OMG STFU

Apparently I have terrible text etiquette....but that shouldn't shock most of you since in general I have poor life etiquette at best. I get a lot of...why didn't you text me back? Here's the deal....there are 5 reasons I may not have gotten back to your text... 1. I just assumed the conversation was over. Example: YOU: Hey ME: Wud Up? YOU: Going to the store. ME: Buy me some chips YOU: lol.....................at this point I think we are done....like you are really going to buy me a bag of Ruffles and unless you wanted advice on something...which you should have included in the 2nd text... then there isn't a lot more to say. 2. I'm annoyed at you. This usually only applies to men....males tend to say stupid things on accident and so I just ignore them for awhile..... 3. I got distracted.....this is the 2nd most common reason I didn't return your text....I saw it pop up but then the dog peed in the hall or the kids stepped on a Capri Sun, a commercial I like came on the TV, I saw something sparkly....the list goes on and on and on....then 9 hours later I remembered you sent a text and by then it's like....whatever. So if it's important....text again.....super simple. 4. My phone died....this is the most common reason...I have 2 batteries and I blow that shit up quick....my phone is always dead....always always always.....always.

Sadistic Game Of Twister...Or Just Grooming?

Women do stupid things to make themselves feel pretty.....I am a woman and I do stupid shit all the time....I pay money to get my hair a certain color, I get tattoos, I squeeze my feet into pointy, ill fitting high heels, I wear uncomfortable bras to make me look like my boobs don't hang at my hips and now my most stupid attempt to feel amazing was having my vagina waxed. Yep....I paid some chick to rip the hair out of my girl parts. What the fuck?????? Why not just trim it??? Several reasons....you have 2 small children, 3 cats and a dog run in and out of the bathroom while trying to clean up your lady parts and tell me if you can do a great job.....or much less be as clumsy as I am and not take a chunk out (ouch).....plus...it feels all prickly within days and then when I take my panties down it's like peeling a cactus off of a sheep. So...yea a Brazilian sounded like a great idea. Till I got to the salon......where I was greeted by a tiny, young gorgeous lady...yea....like I want her to see my wounded underworld....I've had 3 large babies...it's not exactly the Garden Of Eden down there. Oh well...I drop my bottoms and get on the table....she asks me what I want....meaning bald eagle, Bermuda triangle or a landing strip....I went for the landing strip...the thought of looking like a 7 year old down there made me feel creepy. On goes the wax....it was warm and almost comforting...till she ripped the cloth of death off my coo coo and I yelled some sort of obscenity and tried to punch her. Luckily she jumped out of the way....at least I knew what to expect the rest of the time....or so I thought. Ok...so.....we get the top part done....then she tells me to grab my knees and pull them up to my head. Um....could you buy me dinner first????? What the fuck is this....birthing class?!?! But I had already done this much...what the heck right? So I do...and thank sweet Jesus she was quick....I screamed like a little bitch :( but it was done and over with.....I got up and started putting my stuff on...when she asked if I wanted my....um....back door area done....I told her FUCK NO....and continued putting my clothes on. You know what really annoyed me??? The tranquil music playing in the background...stop trying to lull me into a calm state....you can not be relaxed for something like this....you need to amped up and prepared...it's like when you get shot in the woods and you need to slam a half a bottle of whiskey and bite down on a tree branch while your friend digs the fucking bullet out.....play me some Nine Inch Nails and hand me some tequila god damn it!!! Will I go back in six weeks to have it done again????? HELL YES I WILL....when I got home and saw my gorgeous vagina it was sooooo worth it....next time I will be drunk...so I will need a sober cab....cuz I'm gonna suck down a few rum and cokes but pretty pink parts is way worth it!

Working It....

