C Is For Cunnilingus

C is for Cunnilingus ....I know...I am always talking about sex stuff...it's because my mind is always always always in the gutter and if I had to pick something other than sex stuff C would be for Crap because that's all I got. I thought about it all day and had pondered doing Cake (I fucking love cake)...I even made one..the kids helped frost it but nothing ridiculously exciting happened. No fires, no eggs in the eyes....nada. So...that would be a tad bit boring. So here I am with C is for Cunnilingus...which is fine with me...it's one of my favorite things. It's right up there with boxed wine and cake. If I could have all three at once I would be soooo happy....well no...I thrash around like that chick in the exorcist so it would probably get really messy and I already do enough laundry..so maybe we will leave the snacks out if it. Isn't it sad when someone goes down on you and it sucks???? You just lay there knowing that if this is bad...then the sex will be probably be bad too...so you debate if you should just grab your panties and go. Why chance a bad lay??? All guys think they rock at it too and well...not everyone is a rockstar. Most can be taught if you feel like putting the time in...but you must shame them...no one wants to be bad at licking pussy....so don't lie and be like Oh it's awesome...then they won't want direction....just be honest and say, Hey this is awful....if you want me to cum you need to actually find my clit! But...when it's good it's good and is great for when you don't want to get totally undressed or when you don't have a lot of time but just need to get off.... If your partner does not like to go downtown to chow then you need to kick them to the curb and beat them with a bat....well not the beating part....then you will go to jail and end up giving cunnilingus to some huge chick named Pat...no fun! Well...I hope I have rambled on enough for this post...I'm going to go have cake now. Peace Out!

B Is For Bullshit

B is for...Bullshit....once again I have nothing. SIGH. I was going to talk about boogers because I caught my neighbor walking her dog while she was knuckle deep...I laughed hysterically and she got pissed...not sure why she was irritated at me....I fucking hate her and she was doing something disgusting so I laughed. But as you can see that was a quick story so I have nothing left to talk about except some bullshit..... I think my loyal followers expected me to talk about boobies....but that's been done....and since mine are too small for good titty sex the boob subject is sorta sad for me..... But I do love boobies....I don't think that makes me weird....I can appreciate a nice rack (natural or paid for).....and I won't lie...sometimes I would like to appreciate them with my hands.....just a quick squeeze or two. Nothing I couldn't do in public...Boobs are great...unless... they are not. I hate when I'm watching a show or a movie and all of a sudden there are boobs but then it's like....OH NO! What the fuck is wrong with her nipples???!!!! I don't think guys have this issue..they are too busy pre cumming in their boxers. Dudes love boobs...all boobs...especially if they get to play with them. Women on the other hand are picky....if we are going to cross that line and motorboat some chick....she better have the sweetest tits ever....I have yet to motorboat someone....I'm saving myself for Sophia Vergara....unless she unleashes those puppies and her nips freak me out...then I would just honk em quick and run to the nearest bar and drink my sorrows away. Well...I'd say that's enough Bullshit for this post...wish me luck for tomorrow. Peace Out!

A Is For Asshole

A is for Asshole. Yea...so I did this blog challenge last year and it nearly killed me...So what did I do???? I went and signed up for it again...like an asshole. I didn't prep (again) and I think I already have an ulcer just thinking about trying to make it to Z. Oh well....at least for a whole month I will have to write....I haven't really been hitting the keys a lot as of late so perhaps this will get my creative juices flowing. For those of you that know me....I'm sure you were expecting something a little more saucy so here's a little something for you. A is for Asshole....and if you are going to let someone play with your back doorbell make sure you lube that lazy brown eye...spit is free and effective ( I hear Jenna Jameson prefers it)....but if for some reason you are kinky enough for ass play but not for letting your partner lick your butt hole then... A is for AstroGlide.......I guess. You know what...I have a random thought....all guys like ass play...if they say they don't they are full of shit (well you know what I mean)....they just won't admit it...which is dumb....why not ask for what you want??? If they have never tried it...just get them drunk and do it. Think about it....it's only fair...they are always trying to get up our asses but they are too chicken to let us finger fuck theirs. LAME. Trust me...they will love it...millions of gorgeous gay men can't be wrong. Peace Out.

