Monday, April 30, 2012

Menage A Trois????

Well...since I'm totally behind on the A to Z Challenge....I'm going to have a threesome. I'm going to pop off X, Y & Z all at once. I need to's my first time doing a threesome...I hope my other posts don't get jealous ;) X is for how eXtra eXcited I am to be done with this challenge!! Ok so this is cheating but come on....X is hard! I once said that doing this blog challenge was like having a jealous, broke boyfriend. I still feel this way. It's always's always needing my time and needs me to do it all and I'm left feeling tired and less then stellar about myself. I am not great at blogging because I have to....I am more of an inspired "writer". So now I can say that I did it and be proud....but I can go back to my usual way of doing things! Yippie! Y is for YOU! All the wonderful people that stopped over to read my posts....even the shitty ones! I made some new friends and most of my usual readers stuck by my side. I appreciate all the support and fun comments. Thank YOU! Z is Zoo animal.....I'm sorta giving you a crap ending here. As of late I have turned face painting into my new hobby. It started as a fun thing to do with my little ones and I liked it. I am in no way an artist yet....but I'm having fun. My kiddos are starting to get sick of me practicing on them so yesterday I used my own face.....I don't like trying to paint myself!'s harder then I thought.....anyways here is my purple tiger. Why purple??? Because I didn't have orange and I thought it was more Lady Gaga this way. Thanks for stopping by. It's been real. Peace Out!

Saturday, April 28, 2012


W is for Where's the W post??? Once again the well has run dry and I have nothing....boring....I know. I had thought about tossing out a shit post about why are there hardly any female werewolves...but it's because thinking of a chick as a dog is stupid and so the post would be stupid too. Then I thought about doing one on Weekend....woot woot...everyone party!... But since I'm a mom all my days are the same and I don't really give a shit if it's Tuesday or Saturday. I know there are like a bagillion words that start with W and something should have inspired me...sadly you can't force the magic....unless you're a witch....but I'm more of a bitch go. is what it is. Peace Out.

Thursday, April 26, 2012


V is for Vulgar.....who me? Noooooo! Just because I have typed up several posts about vaginas, balls, poop, boogers, blow jobs etc and they happen to be littered with multiple cuss words... does not mean that I am vulgar. Wait....I just googled it....I guess I am. My aunt told me if I took all the swear words out of my blog that I would be a hit....but then my posts would be like 2 sentences long and way less colorful. My target audience isn't exactly her crowd whatever. You can't please I please myself (see even when I'm not trying I still sound's a gift). I don't exactly know how this sailor like behavior came about.....I was raised by an old lady and sent to private schools and yet here I am throwing out more F bombs then George Carlin and Bob Saget combined. I am in no way saying that I am talented like they are....but I like their style. it or not...this is me. If you don't like it....don't fucking read it. Peace Out!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


U is for Unskinny Bop. You know....the song by Poison. If you don't know....that just proves that I am old. However....I suggest you look it's pretty rad. Yep....I said rad. I have no actual idea what an unskinny bop is....I Googled it and I got several ideas....boinking fat girls, doing sex without a rubber, one night stands, something about a guitarist sleeping with a porn star etc etc but nothing concrete. My take on it is is's just sex without commitment of a relationship.... because one of the lines in the song is, You're saying my love won't do ya but that ain't love written on your face. So obviously it's not the school girl crush's the I'm going to screw your brains out look. If you are not familiar with that face go look up any episode of, Rock Of Love, the reality show with, Bret Michaels, the singer from Poison. It's basically several sluts in a house all trying sleep their way into Bret's wallet. They are all very good at the fuck me face. I have gotten way off track here....I just wanted to raise a glass to a wonderful song. So....cheers!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Twist Of Lime

T is for in Gin and Tonic. Now I know y'all have heard me talk about my undying love for boxed wine.....and I'd never kick a cold beer out of bed either but as far as cocktails go....gin and tonics are my thing. It all started several years ago when I had to take a work trip to Reno (woot woot) Aunt met me out there and we had THE BEST time. Lots of gambling, sight seeing, food.....and that's when she introduced me to gin and tonics. There we would sit...playing video poker, smoking cigarettes and sipping our cocktails in some dark bar of a casino. of my favorite memories of all time. So now every time I slurp down a G&T the nostalgia comes back and makes my drink just that much better. What's your fav drink????

