Warning....This Is About Sex Organs!

So...the other day I was going threw this sex toy catalouge....I was doing research...(LOL...take that how you want to) and I came across this adorable battery operated vagina. It was a really pretty shade of pink and almost looked like a flower....I said to my husband...Babe look at this adorable fake vagina...he glances over and says...Oh yea...that's what yours looks like...then he continues with whatever he was doing. I just sat there with that....hubby say what...look...you know, one eyebrow cocked and mouth half open....thinking he's smoking crack. Here's the deal--- I have given birth to two children...after the first one I had approx. 30 stitches...and the second one needed help getting out so my lovely doc went in elbow deep to pull her out...you just can't come back from that!!!! I do my own gardening...and trust me my whoo haa looks nothing like a pretty pink orchid...it looks more like a chipmunk that got run over. The only beautiful thing about it... is that it still works. Think about it...if that kind of trauma happened to your ear...it wouldn't friggen work anymore...the doctors would fill it with spackle (or whatever doctors use) and tell you to wear your hair long.....but when your juice box get's damaged they tell you to do some kegels and your all better....and it's true....tight as spandex on a drag queen once again...just not as attractive. But you know what rocks??? My hubby still loves my girly bits and can't get enough of it! I thank the inventor of the light switch....what you can't see won't scare the crap out of you. LOL Have a great day.

Read If You Can't Get Any!

(huff)....I am so over hearing from my single girlfriends about how they can't get laid.....shut up...if you have a vagina....you can get sex. The problem with these chicks is they really want more than a shag...or...they are to picky about who they want to roll around with. If you honestly just need to get down and boogie then I tell you my friends it's possible....but stop being a retard....Don't expect the sexiest man alive to be out and about on the exact same night you feel like dropping your panties. Don't expect this guy to be single. Don't talk to much....stupid stupid stupid....all they want is enough chit chat to make sure you are on the same page...page 69 they don't care why you are out or how your cat is...or even your last name...and for the love of flavored condoms do not talk about your ex! Now...to catch a one night bed buddy...dress the part.....no super vampy outfit...they will assume you are out of the question....however...not to casual either....nice jeans and cute top....shoes...well roll with whatever you want just nothing to masculine....it freaks them out. DON'T BE FRUMPY.....no one wants to bang the frump girl....yuck.
Now that you have picked out a guy to get crazy with....here are some rules....never go to your place....you don't want them knowing where you live or worse....wanting to use your shower in the morning...gross. When you walk in the door....stop speaking all together.....you might bore them to death and they will fall asleep...most likely he's had a few drinks....so stop drinking too or you will have to deal with whiskey dick....no fun. DO NOT give him a blow job.....if he blows his load there is no need for him to try and please you....so just knock him down and hop on. Do not look around his place and try to figure out what kind of guy he is...that is not why you are there....get yours and go! Don't have any after talk other than “call me a cab” and “I know I was awesome...shut up”.
Most of you ladies out there lie....the I just want sex line is bull...you want a man...and you try to turn a one nighter into a relationship and then get your feelings hurt....make sure you are ready for a relationship....meaning the thought of your exes don't send you into panic attacks or tears....you are not still married...and you are comfortable with yourself alone until you find the right guy.
I know....I have been in your shoes before...more than once...so learn from my mistakes. There is no Mr. Perfect....just Mr. Perfect For You. Your ideas of what you want are probly not what you need so do some thinking.....and while you are at it...look in the mirror.....are you really girlfriend material???? Last but not least stop asking me what is wrong with you....because from now on...I am going to tell you. Have a great day....be safe and text me all the details of your scandalous adventures the next morning.....

Vagina On The Rocks

I think it's funny when people don't like to use certain words....Like VAGINA....it cracks me up that they are so uncomfortable with it. Don't get me wrong I like nick names too...whoo hah, clam and furry burger are all great but sometimes they just don't have the same feel as VAGINA. Let's face it a vagina is something everyone likes....I like mine.....I like having it I like using it and it gives me a feeling of power (however wrong that may be lol). My husband likes my vagina even more than I do!!!!! So unless you are a gay man everyone else loves vaginas too....so why are so many people weird about it? I think vagina should be a paint color....your husband asks you what color he should paint the kid's playhouse....Oh I don't know, vagina pink would be nice. Or what color do you want your engagement cake to be....a lovely shade of vagina would soooo go with all the centerpieces!
Vagina should also be the name of a popular adult beverage......(ok here is where you find out why I need a job, I think of weird stuff all the time)....here is the scenario for the drink:

