Should Have Been A Crazy Cat Lady....

Sunday....a family day....and today was kind of lazy day for me as I was getting over a bad pizza...that's not what I'm here to discuss...it was terrible terrible time....it was worse then finding a dead body in a port-a-potty on a hot summer day...so I'm trying to forget about it....anyways....my wonderful hubby was busy making a kick ass meal in the smoker...my oldest agreed to watch the baby so I decided to take my toddler to lunch for some nice Mommy/Daughter time....in theory it sounded like a great time...however I should have known from the get go that all hell was about to break loose....as we left the house and made our way to the driveway....she tripped over her own feet and fell...not just a fall...a rolling fall....she went head over heals twice and landed all sprawled out with her leg up on the trash can...poor thing...I pick her up, get her dusted off and I set her next to me...I go to open my door so that I can put my purse and phone down...not realizing she had moved and I banged her in the fucking head!!!!!!! She starts bawling and yelling "Mamma why did you do that?! Why did you hurt my head?!"...I felt so awful...I'm a really sucky mom...I hug her and kiss her...get her buckled into her seat and away we go....we get to our fine dining destination of McDonald's...she's stoked...she LOVES fries...I have the worst service ever....but that is a whole other blog....as I am waiting for the happy meal some guy comes up to me and asks if I'm Amanda....I tell him no...he tries to apologize but my lovely daughter takes over and sticks her finger in his face while shouting "YOU GO AWAY! GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!" ...I can't help but laugh a little....so we find ourselves a nice little booth and start eating....we are talking and being silly....till the same man walked by our table to get to the garbage....and my toddler threw her drink at him....yep...before I could even react she grabs her drink, whips it like a varsity softball player and pegs him in the shoulder.....also while yelling "GO AWAY"....I could have crapped my pants....I didn't know what to do..my jaw dropped and I just looked at her.....then quickly started to apologize....but the dude just said it was ok and left looking like he was going to kill himself....taking his lead we packed our shit up and took off as well....I carried her to the car, set her down to open the door and she took off like friggen Flo Jo....down a hill over a curb and into the street...I drop my purse and go after her...catch her by her pigtail and pull her away right before a minivan damn near ran her over.....I'm not pleased...not pleased at all! After the near death experience, a lot of crying and me pissing in my grannies...we go to the store....and at first all is going well....I'm finding all sorts or bargains...she's holding some giant purse that she could literally fit into and we are singing some Lady Gaga (just dance, gonna be ok...doo do doo)....until my sweet little dumpling spots the dressing rooms....once again she's gone....she gets inside one and locks herself in....at first she's laughing with extreme delight....till she can't unlock the god forsaken thing and she starts to panic....now I have to drop my fat ass to the ground and try to crawl underneath....this sucks balls...I weigh 250lbs....do you know how hard it is to squeeze that amount of fat threw a 6 inch opening???!!!! Well...I did succeed...and as the fitting room door opens she tries to take off again....this time I just grab her up and leave...she's screaming about how she want to shop and that she will be good....but I know better....because she's Satan and Satan will tell you anything (oh eat the apple...it's no biggie or mommy I will hold your hand...nothing but total bullshit)....the lucky for me part was that there was a gentlemen leaving at the exact same time with a small child who was also having a level 10 tantrum...he looks at me and says "why do I even try?".........you know misery loves company....but that's when I realized....boarding school is definitely in my daughter's near future....I think I have had enough family time for one day...I need some Tylenol and a glass of wine....and maybe a tazer for the next outing...just to keep my nutjob in check....Yes I am dumb enough to go out again...I really wanted this hot purse I saw at the store....but this time my rabid child will be sporting an adorable pink straight jacket and a bedazzled muzzle....Peace Out!