Monday, April 23, 2012


S is for Son Of A Bitch. I got cut off today by one....he almost killed me. I didn't handle it very well. I did the usual routine and started cussing followed by lots of middle finger flailing. Normally I would finish my temper tantrum with the throwing of something or horn honking but this particular son of a bitch was in a work truck.....for a company that I despise so something in me just snapped. I quickly calmed down and just started to follow him. It took that stupid ass a few blocks to figure it out then he just started driving randomly all over the place...then he started to drive slow thinking it would piss me off. I just kept calm and continued to follow him. His next brilliant idea was to drive in circles around a KMart Parking I did too. Finally he came to a stop....I did too... behind him but off too the side so I could see him. Ironically the song Blaze Of Glory was playing on the radio...He stuck his head out of the window and yelled "What's your fucking problem Bitch?!".....I just sat there. He got out of his truck....I reved my engine (as much as my stupid mom mobile could do) and he started to run!!!! I lost it....I just laughed and laughed and laughed....I may have shouted something at him like....Run you big pussy run...not sure. I felt better so I went home. I don't really know what I would have done if he didn't take off.....I know I was stupid for doing it....but for a brief moment I felt vindicated and it was badass! I also know why I don't carry a gun....hahahahahaha....jk....that son of a bitch wasn't worth a bullet. Peace out!

Saturday, April 21, 2012


R is for Rhubarb. My husband brought me home a rhubarb plant starter kit and I couldn't be more excited. Last year I was desperate for some and it was hard to locate....I got some from the farmer's market but they were very proud of their product and it was spendy....but delicious none the less. I really wanted a plant of my own...couldn't locate when the hubs brought it home I was delighted. Rhubarb brings me back to my would grow wild around my neighborhood and my grandmother would send me out to collect some and then make the most amazing bars with it.'s nowhere to be found...I can't wait for my kids to be able to pick it and help me my husband bake (I start fires in the kitchen....we just don't get along). So...wish me luck that my plants survive so that new memories can be made ( and yummy goodies too)! Peace Out!

Thursday, April 19, 2012


Q is Quiche. Quiche is NOT something I will eat....ever....even if it meant I would die if I didn't have a bite. Quiche....lord even the name sounds yucky. I have sampled it on a few occasions and every time I wanted to scrub my mouth out with tennis shoe. This is one of those foods invented by the devil lutefisk, haggis and black jelly beans. I'm not sure what it is about it that is so wretched.....I like all of the ingredients on their own but mixed up in that pie/tart thing just makes me cringe. I would say that my disdain for quiche is weird but....I also won't eat fruit that is cut into squares and I put peanut butter on my turkey sandwiches's actually just me that is weird. (Shocker)

Do you have any weird food phobias???

Pretty Plumage

P is for Peacock. I have a small love affair with peacock feathers, patterns, pictures etc. I am not really sure when it started but I find it...majestic. I personally have not started any kind of collection but that is because I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop....It will break me. We were at the renaissance festival last summer and I found a full length coat made entirely of peacock feathers....for at least 8 days I was trying to figure out how to not only pay for the $7,000.00 coat but I was totally justifying it in my head. Luckily I got distracted by the bill for my daughters private school.

So....yea....I know it is only a matter of time before I start crafting and sewing however I am trying to hold off as long as I possibly can. I hardly made it out of the ladybug collecting alive and that was something I thought was cute....imagine how bad it will be with something I think I am in love with...sigh.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


O is for Oh Shit! Mom's have millions of Oh Shit starts when the plus sign appears on the pregnancy test. Happy or not you know your life is about to change. The next is the first time you hear the heartbeat, you feel a kick and then that first major contraction....when you realize your uterus is about to ripped out and pulled out of your ass....but that quickly fades when your sweet baby's shoulders are trying to squeeze out of your now ruined vagina. After that there are bagillions of amazing moments....and they more then make up for the Oh Shits...but...don't ever be fooled into thinking they don't keep coming. The first god awful poop blowout in the middle of Target...the turd is just ALL over and the next thing you know you have taken up and entire aisle of the baby section....blankets everywhere....piles of the now to be burnt clothes, diapers and have used every wipe you brought and every kleenex in you purse so you grab a pack of wipes off the notice some asshole is staring at you and gasping in hear yourself shouting "What? You never shit?!". Total nightmare. You also want to flee but realize you don't want to leave the house for a few days so you continue to shop anyways.

