Old, Fat & Distracted

Yes...I have been gone awhile....my bad. I want to be a cat...a house cat...not a lion or cougar (well maybe a cougar in the terms of having a fine young hottie..nah...young people piss me off...nevermind) When you're a cat it's ok to be just ridiculously fat...people LOVE a big rolly polly cat. The chunkier the better. You get to lounge around the house all day just fat as hell and lazy... people think it's the best thing ever. BUT if you are a human and obese they hate you and tell you to go away. #nofatties Also if you are a voluptuous cat you don't have to wear clothes...fat girls gotta cover up or people are all....GROSS!!! Cover up your cankles!!!! (BTW I may have a bit of a cankle but my ass is amazing....) I think maybe I should find a BBW worshiper with an animal fetish...it's called Plushy Love or something....I could put on ears and a tail...we could play one of those fantasy scenes where he saves me from the pound, brings me home, puts me on the bed... he starts scratching my belly.... Sorry that's as far as my fantasy gets...not because I can't get kinky....HELLO...middle aged lady here....I am in my prime!!! I just have very undocumented yet wildly witnessed ADHD..so right when I get to the good stuff I'm all like....I should totally look up cat costumes on Pinterest!!!!! Then I get to the PC and decide to check FB first...only to start scrolling down and see all the skinny girls from high school posting marathon pics and talking about yoga...so I get all depressed and find a cupcake. (crackheads are stupid...cupcakes are totally the best high ever) After the cupcake I grab a glass of wine and sit on my sad little exercise bike and listen to some Robin Thicke (who would never fuck a fat girl)....tears run down my face while I hate myself and chug my cheap wine. Then Nicki Minage hits the Pandora and bam...I have hope.....She has a huge ass and is wickedly loved ....I start picking up the pace & ride that little bike like it's Adam Levine (before he had blonde hair)......I feel amazing...there is hope!!! Half hour later I'm all laying on the floor in a puddle of sweat, crying for another cupcake and wishing I was a cat :( FML Peace Out

L & M

L & M....L is for Lazy...and M is for masturbation. Yes for me they go together.... I am too lazy to masturbate....I hate it. I really really hate it. Not only do I have to do all the work to get myself off but then I have to wash my hand when I'm done...I can't just fall asleep. Why diddle myself anyways....it's not the same as getting some good oral or sex from a guy...and toys are dumb...I can't feel sexy while fucking a purple plastic dick with rabbit ears hanging off of it...I'd rather just drink a bottle of wine...watch 21 Jumpstreet and pass the fuck out. Maybe I'm weird....but didn't y'all already figure that out??? Its just not my thing...but I think a good cheesecake can fix any kind of pent up sexual frustrations I have... sorry about the TMI but I'm running out of ideas for this challenge so...Peace Out!

J & K

J & K stand for Just Kidding....because I don't have anything....I am so behind and not feeling wicked creative so.... I thought J would be for jacking off...but I decided that M would be for masturbation ...well I guess I could still use Jacking off because M was only about me...and jacking off implies guys. What are your thoughts on dudes jerking it??? I think if they are in a relationship with me then they don't need to unless I ask them too for my entertainment.....or I am mad at them and am not giving up the honey pot...then fine...whack it....but you better be thinking of my boobies.... Guys all have this technique of jerking that I can not seem to replicate....so I am not into giving handjobs.....no way it can compare to their years and years of stroking it for themselves..... K.....what was K going to be about??? I don't know....Kangaroos??? Kegels??? OH....knowing me K was for Kinky..... I have found as I get older that my idea of Kinky has changed.... When I was a teen I wouldn't have sex in the light and I was only on bottom....now....well I still don't like the lights...my ass is massive....wish I had enjoyed my body in the light when I was younger...oh well. But things that would have freaked me out even in my 20's...now not so much...but I will never get into being peed on....or having extras...sex is for 2 people....I would lose my mind if two penises were trying to poke at me and I really don't want any vagina in my face. If that's your thing...then good for you...I will stick to fingering buttholes, slapping people around and my pierced nipples.... Well it's the weekend....y'all go have a few drinks and jack off or get kinky.....just make sure to tell me all about it! Peace Out!

I Don't Like It...Icky

I is for Icky Things.....I find all sorts of things to be icky. I have already blogged about most of them but there is always something new to gross me out....here is a short list that quickly comes to mind. Women who wear flesh colored stretch pants....well dudes too....I don't care what body type you have...it's not flattering. Please refrain. Guys who drop their nuts on other guys...I blame the Jackass crew for this fad...it is not funny....just stop you sick sick fucks. When my dog eats my tampons.... Port O Potties.... Women who wear those big, knee high boots, with their jeans all tucked in. You look like Peter Pan...plus that is a lot of work to get off..your pussy better be worth the work...plus I bet your feet smell now.....it's just ICKY! The cast of Jersey Shore... Uncircumcised penises..... & sardines.... What do y'all find to be ICKY??? Peace Out!

H is for Harry

Best cat ever....except he's a dickhead. Thank God my daughter took him.

F & G

Ok...So since I'm a little bit behind....I'm and going to combine F & G....my bad y'all. F&G stand for FLORIDA GATORS!!!! Yep....I'm a big fan...Love me some Florida Gator football. Wow...that was easy...now I'm all done. Have a great day. Just Kidding.... F stands for Fetish. Anyone got any good sexual fetishes???? I don't think I do...I wish I did. They sound like so much fun. Don't get me wrong...I have preferences....but I don't get off over getting fed like a baby or anything....actually I don't like when food and sex mix...it freaks me out. I personally think I fit a few common fetishes that other people have....I have adorable tattooed feet, I'm chubby (ok I'm fat but I'm cute and have a huge ass), I have long hair (on my head) and I have some piercings....none of that was aimed at pleasing anyone but myself...but since I dig it on me...I can see why others would get all hot and bothered by it. I think Germans have the sickest fetishes...I have nothing to back that hypothesis up...it's really just a hunch. I am not German...I'm boring....I'm Finnish...told ya I was boring...I think our only fetish is dessert bars....(why the fuck do people always put nuts in those???) G is for G Spot....fellas....you should find it.... Well....that covers that....see ya for H...that should be a friggen nightmare to figure out. Peace Out!

E....

E is for Eventually ....because I may be late posting for the challenge from time to time (like this one) but I will get to it Eventually. lol Ok...let's be honest...E is really for Ejaculation. Weather it's male or female (also known as squirting but that sounds so damn awful) it's the sincerest form of flattery. Some say imitation is but I'd say blowing a load is a damn good way of saying...HEY, YOU FUCK GREAT! (or oral or anal etc.) Nothing hotter than knowing someone is thinking of you while they pleasure themselves.....and considering all the porn, playboy type magazines and sluts out there....having someone cum all over their bedspread over you is super "sweet" .... Now granted none of this is aimed at anyone under 22...dudes cum if the wind changes until then and girls should wait till at least 22 before throwing their lives away for a big O (trust me) .. I do have a question....how come only some dudes pre cum????? I prefer it....I know I'm going in the right direction so to speak ;) Oh wait....maybe they all do and I just use to suck at foreplay...damn now I'm sad.....balls. Well...I'm off to think of an F post....enjoy blasting the batter...Peace Out!