Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A little goes a long way.......

I have heard this saying somewhere...either from an exceptionally slutty friend or on a fairly slutty movie "There is nothing worse then waking up hungover with your underwear on backwards and a condom stuck in your ass"....well I disagree....the only thing worse then that is waking up on a Monday morning, stumbling to the kitchen to get some coffee and stepping in a large, warm pile of dog poo...you want to know why that is worse??? Because that my friends, you will remember.......and you will also make note to get a doggie door installed.
I gotta say...I am getting used to big things in life going wrong....the out of your hands things..the it must be God's will type stuff...and I try to roll with the punches...but damned if the little things in life just won't stop working my last nerve....it's the icing on the cake so to speak....you know the cake that didn't agree with you and left you on the toilet in agony for 3 hours instead of enjoying the big game.....or the cake that set the oven on fire and now your kitchen is covered in that stuff from the extinguisher....what a joy. Just the other day it was cold....like balls cold...and I was driving along running some errands....and while at a stop light I decided to check and see if I had booger in my nose....shut up...nothing worse then having a conversation with someone all face to face then later realizing there was a giant nose goober staring at them....so anyways I go to flip down the visor to look in the mirror and the little piece of plastic that kinda clips in the visor to roof breaks the off...that's right it breaks the fuck off!!!! Are you serious...it gets cold out and my vehicle starts falling apart?! I drive an SUV...the thing is suppose to be badass...but no my pussy mobile loses appendages when the temp drops....and to top it off....the piece of plastic does not just simply break off and fall to the floor....oh no...it flings itself right into my eyeball!! Holy shit right?!....so now my automobile is falling apart, my eye is injured and I probably have a booger in my nose....sweet...the day is starting off just really really well. Now in the grand scheme of things is any of this a major deal....no...and will I get over it....yes...do I find it more annoying then hearing my teenage daughter talk about boys....hell yea. So....I'm thinking all my drunk friends with lose morals have the right idea....just be sloshed out of your mind all the time and you won't notice the crappy stuff....ok just kidding...that's not good advice...but I can see why they do it..every time that evil life sucking scrolly ball on my phone gets stuck I just want to pry the bitch out with a fork, put it in the toilet and pee on it....why does the one thing needed for my stupid phone to function properly always have to get all jenk on me???? Anyone else lose their minds over the remote control growing feet and hiding in stupid places??? I know all of mine do it...and for that I hate them...nasty little turds...thinking they are funny and stashing themselves in places like the fridge or the bathroom drawer and my fav...the inside of my purse....like I have time for that... I have never enjoyed hide and go seek..especially when I want to watch NCIS after a long day of eyeball injuries and stepping in Labrador poopy. You know I'm already pretty inept at most tasks...I don't need added things screwing with me...like when I finally get a chance to vacuum....I really don't need the cord tripping me causing me to smack my head against the wall...and I have no problem working the can opener...but for some reason every time I get a can of tuna fish it slops everywhere...all over my hands, my shirt and once in my hair (don't know how).....then, the cat starts prostituting himself around me......I just wanted to make a sandwich for crying out loud....now I smell all nasty and I have a horny hungry cat following me all over the house....nice.
People say don't sweat the small stuff...well I think the small stuff can lick my butthole...the small stuff is what jacks up my day....so to you small stuff I raise up my middle finger and say suck it!
Well...gotta go drag the trash down to the curb....I'm going to wear gloves because last time the bin fell over and spewed trash all over the street. I should have just set it all on fire and did a fuck you dance to the gods of small stuff. Peace out!

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