For Better Or Worse...Way Worse

Ugh... so I was reading some article about getting married and the top reasons people want to be hitched. It was all mushy, dumb stuff....like being with someone who holds their soul and feeling true love every moment of every day blah blah blah.....do you want to know REAL reasons why being married is awesome? I got 5.....here we go:
#1 Comfort....I no longer have to wear things that cut off circulation, pinch or cause my bones to bruise .....I can wear my torn jeans and old sweats.....oh and the bra that makes the girls look amazing but cracks my ribs is now reserved for when I want something expensive. Oh and shaving...my legs can look like an alpaca and he's still willing to spoon with me.
#2 Honesty....I don't have to pretend all the jokes are funny or that all his family is wonderful....now I can be like...Hey your bitch sister isn't coming for Christmas! It's so much easier to be a loving wife when I don't waste energy being nice to the in-laws.
#3 Eating....ok this is not really an issue for me after the first date....if I can't eat chicken wings and drink several beers in front of someone then they just can't be in my life....but I know lots of dumb bitches that refuse to eat messy foods in front of men....wtf you can wrap your mouth around his dick but you won't eat some chili dogs....get some therapy!
#4 Health....I can fart....
And the fifth reason why being hitched is better than dating is.....Sex....no not because it gets better after marriage...but because I no longer have to bring my A game to every match....I can be lazy or I can leave a few tricks in the bag.....let's face it after a long day and a big meal we don't always want to be a full on porn star....sometimes it's just a get on, get off, get some sleep sort of night......which by the way just makes the nights when you do go all the way to Freaky Town that much sweeter.
So....now that you know some real...day to day reasons why being married is great...the one question you need to ask yourself is.....will you be able to ask for toilet paper while dropping a deuce....I know have no problem..I leave the door wide open and yell....Help or I'm using your socks! It may not be romantic but he still wants to shag me later so I know it's love. Peace out!

I See London.....

You know how life sometimes gets away from you? Like one week everything is fine and you have your routine down but then out of the blue a kid is sick and a car is broke down and the next thing you know everything else is out of control? Well this happens to me all the time....I feel the more children, pets and vehicles you have the chances of your living a smooth life are greatly diminished. My life is almost always one big hot mess....however I am usually pretty good at treading water but not so long ago I had a little bit of a wake up call...and I was told loud and clear to never let the laundry be last on you list. Yea....it had gotten so bad that I was pretty much out of underpants and I was forced to dig to the back corner of my unmentionables drawer and find the sexy, lacy, gonna get me some thongs...yikes. I have not attempted wearing these in like 3 years......and at first I was sort of excited to prance around in them thinking oohhh I might feel a little extra naughty today....but by the time I got downstairs and out the door I was unhappy....I have been pregnant twice since their last appearance and well...lets just say they don't fit the same way anymore. It was like trying to smoke a cigarette after years of quiting....it sounds wonderful and you can't wait for that first drag but then you find your self choking to death and wondering what the fuck you were thinking.....except in my case the circulation to my left ass cheek was cut off and my fat roll fell over the front of them making them feel and look like an expensive purple tourniquet.....not attractive...at all....not even a little...the only thing less sexy was the very deep very red imprint they left across the top of my stretch marks when I finally got to peel them off of me....talk about unleashing the Kraken! I need to send them to a war camp as a torture device. Trust me a day in those God awful things and we will know exactly where Bin Laden is located. So just to be sure that I will never ever ever ever be forced to don those evil, pain inflicting knickers again...I tossed them in the diaper bucket....I will stick to my granny style undies....which bye the way I am renaming Mommy Panties cuz my grandmother didn't wear that kind...hers were like an early form of Spanx....it helped keep her hernia in place....smoking hot I know. How she wasn't knocking moccasins with Grandpa all the time is beyond me ;) Well I'm off...gotta get some fabric softener....don't even get me started on how cardboard stiff panties are not a girls best friend. Peace Out!

Brownie Or Bum Nugget???