So....I haven't blogged in awhile....to be honest I feel like I've lost my edge. I'm not saying I'm not creative....I have several irons in the fire right now....new projects I've never done before that I hope will be just fucking fantastic....but y'all will have to wait to see them....or hear about how I totally crashed and burned...either way...it should be epic. Anyhoo......currently I'm on an exercise kick....don't roll your eyes...I know several of my posts are diet related etc and I end up just going back to my old ways....however....have you ever known me to get my ass off the couch and workout??? Yea....for real...I do it... like all the time....it's my new addiction.....I can't go a day without. I can be tired, in pain, busy etc and I will still do it. I blame my friend....he posted on his FB how he was going to start training for something and I got pissed....I don't like to be outdone by him (we have an odd rivalry thing) so the next day I bought some running shoes and bam....I was out the gate and have never looked back. Not that it's all glitter and unicorns....I've had some setbacks. I pretty much fucked up my foot (which is all better now) I worked through 2 weeks of knee pain....every time I did anything I could totally hear them yelling at me You Fat Bitch Why Are You Doing This!?!? ....then I started to freak out.....cuz I was just doing the same stuff over and over again so I got some resistance bands. I highly recommend them....but I had to learn a little control....I got a bit zealous and I'm pretty sure I broke my boob...it hurt for like 4 days!!!!! Plus I would catch myself holding it and rubbing it....which got plenty of interesting looks in Target the other day.....no big deal...it's not the worst thing I have ever done in a Target ;) This morning I decided to start working on my butt....all women want a nice booty and all men appreciate one. I looked up some things to try on the internet....I decided to try some of the stuff from the Brazilian Butt Lift program......they didn't look to bad (famous last words). Well....by the time I was done I was straight up crying and yelping out in pain.....I had no idea my booty could hurt like that. Will I do it again???? Hellz yea I will.....shedding a few tears is totally worth getting a fine ass! I keep getting asked why and how...why do you keep it up and how do you find your motivation.....Why....to be honest....I want to buy sexy new jeans.....I'm tired of being the frumpy chick who swears a lot...I want to rock some silver jeans and a slutty top and be confident ( I will still swear a lot). How...do I find the motivation.....some days it's easy...and I don't need any...some days...I need to talk to my friend...you know the one who inspired the whole thing.....he's doing great too BTW.....I have a great support system....and Pandora Radio....I can't do anything without music!!!!! I will never be skinny...to be honest...I'm not looking to be skinny...I just want to be a fairly hot soccer mom. Now if you will excuse me...I need to toss on my sports bra....I tried jumping jacks without one....it didn't go well....it was like a car accident....horrific and nothing anyone should ever witness! Peace Out!

Betty Crocker Ain't Got Nothing On Me....

I'm glad you can't go to jail for crimes against baked goods....I'd be so fucked. Today I decided that the kiddos would enjoy frosting some cupcakes....so knowing it was a bad idea I got up to make some cupcakes. Why was it a bad idea???? Because I very rarely escape the kitchen without injury or seriously jacking up whatever it is I'm trying make....but my dumb ass tried it anyways.... I went and found my cupcake maker....I thought it would be better to use that instead of the oven and the last time I used it I only burned one finger. I gathered all my ingredients and utensils....I turned on some Pandora radio to keep me in a good mood and mixed up my batter. So far so good. I put the batter into to cupcake maker and proceeded to wait....I sang along with the All American Rejects and checked my cupcakes....son of a bitch....they haven't baked at all! The stupid thing must be broken. What shall I do??? I preheated the oven and found a cupcake pan....loaded the batter in and away we go. I sang along with Creed and decided to wash the dishes...thinking to myself well...this isn't too bad. I happen to notice that I never plugged in the cupcake maker!!!!!! Oops oh well at least I can finish up the batter..yay! But that's when it all went bad. Smoke starts coming out of the oven.....however it wasn't my cupcakes....it was the shit I burned last time I tried to cook that was stuck on the bottom of the oven. Then it was time to take the cupcakes out of the maker....but.....well......I forgot to spray the molds and they all ripped apart and turned into itty bitty pieces....fuck. So I have one last attempt....there was still a little batter left......I spray the molds and dump in the batter and continue cleaning the kitchen up....but then I heard noises out front....apparently it was tree trimming day for the city....the kids and I watched for awhile...then they were hungry so I nuked them some lunch.....and OH SHIT the cupcakes....yep....I cremated them :( So pretty much the only cupcakes that I now have are the six that went into the oven....so when all the smoke clears we will frost and eat those....I will probably wash mine down with a very large glass of wine....

