Thursday, November 12, 2009

No Nookie :( I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy...thank god...and I gotta's not all that comforting....people lie...I just saw a magazine cover with that weird looking Kardashian girl saying "I love being pregnant"....she has got to be full of shit....who loves being pregnant???? I can't even get laid....I tried....mostly because it helps induce labor...but my holy cannoli is so friggen swollen from the baby weight that I can't enjoy cunnilingus and when I tried to crawl on top of my hubby so I could at least rub my happy patch on his pleasure pogo I pulled a muscle in my right leg....yelled out in pain and rolled off yelping like a yorkie that just got kicked with stilettos...needless to say the mood was ruined and I cried myself to sleep....such bullshit..
Oh...a note to all you jerkfucks that like to make fun of me...I can't help the fact that I waddle...there are several reasons for that by the way....for hips hurt...alot.....two, it helps keep the pee in....three, I can't fucking see where I am walking so I find the side to side method no more penguin jokes please....I know plenty of people that walk funny and you very rarely see me point it out to their face...why be so effin rude to me?????
Oh my god...ya'll wanna know something odd??? When I poop my belly button pops out...back and forth like one of those squeeze dolls who's eyes jump out when you squish it....and that's the only time it happens..I've tried all sorts of stuff to make it come out...but weird right? It freaked my toddler out...her eyes got all big and she yelled out "yucky mommy button broken" I make sure to keep my belly covered when she's in the bathroom with me...that's never happened with the other pregnancies....but at least my nips don't leak when I sneeze like they did last time....this time around it's only when I lay on them...then I get to peel my t-shirt off of them in the morning...which makes them all look like little spice sounds kinda hot but it's really fact I find it disturbing....almost as disturbing as the new stretch mark I got that goes through my's some sort of tribal eye thing (back from my early 20's when I thought tribal crap was sad...thank the lord Tom is the only one who really sees it) and now it looks like I have Scarface on my belly....wicked hot right?
Well gotta go....I need to go chow down on Prilosec and grape KoolAid....the only things that get me through the night...ah...I miss the days of gin, cigars and great it's ice packs on my back and 25 minuets of adjusting pillows the right way just so I can realize I need to piss for 17th time....I'm about to say screw it and get a catheter...oh hell yea...nothing says sexy like a big bag of pee! Peace out!

1 comment:

  1. I fucking love you more every time I hear one of your rants. This one had me laughing out loud for a long time