Ever have one of those shitty days? Yesterday was one of mine....and by shitty I mean...I stuck my finger in poop...twice....before lunch. The first time....I went to look down the back of my baby's diaper and stuck my finger knuckle deep in turd. What a glorious feeling....nothing like warm wet soft poop all up under your fingernail...bleh...then the second time...I was stuffing a stray wipey into a diaper and somehow stuck my finger in the poop again....but hey that's life as a mom. BUT....the poop wouldn't leave me alone....I had just put the baby down for a nap and was walking by some toys when I saw something weird in the sink of the play kitchen....I walk over and realize its.....you guessed it....poop. WTF....not just any poop....it's cat poop....I'm sick to my stomach....did the kids play with it it??? How did it get there???....Did my jerkoff cat perch his fat orange ass on my children's toys and take a dump?? I grab a tissue and grab up the turd....now here is where it gets really gross....as I'm inspecting the dropping (yes I check poop...you never know what kids/cats swallow) I notice pieces of a worm on it!!!!!! OH MY BLOODY HELL!!!!!! I'm almost vomiting on the way to the trash...I break open the turd and there is like millions of tiny worm bits! Now I'm wicked freaked out.....which quickly turns to sadness as I'm bleaching the bejesus out of play kitchen.....my poor infested cat :(....I better call a vet....oh geez...like I really need all this going on....I hope the kids don't get sick because of it....I'm now throwing away the paper towels and I get a glimpse of a candy wrapper on the floor next to the garbage....um....hmmm.....what is this???? It's a fucking Mounds Bar wrapper....you know coconut with chocolate on it.....which chewed up and spit out into a play sink by a small child resembles a cat turd! Holy balls....I feel so much better now....however just to be safe I dig the poop out of the garbage and sniff it....no smell....so I run to the basement and check the turds in the litter box.....no worms. I'm sure glad I didn't go to college and get some amazing job.....I might be working in some gorgeous office making tons of money and paying maids to do all this ultra fabulous stuff that I do everyday.....I love the mom gig (most days) but I could stand to take a break from feces from time to time. Well...gotta go....my toddler has some training pants on backwards....this will not end well. Peace Out!

He's Just Not That In & Out Of You

Husbands always want sex....always...always....like all the time....anywhere...tired or not, hungry or full, set on fire or drowning in the deep end....so to the few of you ladies out there who are having trouble getting your husband into the sack there are only 4 reasons he's not boxing your glove. You should know that it does not matter if you are awesome at sex or not...if you are awake and willing that's enough....sometimes you don't even really need to be awake...just aware enough to say "just hurry up"...he will do all the work after that....so....here it is...and it's not nice...but let's just get honest here....
Reason number 1...his dick doesn't work....he may need the little blue pill and is a fucking dumbass who is too embarrassed and wont go get it from the doc.
Reason number 2.....he's cheating on you....now this is only true if he's in love with his girlfriend and does not want to cheat on her with you...twisted right??? If it's just side pussy he will still fuck you but most likely only in the morning....there will no longer be afternoon cha cha cuz he's in the back of your minivan spanking the nanny.
Reason number 3...he's gay....
Reason number 4.....your clam has sat in the sun too long....he may wish to moo shoo your pork but the thought of your smelly old egg salad just makes him sick......and he certainly isn't going downtown for dinner if your takeout is nasty.
So....what to do???? Go the gyno and make sure your vag is ok...then buy some soap....if that isn't it...check his porn....you can tell a lot about what they like by porn they view....if there is boys in bowties you are barking up the wrong cock.....if its all tits then hack his blackberry.....Jerry from the gym is really Maria from the beauty salon and she's definitely teasing his pubes. No mistress???? His hose wont spray....he needs you to just come out and say HEY FIX YOUR SHIT..if he is worried and being a big baby etc maybe promise him some butt sex...he will be at the doctor first thing in the morning. Hope this helps....if not....get a dildo...Peace Out.

Pee-ter Pants

I don't care how many of those vagina squeezy exercise things I do...I can't not piss myself when I barf. This is how my hubby knows that I will never suffer from bulimia. I'm pretty sure after a certain amount of babies sitting on and stretching out all my plumbing that I will never be normal again. You know what else is not normal???? My boobies.....they are all fucked up now....no perky adorable little cupcakes....nooooooo.....more like old worn out gym socks....its so not fair....boob milk is suppose to be awesome for your children and so here I gave in with my second child and endured chapped, bloody nipples and not so fun teething time...don't forget all the pervs that tried to sneak a peek when I was in public....and what did I get in return?????? UGLY ALIEN TITS! After all of that work Mother Nature should have given me the rack of god damn porn star.....wtf?
You know what really jacks my balls??? All these stupid daytime talk shows with some asshole saying stuff like...just because you are a mom doesn't mean you have to be frumpy.....listen here fruitcake....yes it does....at least for those of us without nanny backup or maids.....I don't even get a chance to shower everyday much less shop to find some super cute blouse for my baby to puke all over. Did you know I was driving for 5 miles today before I realized I had poop on my sleeve???? Yea....that's right poop...not just a little random ball of poop....no....the whipped peanut butter kind of poop.....yea...and I had just used my last travel wipe on the baby so...I got to run around smelling like damn homeless person all afternoon. Good times. Then they daytime givers of lame and bullshit advice hit us with makeup and hair tips....um....I don't remember the last time I even brushed my hair...what is the point...it's going to have mac n cheese in it within an hour and it's up in a bun at all times anyway...stupid bitch if I had time to do hair and makeup everyday I would probably just do the mountain of laundry lurking in the corner or the never ending dishes....nah...let's be real....I wouldn't...I would pass the hell out....I haven't slept normal in like 257 years....I take every chance I get to snooze. I fell asleep the other day waiting in the car for my daughter...no worries....I was in park....but I felt stupid when I woke myself up by snoring.....oh well...could have been worse.....one time I fell asleep during a LeAnn Rimes concert on New Years Eve....yea...had a sitter...got all dressed up....thousands of people cheering and I'm fast asleep.....my friend (who had no kids) was not really pleased.....oh well....life with kids is an adventure....just not a glamorous one....So till all of the children are in college I will rock my sweats and slippers and pray to God that I don't smell something that makes me puke. Peace out!

