Dieting....it's something I have tried on and off since my 5th grade year...but it wasn't until my 20s that I had to shop in special sections of the store and not till this last year (in my very early 30s) that I now have to shop at special stores....so after noticing that my very forgiving yoga pants were no longer giving... I decided to try the diet thing again....but this time instead of saying I can't have food I am just going to replace it with healthier options....you see I am an emotional eater....not a stress eater...and emotional one...so every emotion...happy, sad, pissed, horny etc etc etc....that's a lot of cupcakes and brownies....but my number one love is cake!
I have been on this new diet all of one day and I already hate it..get this shit....I found yet another area in the house that needs major fixing and I got all frustrated/upset and wanted nothing more than to face fuck a giant marble cake with buttercream frosting....but no...I grabbed a banana...yea me right? errr....not so much....I peel it..sink to the floor and devour it...and was left feeling like a teenage girl in the back of car who just gave her boyfriend a handjob...23 seconds of whacking and left with nothing but a mess in my hand and my bra still on....it was soooo unsatisfying and lame...Now I'm even more upset...so I took to reading blogs about what to do...and some stupid bitch was all like...instead of eating a whole box of cookies just eat a half of a cookie....really?? A half of a cookie...that's like giving a half of a blow job...it's doesn't get the job done...it just teases the fuck out of you and leaves you ready to die!
Another blog said instead of eating the snack try doing something active in the amount of time it would have taken you to eat the snack....ok...I like it....not a long commitment to exercise...cuz I hate that crap and maybe just maybe it will work....hmmm...not so much...I was watching a show with the kids and that horrible commercial with the abused pets comes on...and they are just looking at you with those big,sad eyes like save me....I get all sad and head to the kitchen...then remembering I was suppose to do something active I panicked and tried to do jumping jacks....well...I flailed like and idiot for half a second and accidentally kicked my dog...which caused her and me to yelp plus the bounce made a frying pan fall off the dish rack and hit me in my ass....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? ......................Once again there I am...on the kitchen floor...frying pan in one hand....banana in the other...crying and wondering if lipo is cheaper in Mexico....Peace Out.