A lonely pilot (I had to use a pilot so my buddy would appreciate this story) just got home from a long flight on a Friday night....he's walking around town trying to not go home to his boring empty apartment....he passes a bar he realizes he's never been in so he takes a peek in threw the window...It's charming and quiet...wood floors, old fashioned bar, a few dart boards and the hottest bartender he's ever seen. He takes a deep breath and goes inside...there's a few guys at the bar but a nice open spot at the end....he walks up and takes a look at her....he can hardly contain his erection...she's about 5"7 long gorgeous hair, lush full lips, huge amazing boobs and those sexy smokey fuck me eyes....she sees him and smiles, he tries not to look like an asshole so he nods....she walks over and asks him what he wants and then winks at him...he orders a sweet wet vagina....she bites her lip and proceeds to mix his drink...she asks him...do you want to put anything into it?...he says oh yes..so she drops in two maraschino cherries and smiles....then she leans her breasts into the bar and slowly starts to push the vagina towards him and says....that's $35.00....the pilot all of sudden jumps back and yells $35.00!!!! I can make one at home for free!!! The bartender yells back....this is top shelf motherfucker! Go ahead home and enjoy your cheap shit alone! He then realizes she's right....enjoying a self made vagina by yourself is not the same as going out and getting a good one from a pro...he drops to his knees and begs....I'm sorry...I was stupid I really want your vagina! She tells him to go and stop wasting her time. He leaves...he looks back in the window and sees another man licking the sweet sugar off the rim of what was suppose to be his perfect vagina...he walks home almost in tears down the cold dark road and realizes.....a good vagina is priceless.

See...told ya I need a job...lol Don't forget to tip your waitresses!

We've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All!

I don't know how to lightly approach this subject so I guess I will just dive right on in...there is no secret that I have been married 3 times....I have a few kids...watched a few pornos and have HBO....I have seen a few sets of balls in my time. Let me tell you a big giant sack is worth looking for....and very hard to find...my current hubby (that sounds awful) has a damn set of catchers mitts between his legs....just the most giant testicles I have ever friggen seen....and at first they freaked me the fuck out....just from pure shock....now that I have had some one on one time with them...they are the best thing ever....I just love them! Giant balls have some really nice advantages too.... it's kinda like upgrades for a car....a basic model works just fine but if you can get a few extras...you enjoy it more...so...first on the list is...massive cojones are more durable...yep they can take much more aggression...so a little too much tooth or a squeeze that is too tight a pull that's a bit rough here and there does end a good spanking session. Second...when your man is in....uh...full swing....so are his jolly knockers...I like to call it the pleasure pat....it's most effective during doggie style however a little ass pat during missionary is nice too....mmmmmmm mommy like. Third...well let's face it...bragging rights....now I know there are still a few classy girls left out there that do not discuss such matters...however...ya'll are few and far between and the rest of us discuss our mans junk and his ability to use it....and if we are really good friends we don't lie about it either. Nothing is better than being able to smile proudly and say my husband has some huge ass jungle berries and fat dick to go with them....own up to it ladies...we all want to be tore up and pleasured till we pass out and not all men can do that....and a man with a large gift bag has a major advantage....plus it's straight up cool when your guy is sitting there with a giant bulge in his pants and all the other chicks see that it's just dying to sprawl out and be let loose from it's confines of jeans and jockey shorts.... and in our head we are all like ha ha bitches...that's what I'm playing with tonight!!!!! As nice women we all like to make up for what our guys lack with little sayings like....he can go forever or....his hands are like magic....that all means he has a smaller set of frank and beans that we would have liked and he has no idea how to use them...it's sorta tragic how we feel that we need to say such things...and it's stressful trying to think of them. SO.....all in all if you are a single gal on the prowl for a man...make sure his steak and eggs are enough to satisfy your sexual appetite or you will be tempted to check out a different menu....and no love is not enough.....love is a very very large part of what makes a relationship tick...however...if his skills in the bedroom suck and you find yourself telling your mate to go drinking with his buddies so you can stay home with a bottle of wine and a vibrator....that love will turn to annoyance and you will be apartment searching within the year. Here are some tips to help with the choosing of a partner....If he has small soft hands...chances are he has a small soft dick...run away. If he is not really into giving oral pleasures....it means he has already found out that he is bad at it....run away. If he cannot refer to his penis as a cock, dick or shaft.....and uses words like ding dong or thingy....he has no idea how to use his unmentioned penis and never will....run away. If he pulls down his pants and you don't immediately think DAMN....you never will and will soon find Chinese food and cake batter more satisfying....run away. I know we would all like to think we are nice girls and it's not all about size....but it is.... face it we don't want to feel like we are giving head to a toothpick or getting banged by a thermometer.....and if a guy has no idea how to please a lady by the time he's 20...it will never ever happen....you can't teach an old dog new tricks....especially one with a skinny willy and chili beans for nuts.
Oh...and we as women need to stop lying to men and telling them they have big turbo diesels in their pants when they don't....because then they get all cocky (ha ha get it) and want to use it all the time...then we gotta fake orgasms and pretend we have headaches etc....it's just more trouble than it's worth...if the asshole asks what you think of his tennis equipment he's trying to sell you just tell him that you need to test it out before you can purchase the product....if after a few games you are not impressed....tell him to find a chick that's 4'9 and pack it up ...life goes on.
Peace out my friends...I hope tonight you get ravaged till you are unable to walk....and if you don't I hope you have a chocolate cake in the fridge....