Sew Wondering Why Do I Bother???

Anyone ever do anything for your kids that you know is a waste of time and in the long run they won't really appreciate anyway??? Like for my toddler it's homemade mac n cheese....I know she loves it and she will eat it....but 15 years from now....like it's going to mean anything....she will never remember what type of mac n cheese she at as a very small child....so why bother right????
And right now for this exact moment in the world.....my waste of time is the friggen Halloween costume I am constructing for the baby. It's really just working my last nerve....my string keeps snapping...I'm sort of working in the dark and I almost cut the tip of my right thumb off....I'm fairly certain before the night is over my sewing machine will find it's way outside and into the street...then it's smartass will find my car running it over....and over and over some more. Why does the baby need a home created costume anyway???? Why am wasting time and effort on a costume she won't really care about? A cute costume is a cute costume who cares if it was purchased or made???? Did I think by sewing it myself that she would love me more or that other parents would look at me and think...Wow what an amazing mother....she took the time to think of and fashion a really great costume for her child??? I'm soooooooo fucking stupid....no parents think this....and you do you want to know why??? Because they are too busy chasing their own rabid, hopped up on cheap candy, insane children! They will never ever notice the costume I have spent hours on...that I have spilled my own blood on....the outfit that has caused me to sit under my desk and swill wine like a homeless person while quietly sobbing on....sigh. You ask....why continue??? Why not just go buy one.....well...I have so much money and effort into this mother fucker to quit....and I now intend to wrap the bitch up and give it to my child on their wedding day....and make them look at every stitch and every fabric and every little blood stain that went into this mentally scarring, life sucking costume....it can be the something old....and if by chance my darling child does not appreciate my work....I will so effin load the wedding cake and all the bottles of champagne into my car and peel out of the parking lot while waiving my middle finger in the air. Whhheeewwww I feel better...now if you will excuse me...I have some more sewing to do...how much you wanna bet that by morning I have busted out the hot glue gun and said fuck it???? Peace Out!

Candyland

My adorable toddler the thief.....I know I have already written about her shoplifting....however I need to share...it's my form or therapy and with all her little adventures in the stores that I have to keep paying for I can't afford a shrink so I vent to y'all about it. A few weeks ago we were at a large store....you know one of those that sells a bit of everything....while I was looking at patterns for Halloween costumes my adventurous toddler decides to haul ass down and around another aisle so my teen went running after her...they come back and my toddler is desperately clinging to a bag of bright pink jordan almonds...frustrated we put her in the cart and told her she could hold onto them.....about 13 seconds later I look at her and her friggen cheeks are all puffed out like a roided out squirrel and she's chewing vigorously on something! I grab the bag out of her hands and it wasn't opened so I shove my fingers in her mouth and start to pry whatever is in there out only to find like 13 jordan almonds!!! WTF?!.....I asked her did you open the bag??? She just smiles at me with that look....you know like the one men give you after they have just farted under the sheets.....so I start looking the bag over again and finally found a tiny opening right in a crease.....I think dang how did she get all those out of the bag and in her mouth in that little amount of time....but I'm like whatever we will just buy them.....well that was till I found out that were $9.00....are you serious????? It's crappy stale wedding candy....you have got to be pulling my dick....I can buy two pizzas for that and feed the whole family....nine bucks....I know hookers that charge less then that for a bj......(no I will not forward that info on to you so don't ask!) I felt like not feeding her for a day to pay for the damn almonds....but she would just start gnawing on my arm and my ER co-pay is like 75 bucks so it's totally not worth it.....moral of the story....duct tape you children's hands together when you are shopping...or perhaps keep them in the cart to begin with...but I like the duct tape thing better because it takes up less room in the cart and I need the space for my boxes of wine and Twinkies....Peace out!