Monday, March 12, 2012

Juice Cleanse Update #13

Day 9....later afternoon. Well...not much to report. I'm about the same. Feeling pretty good. Wish I had pushed myself a little more to get some exercise in but all in all I am happy with what's going on with my results.

Since my post has nothing interesting I am going to give you a list of things I hate buying at the store....not that they are interesting or that you care but it will add some bulk to my post.

1. Paper towels...they are expensive and then you throw them out. It kills me.

2. Q-tips....not that they need to purchased frequently but for some reason I can never locate them in the store and it puts me in a bad mood.

3. Cat litter....its heavy and yet another thing I'm just going to toss it will include turds....awesome.

4. means I have my period so obviously I'm in pain and to top it off I get to spend money on cotton plugs and pray I don't ruin my favorite yoga pants. (chances are I'm buying a cake and huge bottle of booze too)

5. Socks.....the friggen cat (who needs the litter) has a fascination with socks and drags them all no matching pairs ever leave my house. I once had a cat that ate socks....only the dirty ones....weirdo. I also hate wearing sock... just the idea of my foot being enclosed freaks me it's just not a comfortable purchase.

Ok, well now that I have bored you to tears have a great day and remember.....I'm probably only a few months away from another diet so prepare for the insanity! Peace Out.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Juice Cleanse Update #12

Day 7 late morning. Well...I am way less of a lunatic then I was..(about the diet that is....I'm still a nutjob). In fact I'm feeling amazing. I'm down 18 pounds, the headaches are gone and I just feel better all over. The time change made it a little difficult to get up and at em this morning but I already got a lot done and now I get to spend the day having fun with the kiddos. I'm so fricken motivated to drop all this unhealthy bs and just be me. I've always be fucking fabulous but it takes less effort now ;) I still have weak moments....last night I wanted onion rings sooooooooo bad...but the craving passed just as quickly as it tears or meltdowns! I wish I could see the weight loss in my body...well I can but it's all from my boobs....they are always the first to go. No biggie nothing a pair of gym socks can't fix hahahahahha. I remember I went to flash my husband once and the two pairs of socks I had stuffed in there went tumbling! Well gotta go....I need to go fill this day with my awesomeness! Peace Out!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Juice Cleanse Update #11

Day 6...early morning. Well...I totally cheated...I had dinner last night. I didn't go all crazy I had baked mahi on spinach....and it was amazing. I still intend to juice but yep I failed the total cleanse part. I'm down 14 pounds and it's keeping me motivated. So here I sit with my glass of lime water and soon my green juice. The weather is improving so I will have no excuses not to take the kids for walks and get my heart pumping.

The mornings are interesting...I still hate getting up....but not because I feel exhausted or's just because I hate mornings...I love being all warm and wrapped up in my blankets..I have always been more of night owl....but at least I don't feel as sluggish anymore.

I figure I'm about 10 pounds away from fitting into some new jeans and I really want to put on some sexy new jeans!!!!!!! So I can't just say...fuck it....I just gotta keep going...and I intend to. I had to have a pep talk from the hubbs tho...I got pretty down on myself....but even with the cheating I didn't have any booze, sugar, carbs or caffeine....I guess it could have been worse....I could have murdered a box of donuts and sucked down a box of wine like it was a Capri Sun (which yes I sadly have done before).

Well off to start my day....feeling motivated and ready to get back on the donkey. I know the saying is get back on the horse but horses scare me so I'm going to say the word, donkey is really funny to me... just say it over and over and over....tell me you don't laugh. No? fine...maybe it's just me. Oh well...I've always been easily amused. Peace Out!

Friday, March 9, 2012

My 5 Things Worse Then A Pap Smear one of my friends has an amazing blog, Solitary Mama and on Fridays she does Stupid List Fridays. Today's list was 5 Things Worse Then A Pap Smear. You should read it . the end she asked her readers to take a stab at 5 things that we consider worse then a pap I know how friggen awful those things are...but I think I can think of a few things....

