Sunday, January 31, 2010

If you don't pay taxes...I'm not interested

Men are stupid...ok not stupid...well not all of them are stupid...but all of them are easily turned on...which for me is a good thing...I don't have lots of time to put extra effort into getting my husband all jazzed up for some spicy I think God did that for a reason....lots of women have very full, kids, errands, pets, home...etc....we just don't have it in us to do a lot of prep time to get a quickie....not saying that once in awhile we shouldn't go the extra mile....but for the most part it's nice to know that I can just turn to my hubby and say "Turn off the TV and get on" and he's all ready to go....or if I'm feeling naughty I can just get naked and say "hurry up"....and bam...he's at attention. To prove my point...look at strip clubs for guys....all it takes for men is for a chick...not even a hot chick.... to come on stage nearly naked.... and they start throwing cash at her....way to's a bit more difficult for the male strippers to turn women on...we need a little more....why do you think male dancers come out dressed as pilots, doctors and sailors????? Because it leads us to believe they have a job....and women are turned on by men that are employed....we don't want some lazy asshole that sits on our couch and takes our money and eats our food...don't get me wrong the dancing is nice and all but I'm not giving you cash unless you work for it and by that I mean you get up, leave the house and go to work! While I'm on this topic....I'm not so impressed with the average male stripper....they are not really my type....where can I find a group that has some big furry men???? These skinny hairless metro looking boys need to go...I want a MAN....and don't get me wrong..dressing up like a lawyer or naughty nerd is cute and all...but my engine gets reved by give me a 6'0 280lb firefighter or mechanic...manly stuff where they really can just throw you around and use their me a lumberjack or a welder.....not only do ladies like men that work we like men that are useful.....that 5'7 140lb cowboy isn't going to do shit for me...not only would I break him....I don't have cattle...what fucking good is he???? I want a plumber or a police officer....(swat outfits are wicked hot) and for crying out loud stop lathering yourself in that coconut oil....that's not manly...come out smelling of beer and Old Spice....I will drop a ten spot on you if you have that yummy man smell....and am I the only one who does not think a dude in hot pink thong is not sexy....that's just friggen weird in my book...I should not get your underpants confused with mine...I like my men in boxer briefs and on the right chubby guy even some tighty whitey undies....All in all I love the everyday man....the tiny dude doing flips while wearing a glitter covered cock sock does not make my vagina tingle...come out and spike a football and grill a burger....then I will so let you spank me with the bar-b-que tongs.....Momma's fantasy is a guy that cooks, works and has something for me to hold you want to get a 20 dollar bill out of a sandwich, grow some back hair and tell me how to fix the washer....then you give me lap dance....
Well gotta go....I think I will start my own male entertainment group...I should call them...Passed Puberty....or The Macho Militia....perhaps...Blue Collar Cummings....I don't know I will have to think about it...but if you know any big boys wanting to audition I will placing an ad on Craigslist....Peace out!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A little goes a long way.......

I have heard this saying somewhere...either from an exceptionally slutty friend or on a fairly slutty movie "There is nothing worse then waking up hungover with your underwear on backwards and a condom stuck in your ass"....well I disagree....the only thing worse then that is waking up on a Monday morning, stumbling to the kitchen to get some coffee and stepping in a large, warm pile of dog want to know why that is worse??? Because that my friends, you will remember.......and you will also make note to get a doggie door installed.
