Sunday, January 10, 2010

Embrace The Inner Idiot

Hello all...I hope 2010 is treating everyone well....well not everyone just people I like...anyways...I am busy with my new baby and handful of other crazy children....however as of late I am getting a touch of cabin fever...I feel the need to go out and make a giant asshole of, I don't mean downing 6 shots of Patron, picking a fight with several large homeboys and then puking in the shower (yes I tend to barf in the shower when I've had too much to drink....I think because I am able to find it...not sure...but it pisses Tom off...cuz I end up passing out somewhere odd like the garage or on top of the washing machine and he's left to clean it could be worse I could yack in the fridge) besides too many towns have seen me do that too many times and I am now to cheap to pay for 6 shots of tequila....maybe if the economy were better...but that is soooo not the point right now....have you ever just done some random weird thing just to do it??? I need to sometimes... or the most part no longer try to draw attention to myself....but sometimes the weirdo part of me wants to get have a few ideas to appease my inner's see...I could start off with dressing in full motorcycle gear and riding go carts.....hunt down people in the parking lot and see if they want to race...when they try to avoid me I can get all pissed off...start screaming shit at them like...You can't handle me bitch!!! You are just a giant pussy like your mom!!! Why did you even come here??? If you can't handle the heat boy get the fuck out of here!!!! I bet some people get annoyed enough to race me...and the helmet will come in handy if they try to punch me...I hate getting hit in the ruins my day...
Then maybe I'll head over to the mall and ride on the little kids carousel and act like those drunk whores at the bar that pretty much dry hump the mechanical bull...get all YEE HAAW! and tell the 80 year old guy in a Jazzy chair to come on over cowboy....ask him if he can handle me for 8 seconds! Old people get freaked the fuck out when make sexual advances on them....just be sure you know CPR...they might just jack up the whole thing and start having a damn heart attack....which is never fact it's gross...people tend to poop themselves and stuff...yuck...grown up turds are way more gross then baby doo doo...which is why I will never work in a nursing home....I don't mind the elderly unless they are the kind that need hosed off...bleh...fuck I'm off my point again.....I was plotting my day of odd excellence....
Oh you know an old fav of mine is to pull up to unknown people at gas stations or fast food places and run out of my car and get all excited to see them.....HI!!! Oh my god I have not seen you in forever!!! Remember that night in Vegas?! My Ass is still sore! Wow give me a hug!!!....then just say I gotta go...jump back in the car and peel out....the more unlike you the person is...the for me I would pick like an older black lady or maybe a gay asian man....or perhaps a nun....see what I'm getting at...the more shocking it can be to that person the better!
Maybe I will put on a wedding dress from Goodwill or something and ride my bike around before you judge me on that...remember not only am I like wicked fat...then I will be covered in polyester and lace....I will be on bright yellow old lady beach cruiser bike with a basket on the front...and I am not all that good at riding a bike...lots of shaking...oooh and I should put a radio in the basket and play some old Madonna songs and sing along as I ride around....maybe try the drive through at Arby's....mmmm....Beef n' Cheddar...that sound so fucking good...anyways....after eating my meal I could walk around Target in my dress and perhaps the helmet from the go carting and just wander around looking at stuff...occasionally busting a move and singing MC Hammer....2 legit 2 legit to quit....I love seeing peoples faces when I start randomly dancing...have not done it in costume this should be interesting...Have you ever run up to a fellow shopper with some product and explain how much you love it??? I dare you...Just grab dishwasher detergent and jump in someones face holding it up like a trophy....DUDE!! I have got to tell you about this stuff!!! It's aaaaammmazing! I've never ever seen anything like just put it in the dishwasher and it cleans your dishes!!!! Dude did you hear me?! I said it cleans your dishes! That's crazy right?! Man I'm gonna buy like 10 of these before other people find out about it and buy it should get some too! I'm telling you man it's the chiz!........nothing like the look of panic on their faces after a display like that....Oh...another awesome good time is to act like the beeping noise of the scanner at the check out it freaking you out and you don't know where it's coming from...start looking around and ducking...maybe even hit the floor and act like it's gunfire...the cashier gets all weird about that...starts asking if you are ok...then she thinks your nuts and starts looking around with that look in her eyes like...Oh this nutjob going to hurt me???? If you can start crying go for it...and then crawl out of the store telling everyone to save themselves!!!!!!!!!!!!! If security comes and gets you before you make it to your car...just tell them that you are making a reality clip to get on a VH1 show...chances are they will just ask you to not do it big deal.
Well...gotta go...gotta get on e-bay and find some roller skates....I'm thinking of recreating the Jessica Simpson Public Affair video...I'm putting an add on Craigslist for some drag queens to be the other chicks from the video....plump juicy bitches like should turn out pretty damn hot!
Have a great day and is not all fun and games...but take the time to have a good laugh...even if it's at my expense...Peace out!

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