Price Check! Oh...Hell No!

Whoever invented endcaps by the register is an asshole. It is impossible to sound like a good mom while waiting in the checkout....No don't open that, Put that down, We have candy at home....etc etc. By the time I get to the register I've lost all my patience and I'm yelling at the poor cashier....I don't give a rat's ass if it's paper or plastic just get me the fuck out of here! As the barely trained teenager is trying to hurry it up I notice my devil spawn have tossed in 5 cans of tuna into the cart and a random beach towel but I don't want to slow down the process of getting out of the shit hole that is WalMart so I just let her keep ringing the stuff up. Then you gotta do one more check to make sure the children didn't nab a lip gloss or something and then I make a mad dash for the door like the place is on fire.... Heaven forbid someone call me while I'm at the store.....I won't be in a good mood....and it won't go well. Oh, I'm sorry to hear you have gall stones....but I'm at WalMart so your problems are meaningless. I think WalMart should just start serving shots of Patron...I think I could handle the madness if I had a good buzz....plus then the kids might have a chance of getting some candy from the endcap. I would need to take a little nap in the back of my mini van before I went home....but the kids could watch a DVD so it's all good right???? Well...gotta run...we ran out of Pop Tarts (one of my specialties) and toothpaste so....It's off to the store I go. Wish me luck! Peace Out!

Lost My Appetite...

So....I have a friend who writes this pretty rockin' blog, Bubble Gum On My Shoe. Her writing always pisses me off because it's good...no grammar issues, the spelling is correct, and she is actually interesting. She had this hilarious post awhile back about Dogtopus Soup....yea you read that correctly.

It was a hit and we joked around for some time about how we couldn't find a more disgusting dish if we wanted to. Well guess what.....I stumbled onto one this morning. Yep....just when I thought the food nightmares were behind me I found TURTLE BURGERS!

Oh my hell....who in their right mind would make these??????? You are seriously several forms of nutjob if you do. Don't get me wrong. I have a crazy sense of humor. I do odd shit all the time....but creepy food (that would require my children get mental help) is not one of them! I would feel like some sprouting serial killer if I made these...let alone forced my family to chomp down on one. Bleh. I think I will stick to burning Pop Tarts and ordering pizza.

Chores Make Me Buggy

Well...I'm pretty sure I need to start buying lotto tickets....I need funds to pay for a maid....preferably a hot male maid that looks killer in a pair of Levis and a wife beater...why do I need this maid???? because it has been proven once AGAIN that I am not meant to do housework. The weather has been exceptional lately and so I decided to start hanging my laundry on the line again. I usually don't mind doing this....it wastes time....my neighbors think I'm sorta domestic and it gets me outside and off my usual place on the couch. So I wash a nice big load of towels....drag them up from the basement and out to the backyard....I grab my first clothespin and HOLY MOTHER FUCKER!!!! A friggen spider crawls out from the pin and across my hand! I yelled several somewhat understandable obscenities (son of a cock mun...geez a fuck....crap crap crap uh fuckball!) while running in a circle like an idiot and tossing the clothes pin into the neighbors yard.....WINNING!!!! After a few moments I regained my composure and tried it again.....yeah....um that one had a spider web in it...so did the next several...I decided to just dump the bag of pins on the ground and what looked like a million spiders (for real it was like 13 but anything over 2 is a million when talking about spiders) went scurrying away. I puked a little. Then I got myself a gin and tonic. This was not going to be my day of domestic divaness and I was all out of fucks to give for the day. Later I found the courage (pretty sure it was the cheap ass gin I'm so fond of) and picked up my pins but now....yet another chore will require booze or some form of anti psychotic. Wish me luck. Peace Out!