Next major Oh Shit is when the creepy guy tries to watch you breastfeeding while you are at the restaurant and instead of just flipping him off you launch a fork at his head....oops.

Then there is the first time they say a bad word (asshole) and you KNOW it's because they hear you screaming it at other drivers in the mini van.

The Oh Shits keep going....they set fires, break things, start dating etc etc etc.....but there is an invention to help you cope with the Oh's called....boxed wine. I DO NOT recommend you drink it while pregnant or fact it' why my last baby was formula fed instead of boob ;)

Good Luck to all you parents out there....we need all the understanding and support we can get. I better go...I need to find the ice packs, wine glasses and my lawyers number....I like to be prepared for whatever upcoming Oh Shit is coming. Peace Out!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


N is No Show....I just couldn't get conjure up a decent N theme. I guess my creative juices are depleting. No good. Sorry for the disappointing post.

Sunday, April 15, 2012


M is for Mystery. I just finished a book...obviously a mystery. Before I Go To S.J. Watson. I normally do not do book reviews because...I normally do not make time to read. However this one was highly recommended so I said what the heck. On a scale of 1 to 5....1 being absolute shit and 5 being amazing I give this a 3.5. 98 percent of this book was soooooooo great....I couldn't put it down. I was however not so pleased with the last few pages. It didn't end with the same pizazz as the rest of the book. I had questions that were not answered etc etc....BUT I also am giving the author some leeway since it's his first novel. I totally recommend it as a read and I hope Watson will pen another book.

Friday, April 13, 2012


L is for Lust. One of the seven deadly sins....and probably one of the most fun. Who doesn't want to be doesn't wanted to be desired???? Granted....if it's from creepo in the 3rd cubicle it might be a little scary... but tell me your downstairs doesn't get all hot and bothered when you know that someone has been picturing you during morning masturbation? Hopefully it's your spouse or significant other but hey....some folks can't be picky.

I totally understand strippers and porn's gotta be a total high knowing that people think about you while they bang their frumpy, less then fun wives it must make you want to bring your A game when you do hit the sheets with want to live up to the hype. You can't just go through the's gotta be the whole deal...the scent, the sweat the ravaging that all leads to the mind blowing almost out of body explosion of pleasure that now all other sexual experiences will be compared to and can only be described as a scene from movie. All of that can be accomplished but you need to have confidence.....the sexiest thing a person can have is confidence. Easier said then done??? is....take baby steps...get a new outfit, read something, take a class...anything to make you feel better about you...the next thing you know other people will want to feel you too ;) Peace Out!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Kinky & Delicious

K is for Kumquat. A kum what?? A's a small fruit that grows on a darling little tree. I didn't know that....but when I moved to FL I had one of these darling trees in my front yard and had no clue what it was. I finally asked the neighborhood know it alls what it was. Not only did they tell me it was a kumquat tree but also when it was planted and to watch out because the old man next store wakes up early to come and steal the fruit (he also stole my grapefruit too...till I put a fence up).

So later that day when my then husband came home I told home that we were the proud owners of a kumquat tree...he started laughing....I'm asked what was so funny....he said "I always thought a kumquat was a bad name you called a slutty girl". I told him he was thinking of twat...but now I tend to say's funny as hell.

I have heard girly bits referred to as fruit names before....peach, star fruit, ugly fruit and we can just add kumquat to the list. I gotta say...I don't get the kiwi's not sexy at all. If my lady parts were green and littered with seeds I would so be at the vagina doctor....just saying.

Well better go....I gotta make a fruit salad for a bbq tomorrow and now I have to find some fruits that don't make me think of a hoo haw....Peace Out!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Just Dance....