1. Tooth lasts longer and is likely more expensive.

2. The Kardashians....nuff said.

3. Getting Dutch Ovened.....that's when you are in bed and your mate pulls the covers over your head and farts. Luckily my husband isn't stupid enough to try this....he knows I would end up barfing and he would get to clean it up and in the end never get sex again.

4. Getting parenting advice from strangers in a know when your toddler is having a meltdown over pop tarts and all of a sudden some old lady who hasn't raised kids since the Great Depression tells you to just buy the pop tarts or worse when some hippie chick suggest that you buy organic patchouli cookies that way your kid wont have sugar withdrawals. My response to those people is never a nice one....but that is an entirely different blog post.

5. Lindsay Lohan's performance on SNL....I just felt so sorry for myself while I was watching it. Tragic.

This Is My Jam!

Everyone has a song or 5 that turn them into dancing doesn't matter where you your car, a bar, a store etc....for me it's anything by Flo Rida you didn't see that coming. My friends from back in the day would have bet money on The Pussycat Dolls or Black Eyed Peas but here I am it's not even 9am and I am literally dancing on my couch like a stripper to Right Round (you may know it from The Hangover soundtrack)....luckily the kids are up in their play room or that would be awkward :/ Not nearly as bad as the time I was dancing in a Target parking lot because I heard some Flo Rida from someone else's car....not only were people looking at me like I was nuts but then I fell down .....yes it's ok to laugh.......I would have cracked up too and we have already established that I am not exactly graceful... I am no stranger to falling down in the Target parking lots....heck I have multiple cities where that has happened....No biggie I live to shake my booty another day.

I however realize as I get older I am loosing my groove and getting more old lady...I have at least 10 years before my dancing gets lame WTF? I wonder if there is dance class to help middle aged women get less dorky????? I know I'm not pulling off that one hand in the air while bouncing's not pretty at all. Well, in the meantime I will keep doing the cabbage patch and running man....I got that shit down! (just don't ask my husband or friends or kids...they will disagree with that a little) Peace Out!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Juice Cleanse Update # 10

Day 4...dinnertime. Today wasn't so sucky...but I was distracted. My friend and the kids had pizza and there I sat with a pepperoni by my nose just sniffing away like a coke whore except there were no mirrors, drugs or sex. My friend felt bad but I told her that this was my choice and I'm ok. I came home and sucked down big glass of juice then water and now I feel all bloated and not very hungry so my normal nightly meltdown probably won't hit till closer to bed time and then I can just go to sleep! Wish me luck and if you see on the news that a crazy woman robbed the local BBQ restaurant but only took the brisket and sweet tea.....well that would be me.

WTF Is This?

Was at the thrift store & came upon had a slit in it....I'm pretty sure I was holding a used merkin. Lots of hand sanitizer was used after I figured it out. YUCKY!

Juice Cleanse Update # 9

Day 4 breakfast time. Well....last night sucked the big rotten cucumber....I cried for hours. I know I use food as an emotional crutch and without it I was forced to think of other things....and I had a total meltdown. I think I'm ok now...It was probably good to get those tears out. Today I feel sort of ok....but I am down 12 pounds and still no headaches so that's progress.

I went to give my kids some Capri Suns this morning (lazy me) and I always take a sip out so that when they grab the pouch they won't squeeze juice all over the place. Well, I wasn't thinking and went ahead and took the sip....OH MY GOD...that shit is awful! It tastes like sugar water with hints of something....not sure what.. but it isn't fruit. few days of juicing have definitely changed my perspective of what the hell REAL food should taste like. Well...I'm actually going to go spend time with a human who eats today...and I feel strong enough to try being around if I don't do some gossiping soon I will totally end up drinking the bottle of Cake Vodka in my freezer for lunch...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Juice Cleanse Update #8

Day 3....just before dinner time. Well...I'm still bored...but more blah then bored. I noticed that I haven't been craving soda or booze....which is weird....I thought those would be harder to let go of then food. Back in the day my diet consisted of Diet Pepsi, gin &tonics and the occasional hot dog from the Pilot gas station. As time has gone on I am definitely more of a foodie and I am more of a wine girl but yea soda and booze are still my I find it odd that I could give a shit about those....