I gotta say...I am getting used to big things in life going wrong....the out of your hands things..the it must be God's will type stuff...and I try to roll with the punches...but damned if the little things in life just won't stop working my last's the icing on the cake so to know the cake that didn't agree with you and left you on the toilet in agony for 3 hours instead of enjoying the big game.....or the cake that set the oven on fire and now your kitchen is covered in that stuff from the extinguisher....what a joy. Just the other day it was balls cold...and I was driving along running some errands....and while at a stop light I decided to check and see if I had booger in my nose....shut up...nothing worse then having a conversation with someone all face to face then later realizing there was a giant nose goober staring at anyways I go to flip down the visor to look in the mirror and the little piece of plastic that kinda clips in the visor to roof breaks the off...that's right it breaks the fuck off!!!! Are you gets cold out and my vehicle starts falling apart?! I drive an SUV...the thing is suppose to be badass...but no my pussy mobile loses appendages when the temp drops....and to top it off....the piece of plastic does not just simply break off and fall to the floor....oh flings itself right into my eyeball!! Holy shit right?! now my automobile is falling apart, my eye is injured and I probably have a booger in my nose....sweet...the day is starting off just really really well. Now in the grand scheme of things is any of this a major will I get over I find it more annoying then hearing my teenage daughter talk about boys....hell yea. So....I'm thinking all my drunk friends with lose morals have the right idea....just be sloshed out of your mind all the time and you won't notice the crappy stuff....ok just kidding...that's not good advice...but I can see why they do it..every time that evil life sucking scrolly ball on my phone gets stuck I just want to pry the bitch out with a fork, put it in the toilet and pee on it....why does the one thing needed for my stupid phone to function properly always have to get all jenk on me???? Anyone else lose their minds over the remote control growing feet and hiding in stupid places??? I know all of mine do it...and for that I hate them...nasty little turds...thinking they are funny and stashing themselves in places like the fridge or the bathroom drawer and my fav...the inside of my I have time for that... I have never enjoyed hide and go seek..especially when I want to watch NCIS after a long day of eyeball injuries and stepping in Labrador poopy. You know I'm already pretty inept at most tasks...I don't need added things screwing with when I finally get a chance to vacuum....I really don't need the cord tripping me causing me to smack my head against the wall...and I have no problem working the can opener...but for some reason every time I get a can of tuna fish it slops everywhere...all over my hands, my shirt and once in my hair (don't know how).....then, the cat starts prostituting himself around me......I just wanted to make a sandwich for crying out I smell all nasty and I have a horny hungry cat following me all over the house....nice.
People say don't sweat the small stuff...well I think the small stuff can lick my butthole...the small stuff is what jacks up my to you small stuff I raise up my middle finger and say suck it!
Well...gotta go drag the trash down to the curb....I'm going to wear gloves because last time the bin fell over and spewed trash all over the street. I should have just set it all on fire and did a fuck you dance to the gods of small stuff. Peace out!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Who cares if I leave the cap off???!!!!

Ever wonder if the one you are with could be "the one" is one of my ideas to help you decide...should you base the entire relationship on it's food for thought.....I have noticed that if I can't stand watching them brush their's a no go....and I know that sounds bit crazy...and let's face it...I'm a bit on the abnormal side to begin with...but just roll with me here....ok...think about it....when you brush your teeth you make all sorts of fucked up faces...and all sorts of fucked up noises....some people even stick your tongue move your lips all's really just a horrible thing to if you watch your partner and it does not bother you then cool...but if you see them working on their pearly whites and it freaks you out or annoys prepared for other things to do that as well. I dated this one guy who at first I thought was very cool and fun and not bad looking...but as time went on I finally saw him brush his teeth...and it annoyed me..for some reason the way he held his mouth while brushing just made his teeth look like giant bowling balls and he did this weird stance with his neck...he looked so distorted like an alien or he held the toothbrush weird...almost like a pencil (maybe he was a bit gay...who knows)...the whole thing just made me upset. Now any other time of the day his teeth, neck and hands didn't really bother me but I made damn sure I wasn't around for tooth brushing time...and as time went on just hearing him made me want to knock all his teeth out so I wouldn't have to endure it ever again. Then other things got in the the fact I noticed how he walked in socks compared to barefoot or with shoes...very weird...and I added it to the list of odd things that bugged if I could not handle those things a few months time it would have been absolute pure torture...
I know at first when you are in a fun fresh relationship you think little things like that are no big think you will get used to them and you focus on the good stuff like the hot sex, long conversations and the new fun things ya'll do together...but down the line something little like the way someone folds their towels can turn into a big deal...I know some stuff I do... ok lots of the stuff I do drive my husband friggen crazy...but he also finds them somewhat endearing....however someone else would be repulsed by when I come home I walk to a spot in the house...and it's never the same one...and I literally kick off my flip flops....they fly up in the air hit the wall and land about 2 feet apart from each other....then that's where I leave them till I need them again....and my husband busts my balls about it once in awhile but he's not going to crack one day and cut off my feet because he just can't take it anymore....and for him when he gets all macho and uses his deep voice he tends to narrow his eyes...normally I would pick on someone for that...but with him I find it sexy and I want to jump him....for some reason that whole I'm gonna kick your ass look just gets me all hot and bothered....but if I saw some other dude do it...I would laugh my ass off and tell them to knock it off.
