Saturday, February 6, 2010

I should have had green eyes....

Am I the only exceptionally jealous person out there? I know it's a horrible really is and when other people get jealous I think they are acting stupid and yet I just can't help myself. It's not that I think my husband is going to do anything...I really don''s the idea of other women thinking of him that just pisses me off. People tell me I should be flattered etc...this I know...but I still just want to put a beat down on the whores that even get the idea of my husband in their coveting little minds. I go to extremes too....I admit it...I'm horrible...I have had MySpace fights with one of his exes....I have stalked his e-mail making sure no one has written anything inappropriate....I get pissy when he reminisces about high's a horrible horrible disease of mine. I was not excited to go to his high school reunion for fear some drunk bimbo would come up to me and tell me they dated or something....lucky for me that didn't happen...however I didn't go unscathed...3 drunk bimbos found out who I was and called me fat....which...I am...but at the time I was pregnant....oh well....the whole time wasn't a total loss I met one of his chick friends who is now one of my best friends and the Godmother to one of my I'm sure your wondering why I am not jealous of her....and for some reason I'm not...I don't get any vibe from her at all....which is weird cuz she's nice, funny and hot....but I'm glad we ended up friends....however the other three skanks best watch out....I'm no longer pregnant...and I am willing to chase them down and show them how this fat girl throws down...well more likely falls down on I will go eat some cake! Who am I trying to kid...we all know I'm not going to run after them...maybe walk briskly but my chubby butt isn't going to we all know a heifer in flip flops carrying a baby and holding onto a toddler is not going to get all that far anyways....maybe I could chuck a baby bottle at them...the stupid lushes would probably try to drink it....I hate sloppy drunk sluts....ok that's not entirely true either...I LOVE to watch Rock Of Love....maybe I should just start my own show...Po Dunk Drunk....then I could make them do stupid stuff and get paid for it....hmmmmm.....not a shabby idea....well...I've gotten way off track again...I was talking about my husbands awful exes and old flames....which I just know every night pine for him....he thinks they don't but I know they do....I would if we weren't together.....maybe I should just pee on him to mark my territory....then no one would touch him....but I probably wouldn't either.....I wish I had one of those flashy things from Men In Black so I could erase their memories of him from their brains.....or a baseball bat would work....I'm so awful....I know....I have gotten better over the years....not much but a little bit. It helps to focus on people that truly deserve my the asshole server that rolled her eyes at me when I asked for another Diet Coke....if you don't want to wait on me then don't be a fucking waitress! I wasn't even rude about it....but now all I want to do is hide in the shadows of the parking lot, clothesline her, toss her on a red ant pile and cover her in a Diet Coke...this is why God gave me so many children (other then the whole unprotected sex with my husband thing) it's so that I'm too busy to go out and get revenge on all the people that piss me off.....and by the time the kids are all grown up and gone and I finally have some time...I will be old, crippled and unable to do anything....oh least I can still leave snotty status updates on my Facebook....sigh... gotta go...diaper changing time then I'm going to read all of my hubby's text messages...why oh why do I torture myself like that???? Peace out.

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