The cravings for meat are kicking up....ribs, chicken, burgers etc....I'm having a hard time feeling full today....and I haven't really dropped anymore weight. I'm feeling a tad defeated. When I say tad I mean I want to launch a chair into a window and smash my fucking juicer into tiny little bits....but instead I will blog and drink more stupid water. Cheers Bitches....

Juice Cleanse Update #7

Day 3...mid morning. Eh....I feel ok...just bored. I'm not mad, I'm not sad...I'm not starving but I'm really really bored. I don't think the rain is helping any and I have zero motivation. At least I'm not trying hide in the bushes to hijack the meals on wheels guy.

Wordless Wednesday 3/7/12

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Juice Cleanse Update #6

Day 2....just after dinner time. hubby took us all out for a walk today....and it was a great idea. I felt great....better then I had in weeks. I am usually all about walking with the kids and pointing out wonderful things....and I just haven't gotten off the couch in forever. If this were the movie, Seven, I don't know if I would be sloth of gluttony but Kevin Spacey would have killed me for sure.

My headache is now fairly non existent and my motivation has kicked back up a notch. Don't get me wrong I long for some Chinese food and some vodka right now but I also long to be healthy and happy. So for the moment I am less homicidal then I was this morning....hahahahahahahaha (menacing laugh)

Juice Cleanse Update #5

Day two....late afternoon. I took a long nap....I still feel wonkey but not as bad. I'm back to being hungry....I only know this because when I was giving my dogs their treats I thought they looked delicious. I wasn't even ashamed of myself. I would totally eat a barbecued dog right now....jk....I meant the treats. ;)

Juice Cleanse Update #4

Day 2 breakfast time..... My darling children got bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches and I got green cap in a cup....seriously I don't even care....I just want my head to feel better.

The caffeine withdrawals have set brain feels like a fondue pot....all melty with metal pokers in it. If drug addicts suffer like this then I totally understand why most of them don't recover. I hurt so bad that I'm not even hungry. What a way to get healthy.....just be in so much pain that the thought of food doesn't cross your mind....I'm fairly sure that a serial killer thought of this....evil rat bastard.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Juice Cleanse Update #3

Still day later in the evening....I would normally be sipping wine & having snacks right now....but no... I get water. I just want to punch myself in the face...for two reasons... #1 this was my fucked up idea.... #2 so I can pass the hell out & stop thinking about booze, Pepsi & pizza. I'm going to go cry now.

Juice Cleanse Update #2 1...around dinner time. I would give my right boob for a pizza and a six pack of beer. This shit better work.

Juice Cleanse Update #1

So I'm doing a juice cleanse....this is day one and I'm only a few hours in. I am already a raving lunatic. My preschooler woke me up several hours early....and since I am not really a morning person to begin with, this made for a torturous start. Then to top it off I go down to the kitchen only to see my juicer next to the coffee pot....oh dang...that's right no rocking the java to help make me feel human.....fuck. I make my juice....which doesn't totally blow but afterwards I had to make the children some breakfast....that delish goodness for mommy....literally tears are starting to flow. I mostly just feel confused. I knew this was going to be hard but I didn't realize how just plain odd it was going to be. I love to drink....but I prefer my drinks have caffeine or booze in them...sometimes both. I think I'm going to go wrap some coffee grinds into a bandanna and tie it around my nose....maybe the smell will help......I am trying to keep my eye on the prize but so far without any caffeine I can't keep my eyes open..............sucky ducky.