So...all in's not always the big things that make your relationship's the everyday does he have a normal laugh or one that will drive you to puncture your ear drums...does she leave her tampon box on the toilet during her he prone to ball itching in public....does she crack her knuckles at dinner...stuff like this can make or break your life take time to be honest with yourself...and look at that will be worth it in the long run...and I know ya'll are dying to ask about if when my husband brushes his teeth does it bug at all...he brushes them hard and strong....just like something else he does that way...and I don't mind one bit ;)
Well gotta go....need to put my makeup box away before he catches it in the sink again and then I will pick up his socks he left under the coffee table..then we will go nag our teen about how she keeps her room...that's a whole other battle...Peace out!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Won't you come out and play with me.... everyone has their own idea of freaky....some people think anything other then missionary position is evil...others have sex swings...some people invite others to play and some are just ...I can't even talk about it....I consider myself to be a bit boring...I know I talk a good game but I'm pretty middle of the road. I don't mind a few different positions and I don't mind talking dirty....oral is always a plus....but I'm not really into leather masks or pain (not saying I don't pull a muscle from time to time but that is due to age and lack of exercise)...weIl that's sort of a lie...I don't like to be in pain...I get off on inflicting some....I LOVE to bite...anyways....I don't mind the idea of a few toys...I kinda wanted some vibrating panties...but am afraid I would short them out and I really don't want to shock button.....I think vibes are cool...but nothing does not need to be all gas powered and have swirling cannon balls...I feel the best toy in the bedroom...or wherever you decide to do the monkey you....why do you think guys still go to strip clubs??? They want to see some naked dancing....good old fashioned boobie bouncing and butt jiggle is a good way to get Captain One Eye to stand at attention....and as for me....I prefer a good tongue lashing then any damn plastic/latex object....needless to say if you are with someone who is not so great in the sack....then maybe some nip clamps are in your future. I think from time to time it's nice to get a bit spicy and change things up a bit....getting in a rut is never good....but there is nothing wrong with knowing your partner and having good familiar sex.....but that comfortable sex can only really be appreciated when you have a crazy shag now and then....I know some people role play...that's not really my thing...I tease about it but I could never really get into it....I dig my hubby the way he is...I don't need to pretend he is someone else...and if I wanted to bang someone else I would...and that would be the end of my my gig. Some people find odd places to get it on...I always always always have at least one other then the closet or garage...out of the question for me...but I would sooooo get on board with that idea if I could....I am all about leaving a wet mark on all sorts of public places...the rush of it all is awesome.....I would love to just be bent over a baggage carousel at an airport or give a great blow job at the doctors office while waiting for the nurse....but alas between my litter of children and my lack of funds to get bailed out of jail I refrain from exhibition masturbation in the garden section of Target. Do any of you use those flavored massage gel things?? I always think they sound like a good idea...then find out...not so much...they taste awful and end up leaving my bedding all sticky...well...that's not just the gel...but you know what I mean....I would get into it more if they tasted better....same with the edible pantie thing...first of all edible undies is just a really stupid idea...just lick the vagina and get it over with...I don't want to just sit there all day and watch my husband chew on some second of all they are ugly and taste like old fruit roll ups.... I know if I was going to chew on gummy jock strap I'd want it to taste like sangria....and ladies if you want your man to stay downtown for awhile shouldn't those lubes taste like beer??? I know my hubby would get way more head if there were pink champagne flavored penis tingler to pour on there...I don't know...maybe someday the sex toy people will wake up and make stuff that people really like....that's why bars make way more money....people like booze...not nasty old strawberry chocolate with a hint of KY....bleh......and what the hell is with body paint???? How stupid.....oooohh yea babe paint a smile face on my ass then the sex will be mind blowing...uh no....painting does not get my vaginal juices flowing....maybe that works for some but I want to be excited not lulled to sleep....oh you know what else I'm not two reasons...first of's weird...I could never eat a salad again if I let my guy stick a cucumber in my ass and second way to many urban legends out know them...the girl who got a hot dog stuck up in her girly bits..(just because we call a penis a wiener does not mean Oscar Meyer belongs in your whooo hah) then there's the guy who put peanut butter on his nuts and let the dog lick it off...and all of a sudden he see's everyone he knows cuz it was a surprise party...the list goes needless to say real food and sex just should not be mixed....and FYI...the whole whip cream bikini thing...not slides the fuck ya'll can just forget that idea....not only will no one be eating a nice treat off your ta tas you will be stuck cleaning the carpet...and no I don't mean your love patch.....oh speaking of love I the only chick in America that does not go bald eagle??? I keep her clean and all...nice edging etc....but I still have know why...cuz I think it's weird to look like a 10 year old girl...just saying....and any man that waxes his batter bowls is an idiot....make no mistake...some grooming is much appreciated but if you don't have ball hair something is just wrong with a man for gods sake.