Review Of...Red State

So I very rarely do reviews of things...like books and movies...mostly because no one gives a shit what I think. But for some reason I feel the want/need to put a review out about this movie. Let me start with why I even watched it... I like Kevin Smith....I'm not like a super fan and know all his work inside and out but I dig the dude and his attitude...plus he was on Degrassi ;) Anyways.....I came across a more recent Q&A thing he did on Netflix (damn I love Netflix!!!!) and he spoke a lot about this movie he did, Red State. I was all WTF??? Why have I not heard about this movie? I guess too much Gilmore Girls on Netflix. So the Q&A things was great and so out of major curiosity I looked for the movie....SCORE...it too was on Netflix......so my reaction/review of Red State: FUCK YEA MOTHERFUCKER! It was brilliant....the cast was just beyond awesome...like your first screaming O awesome. I was impressed by every single person in the movie. The writing was fantastic.....I love that Kevin tackled this and did such a genius job with it. Was it fucked up and crazy....fuck yes....total batshit. I have zero clue if this flick won any awards (I'm too lazy to Gooogle) but I really hope it did....screenplay, best actor, supporting actor etc.... My guess is no...only because I watch most award shows and I don't really remember anything about it....however I'm usually pretty drunk during those so....who knows. I think some of my more reserved friends won't really dig it.....it's got some filth to it....I hope that doesn't keep the majority of people from checking it out.... I wish I could ask Kevin if I was suppose to find some of it hysterical??? Maybe I did because of my upbringing or I'm a twisted fuck....who knows. If you want a synopsis...I'm not great at doing those I tend to spoil shit....let me try: "Christian" Fuckers.... IDK...look on IMDB...they do a better job....well it is their job so.. If y'all watch it let me know your thoughts. Peace Out.

Counting Sheep...Sort Of

Don't you hate when you can't fall asleep and the weirdest, random shit pops up in your head? Does this even happen to anyone else or is it just me with some form of Adult ADHD?? Anyways...I was tired...like balls tired but could not fall asleep and all of a sudden I was like, I haven't seen my cupcake maker...I wonder where it is. Then my thoughts just spiraled all over the place.... Why haven't I seen my cupcake maker? Did it make the move? (I hear a big truck outside) Oh fuck I bet my cupcake maker is a transformer! It would have to be a girl one because it's pink. There is only one girl transformer right??? I will Google it in the morning. That's so sexist... Michael Bay is going to get a Tweet from me bout it! Wait did Michael Bay even do those movies...is that even his name? I will IMDB it in the morning too. Fuck I'm so hungry...I want a peanut butter sandwich. Not going in the kitchen....other shit might be transformers too. I wonder what other appliances are...I hope it's not the toaster oven..that would freak me out. I bet my stupid phone is a transformer too and that's why I can't find that fucker from time to time. Oh my god, If my phone is a transformer I will never be president...all my FB updates, tweets, texts, emails....it thinks I'm a perv! I still really want a sandwich. Too tired to brave the kitchen. I wish I had a cat.... Why was the only girl transformer such a whore??? I bet my cupcake maker is out whoring around too... Where do transformers go to party? (I hear a sound...don't be the kids...don't be the kids...shit I better go check....no idea) Damn...while I was up I should have made a sandwich. I bet my phone when it transforms hides my flip flops on me....fucker. My flat iron obviously is the worst transformer ever....it can hardly heat up anymore...POS. I need to shave my legs. Whoa...how scary would it be if my EpiLady was a transformer??? Why am I even thinking about transformers? Oh...yea..Signs was on earlier.....I think I could maybe handle aliens if they were transformers. They don't seem like they are interested in butt rape. I think it would be cool if those Barbie Jeeps were transformers and then beat the crap out of bullies. Mac and cheese sounds good. And then I fell asleep. I think I should have just had a glass of wine and watched Pitch Perfect again. Peace Out.