My Advice To The Middle Aged Women Who Date....

Ladies....if I can even call you that....dating for dinner is no longer acceptable...maybe back in the 40's but not today....you can not as a single woman go out to eat with a single man and have nice conversation and some drinks and then just say peace out. It no longer works like that. Old friends are a maybe but not with new people or ex lovers.....now I'm not saying it's right that they expect a BJ or handjob for some wings and a margarita but a little heavy petting is implied especially if you are the one initiating the dinner. This day and age everyone is so sexed up that dinner is code for fellatio so if you are not prepared to ruin the knees of your new skinny jeans then stay the fuck home and watch The Notebook and order a pizza. You also can not ask a guy over to watch movies and not round 3rd base....and don't be a fridged bitch and say ahead of time something like....just so you know nothing is going to happen tonight....what are they gonna say....well piss on you I'm not coming over unless I get some nipple in my mouth. If you need company call a girlfriend to come over...if you need a boyfriend then throw go find one....don't use some poor schmuck to keep you occupied.....I'm sorry you are one kitten away from being the neighborhood cat lady but....it's pretty much like being a tease....and we all know how I feel about that....put out or stay home. This isn't high school....the days of being home by 10 and untouched are over. I'm not a fan of sluts but they don't screw with peoples minds.....they just screw.

STOP FINDING DATES ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!! If you sit home at night scouring Friend Finder, MySpace and Craigslist for a date....you are a loser....and will most likely end up raped, mugged or dead. If you can not saunter up to a guy and say hello...then how are able to give them your name and meet them for "dinner".....don't give me the bullshit about getting to know them...you can do that in person....when you meet them after you have said hello. Get off of your couch, put your vibe away and go meet people. I know sometimes it's hard and you have hit a rough spot in life and you don't feel like you have the magic anymore.....get over it....finding a loser that lives above his aunt's garage and looks for sex on the internet is really not a step in the right direction....put your spanx and heels on and go hunting....there are a million places to find men....I suggest Home Depot at around 8pm....that means they have a job...otherwise they would be there during the day and it means they have drive.....both very good things....but be careful if he's in the garden section....that might mean gay....look to see if he does the hand on the hip thing.....
Well....better go....I need to update the security settings on my FB....some old serial killer looking assfuck just sent me a friend request...Peace out!