Well it appears that I have once again just babbled on and on and not really made a point...sorry...I guess the moral of the story is...we have been given a gift...the opportunity to enjoy our significant others...don't let it become the demise of you about it...what your needs are...what you are comfortable with trying and what you already is suppose to enhance your relationship not become a chore and possibly even end it.....and trust me....I have seen it happen.....well...gotta go...the baby is asleep so time to have some naughty nibble time...maybe in the kitchen so I can get the coffee ready for the morning too...peace out!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Not so "kool"

Well...the fun never ends in Mommy Land...last night as I was in the kitchen enjoying some quiet time doing arts and crafts I noticed my toddler decided to play with a package of tropical punch Kool first I had reservations about this but noticed she kept putting in a drawer and then taking it out mumbling something about I decided it was alright....about 20 seconds later I look over and all is still by the time I turn my head back to my project I hear her sweet little voice saying "mmmm num buzum buzum" I whip my head back and friggen sure enough she's got her damn pudgy finger in the now ripped open package and she's eating the powder!!!!! For some reason I panic..instead of just taking it away or telling her to set it down I started yelling for her older sister (don't ask why..I still have yet to figure that out)....that in turn scared the hell out of my toddler and she whips the package up in the air...the powder comes raining out all over the place and into her eyes...she starts screaming and my husband grabs her up and rushes her off to the bathroom to flush her eyes....I decide to try and clean up the powder that sprinkled all around the kitchen...and in yet another moment of brilliance I use a very wet paper towel to clean the floor...which made it look like I killed that fat annoying Kool Aid Man right there next to my fridge....I'm guessing the dust buster thing would have been a better idea....but I'm not very domestic and I'm learning things as I go...but damn..really...I'm going to blame it on lack of sleep. Anyways....once I clean up the red sea I go into the bathroom to check on the child and hubby....I find that he has her in the shower because she was a bit more covered in powder (now called Devil dust) then I thought......she's fine...she's not in pain and she is Yep...her sweet little face, hands and chest...all stained bright red...fucking awesome. Not that she usually isn't some other color due to markers or paints but that is only like a finger or two...not half of my child...oh well...lesson learned....only let her play with non staining drink mix....lmao...jk...maybe we will stick to plastic play food for awhile....well gotta go and wipe off the glue stick she wiped all over my dryer door...don't ask....thank goodness she's cute....Peace out!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Embrace The Inner Idiot

Hello all...I hope 2010 is treating everyone well....well not everyone just people I like...anyways...I am busy with my new baby and handful of other crazy children....however as of late I am getting a touch of cabin fever...I feel the need to go out and make a giant asshole of, I don't mean downing 6 shots of Patron, picking a fight with several large homeboys and then puking in the shower (yes I tend to barf in the shower when I've had too much to drink....I think because I am able to find it...not sure...but it pisses Tom off...cuz I end up passing out somewhere odd like the garage or on top of the washing machine and he's left to clean it could be worse I could yack in the fridge) besides too many towns have seen me do that too many times and I am now to cheap to pay for 6 shots of tequila....maybe if the economy were better...but that is soooo not the point right now....have you ever just done some random weird thing just to do it??? I need to sometimes... or the most part no longer try to draw attention to myself....but sometimes the weirdo part of me wants to get have a few ideas to appease my inner's see...I could start off with dressing in full motorcycle gear and riding go carts.....hunt down people in the parking lot and see if they want to race...when they try to avoid me I can get all pissed off...start screaming shit at them like...You can't handle me bitch!!! You are just a giant pussy like your mom!!! Why did you even come here??? If you can't handle the heat boy get the fuck out of here!!!! I bet some people get annoyed enough to race me...and the helmet will come in handy if they try to punch me...I hate getting hit in the ruins my day...
