I will start by saying...I know I'm not cool...I'm a mother of like 57 kids...I'm pleasantly plump...and I'm white...which means I don't understand most anything kids say anymore....like did you know BEAST means cool????.....anyways....there are a few things that are even more dorky than I am....top of my list...The Nextel beep beep phones...for the of love cheap wine and lose women please stop using the beep beep phones...they are soooo friggen annoying....it's bad enough I have to hear you talk about cigarettes and Budweiser...I really don't want to hear your other half telling you to pick up some bait and ice too....plus that damn chirping pisses me off! What's worse is that ya'll think you are so damn pimp...you make sure that everyone sees you and everyone hears you....no one gives a flying fuck that you have direct connect...in fact we all wish you would just shove that stupid thing right up your asshole....just start texting like the rest of world....I'm pretty sure Jay-Z and Diddy don't beep beep with their homies....the next time some stupid redneck with hooker nails and a rebel flag tattoo starts beeping her phone around me I swear I'm going to rip it out of her hands and start busting her face with it until something breaks...either the phone or the nose...I don't care which one.
Next...skinny jeans....now I'm not a hater just because I'm fat...but....skinny jeans on most people look just straight up retarded...I know my teen will hate me for this....she loves them...I think she looks nuts....at least she is skinny...I love when the heifers try to put those things on....but what's worse is when guys do it...when did it become ok for straight men to look like chicks??? Why on earth do women/girls put up with the guys wearing this shit? I don't care who it is....there is not one male in the world that looks sexy in bright colored skinny pants!!!! Why in the hell are men trying to look like anorexic female super models?? They don't cut their hair anymore...they wear women's pants and they complain when they have to use any energy....what happened to men looking like men???? I blame those ugly gay Jonas Brothers for this...What happened to football and crew cuts...now it's playstaions and and lip piercings....and I know we had some really stupid fads back in my day too...pants being pegged and very large bangs....but the guys looked like guys and the girls looked like girls....now I can't tell who is who and what is what....if a boy can fit into his girlfriends hot pink pants....he needs to eat a fucking sandwich.....and she needs to beat his ass for cross dressing!
Ok on to men my age....we cant pick on the youngsters for the way they dress when you wear polo shirts and track pants....wtf?! I know we get to a certain age and comfort comes before style but damn dude...really....windbreaker pants, crocs and a multi colored polo....no wonder your son is wearing capri pants and v-neck t-shirts....you have confused the boy.....and please god while you are dressed like that do not think that you are free to make jokes...you are one...just go to the store and ask the sales person to find you some Levi jeans in your size and then go to the shoe department and ask for some big boy shoes.....then walk home and look for the dignity you dropped when you decided that it was ok to become a moron and dress like that. It is also not ok to tuck a button down shirt into basketball shorts....or wear socks with sandles.....also...rolling around in your hybrid and listening to Air Supply as loud as it goes does not help your cause.....I understand and I have those moments...but I don't have an old baseball jersey and pleated Dockers on.....and please please please don't drink wine coolers while cutting the grass...that just screams loser. The next time I see some middle aged asshole checking his mail while wearing a robe and swim trunks....I am going to run him the hell over and put his wife out of her misery....
Ok...before I calm down and say goodbye for the moment I am going to ask all the white women a favor....if you feel the need to dance...then dance...just own it.....don't stand in a circle with all your white women friends wearing your wedge heels and holding a drink in your left hand while flipping your hair with the other while doing the side to side step thing...you know what I'm talking about...ya'll trying not to look like idiots so you do the safe zone thing where its step right together, step left together....with the occasional rub up on you BFF to try and look sexy....FYI..ya don't look sexy you look like an idiot....sooooo since you already look dumb...just bust a move!!!! I am sick and tired of being the only cracker on the floor while you bitches all sit down and freak out just because some Eminem or Old Kid Rock came on...ya'll dance to the oddest shit like John Mayer and Colby Something or other....and then you do white woman shuffle thinking you are Beyonce....when did you lose the fun??????
Well gotta go....going to find a way to offend someone else....if it makes you feel any better....I have a giant pink nightgown that I wore when I was pregnant...I think I might to modify it and then wear it to the store :) Peace out!