Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The key to happiness is higher shelving and crap TV
I guess sitting on the couch in the middle of the day....still in my jammies....drinking a beer, eating a cake and watching a soap opera could sorta be viewed by some as a sign of depression....but for me it's not...it's just a really good day. The only thing that could top that is a pound crab legs and a boob job.....I'm really just so easy to please and I don't take many things very seriously...this world is filled with crap and sadness....and I for one just don't like to buy into...too much....I am only here for a short amount of time...I want to enjoy the crap out of it....so if I want boxed wine and Twizzlers for dinner....then by golly (that's right bitches I said by golly) I'm going to have it! I hate when things harsh my mellow....like my first husband...he's such a pisser....and when I run out of toilet paper....that's wicked annoying....oh and tax time.....another just really shitty thing....so why not enjoy as much stuff as I can right? I believe for the most part I try to keep my life as light hearted as possible and I think my toddler has picked up on this philosophy....she's always been referred to as the little nut job....and last night was no exception...there she was in my room watching her favorite show....Hannah Montana....and my hubby realized she was just a bit to quiet....so he goes to check on her....well...I just gotta tell myself it could have been worse....she found a tube of petroleum jelly and completely covered herself in it....we're talking head to toe in Vaseline....she looked like she got off from her shift at the Bunny Ranch for crying out loud....standing there in her Hannah necklace and diaper and totally covered in goo....sigh....at least it wasn't my special tingling KY...that would have pissed me the fuck off....Vaseline is only like a dollar...that crazy lube is almost ten! Yes I'm cheap....besides it was hard enough to catch her and clean her off...being all super slippery would have made it exceptionally difficult....to top off her little Burt Reynolds in Striptease reenactment she decided to poop her pants....which is normal but I had to clean off the Vaseline first so that I could lay her down to change her...and the turd smell was really making my eyes water...when I finally got to change her britches I asked her why she wouldn't use the potty like a big girl... she looked at me and said "the potty is stupid"....sigh.....so I need to find some way to make using the potty cool....I think I will decorate her little pink potty with Hannah stuff and have it dispense Skittles when she's done....maybe I can e-mail Disney and they can have Miley Cyrus do a potty song (good lord how many times am I going to use the word POTTY?)....moms across the world would be so friggen happy if Miss Montana did a bathroom song....it can just be a remake for all I care....like...You get the best of both worlds, drop your pants the floor then you poop in the bowl...something like that.....I know for a fact if that song played my toddler would so be taking a Teen Vogue magazine to the bathroom to drop a deuce....well...better go...I'm making a costume so that I can film my own video to a Lady Gaga song...she's one of my heroes...I need some purple body glitter, peacock feathers and some garden hose...wish me luck...Peace out.