Last night was one of my longer nights as a mother of an infant...for the most part her "witching hours" are from 9-12 however she decided on top of that she would wake up at 5am and barf all over me...she's such a giving little girl....then while I was changing she barfed on my bed...luckily just the comforter...and we had a spare....you know that old one you keep for when you have guests or to wrap around stuff when you move...it's like from the 90's and you wonder why on earth you thought it was cool....anyways...after getting resettled in bed again guess what...she hurled on me again! Yep...puke city...I'm almost out of old t-shirts and wondering if I shouldn't just wear a garbage bag....well anyways I get changed again and she is still just cranky as hell....so there we sit in the very early morning and I'm patting her back and all of a sudden she shoots her arms and legs straight out and she lets loose this horrific fart...I don't know how it didn't blow her little ass right off....immediately after the toot heard around the world, she closed her eyes and went to sleep.....yep...just then I realized she is just like me....In my younger days of coming home from the bar after a bit too much to drink...puking and farting myself to sleep....no wonder I never brought guys home with me...not pretty sight....you know I better check what's in that formula of hers...I thought Nestle made it but I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't Patron or Jim Beam....I thought about laying the baby down by the toilet with a pair of her shoes for a pillow...I know I always crashed there for about 6 hours after a barf fest...then I decided she was to small to wrap herself around the toilet in the fetal position...so I put her next to my toddlers little potty chair....she fit perfect...lmao...just kidding I didn't do that....but I did look down at my now sleeping baby all sprawled out on my bed and realized she was wearing a Mommy's Little Rockstar onsie....and that's when I knew I don't have to worry about a college fund....just my lawyers retainer.....well I gotta go...I need to get all my shirts into the wash...just in case she needs to ralph on me some more later....Peace out.
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