J is for Jazz Hands. Am I the only middle aged momma who dances in her mini van? I don't see other people rolling their windows down and jamming to Maroon 5 as hard as I do. Granted while driving I only sing but if I'm at a stoplight....I'm gonna bring it. I am pretty sure it's just cuz I'm a bad mother fucker and everyone else wants to be me....but I have been told by a few family members that I am just off my rocker. They can suck it...I have fun...and since I spend by day filling sippy cups and trying to keep crayon off the walls (which BTW is a futile task) the only time I get to bust a move is in my vehicle. I certainly am to old for early 20ish people in bars annoy the hell out of me...too many OMGs and STDs roaming around. Yuck.

So....until my days in an old folks home where we can do the hokey pokey at noon right before bingo....I guess I will keep raising the roof in my mom mobile. And...until the other drivers learn how to merge correctly...I will not be keeping my spirit finger to myself ;) Well..gotta go...I need to run to Target for some PullUps...time to release my inner Lady Gaga. Peace Out!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

There Is No I In Team...

I is for Inbred. I got the opportunity to go to my first MLB game yesterday....and as I was sipping my overpriced beers and eating some bomb diggity mini donuts I noticed that the hoards of people walking along all looked related. I couldn't tell one from the other....everyone had the same hair, build and glasses etc. Heck I could hardly tell the men form the chicks....well...there were a few stand out hooker looking women...but...I'm fairly certain the entire state is inbred. It was like being in private school all over again...everyone was related somehow and I just didn't fit in. At least at the game....I could legally drink booze.

I am not a big baseball fan...I'm more of a football girl so I had a hard time figuring out what was going on....after loads of stupid questions I was able to enjoy it more but I still don't understand why it takes so long....they wait more then they play...and why are there no cheerleaders???? and why don't they make the ball easier to see??? It should be hot pink or something. And what's with the dorky team names???? Who is intimidated by a Sock, Angel or Cardinal....sports are about beating the shit out of the other team and you wanna come at em with a Bluebird on your shirt??? Are you fucking kidding me?? Well...what do I know....I didn't even know there wasn't a half time. Baseball is not the suckiest sport to watch but it's one of the's right up there with golf....another sport that needs some slutty cheerleaders..Can I get an AMEN?!

Will I attend another MLB game? heart belongs to college football...(Go Gators) but thousands of married cousins can't all be wrong....maybe I will catch another afternoon at the park field thingy. Peace Out!

Oh...wait...speaking of cat is inbred...look!

Habitually Late

H is for Hide & Go Seek....I'm pretty sure that is why my H post is was hiding. OR it could be for Home Opener....I was at the baseball game and forgot to post it. You pick. Either way....sorry...I will try to rock the I post...but no promises. Peace Out.

Sunday, April 8, 2012


G is for Gird Your Loins. One of my fav movie quotes from, The Devil Wears Prada. I say it often...along with several others. I love movie quotes....I use them all the time. I cannot drive near a K mart without my Rain Man impression spilling out of my mouth. I can't go to an ATM without yelling, Show Me The Money! And of course....I ask my husband, Why Do You Make Me Be Mean To You?....from Sweet Home Alabama. I seriously could go on and on with movie lines....but I am tired and need to go hide Easter eggs. Do you have any favorite movie quotes???? Please share. Peace Out!

Friday, April 6, 2012


F if for...fuck it. Sorry...I had something all set up about flop flips but my friends came over and I got a little loaded and I now I have nothing. I will wake up tomorrow and not be ashamed. I do love me some floppy flips but I love me some Franzia too and it was just one of those rare nights when the kids went to bed on time so...yep....I had a great evening. F it! TGIF bitches. Peace Out.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Not Your Granny's Panties....

E is for Edible Underwear. read that right....panties you can eat. Am I the only one who thinks these are stupid????? Only two types of women buy these things....skanks and married women in need of something other then the same old routine. I'm not even going to touch the skanks ( and you shouldn't might catch something)....I'm just going to ask the married women WTF are you thinking? I understand the way to man's heart is through his stomach but if you want Big Daddy to go downtown for dinner....don't fill him up with the Fruit RollUp you just slapped on your vagina! It will end up just turning into something silly and there goes the soap opera sex you were hoping for. I know they have the ones made out of hard the necklaces....but do you really want to chance him taking a bite of your banana split???? OUCH! Plus that's a candy I remember eating as a child so it just seems creepy.

