Thursday, September 29, 2011

New Meaning To American Pickers

So you know that feeling when you're asleep but you sense someone standing next to you?? I had that the other day and I was sure it was a normally I would jump and yell but for some reason I decided to just peek open one eye and get a quick glimpse of the culprit (I figured it was my first husband) but now instead I find my child standing there with her finger in my top it off the finger had a giant booger on it....after my heart slowed down and I realized that I was not getting chopped into pieces I asked her..."um, whatcha doing sweetie??" She replied...."I want a Capri Sun and to show you this huge booger I found in my nose"! I layed there for a second and decided that this is probably not going to be the grossest moment of my day....told her to go wipe her extraordinary booger off of her finger and I would go get her a drink. I head off to the kitchen only to realize no on had let the dogs out so I swing the doors wide open and shove them out....taking a moment to bask in what seems to be a lovely day....but then I notice my annoying neighbor staring at me as she is sweeping her sidewalk for what I bet is the already the 3rd time today....she kind of has a look on her face like...what on earth???...I look down at myself to see that yes....I'm a crazy hot mess...I am wearing my husbands underwear and an old, very holey god I am a vision. I know she must think that I do drugs and since I have had no coffee yet my inner thoughts and what really is going on are not distinguishable and I yell out....I DON'T DO DRUGS! Between being embarrassed about my attire and my new found Turrets Syndrome I quickly turn to go into the house but the god damn screen door decides to slam against my ankle causing me to fall and swear very loudly....something like....slutty ho bag skank...which I realize all mean pretty much the same thing...but it was early...what do you want from me???? So now I'm just laying there on my kitchen floor....trying to gather my composure and all I can do is wonder when was the last time I mopped this area....feeling yucky and sorry for myself I start to sit up and my hubby calls....(yes I almost always have my cell in hand...what if I get a FB notification or something?????) As we talk for a few seconds I decide to redo my ponytail/messy bun thing that I always sport and I find a gummy bear in my mother fucking hair....seriously????? I pull it out and toss it at the garbage can...miss....go figure....then I realize my husband is talking all this moment in time it would be less nasty for him to bang a toothless prostitute lol. We hang up and I close my eyes, take a deep breath and think...If I could just have 5 minuets of peace and a quick shower....I will be ok.....I open my eyes to find my child standing there with her finger in my face saying...."I found another booger mom...where is my Capri Sun?"....and that was just the first 4 minuets of my day. Gotta go....I'm giving a lecture on Digging For Gold Etiquette and then finding some clothes that look a little less meth addict and a bit more...well anything else. Peace Out!

1 comment:

  1. BAhahahaha! Love..IT! The first four minutes of foreshadowing. I have no retort, been there, and yes how the hell do the gummy bears and crap get stuck in the of life's great mysteries.