Monday, March 22, 2010

Till Death Or Your Snoring Do Us Part...

Anyone else have odd sleep habits???? I do...some I have had forever and some were developed over time....I have always liked to sleep with my head at the foot of the bed...no idea why but I prefer it....and it never was a problem until I married my first husband...that's when my sleep life went straight to hell in a hand basket. Not only did I realize that my sleeping the wrong direction was probably no longer but to my horror I had to share my sleep space....years and years of spacious mattress bliss now ruined by this asshole wanting to spoon with me....no good....to top it off he kept trying to keep his arm on me...wtf....I don't want your dead weight laying across my abdomen...I can't sleep like this....finally I just told him it made me overheat and to knock it the fuck off....but still another even worse problem came about....the a-hole insisted on facing me....must be some sort of horrible momma's boy syndrome...and when he did....the exhale air from his stupid ugly nose would fucking blow on my face!!!!! Oh my god...this just grossed me out and also kept me awake...it was then that I knew why the couples in TV shows from the 50's slept in separate beds...it was because they were flippen brilliant!!!! The air thing bothered me so much that I started sleeping with the blanket over my head....and I would eventually squirrel my way down to the foot of the bed where I was happy and no longer bothered in the night....needless to say that marriage didn't last long...not just because of that but it was one of his pet peeves with me...that and the fact that I can add....and form opinions of my own.
Anyways a few years go by and I'm back to sleeping by myself....and I loved it...then I met my second husband...and my sleep life came crashing down again....not only did this guy do all the same shit but to top it off he snored...not just a regular snore that you hear for a minuet then you fall asleep....nooooo....it was a snore that was so god damn loud it could crack the semi-gloss on the walls....and of course the taintface never would see a doctor about it and eventually that marriage went down in flames as well....not just because of that but...I won't lie...for me it was a huge issue...I even kicked him out of the bedroom for it...and instead of trying to fix it...well...that's an entirely different blog post....so...there I am...alone again...and thrilled to have my bed back to myself....but alas...I for some reason I just keep finding husbands and soon number three came along....this time I laid it all out on the line...right from the get go...I told him...don't touch me when I sleep...I sleep screwed up and I will not spoon you...and for some reason he stuck around....however he likes to tease me about it and if he were not so awesome in the sex department I would be pissed...but for the most part he's been awesome about my nightly weirdness...and since I finally married someone taller then me the nose air thing is a non issue....and every once in awhile I even keep my head up by his....mostly because sometimes he has this like restless leg thing and he kicks me in the face....asshole...but I'm not perfect either...I so know that I fart like a water buffalo in my sleep....and I still like having the blanket over my face (not after the whole farting thing...I do surface for that)....it's been so long now that I can't stand breathing cold air when I sleep...fricken odd right????....but I have not shoved my hubby out of the sack yet....which is probably why I keep getting knocked up...well...better go...gotta make sure my pillow is just right and that my night light is plugged in...no I'm not scared of the dark...I just always stub my baby toe when I wake up to take a piss in the middle of the night....sweet dreams and Peace out!

1 comment:

  1. OMG now this one I have to say is fucking hilarious. I found myself laughing like an asshole, alone in this retched office. Thanks for the after lunch humor since I know about husband number two. I sleep the same. kudos

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