Then maybe I'll head over to the mall and ride on the little kids carousel and act like those drunk whores at the bar that pretty much dry hump the mechanical bull...get all YEE HAAW! and tell the 80 year old guy in a Jazzy chair to come on over cowboy....ask him if he can handle me for 8 seconds! Old people get freaked the fuck out when make sexual advances on them....just be sure you know CPR...they might just jack up the whole thing and start having a damn heart attack....which is never fact it's gross...people tend to poop themselves and stuff...yuck...grown up turds are way more gross then baby doo doo...which is why I will never work in a nursing home....I don't mind the elderly unless they are the kind that need hosed off...bleh...fuck I'm off my point again.....I was plotting my day of odd excellence....
Oh you know an old fav of mine is to pull up to unknown people at gas stations or fast food places and run out of my car and get all excited to see them.....HI!!! Oh my god I have not seen you in forever!!! Remember that night in Vegas?! My Ass is still sore! Wow give me a hug!!!....then just say I gotta go...jump back in the car and peel out....the more unlike you the person is...the for me I would pick like an older black lady or maybe a gay asian man....or perhaps a nun....see what I'm getting at...the more shocking it can be to that person the better!
Maybe I will put on a wedding dress from Goodwill or something and ride my bike around before you judge me on that...remember not only am I like wicked fat...then I will be covered in polyester and lace....I will be on bright yellow old lady beach cruiser bike with a basket on the front...and I am not all that good at riding a bike...lots of shaking...oooh and I should put a radio in the basket and play some old Madonna songs and sing along as I ride around....maybe try the drive through at Arby's....mmmm....Beef n' Cheddar...that sound so fucking good...anyways....after eating my meal I could walk around Target in my dress and perhaps the helmet from the go carting and just wander around looking at stuff...occasionally busting a move and singing MC Hammer....2 legit 2 legit to quit....I love seeing peoples faces when I start randomly dancing...have not done it in costume this should be interesting...Have you ever run up to a fellow shopper with some product and explain how much you love it??? I dare you...Just grab dishwasher detergent and jump in someones face holding it up like a trophy....DUDE!! I have got to tell you about this stuff!!! It's aaaaammmazing! I've never ever seen anything like just put it in the dishwasher and it cleans your dishes!!!! Dude did you hear me?! I said it cleans your dishes! That's crazy right?! Man I'm gonna buy like 10 of these before other people find out about it and buy it should get some too! I'm telling you man it's the chiz!........nothing like the look of panic on their faces after a display like that....Oh...another awesome good time is to act like the beeping noise of the scanner at the check out it freaking you out and you don't know where it's coming from...start looking around and ducking...maybe even hit the floor and act like it's gunfire...the cashier gets all weird about that...starts asking if you are ok...then she thinks your nuts and starts looking around with that look in her eyes like...Oh this nutjob going to hurt me???? If you can start crying go for it...and then crawl out of the store telling everyone to save themselves!!!!!!!!!!!!! If security comes and gets you before you make it to your car...just tell them that you are making a reality clip to get on a VH1 show...chances are they will just ask you to not do it big deal.
Well...gotta go...gotta get on e-bay and find some roller skates....I'm thinking of recreating the Jessica Simpson Public Affair video...I'm putting an add on Craigslist for some drag queens to be the other chicks from the video....plump juicy bitches like should turn out pretty damn hot!