If you really want some skin-e-max type action....then YOU need to take it....and if he doesn't want to play....get a divorce. Peace Out!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012 know I know it...hmmm

D is Dementia. I had this whole little silly story about how I was sure I had dementia. You know the whole...I can never find my keys, I can't ever remember why I walked into a room and then blame it on the kids....yadda yadda yadda.

BUT....last night I was talking to my Aunt on the phone and I was telling her all about the A to Z Blog Challenge that I was doing and when I went to tell her what I was planning for the letter D...I blanked! I started to snicker and had to explain that my D theme had to do with not being able to remember stuff....of coarse we started laughing hysterically....and I just kept rambling on about how I had written down etc....more laughter...after several minuets it finally hit me and I screamed out DEMENTIA that's it! We continued to giggle and she teased me about how it only gets worse as you get older.

So...I can't blame that little piece of irony on the kids....maybe the boxed wine....but I only had a snort so...I guess I'm just losing my shit. Oh well....soon I won't even know it. I hope I end up in good assisted living facility....the one my great aunt was in kept calling us to tell us she escaped! WTF???? I can see it now...I will be out and about in the middle of town with nothing but a bedazzled house coat on asking people if they know who I am and if they have any wine. Wish me luck on the wine! Peace Out!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

C Is For Cat Lady

C is for Cat Lady. No...I am not one...yet. Only for two reasons.....I keep getting married and I still have kids in the house. Once the children are gone and yet another husband or two have tired of me I will be all alone in some one bedroom rental somewhere with 19 cats. I guess I have three reasons....reason number three is I am super selfish...true cat ladies put the cats first...they will go with out necessities and food for themselves so that their "babies" can eat. I personally am at a stage in my life where I still enjoy things toothpaste, dish soap, chicken wings, smart phones, getting my hair done and Netflix...some day that will all seem unimportant and my world will consist of cats and vodka. I would say boxed wine but I may need something with a little more kick in it to deal with urine smell and the fact that my children will never visit me.

To be honest....I am sort of looking forward to it....just me and cats chillen and having happy hour whenever we want! Well, better go.....WalMart has a sale on cat litter.....better start stocking up! Peace out!

Monday, April 2, 2012

B Is For Boxed Wine

B is for Boxed Wine. Yep...I'm a fan. I know plenty of people who won't touch the stuff but if it was so friggen awful, it wouldn't exist. I always have a box (or two) in the fridge...right next to the juice boxes. Which reminds me..the Franzia company hasn't returned my e-mail where I suggested they have a spot on the top of the box for a large straw. How rude.

I started drinking boxed wine when my recycling bin got a little to heavy for me to drag out...actually that's a big fat lie....I started drinking it because I'm cheap. I very rarely pay more than $4.00 a bottle for wine...unless I'm really craving ChocoVine (yummy)....but it was a pain in the ass to load all the those bottles in the my hubby took a look at the boxed wine and suggested that I try I did and I have been happily sucking it down ever since.

I personally think the whole idea of having wine in box is a fantastic can't knock it over and spill it. I have yet to hear of it being used as a weapon....but I have seen someone take a bottle to someones head...ouch. Oh and when it's empty you can hide treats in it so the rest of the family doesn't eat them....hahahahaha!

I may not be able to get all my friends to jump on the boxed wine bandwagon....but I don't give a rat's ass....that's just more for Momma. Peace Out.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

A Is For Abracadabra

A is for Abracadabra.....want to know why? Because it's going to take some major magic to get me to the end of this A To Z Challenge. I seriously have no idea why I am doing this....I have horrible writing skills, I'm unorganized, I'm a super duper procrastinator so signing up for this was straight stupid on my behalf. It was a total moment of weakness....between the peer pressure of some fellow bloggers (you know who you are) and some boxed wine I decided to try it.

I've already checked out some of the other challengers...and their shit is legit. I'm screwed! In honor of my inevitable crash and burn I'm gonna raise my plastic, polka dot goblet filled with cheap zinfandel and try to blow this hot mess I've gotten myself into out of the water....tired mom style!

So, buckle up and let's see where this crazy magic carpet ride takes us. Hmmmm...I guess they probably don't have seat belts on a magic carpets...perhaps wear protective gear like shin guards and helmets. Peace Out!