Period Preparedness

Alright fellas.....if y'all have a wife or girlfriend...friend with benefits...you obviously will find from time to time (like one week a month...duh) her box of tampons sitting out on the bathroom counter. This means more than just a week of masturbation for you.....I'm going to break it down for you so that you can survive the 5-7 days of red river rapids. The 10 Things Men Should Know When The Tampon Box Is On The Bathroom Counter: 1. You are not funny....it is not ok to crack a joke of any sort....especially about her. Don't go there....this will end in one of two ways....you will send her into a tear filled depression only to be fixed by watching The Notebook over and over again OR you will get stabbed in the face. So save your "funny" shit for Twitter. 2. You should bring home chocolate. 3. Your new favorite phrase is: Damn Baby, you look so skinny! Any other compliment will backfire and will end in the same one of two ways as #1. 4. There is nothing wrong with finding her on the living room floor with 3 bottles of wine...she may not even have a glass....just smile and say the phrase from #3. Any other approach will end in the same one of two ways from #1. 5. You should bring home more chocolate. 6. Your new favorite movie is Twilight. You may even want to watch it for the the next 5-7 days because it's the most epic love story of our time....and then as you press play on the Blu Ray player you say the phrase from #3 and smile. 7. Sweat pants are sexy....she looks amazing in them....you are going to buy her more because they look so good. Then you say the phrase from #3. 8. You should buy some more chocolate. 9. You are stupid....let's face it....just about everything you say is going to be wrong....just remember these words: You're right Baby. I'm so sorry... Any other version will end in the same one of two ways as #1. 10. Get more chocolate and as you hand it to her say the phrase from #3. Good luck....hope you don't get stabbed. Unless you are an insensitive douche face...then you deserve it. Peace Out.

22 Positions In A One Night Stand

So...in a half drunk channel flipping evening I had over the weekend I saw something (I think) about someone getting 3 wishes but they only lasted 24 hours. I got to thinking about what I would do. I thought of several things....my first husband being covered in red ants, having my high school nemesis covered in hair, The Kardasians plagued with flesh eating bacteria....etc etc etc....but none of those really made me feel exceptionally happy....perhaps a bit delighted but not truly happy. After tons of thought I have my 3 wishes. 1. That all of my family and friends have one day of total bliss. No toe stubbing, all green lights, no financial worries etc etc etc. If only for one day I want all my loved ones to have just a phenomenal time. 2. I want anyone who hurts children to pass very large kidney stones. 3. I want to have a penis and balls. That's right....I NEED to know what it's like. I want to pee standing up wherever I want....outside, in a plant, off a bridge etc... I want to know what it feels like to "free ball", what it feels like to do jumping jacks with a dick swinging. I know how I feel when I get turned on but I can't even guess what it's like to have an erection...it's fascinating to me. Plus...think of all the inside info I could get....I would finally figure out how to give a decent hand job! I defiantly want to have sex with it....but I think it would be hard to find someone who will let me....after all...I only wished for a penis and balls...which means I still look like me. Kinda hard to find someone who will let me poke them. I would ask one of my friends but that would seriously change our relationship.....but come one.....I finally have a chance to feel what the big deal is...what millions of men have begged for, songs have been written about and wars have been fought over...ok maybe not but still the vagina has caused some epic issues. If I could experience the honey hole as a dude I most definitely would. But mostly I just want to walk around in a towel and then swing my cock around in circles...men always seem to do that....I don't understand why...it looks really stupid but since it's something they all do...I must try it. I'm sure there are several bad things that I would experience while having a penis....getting it caught in my zipper, squishing my balls and premature ejaculation but that would be helpful too....maybe be I could be more empathetic to male issues.....BWAHAHAHAHAHA....ok probably not....I'm sure I would just use that info for evil purposes..but hey I already used one of my wishes for something good....my sweet side has it's limits. So....to all my lady friends out there....if I somehow manage to find a genie to grant me my three wishes and I get my penis for a day and you find it in your heart to let me fuck you....I will totally not be wearing a condom.....they say bareback is the way to ride!!!! Peace out!