice some asshole is staring at you and gasping in horror....you hear yourself shouting "What? You never shit?!". Total nightmare. You also want to flee but realize you don't want to leave the house for a few days so you continue to shop anyways.
Next major Oh Shit is when the creepy guy tries to watch you breastfeeding while you are at the restaurant and instead of just flipping him off you launch a fork at his head....oops.
Then there is the first time they say a bad word (asshole) and you KNOW it's because they hear you screaming it at other drivers in the mini van.
The Oh Shits keep going....they set fires, break things, start dating etc etc etc.....but there is an invention to help you cope with the Oh Shits....it's called....boxed wine. I DO NOT recommend you drink it while pregnant or breastfeeding.....in fact it' why my last baby was formula fed instead of boob ;)
Good Luck to all you parents out there....we need all the understanding and support we can get. I better go...I need to find the ice packs, wine glasses and my lawyers number....I like to be prepared for whatever upcoming Oh Shit is coming. Peace Out!