Have a great day and is not all fun and games...but take the time to have a good laugh...even if it's at my expense...Peace out!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I'm not laughing at wait...yes I am

I will start by saying...I know I'm not cool...I'm a mother of like 57 kids...I'm pleasantly plump...and I'm white...which means I don't understand most anything kids say did you know BEAST means cool????.....anyways....there are a few things that are even more dorky than I of my list...The Nextel beep beep phones...for the of love cheap wine and lose women please stop using the beep beep phones...they are soooo friggen's bad enough I have to hear you talk about cigarettes and Budweiser...I really don't want to hear your other half telling you to pick up some bait and ice that damn chirping pisses me off! What's worse is that ya'll think you are so damn make sure that everyone sees you and everyone hears one gives a flying fuck that you have direct fact we all wish you would just shove that stupid thing right up your asshole....just start texting like the rest of world....I'm pretty sure Jay-Z and Diddy don't beep beep with their homies....the next time some stupid redneck with hooker nails and a rebel flag tattoo starts beeping her phone around me I swear I'm going to rip it out of her hands and start busting her face with it until something breaks...either the phone or the nose...I don't care which one.
Next...skinny I'm not a hater just because I'm fat...but....skinny jeans on most people look just straight up retarded...I know my teen will hate me for this....she loves them...I think she looks least she is skinny...I love when the heifers try to put those things on....but what's worse is when guys do it...when did it become ok for straight men to look like chicks??? Why on earth do women/girls put up with the guys wearing this shit? I don't care who it is....there is not one male in the world that looks sexy in bright colored skinny pants!!!! Why in the hell are men trying to look like anorexic female super models?? They don't cut their hair anymore...they wear women's pants and they complain when they have to use any energy....what happened to men looking like men???? I blame those ugly gay Jonas Brothers for this...What happened to football and crew it's playstaions and and lip piercings....and I know we had some really stupid fads back in my day too...pants being pegged and very large bangs....but the guys looked like guys and the girls looked like I can't tell who is who and what is what....if a boy can fit into his girlfriends hot pink pants....he needs to eat a fucking sandwich.....and she needs to beat his ass for cross dressing!
Ok on to men my age....we cant pick on the youngsters for the way they dress when you wear polo shirts and track! I know we get to a certain age and comfort comes before style but damn dude...really....windbreaker pants, crocs and a multi colored wonder your son is wearing capri pants and v-neck have confused the boy.....and please god while you are dressed like that do not think that you are free to make are one...just go to the store and ask the sales person to find you some Levi jeans in your size and then go to the shoe department and ask for some big boy shoes.....then walk home and look for the dignity you dropped when you decided that it was ok to become a moron and dress like that. It is also not ok to tuck a button down shirt into basketball shorts....or wear socks with sandles.....also...rolling around in your hybrid and listening to Air Supply as loud as it goes does not help your cause.....I understand and I have those moments...but I don't have an old baseball jersey and pleated Dockers on.....and please please please don't drink wine coolers while cutting the grass...that just screams loser. The next time I see some middle aged asshole checking his mail while wearing a robe and swim trunks....I am going to run him the hell over and put his wife out of her misery....
Ok...before I calm down and say goodbye for the moment I am going to ask all the white women a favor....if you feel the need to dance...then dance...just own it.....don't stand in a circle with all your white women friends wearing your wedge heels and holding a drink in your left hand while flipping your hair with the other while doing the side to side step know what I'm talking about...ya'll trying not to look like idiots so you do the safe zone thing where its step right together, step left together....with the occasional rub up on you BFF to try and look sexy....FYI..ya don't look sexy you look like an idiot....sooooo since you already look dumb...just bust a move!!!! I am sick and tired of being the only cracker on the floor while you bitches all sit down and freak out just because some Eminem or Old Kid Rock came on...ya'll dance to the oddest shit like John Mayer and Colby Something or other....and then you do white woman shuffle thinking you are Beyonce....when did you lose the fun??????
Well gotta go....going to find a way to offend someone else....if it makes you feel any better....I have a giant pink nightgown that I wore when I was pregnant...I think I might to modify it and then wear it to the store :) Peace out!