Jekyll & Hubby

Question. ...do you have an alter ego in the bedroom? I don't.....unless I've had some tequila...but that can go from superfreak to puking in the bathtub real quick so it's not worth working with....however my hubby has one....he's like the Hulk....if I get him all reved up it's like he disappears....and this other more aggressive, testosterone filled, adrenaline fueled caveman appears....I have named him Tim.....why Tim...that's an entirely different post.....but Tim does not do gentle or romance....Tim does the yank your hair, throw you around and bang you till your ovaries come out of your mouth kind of stuff. I'm not complaining ....it's really delicious stuff....however...I'm not always aware that Tim is in the room and I get caught off guard....its important that I take safety precautions if he's there...the other night Tim woke me up for some organ grinding and decided to flip me over....well me not realizing this was about to happen I didn't brace myself and I almost broke my knee.....it twisted the wrong way and I didn't stick the landing.....I yelped out in pain like a chihuahua but Tim didn't even notice...he just kept on busying himself....no worries I'm ok....just had to ice it for a few days.....and the end result of it all was more then delightful....
I remember the first time I met Tim....he scared the hell out of me....there's a look in the eye....and a bit of a growl....I felt like a rabbit that just realized it was being hunted....I almost ran away...in fact I started to scoot across the bed wondering what was going on.....and quickly realized it was over he was up in my...uh....face.....before I could even think of what to do.....it was that night I learned the difference between getting some and getting ravaged.....and Momma liked it. The only slight down side is that I bruise easily...so it's not hard to tell when I have been bounced around a few times.....well and one time I pulled a muscle.....and that time I jammed my toe....but those are small prices to pay to the sex gods for lusty carnal love. I don't know exactly what unleashes the inner beast but I'm glad I can do it.....my front door is not so happy with it....it creeks a little now....but hey with an ass like mine it's lucky that it's still in tact. Well better go....I need to restock my night table...gotta have plenty of water, a fresh towel and an two ice packs...one for whatever limb I damaged and one for my freshly buttered muffin. Peace out!

Pick Pocketbook

Well....I'm pretty sure I win the awesome mom of the year award again....why you ask...well....my toddler is a criminal. Let me give you a little back story...I love to shop....I love to shop a lot...I have a problem...but I'm pretty broke most of the time so I started what I call treasure hunting....which means scouring thrift stores, garage sales and Craigslist....I buy all sorts of crap that I either turn into something else or I stock pile tons of crap just knowing one day my friend will need to buy a vintage silver purse and TA DA!!!! I just happen to have one....told you I was off....anyways....somehow in all of this I got my toddler addicted to purses and wallets and almost everytime we enter any store she picks out a purse and a wallet to carry around and if they are cheap enough she gets one....well one day I went to this shopping plaza a few cities away and was super stoked because it had a thrift shop and a Goodwill...fucking sweet!!!!! I get the double stroller out....get the kids all situated and make my way into the thrift shop....but like the second I enter the store everything goes friggen haywire....it's filled with old ladies....we all know I hate old people...the place is really tiny cuz it's under construction so pushing my stretch limo of a stroller is next to impossible and the baby decided to shit her pants....my hubby who is me with finds the bathroom to change her but there is no changing table so he has to lay her on the floor on top of like a million paper towels and then proceeds to change my loudly screaming infant.....did I mention it's like 276 degrees???? The old ladies actually start pounding on the bathroom door asking if the baby is ok....like he's in there beating her and then going to tell them...No...She's bleeding to death please come back in an hour...stupid old bats.....as I'm trying to maneuver the stroller around so I can just fucking leave I knock over a basket of silverware....nice ....so we just say screw it and leave.
Assuming we will have a better time at the Goodwill we go there....yay...nice big aisles.....the air is on and there are fewer nearly dead people shuffling around.....as I start to look at stuff I realize my toddler has not started screaming for a purse so I look down to find her playing with a hot pink wallet....she catches my eye...holds up the wallet and yells "Momma look at my wallet!"....and it hits me....she shoplifted it from the thrift store....and I didn't even fucking notice!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god...I'm going to hell....not knowing what to do I grabbed it from her and shoved it in my purse....which caused her to start yelling for purses.....sigh.
Now this is not her first time getting a five finger discount....when she was like 10 months old she stole a tape measure from a certain store that sells lumber and tools etc....we found it in her fluffy seat cover thing after we were in the car.....so...I'm pretty sure she's a career criminal. I really hope my oldest daughter marries a lawyer (because she plans on being a plastic surgeon so she will be to busy to become one herself) my toddler will most likely need the services of an experienced attorney....
Oh bye the way I went back to the thrift store...by myself...and stuck money into the donation jar....the wallet was too cute to return...they made like a 50 percent profit on it...so I don't feel too horrible :) Well...better go....gotta hit the Salvation Army....there's a sale on green tag items! No worries...."Winona" will be home with her big sissy....Peace out.